Sorry if you get this twice. I goofed when I sent it out previously.
kukuru@worldnet.att.net wrote:
My BAKA Gaidin
Wheel of Time Series
Ranma 1/2
Keys
*(thoughts)*
Chapter 6 (Draft)
than the day though. His surroundings were much nicer than everywhere
else he had visited in this world. Whoever lived here was rich, a noble
he was guessed.
a noble he <snip was> guessed. *Take the word out*
she said nothing. *What does she want from me?* Everytime she would
glaze at him with those determine eyes, but nothing followed.
at him with those <determined> eyes *past tense*
A voice, he hadn't felt a presence, but someone was behind him. The
voice was familiar; he had wonder what happened to her or even if she
was real�now�
he had <wondered> what happened *past tense*
*Linked�like a bond* He remember he almost felt another bond a while
back. Checking carefully, he could feel Siuan inside the house and there
He <remembered> he almost *past tense*
"Is something wrong Ranma?" Moiraine voice sounded like she almost
cared. Ranma had no idea with her. Siuan had been easier to tell, even
something wrong<,> Ranma?" Moiraine *punctuation*
familiar for his mind. Ranma thought he had gone insane. Has she thrown
her voice, he swore Moiraine was now behind him. Spinning around fast,
there was a person behind him, sitting idly on a rock. *Was I so startle
that I didn't feel that presence too?*
<Had> she thrown her voice *past tense*
Was I so <startled> that I didn't feel *past tense*
Cloaked in white, this person had a hood that hid the face in mystery.
She had on white clothing too from what little the cloak hadn't hid.
There were red triangle like patterns embroidered along the edges of the
cloak and she wore blue slippers that sparkled with a crystal light.
Right now the person was sitting casually on a large rock cross-legged.
>From the voice it was a she, and probably could be Moiraine's twin if
not Moiraine herself.
white clothing too ... *too what? sentences doesn't make sense*
there 's any extra > in front of From that you might want to
delete.
"Long story�" the cloaked Moiraine spoke. "To say, I bran you here and
was giving you a hand, a bit, when you used the Hiryu Shoten Ha. Now we
have this situation here." She explained as if everything had been so
obvious.
<Let's> say, I <brought> you here and <gave> you a hand,
*Wording*
"You, Ranma, was needed in this world, didn't Siuan tell you the story?
I guess not." She had not even skipped a beat at that. "Well the Dark
One soon will be upon this world, and you are needed to save this
world." *Well the reason I bran him here was to help* Ranma was stunned
by the explanation, she knew something like that would keep him from
the reason I <brought> him here *Spelling*
Ranma blinked a few times *Bonded? Linked? Hey she�d disappeared!*
Everything just became a blur, she, they girl who looked like Moiraine
never gave him a chance to think. It was one shock after another and now
she, <the> girl who looked *Spelling*
she jus disappeared. Looking back, Moiraine was still there as if
nothing had happened. She gave a slight arch from her eyebrow as an
indication she was alive. *Why can't life ever be easy�*
she <just> disappeared. *Spelling*
now it was all a big game, but not with anyone in particular, it was
with the pattern. The ultimate force, if go about wrong could cause much
damage.
Reword last sentence as it doesn't make much sense.
It hadn't taken him long to figure out the trigger for his sight of her
spirit. One had to devoid the mind of wondering thoughts and focus;
feeling and sensing, almost as if one would sense the aura of an
mind of <wandering> thoughts and *Wrong word*
*The boy is very closed to the world. Something must of led him to be
so wearily. Strange for one so young* Moiraine knew full well the Ranma
was not from this world, bran by the mysterious girl. She had her
Something must <have> led him to *Wrong word*
<brought> by the mysterious *Spelling*
reasons for pairing up her old friend Siuan and him together, Moiraine
just didn't know what. What would she do, Somehow use him to get back to
Rand? Moiraine had the faintest hint that her death was not the end
What would she do, <somehow> use him *No capitalization*
full concentration. Ranma didn�t want to think of what he was going to
do. He wanted to go home and now he had a way, but would he. The double
of Moiraine had sent him here, and had obviously caused the bond so
but would he<?> *Question, I think*
Motions of each punch became kicks, almost like an after image. Spins
and pivots danced faster then the dust, a block for every punch, a punch
for every kick, a turn for every kick, it was impossible to distinguish
faster <than> the dust *Wrong word*
this one* Lan mentally chuckled at the side thought. *Where had Siuan
pick up this one?* Traveling across the lands, never once had he seen
one like him.
