Note from John:

I take no responsibility for whatever drugs my cousin Jenny may have
imbibed during the writing of this...Look, she'll feed me my own arms if I
don't post this for her.  Don't hurt me.  Anyway, this could be Ranma
Elseworlds 8 once she finishes it.  But I wanted some other people's
opinion so she'll kill you instead of me if I say no.  


Author's Note from Jenny:
This is just some teaser scenes!  I'm still working on getting it done;
hopefully it will be ready by Beltaine!

********

[Insert Purple Robes segment here...Purple Robes smokes crack and comes
up with the idea to try this timeline to prevent whatever exactly
he/she/it is up to.  How does that sound, John?]


********

Prelude:

	Everyone cried at Kimiko Tendo's funeral.  They had skipped the
usual cremation due to a fuel shortage, but her doctor, S. Bono Tofu, had
reduced her to her essential salts, which was just as good.  Maybe even
better.  The white crystals looked so pure and sparkling, although they
had to stop Akane from eating her mother when she mistook it for a sugar
jar.  

	They buried her quietly, then everyone went home to cry.
Especially her husband, who cried so much that for a few days, Nerima had
an extra river.  

	Two weeks later, Kimiko Tendo, now nicely tanned and with her hair
dyed green, walked in the front door of the Tendo Dojo.  Even for Nerima,
this was just a BIT weird.  Especially when she claimed to have been in
Bermuda the entire time, after being kidnapped by aliens.  Still, she
passed a blood test, looked the same (except for the hair and the tan),
and even acted the same.  So they dug up the jar, only to discover it WAS
full of sugar.  Akane gloated for a week.

	Soun had begun to suspect the good doctor was up to something ever
since the doctor had refused to let him anywhere near his wife during her
last month of pregnancy with Akane.  The way the man drew eldritch runes
all over his shop also bothered Soun.  After some investigation, Soun
dealt with the problem by arranging for the local Yakuza to ship Dr. S. B.
Tofu to Rwanda, Siberia, and Capetown simultaneously.

	What happened next to Soun Tendo remains a matter of dispute to
this day.  Some assert he was at Kmart, checking out a blue light special
when he suddenly burst into flames, ran screaming to the Automotive Goods
section, poured motor oil on himself, and burnt away to ashes.  Others
claim he rounded off the corners of his bedroom and refused to come out,
finally starting to death.  A few assert he went up into the attic to get
down the Christmas tree and never came back down.  The official police
record reads:  Vanished Without A Trace and Good Riddance.

	S. B. Tofu's son, Ono E. Tofu, moved into his father's shop,
painted over the eldritch signs, sold the stuffed Deep One to a
fishmarket, bought a microfilm machine, sold off all the eldritch books at
a garage sale a few months later, and changed the sign from 'Medicine and
Necromancy' to 'Chiropractor'.  Business boomed.

	Everything settled down to normal; the Tendos didn't cause their
neighbors any trouble, so no one pried into things like the occassional
scream (probably just a spanking), the increasingly loud thumping noises
from the attic (just someone getting something out of storage), the
occassional cry of 'Telekeli' on a cold winter night (everyone knew Kimiko
was an opera fan), the arrival and departure of yak riding women at all
hours (Kimiko's family were noted Yak Breeders from Sapporo, Japan's Yak
Breeding capital), the frequent visits by Dr. Tofu (Kimiko had always had
back problems), or the odd smells that sometimes wafted into neighborhood
houses (just incense, of course).

	In 1999, Kasumi Tendo had grown up to become of Japan's champion
Yak Racers, everyone was expecting Nabiki Tendo would become a famous
financier when she graduated from high school (and college), and that
Akane would grow up to become a Yakuza assassin like her grandmothers.
Public opinion shone upon the Tendos, regarding them as an upstanding
family which had triumphed over adversity and the loss of the man of the
family to become shining exemplars of Japanese society.

	Of course, public opinion also thought Hitler was joking when he
wrote Mein Kampf and SOMEONE voted for Millard Fillmore.  

	Things were about to change....

***********
Elseworlds 8 Proposal:

The Evil Doctor Tofu Saga

or 

Illin' by the Dashboard Light

or 

The Yaks of Lesbos

by Jenny Borchelt

************

	Kimiko Tendo checked her email.  

