The Sequel to the sequel to the sequel... ah hell... screw the old
title.
You know your anime is whack when...
=====================================================================================
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Utena and Miki trading blows when a cry from Anthy caught their
attention.
"What?" Utena asked.
"Look up there!" Anthy said.
Miki and Utena looked up to see someone walking on the ramparts of the
mirage castle. Suddenly, that someone lost their footing, yelped and
fell screaming to the platform. At the top of the staircase. The
unfortunate schmuck proceeded to roll down all the steps with Miki,
Utena and Anthy watching him/her.
"Well, he...<notices Anthy mouth the letters 'PC'> or SHE, is dogmeat
now." Utena commented.
"It's your fault." Miki said.
"THE HELL IT WAS! PREPARE TO DIE, PRETTY BOY!" Utena yelled, lunging
at Miki.
"Hear ye, hear ye, getcher' program here! Can't tell one bishounen
from his sister without a program!"
Sayonji collapsed. Utena huffed and relaxed. She had won. Suddenly,
she glanced over at two people sneaking up behind Anthy Himemiya. She
was about to yell something when Juri and Miki hefted the Gatorade
cooler and dumped it's contents on Anthy.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he didn't notice that Utena had raised her leg
until she plowed it into his groin, ending the fight.
Chu-Chu pokes Sayonji in the leg with charged cardiac paddle while he
was standing in a puddle of water (um, yeah, water, that's it.....).
Nanami (Whore of Babylon) motioned to the waiter (jellyfish-boy). He
nodded and picked up the champagne bottle. He walked towards Anthy,
when suddenly, the false bottom exploded, drenching Nanami (brazen
strumpet) with coins.
Anthy looked at Nanami, then at the bottle.
"There's my piggy-bank." Anthy commented.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he peed down his leg, causing him to slip and
impale Adam Sandler.
Utena stopped. She thought about it and she realized it made sense.
She was the main character, so she should be able to do whatever the
hell she wanted. She was destined to win, after all. She raised her
sword and grinned evilly.
"OMNISLASH!" Utena cried, lunging at her opponent using Cloud Strife's
final technique from Final Fantasy 7....
"Well, Ms. Serpent, I hope you and Ms. Utena get along." the guidance
counselor said, walking out of the room.
Utena got nervous. First of all, this wasn't the normal detention
room. This wasn't even the emergency detention room. Secondly, the
guidance counselor had thick earplugs in her ears. Thirdly, the
guidance counselor took only two steps before running out of the room,
slamming the door, locking it and running off.
"So, you fail to listen to authority, eh? Well, that doesn't scare the
Great Naga the Serpent! OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO!!" Naga
laughed, beginning a laughing fit.
Utena was later found in the farthest corner, whimpering for her mommy
to make the bad monkey to go away.
Sayonji began laughing.
"Now you're going to see my TRUE POWER! HehehehehehEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Sayonji said as he began laughing hysterically.
So hysterically that he farted, sending him rocketing off the platform
to land on a snow-covered mountain and eventually win the Gold for the
U.S. Women's Ski Team.
"You won't get away with this, Touga-Joker! Bat-Utena'll stop you!"
Anthy cried.
"Bat-Utena?! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Bat-Utena won't be coming, Girl-Wonder."
Touga-Joker laughed as he fixed his purple outfit, his white make-up and
his one white glove covered in rhinestones.
"Qwaaug-Qwaaug-Qwaaaaaaug!" Penguin-Saiyonji laughed.
Juri-Ivy looked at her tight green outfit.
"Why do _I_ have to be Poison Ivy?" Juri-Ivy asked.
"At least you don't have to wear _this_ stupid get-up. I mean, how is
this 'Riddler' guy supposed to scare people?" Riddler-Miki asked, as he
fixed his green tuxedo and his purple mask.
"Meeeeoowww! I like this outfit." Nanami commented as she, in her
tight black outfit, glomped onto Touga.
"HA! We'll see how you all like being beaten!" Bat-Utena cried as she
leapt in through a window with Wakaba who was dressed in a similiar
outfit, but more appropriate for her.
"Bat-Utena and Bat-Wakaba are here!" Bat-Wakaba declared.
"That's it! I want outta this thing." Riddler-Miki demanded.
"Me too. Even a fanboy lemon about me and Miki is better than this."
Juri-Ivy growled.
"You all signed a contract." The Narrator told them.
Juri-Ivy and Riddler-Miki grumbled.