Siuan <picked> up this *past tense*
free-floating kata. Voiding any wondering thoughts, he let natural
movements flow with no pattern that was preplanned. A way to analyze any
flaw for himself.
any <wandering> thoughts, *spelling*
long time. He kept thinking maybe he could go back, but he knew it was
not the so called lost of honor that led him away from the Tendos. He
wanted to leave for a long time, then an opportunity arise and that time
he took it and ran. Running was how he ended up here. *Should I run
so called <loss> of honor *tense*
then an opportunity <arose> and *past tense*
She Worked out of bed and went about her routine, she idly fixed the
essentials and into to a nice comfortable dress. She felt a minor
headache accompanied from having a rough night, but pushed the nuisance
She <worked> out of bed *No captitalization*
Stepping out of her room, she lingered around, hoping the morning meal
would be around somewhere. She maybe an Aes Sedai, but she didn�t need
to be waited on hand and foot. Getting to a large pile of women, she saw
Ranma.
She <may be> an Aes Sedai *Split up the words*
he was a sight for every girl�s fairytale of their Sun Prince. That in
itself she couldn�t really make her furious, but the fact that a warder
was not suppose to attract attention had. It won�t do if every girl
That in itself couldn't really make *Take out the 'she'*
Closing the door, Siuan�s first question went off. "How long have you
been channeling?" She should of sat down and go about it slowly, but the
bottle up frustration was close to its peak.
She should <have> sat down and <went> about it slowly, but the
<bottled> up frustration *Wrong word and past tenses*
"How dare you speak to me like that! I�ll make you regret the day your
father stole his first kiss to you mother!"
to <your> mother!" *spelling*
*THAT�THAT�IRATATING BOY!* All sense fleeted from her mind except one
thing�
All sense <fled> from her *spelling*
mattered, he would endure. Get dressed in a rush, he need time, today he
would fix Illian from the Forsaken who ravaged this place for his own
end. Suddenly a knock came to the door. "Who is it," he barked out.
<Getting> dressed in a rush, he <needed> time today, he would
*Wording
is off still, I think*
What was she getting at, Moiraine always wanted him in good health,
after all she had said the world depended on him, but nothing is ever
gotten at first glance with Aes Sedai. "I�m fine" He would not rely on
any Aes Sedai. *Maybe, if I could trust you�maybe�*
but nothing <was> ever gotten *past tense*
Stretching his sense he picked out Moiraine not from where he lied.
"Could you explain what Siuan meant by this channeling-mathingy that got
Siuan got all bent out of shape?"
out Moiraine not <far> from where he <lay>. *need a word and
tense*
that got <her> all bent out of *Already said her name and take
out the
extra 'got'*
Lan looked at Ranma with a sword hold out towards him. "You should keep
it, it�ll help you when you need it most."
with a sword <held> out towards *tense*
Ranma. Now he was off to fight the person. *That simple minded fool!*
With a great yell She called for Ranma to stop. *He�s going after a male
channeler of all things. Even worse, one gone mad!* unconsciously she
should of taught him the proper way to subdue male channelers.
a great yell <she> called *No capitalization*
thing to face a male channeler gone mad. She was no match for the
strength of Males who wielded Sadin and at her current level, it would
next to impossible. Males were more powerful then females in the one
it would <be> next to *need a word*
power as much as very Aes Sedai hated to admit, and hers was as low as
most Aes Sedai could be. Watching Ranma get closed to being killed she
wove a weave of spirit as powerful as she could make it and threw it
Ranma get <close> to being *tense*
the passing blast that followed with a loud explosion. Rolling on the
hard ground she struggle to push herself back up bracing the pain and
the low ringing in her ears.
hard ground she <struggled> to push herself *past tense*
The clouds were gathering now. Everything was getting darker and
Rumbles from the sky could sparsely be heard. With a grim smirk he
barked out, "Yo, Pig-boy you gone so low as to go after defenseless
and <Rumbles> from the sky *no capitalization*
down, and she didn�t think she could run very far in her condition. The
horses had already ran away. The clouds for the first time in months had
gather too, but she couldn�t care less for that right now.
had <gathered> too, but *past tense*
A Great surge of wind blasted out of Ranma�s hand, swirling, picking up
everything from rock to dirt. The Tornado spun higher and wilder,
sucking everything including them in. It was a mad twister on the loose,
A <great> surge of wind *no capitalization*
She turned and smiled at him, then the unexpected thing happened.
Moiraine went limb and fell into his arms.
Moiraine went <limp> and fell *wrong word*
Note: The biggest problems I could see were the present and past
tenses. The best advice I could give is to sound them out as you proof
read it over. A minor nit is the random capitalization that appears in
the story.
~Kuku, ICQ # at 5350398
One thing that I've always liked are the fisherman quotes that Siuan
likes to make :P