---
FROM:  Saotome@Yaks.Lesbos.Net
TO:  KT@Yaks.Lesbos.Net
SUBJECT:  Ranma

Child located.  Stop.  Moron disposed of.  Stop.  Training complete.
Stop.    Mental Reconditioning incomplete.  Stop.  Will Arrive Friday.
Stop.  Doo Wa Diddey.  Stop.

Nodoka Saotome.  Stop.
---

	Kimiko sighed.  Nodoka still hadn't grasped that email was NOT the
same thing as a telegram, which made reading messages from her a surreal
experience.  Still, the prospects were good.  She hadn't felt this happy
since her last orgasm.

	She ran into the house to spread the news to her children.  Kasumi
was in the backyard, bowing to the small evergreen tree she was growing.
The tree was decorated with small, brightly colored metal and crystal
spheres, tiny elder signs, and various Elder Gods dressed in red and green
elf and Santa costumes.

	Kimiko sighed.  If only I had realized she was dyslexiac in time,
before she sold her soul to Santa.  Kasumi would never quite fit in with
the rest of the family as a result.  "Shouldn't you be brushing your yak?"

	"But I have to pray facing the North Pole five times a day!  You
know that!  Or Santa will bring us a Cthonian egg again at Christmas.
This place isn't earthquake proof.  You saw what happened in Kobe when
THEY didn't properly appease Santa!"

	Kimiko sighed.  "Just make sure he's shiny by Friday, okay?
Nodoka is coming."

	"I thought she was trying to hunt down her husband."

	"She found him."

	Kasumi smiled.  "That's nice.  I hope they had fun!"

	Kimiko sighed again.  "Where is Nabiki?"

	"She's being naughty with Hiroshi and Daisuke again."  She shook
her head.  "At least she's not molesting my yak again."

	Kimiko frowned.  "She didn't try to take them up to the attic, did
she?"

	"No, she knows Little Sister plays too rough with mortals.  And we
can't keep hiding insane people forever."  Kasumi sighed.  "She needs to
learn some self control...I wasn't that bad at her age, was I?"

	Kimiko remembered the plunger incident.  "Yes."

**********

[Cut ahead to what I've written]

**********

	Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane stared at the two women and their panda.
One of the women was tall with a long bundled rectangular, or perhaps
cylindrical object strapped to her back, wearing a green halter top and
fairly tight green shorts.  The other was much shorter, with red hair
braided in a long tail, wearing a red jacket, black satin pants, and a
white shirt tied shut with a series of short yellow cords around wooden
bars sewn to the shirt.  She had the panda on a short leash; its claws had
been trimmed and it was muzzled.

	Kimiko, dressed in her usual tank top and jeans, stared at the
panda.  "I didn't think you were into..."

	The younger girl stared at the floor.  The older woman said, "I'll
explain in a little while...he's just a castrated pet panda."

	Kasumi ran over and hugged the panda.  "How cute!  I'll take him
to play with the yak!"

	The panda got big eyes.

	"Not that kind of play, you ecchi panda!"  She started to lead him
away.

	"I thought you said Mrs. Saotome was bringing her SON,"  Nabiki
said.

	Akane began to twitch.  "Boys...kill...kill..."  She lifted
Nabiki.  "KILL THE BOY!  KILL!  KILL!"

	"Put down your sister!"  Kimiko said sharply.  "There are NO boys
here.  And your fangs are starting to show."

	The younger girl blinked and looked over at Akane.  Akane, who was
dressed in a camo muscle shirt and dark camo pants, her hair in a short
black crew cut, also had deep red eyes and visible fangs.  Or did she?
The fangs suddenly receded and the eyes faded to a pleasant blue.  Her
mouth, clenched in a scowl, gradually faded to neutral, then quirked up in
a smile.  "Sorry about that.  Thanks to recent PROBLEMS," she looked at
her mother meaningfully, "I've had some difficulties dealing with men.  So
what's your name?"

	"Ranma," the girl said hesitantly.

	"Ranko," her mother said firmly.  "You can forget that old
disgustingly chauvanistic name your father tried to saddle you with.  I
will make a proper woman of you, or die trying."