*BIFF* *POW* *WARK* *THROW* *LEAP* *HORK* *WHACK* *THOOM* *FWACK*
*CRA-POW* *SHWING* *FLOOPLE* *HUH?!* *NARF* *POIT* *BREEEN* *PULL*
*POKEMON* *BOLO* *MORK* *MINDY* *SPOON* *WHIFFLE*
[Hmmm, a Juri and Miki Lemon.... It has possibility...] the Author
thought.
(1)
=====================================================================================
Sailor Moon
"#%@$ THIS! I'm going home."
The monster, Zoicite and the Sailors all looked at each other, then at
the person who had just said that.
"Naru?" Sailor Moon, aka. Usagi, asked.
"I'm sick and @#%#^!@$%^!#^!$#%ing tired of being in the middle of
these !@#%!@#%!#% traps! If I get caught in one, count it, ONE more
trap by you Negaverse-" Naru ranted.
"Dark Kingdom...." the youma interjected.
Naru glared at him.
"We're in Japan after all." the youma answered, shrugging.
"-whatever, by you creeps, I'm going to grab all of you and #%!#$^!$^!#
grey piping $^!#$^!#^!#^!#$^!#$^! dogs #$^!#$^!#^!^! frozen pickles
$%&$%&*%^*@%&!$%&%^*@$ sideways until your ^!#$^!# are in your
%^!#$^!#$^!$^!#$^!#$^!#$^!&^$%&@&@$ and they need a proctologist to get
it out!!!" Naru yelled.
Zoicite and the Senshi stared at Naru with their mouths agape.
"I say, that Naru has quite a mouth on her." the youma commented.
(2)
You know your Anime is whack when a pair of Mickey Mouse ears are drawn
on all the characters.
You know your Anime is whack when DiC or Bandai is involved.
Mercury ran faster. She knew they were gaining, but they wouldn't get
the treasure. Never. She turned, pulled a pistol and fired a few
shots, scattering them.
"DAMMIT! GIVE 'EM BACK!" came the angered cry from behind her.
"NEVER!" She replied, laughing before she took off again.
"This is all your fault, you know. This would never have happened if
you hadn't been so enthusiatic about getting her into this." came a
mutter from one of Mercury's pursuers.
"Well, how the heck was I supposed to know that she was going to react
like this?" came the reply from another pursuer.
"NEVERMIND THAT! WE CAN'T LET HER GET AWAY!" a third pursuer declared.
Mercury skidded to a halt. She was at a deadend with no chance of
escape. They were no doubt too close for her to double-back. She'd
have to take the treasure with her. She opened her pack and dumped out
the treasure. The pursuers appeared. *MUNCH**MUNCH**MUNCH*
"DAMMIT! NOW SHE'S EATING THEM!" came an enraged cry of Jupiter.
"YOU'LL NEVER HAVE MY REESES PEANUT BUTTERCUPS! _NEEEEVERRRRR_!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mercury laughed maniacally, cramming more peanut
buttercups into her mouth.
The rest of the senshi dove at her...
(3)
=====================================================================================
El Hazard
You know your Anime is whack when the title of the Anime is Magical
Pretty Girl Jinnai and the title on the box says "Cutey Honey".
You know you aren't watching El Hazard when the title screen reads
"Bishoujo She-male Sailor Mune".
=====================================================================================
Ranma 1/2
"Oh my. I finally beat you at Monopoly, Nabiki." Kasumi said.
[Oh no...] Nabiki thought.
"You do realize what I must do now." Kasumi said, climbing up on the
table.
[Not that!] Nabiki thought.
"OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA, OOGA-CHAKA!" Kasumi said, singing and dancing.
"Silly Ranma, you go squish now!" Shampoo said, stepping on Ranma.
"Ow. What's that supposed to do?" Ranma asked as Shampoo stepped on
his foot repeatedly.
"PREPARE FOR MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE, SAOTOME RANMA!" Ryouga bellowed.
Ranma prepared to defend himself, not quite knowing what to expect.
Ryouga had always had the advantage of being able to find exotic and
strange fighting techniques.
Ryouga closed his left eye, raised his right hand so that it was about
half an inch from the eyeball. He moved his index and thumb together
and separated them while saying, "Squish, squish, I'm crushing your
head."
Ranma facefaulted.
You know your Anime is whack when the Jusenkyo curses are replaced by
interpretive dances.
Herb and Ranma begin doing ballet.
Ryouga walks around with pork rinds, spilling them as he shoves them
into his greasy, sweaty, drooling mouth.
Mousse waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people's cars.
