Well, I can't release a fake chapter of my own mega-epic (Krista Perry beat
me to it).

And I can't send out a statement saying I'm quitting writing
fanfic to go and become a priest, or somesuch (Chris Davies 
had the idea first).

Still, I feel that in honour of April Fool's day, I should
release something of questionable taste, poor morals and small
literary value.  So, with all apologies, I present the Waters 
Under Earth Silly Bits.  

Do not, under any circumstances, read these if you don't want
spoilers for all the chapters up to thirty-five.  Actually, it
would probably be best if you didn't read them altogether.  In
fact, the wisest course of action is probably to immediately delete 
this message and perform a full-frontal lobotomy upon yourself so as to
never even remember that you received this message.  To do this, you just
need an icepick and a steady hand.

**********

(This originally dates from around the time Gubby was most
active on the FFML.  His criticism of the length of WUE made me
rethink the entire concept of my writing)

Waters Under Earth For People With Short Attention Spans

Chapters 1 Through 5:

Ranma had weird dreams and had trouble controlling himself in fights.
He tried to resolve his feelings for Akane, but then Cologne kidnapped
his mother.

"Darn," said Ranma.  "I thought I was gonna get some action."

Chapters 6 Through 8:

Ranma killed someone and felt bad.  Then he went to Ryugenzawa and saw
a dragon, and felt a little better.

<I miss Akane,> thought Ranma.  <When do I get some action?>

Chapters 9 Through 12:

Ranma talked to a dragon, and then had to go to Jusenkyou.  A bad
monster followed him.

"Arf! Arf!" said Galm.  He didn't want any action.

Chapters 13 Through 16:

Saffron got killed, and Ranma felt bad.  Then he saw another dragon,
and felt even worse.  Then he killed more people, and felt even more
bad.

"I feel real bad," said Ranma.  "I don't even feel like getting any
action.  Well, maybe a little."

Chapters 17 Through 20:

Lots of stuff happened to characters who weren't Ranma.  Thus, these
four chapters had no point.

"I'm not Ranma," said Ryoga.

"Neither am I," said Akane.

Chapter 21:

Ranma went into a coma.  Stuff happened to people who weren't him.
Most of them weren't even regularly appearing characters, so this
chapter had even less of a point than the last four.  Ranma woke up
near the end, and still felt bad.

"I had no point," Kima said.

"Neither did I," Tarou said.

Chapter 22:

Ukyou got beaten up.  

"Ouch," said Ukyou.

"Poor Ukyou-sama," said Konatsu.

Chapter 23:

Some people who weren't Ranma had dinner together.  

"I am not Ranma," said Nabiki

"Neither am I," said Doctor Tofu.  "But gosh, I am sure am evil!"

"Oh my," said Kasumi.

Chapter 24:

Some more people, who also weren't Ranma, went to China.

"I am not Ranma," said Akane.  "But I need to find him so I can
get some action."

Chapter 25:

People who weren't Ranma nearly died.  Then they didn't.

"I'm not Ranma," said Mousse.  "But I am going to get some action
later on.  With a semi-divine being!  IN YOUR FACE, SHAMPOO!"

Chapter 26:

Stuff happened to Ranma.  Herb showed up.  

"I'm not Ranma," said Herb.  "But I am going slowly insane."

"I'm not Herb," said Wiyeed.  "I just look like him."

Chapters 27-28:

Lots of stuff happened to everyone.

"Hahahaha!  I am very evil!" said the Ravager.  "And also
extremly bishounen!"

"I better get some soon.  This is starting to piss me off," said
Ranma.

Chapter 29:

Ranma felt good because he did something with his power that
didn't involve killing people.

"I bet I could have got some here, if the author had been willing
to write it," said Ranma.

"It was simply sexual tension," said Kima.

Chapters 30-31:

Some bad shit went down at the Joketsuzoku village.  Genma got
eaten for lunch by a cannibal bird-demon.

"Hahahaha!  I am only slightly less evil than the Ravager!" said
Ritter.  "But I have character motivation!"

"Yum!" said Shouzin.

"Oh my god!  You killed Genny!" said the readers.  What wits!

Chapter 32:

Some bad shit went down at the Tendo house.  Doctor Tofu did a
very very bad thing to Kasumi.

"Hahahaha!  I am very evil indeed!" said Tofu.

"Gosh!  I am consumed with guilt, having finally been faced to
force the consequences of my actions!" said Nabiki.

"..." said Kasumi.

Chapter 33:

Some bad shit went down in Okinawa.  What's with all these
chapters having nothing to do with Ranma, anyway?  And why isn't
anyone getting any action?  

"Hey, shut up!" said the author, cheerfully killing one of the
major villains and screwing Konatsu royally.

Chapter 34:

Some bad shit went down in the Valley of the Waters.  Ranma was
in the chapter, so it was less pointless than most.

"Wow!  I think I'll meet Akane again soon.  Maybe I'll get some
action!" said Ranma.

"Hahahaha!" said Ritter.  "I am still very evil, but have more
character motivation now!"

Chapter 35:

Some bad shit went down in Ryugenzawa.  Doctor Tofu was going to
get some action, but then got eaten alive by a dragon.  Kuno lost
his tongue, and thus, his future chances of action are rather
slim.

"AIEEE!" said Tofu.

"Hurray!" said the readers.

(Brilliant, ain't it?)

**********

(This is more recent, and was spawned by the poll over Akane's
actions at the end of the fanfic "The Greatest Betrayal".  It is
probably even worse than the first silly bit.  Needless to say,
it predates Chapter 35)

Hey!

How would you like to determine the fate of the most despised
character in Waters Under Earth?

He probably isn't as cosmically evil or powerful as some of the
others, but he did the one thing that no one should ever do:

He hurt Kasumi!

So now you, the reader, can decide just what happens to Evil
Doctor Tofu.  Drumroll please.  Here's the question:

What should happen to Doctor Tofu in Waters Under Earth?

a)  He should die horribly.

b)  He should die really horribly.

c)  He should live, but secretly feel really guilty about what
    he did to Kasumi and years later require extensive therapy.

d)  He should take flute lessons.

e)  He should be revealed to have been possessed by demons the
    whole time, and not actually be evil at all.

f)  He should rape Nodoka and Nabiki and Ranma and the rest of 
    the cast, then conquer the world.

g)  He should be dimensionally transferred into the world of
    Complete Control, and repeatedly raped by Ranma.

h)  He should be dimensionally transferred into the world of
    Putting Your Heart In the Right Place, just for gratuitous
    wrongness value.

i)  He should be dimensionally transferred into the world of
    Paint It Black, where he'll fit right in.
    
j)  He should get his own limited-edition miniseries.

k)  He should be eaten by wild dogs.

Be sure to vote as many times as possible.  Remember, you're
serving democracy here!

(Note for those who don't get it:  I'm not actually expecting you
to vote on this)

**********

Waters Under Earth - the Musical!

(This was deleted to preserve the collective sanity of the FFML)

**********

R2086: NHotCSCWiBC,WMBM,UE 1/2 - FTDE!

(Ditto)

**********

That's it, folks.  Join me next April Fool's Day, when I hope to
be able to present 'The Ran of the Nibelungen' to the FFML, an
epic of truly Wagnerian portions that will make 'Richard Wagner's
Ranma 1/2' look like, like... well, like something very small and
insignificant in comparison to something extremely huge and 
large.

Ciao and happy April Fool's,
-Alan "Not Mike Loader" Harnum