	"Wanna come spar with me?"

	"Uh...okay,"  Ranko said quietly.

*************

	The inside of the Dojo proper was NOT what Ranko expected.  There
was a narrow ledge just inside the room by each door, and then the floor
plunged a good fifty feet and was full of water.  About two thirds of the
Dojo was occupied by a seventeenth century galleon, complete with cannon,
masts, and sails, which floated in the middle.  Eyepatches, scarves, and
weapons, mostly cutlasses, daggers designed for gripping between one's
teeth, and muskets, hung on the wall by each door.  Akane grabbed a scarf
and a cutlass, then leaped the fifteen feet to the main deck of the ship.  

	Ranko simply stood at the door and boggled.  "I've heard of ships
in a bottle, but..."

	"We used to have real Deep Ones living at the bottom, but we went
on vacation two years ago, I forgot to turn the feeder on, and when we got
back, the top of the water was coated with algae scum and they were all
floating on their backs on the top."  She sighed.  "Mom wouldn't let me
get more."

	Ranko took a cutlass, wrapped a scarf around her head, put on an
eyepatch, then leaped across to the boat with ease.  "So your family
really does practice Anything Goes Piracy."

	"Just to keep in shape.  We've moved on to Anything Goes Mystic
Terrorism and Yak Racing.  Using metal ships is cheating, but you can't
make a living with a wooden pirate ship anymore."  She got into a sword
stance.  "HAR!"

	"What's so funny?"

	"No, no, that's like 'En Garde' in fencing,"  Akane said.  "So
what's your style?"

	"Anything Goes Banditry, Horse Thieving, and Pillaging.  Also,
Martial Software Piracy, Martial Skateboarding, and Martial Law.  And a
little Karate, Tae Kwan Do, Judo, Atemi, Five Drunken Punk Monkeys, Raging
Dragon Dice, and Martial Dominoes."

	"Oooh!  Nabiki does Martial Law, but I could never get the hang of
it,"  Akane said.  "It's gotten us out of a lot of trouble, though.
Anyway...HAR!"  She leaped forward, aiming a series of diagonal strokes
with her cutlass.

	She drove Ranko back across the deck towards the stairs that lead
up to the raised deck over the captain's cabin.  Ranko was fast, but she
could tell she was stronger; Ranko nearly lost her sword several times,
Akane was sure.  Ranko didn't use the stairs; she simply backflipped up to
the upper deck.  Akane turned and ran up the stairs, only to have Ranko
roll five cannonballs down the stairs at her.  She lost her footing,
rolled down the stairs, and fell on her back.  

	As she started to get up, she saw Ranko doing a great arcing jump,
sword held high, coming down towards her, so she did the sensible thing,
stepping to one side and bringing her cutlass around to hack at Ranko's
side as she landed where Akane wasn't.  The sword came around and...hacked
Ranko in half.  Akane yelped.  Mom wasn't gonna be happy.

	Then she felt a tap of a sword point against her neck.  "You're
dead," Ranko said.

	Akane blinked, looking down at 'dead' Ranko, who was...a
life-sized inflatable doll of Ranko, now deflated.  "How did you DO that?"

	"Normally we use a bunch of them to make it look like Pop and I
had a lot more people with us than we did."  She sighed and held up a
compressed air cannister.  "These things work great.  Pop learned the
trick from one of his girlfriends...Wasyuu.  I wish we could have stayed
with her."

	"He...he cheated on your mother?"

	"Well, at first Wasyuu was mindcontrolling him, but I'm pretty
sure it wore off before we had to leave."

	"So where is your father?"  Akane asked.  "I know he kidnapped you
when you were five, but..."

	Ranko stared at the floor.  "I ain't supposed to talk about it.
He's...gone."

	Akane nodded.  "I'm sorry.  Even though he was a worthless male
chauvinist swine who probably deserved to be made into dogfood...well, I
miss my daddy too, sometimes.  He died when I was five."  She put a hand
on Ranko's shoulder.  "So I know how you feel.  Wanna be friends?"

	"Sure,"  Ranko said nervously, then smiled.  "You fight pretty
well."