Genma waddles around, flapping his arms and pooping on people.
Xian Pu vomits up hairballs on people who are wearing expensive
clothing, getting every other animal in the neighborhood pregnant and
then urinating in the corner of every room.
Pantyhose Tarou raises his arms above his head and stomps around with a
sign that reads "Kick me, I'm Irish!" on his back.
"Of course they're all jealous of my martial talent." Ranma declared.
"Oh yeah, right! You wouldn't know what direction was up unless there
was a piece of tail in the right direction." Ryouga snapped back.
"Ooooooh!" the audience winced.
Ranma looked indignant. His bodyguard stood up and loomed over Ryouga,
causing the 'Lost Boy' to begin to sweat. Ryouga's bodyguard just
grinned and adjusted her jacket to allow for a clear draw.
"This week on Jerry Springer, when gay divorces go bad." Narrator
declared.
You know your Anime is whack when instead of turning into a girl, Ranma
just puts a red bow on his head and talks in a squeaky voice.
On the door of the Nekohaten, a sign is hung that reads "For today
only, fried chicken made with fifteen secret herbs and spices".
Curious, a passing SI character entered and had some.
"HEY! THIS IS KFC CHICKEN!" the SI yelled.
"Damn that Colonel fellow. We had the recipe for two thousand years
and he beat up to the punch by copyrighting it ten minutes before we
did!" Cologne muttered to herself.
The reporter shivered involuntarily as he got ready to read the new
story. The image on the screen to his upper-left displayed a picture of
a train going off it's tracks and slamming into a cheese factory. The
technical crew had screwed up once again and were showing the images in
the wrong order.
"Today's top story. An elderly Japanese man and an elderly chinese
woman hijacked a car and terrorized the town by driving around mooning
people. A majority of the people who witnessed the sight are now
terminally blind or have gone insane, trying to claw their eyes out.
Those remaining people have locked themselves into bathrooms and are
puking their guts up. The elderly people were finally stopped by a
passing SI character who annihilated a six square block section of
Nerima before being lead to a hospital where it is said that he will
never recover from his case of terminal blindness." the reporter
reported.
Suddenly, a picture of a guy's hairy ass took the place of the
train/cheese factory. People just tuning in screamed and leapt back at
the sight. Suddenly, a hand with toilet paper appeared to cover the
sight (apparently not the owner of the butt's hand because of the
angle), but still gave people a queasy sight to see.
"In further news, a train flew off it's tracks and slammed into a
nearby cheese factory. No injuries are reported as of yet, but there
will be no toilet paper or cheese entering the city for a week." the
reporter read.
===============================================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
If you see the following Angels, you know your anime is whack:
Microsoftiel - Angel of Dazing and Confusion.
HardwareHankiel - Angel of Handymen.
Texacoiel - Angel of Filthy Bathrooms.
Exxoniel - Angel of Drunken Sea Captains and Sinking Oil Tankers.
BurgerKingiel - Angel of Greasy Fast-Food.
Arbyiel - Angel of Thinly Sliced Roast-Beef.
PizzaHutiel - Angel of Surly Waiters.
PapaJohniel - Angel of Thick Crusts.
Dominosiel - Angel of Really Bad Drivers.
McDonaldsiel- Angel of REALLY Cheap Kids Toys and REALLY Cheap
Intercoms.
Toy'R'Usiel - Angel of Toys and Whiny Kids.
Redneckiel - Angel of the U.S. Senate and Using Red Man.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion has the STP sponsor
sticker on the side.
Misato: Hey, Ritsuko. How do you get the Evas so clean?
Ritsuko: Ancient Chinese Secret.
Gendo: [entering] Dr. Akagi, [pushes glasses up. *CLACK*] we're all out
of Calgon soap. Order eight more tons.
Ritsuko: [blushing with embarrassment] Yes sir.
Misato: [huffing] Ancient Chinese Secret, EH?!
Gendo: [pausing at the door] Dr. Akagi is so embarrassed that we use
Calgon soap to get that special sparkle on our Evangelions. Order
Calgon soap for YOUR Evangelions today. [pushes up glasses again.
*CLACK*]
You know your Anime is whack when your fight with an Angel is broadcast
on Pay-Per-View.
Kiel stared at Gendo sternly.
"Gendo, do _YOU_ deserve a break today?" Kiel asked.
"No one in their right mind said anything about McDonalds." Gendo
answered.
You know your Anime is whack when your Evangelion broadcasts the
McDonald's jingle when it's fighting.