	"You too.  I'm just glad I wasn't beaten by a boy."

	"How come?"

	Akane's eyes began to glow, and a bit of drool dripped from her
mouth, eating a hole in the deck.  "I HATE BOYS!  KILL KILL KI...sorry
about that."  She took a deep breath.  "Having sex with Dr. Tofu on his
operating table is great, but...I just can't...I don't want to talk about
it."

	Ranko blinked.  "You...with your doctor?"

	"Oh, we all do.  All part of Tendo Anything Goes Sex Magick.  I
thought your family did that too."

	Ranko twitched.  "Pop never mentioned anything about that..."

	"Well, unlike most families, we absolute forbid incest, so it
should really be called 'Almost Anything Goes', and your father couldn't
have initiated you without committing Incest and Adultery, so I guess he
does get credit for that."

	"..."

	"Anyway, let's go take a bath, and then I'll initiate you."

	"..."

***********
 
[I haven't written the grotty stuff yet.  Or a lot of the next few
scenes.]

***********

	Ranko, squirming uncomfortably in her dress, and Akane walked
through the schoolyard, which Ranko noted was devoid of men, though it had
a fair number of female students lounging around, talking, or heading
towards the building.  "Is this an all-girl school?"  

	Akane shook her head.  "The guys all get here early."  She
twitched.  "REAL early."

	"Oh."

	As they approached the steps up into the building, a single boy,
dressed in a hakama, stepped out, holding a bokken.  "Tendo Akane!  I
would date with thee!"

	For a moment, her eyes sparkled.  "Kunou-chan!"  Then her fangs
began to protrude, and a cold red light came into her eyes.  As she ran up
the steps, she seemed to grow an inch with every step, taking on a
greenish tint to her skin.  "I HATE BOYS!"  

	Ranko ran after her.  "Whoah, calm down!"  

	The bokken moved in a blur, but she grabbed it and ate it, then
punted him into the air, over the building, and into the pool.  "DEATH TO
BOYS!"  Breathing heavily, she reverted to normal.  "I...I'm sorry,
Kunou-chan," she whispered, then ran inside crying.

	"..."

	Nabiki, who had been lounging on the steps nearby, shook her head.
"The Boy-Fist...a truly deadly technique."

	"The what?"
	
	"Mom tried to teach Akane the Boy-Fist by announcing that only
someone who could beat Akane in combat could date her.  For two years, she
was attacked every morning by every male in Nerima, pretty much.  Now,
every time she sees a guy, she wants to murder him.  But she did learn the
Boy-Fist.  No male can beat her in combat."

	"..."

	"Good thing our hot water heater was out yesterday, eh?"

	Ranko twitched.  "You know?"

	"I'm a nymphomaniac, not an idiot.  Also, Mom hasn't found the
bugs I planted in her 'special meetings' room.  Let's make a deal.  I
won't blab your secret AND I'll teach you everything you need to know to
survive in our household.  Oh, and I'll make sure you NEVER turn male in
front of Akane.  And in return, you'll have sex with me whenever I want
and you'll pose for some girlie pics for me.  But I'll give you half the
profits from the pics.  Sound like a deal?"

	"And you help me with your homework and I'll help you with your
martial arts.  Deal?"

	"Deal."

	Nabiki got up.  "So what does turning into a girl do to your
sexuality?"

	"Makes me a lesbian,"  Ranko said.

	"So, in your boy form, you're now a 'lesbian in a man's body'?"

	Ranko rolled her eyes and started into the school.  "So ...why
does Akane call that guy 'Kunou-chan'?"

	"She's in love with him, but she can't get near him without
beating him to death.  That's why I never let Mom teach me the Boy-Fist."

	And I believed the Hat-Fist was bad, Ranko thought.
	
**********

	Kimiko, Tofu, and Betty were curled up together on Tofu's
operating table in one of the more unusual menage-a-trois of history.
Kimiko said, "She's going to be perfect once we purge her of all the bad
ideas her father put in her head."

	Tofu sent one of his imps to get them some tea and cookies.  "You
think she'll be able to pass as the reincarnation of Sappho so we can be
sure of the cooperation of the Semantic Lesbian Liberation Yak Warrior
Army?"