Gendo stood up and proclaimed, "Fuyutsuki, hold the sauce... hold the
lettuce... special orders don't upset us..."
You know your Anime is whack when Domino's, in the desperate attempt to
beat out Pizza Hut, dresses Eva-02 as their old mascot, the Noid.
You know your Anime is whack when Marvin the chronically depressed
robot is writing the script for Evangelion, the OVA series.
Scribbles in bathrooms/Bumper-Stickers often seen around Tokyo 3:
"The government will finally win when they pry my cold dead fingers
from Gendo Ikari's throat."
"Kaji blows."
"Misato is a hottie."
"Rei's got back."
"Pen-Pen knows Evas."
"Order an inflatable Asuka. Hot Air not included."
"Ritsuko strokes her pussy all night long."
"For a good time, call Shinji at-"
"Kensuke yanks his crank."
"Touji pulls chains....at the church to ring the bell..."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Clip 1."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A slow day."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Terrible aim."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? A good start."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Mardi Gras!!"
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? Christmas Eve."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? All I want for my
birthday."
"What do you call fifteen dead SEELE members? TEqUiLA!"
===============================================================================================
Slayers
"LINA! LINA! I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!" Gourry yelled, running to the
opposite side of the room. Lina blinked as she stared across the fifty
foot room crowded with dining patrons at Gourry.
"What's that, Gourry?" Lina asked.
"Now there's a maxipad with WINGS! SO YOU WON'T HAVE THAT LITTLE
PROBLEM!" Gourry shouted from across the room.
Unfortunately, being across the room didn't spare Gourry from Lina's
vengenance.
"NAGA! That's the sixtieth bandit you've captured and killed by
forcing massive amounts of sex on them! in the last six days! And don't
give me that 'but you gotta try it, Gourry' explanation. I really
wanted to torture and main that one. Not to mention that we're no
closer to getting the information we need." Gourry grumbled as Naga
finished off the bandit by giving him a heart-attack.
You know your Anime is whack when Jusenkyo curses show up.
Lina turns into girl with boobs that need a HH-cup just for support.
(so naturally, she avoids cold water for fear of gaining back problems
and smothering)
Naga turns into a were-pig with an underwear fetish.
Gourry turns into a 5000 pound cyborg duck.
Zelgadis turns into a perverted (but ordinary human) girl.
Amelia turns into a dyslexic panda.
Sylphiel turns into a saber-tooth tiger with a messiah complex.
You know your Anime is whack when, to activate the Sword of Light,
Gourry yells out, "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL-"
"DAMMIT AMELIA! That's the tenth villager you've killed and devoured
in the last six days! And don't give me that
'uuuuuuuuggghhhhuuuuuuhhhhh' explanation. I really liked that one."
Lina growled as Amelia the zombie finished off the villager.
You know your Anime is whack when Rezo wears a black mask and starts
re-enacting scenes from Star Wars.
You know your Anime is whack when Lina says, "These are not the steaks,
ribs, pies, buns, oysters and fish sticks you're looking for..."
"Foolish boy, don't you know that if you marry this girl, I'll able to
sit on my ass and eat all day?" Rezo whined.
"No, Rezo." Zelgadis answered.
"Grandson/Great-Grandson, I don't think you realize how desperate I am
to do this. If you don't marry her, I'll be forced..... TO SING
KAROAKE!!" Rezo threatened.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Zelgadis howled in terror.
The stone page of the Clair Bible had just reached the specialized
slot. Suddenly, the tablet vanished. Rezo2 swung his hand and a giant
pillar began to fall forward. When it was about sixteen feet from the
ground, it suddenly returned to it's former position.
Three pictures appeared on a nearby wall. One was a shadowy dragon,
the second was the same shadowy dragon. The third was a cherry.
"Damn. Better get another tablet." Rezo2 commented.
"I hate Rezo's sense of humor." Eris muttered to herself.
"DAMMIT SYLPHIEL! That's the fifteenth copy of Dark Schneider you've
gutted in the last two minutes! And don't give me that look." Lina
growled as Sylphiel let the large intestines she had in her mouth drop
to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lina, but each one keeps hitting on me, I'm sick and
f@#king tired of it." Sylphiel answered, trying to wipe some of the
blood and gore off her clothes.
"Yeah, well, go clean up. I'll go meet up with the others and delay
Kopii-Rezo until you arrive." Lina answered, hefting the Bless Blade.
"Right." Sylphiel said.
(4)
You know your Anime is whack when Zelgadis starts muttering under his
breath, "Sheathe these feet in a blinding gale, make swift these legs,
over land I sail!"
===============================================================================================
Tenchi Muyo!
You know your Anime is whack when the promos for the next Tenchi Muyo!
Movie go like this, "Coming soon from Spank Your Monkey Studio
Productions, Tenchi Muyo! the Movie 4: A Midsummer's Poke In The
Garden'."
You know your Anime is whack when Tenchi summons the Wings of the Light
Hawk by whispering, "By what creeps and crawls, by what does not, let
all before me decay and rot!"
===============================================================================================
Unestablished
Fanboy in the darkness....
You know your Anime is whack when Don King is your fight coordinator.
You know your Anime is whack when the following production studios are
involved:
DiC
Viz
Bandai
Software Sculptors
AnimEigo
Kitty
A-kun
You know your Anime is whack when, should it ever appear, spoken or
written, the word: TharzZzDunN. And they do the eye thing.
You know your Anime is whack when, at any time, the words "Macarena" or
"Breast Reduction" are ever mentioned.
You know your Hentai Anime is whack when all the characters are
consenting adults who are sober, humans, married to each other and in
their own bedroom which has nothing more than necessary for sleeping.
And the lights are turned off.
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following
sentence appears:
"Yeah, but we're on FOX!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following
conversation appears:
"You're okay!"
"Yeah, but I still ain't got no pants."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following
sentence appears:
"Ranma! You're BRILLIANT!"
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following
sentence appears:
"Lina, I don't think you hurt him enough..."
You know your Anime is whack when anything like the following sentence
appears:
"Yeah, it'd be just like those evil Minnesotans to crush the poor
country of Japan."
You know your Anime is whack when anything resembling the following
sentence appears:
"Oooh, did you just see Ranma slap that girl?"
"I don't think she's moving..."
"Yeah, look at him kicking her in the ribs..."
You know your Anime is whack when people who are rich, powerful or sexy
as all hell are picked on by those who are poor, powerless or the least
popular person in the series.
===============================================================================================
Pokemon
"Oh, Trainer Battles all go the same way. Don King makes a big
announcement about the Pay-Per-View fight, millions of dollars is
invested by beer companies and it's over as soon as one of the Pokemon
throws the fight."
You know your Anime is whack when you hear Ash say, "I choose you,
Tiamat!"
You know your Anime is whack when you hear the narrator say, "Ash and
his friends entered a 10' by 10' by 10' room and saw fifty orcs..."
You know your Anime is whack when the narrator says, "Ash Ketchum, of
the Ketchum School of Anything Goes Pokemon Martial Arts and Misty of
the Cerulean School of Anything Goes Water Pokemon Martial Arts.
Engaged by their fathers, they tend to disagree. But, when Ash gets
wet, he turns into a busty young green-haired girl..."
(Editor's note: Red hair has been done to death.)
===============================================================================================
You know your Anime is normal when it teaches you the following:
How to make a rat-tail with a towel.
Smoking is bad for you.
Running off to another country with an Arabian Prince is wrong.
Screaming 3 year-olds are not funny.
Apples that haven't been washed might have pesticides on them, so thank
the nice hag...
Pies are meant to be thrown, not eaten.
Flower girls may just save the world.
Minmei is annoying.
Hentai Scenes must end in the parents of one or the other entering and
asking what's for dinner.
Spiky haired boys with a tendency to cross-dress are above average when
it comes to waitressing.
Young men or women who run around waving phallic symbols have solid
career potential as day-care administrators or congress.
Bastards never get laid unless they're a hero figure.
The following requirements are necessary for a hero: blonde hair, black
hair, ponytail, unusual hairstyle, Anime Hair.
To successfully kick Evil's ass, choose a hero or heroine with a
friggin' SPINE, dammit!
=====================================
A-kun
TharzZzDunN
?????
C-chan
Huh?
1 - This was inspired by an image from the actual series. If you watch
closely during the door opening sequence to the dueling arena, just
after the metal gates slide away and they show Utena again for a few
seconds, she looks like she's wearing a black mask over her eyes, much
like Robin wears.
2 - This was inspired by all the times Naru gets caught in those Dark
Kingdom/Negaverse traps.
3 - Inspiration: Well, everyone's gotta have an obsession or two.
4 - Ummm... well, the inspiration was a Jack the Ripper documentary,
followed by watching Bastard episode 4 and the fact that Syphiel and
Lina were both kind of late to the fight with Kopii-Rezo.
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