	"If I could convince them that Tsubasa was a lesbian, convincing
them Ranko is Sappho Reborn will be easy.  And once they seize control of
the Diet, we can sacrifice them all and open the way for Yog-Sothoth to
come through and join with Little Sister in taking control of Japan."

	"We must act swiftly, or Little Sister will grow too big for the
attic to hold her.  How are you going to keep Ranko from stumbling onto
her?"

	"We told her we're raising tigers in the attic, and they eat
anyone who they haven't known from birth."

	The imps brought the tea.  He served a glass for each of them, and
handed around some cookies.  "Bring her by here; I know a few points that
should further condition her.  Has anyone started..."

	"I make sure she and Akane spend at least an hour a day in bed
together, usually after they spar.  They've really taken a shine to each
other.  Maybe she'll wean Akane of her crush on that stupid Kunou boy."

	"I keep telling you we should send a hunting horror after him."

	"Not until we're SURE his father isn't Nylarathotep."

	Tofu cackled.  "I laugh at Nylarathotep."

	"The last time you did that, my ex-husband had you chopped apart."

	"Okay, I laugh NEAR Nylarathotep, then."

**********

[snip.  I haven't done the Ryouga entrance yet.  Basically, he fell in the
pool of drowned Yak, and Akane adopts him as her new mount for the monthly
Nerima Martial Yak Races.  Shampoo shows up, wanting to marry Ranma-chan
and kill Ranma, but Nodoka and Kimiko beat her up and mail her back to
China in a box]

**********

	Shan Pu was not a happy camper.  It was the third time she had
been crucified this week.  Shan Pu found this to be rather boring; if
you've been crucified once, you've gotten as much from it as you're ever
going to get.  "Shampoo bored of this training technique,
Great-Grandmother."

	Khu Lon frowned.  "Now, now, SHAN PU.  Use the fake names we stole
from that American so people would think we were Chinese and not from the
Amazon Village. "

	"Shan Pu bored with this technique, then."

	"You have to learn this technique, or we'll never defeat the evil
Tendos and rescue your lady love!  And we're speaking Chinese, so STOP
TALKING IN THIRD PERSON!"

	"Shan Pu not able to...I couldn't tell what language!  Shouldn't
we have been using <> or something?"

	"We're in China!  That's only for when someone who doesn't know
our language is around!  Can't you see we're alone?"

	"All I know is that you've crucified me again!"

	Khu Lon grumbled, dipped her staff in ink, and quickly drew them a
background.  Soon, they were surrounded by mountains, and far below them,
they could see the misty valley of Jyusenkyo.  "Better?"

	Shan Pu looked down.  "Shan Pu thinks...I think the ground is at
the wrong angle to my cross."  It toppled over on the sloped ground and
began to tumble down the mountainside on its side towards the pools.
"Iya."

	"Now we get to see if you've finally learned the countertechnique
which defeats Martial Crucifixtion!"  Khu Lon said, hopping after Shan Pu
on her staff/pogo-stick.

	While she still hadn't learned the countertechnique, Shan Pu DID
get to demonstrate she had learned Martial Not Drowning.  Later that
night, she demonstrated Martial Troll Beating too.

***********

[By this point, Ranma is starting to lose his sense of identity due to
being a girl most of the time and only becoming a boy to have sex with
Nabiki.  Posing for girlie photos every week hasn't helped]

***********

	Ranko put Hiroshi and Daisuke in a headlock with each arm.  "I do
NOT sleep with guys!  Go pay Nabiki if you want sex!"  She howled and
punted them into the stratosphere, then sighed.  She wanted to have some
guy friends, but every guy in the school wanted to be the one who
conquered the lesbian.  Plus, Akane tended to nearly kill the few guys who
could control their hormones.

	The family was having some kind of secret rite, but they had sent
her and Kasumi shopping during it.  She was starting to wonder what they
did in these rites, although at least the tigers in the attic were usually
quite for a week afterwards.  Sometimes she suspected the Tendos were
running an evil cult, but then, why wouldn't Kasumi be part of it?  Well,
besides the fact that she worshipped Santa Claus and was too goody-goody
for an evil cult.  But Akane was okay, and even cute when she wasn't
breaking some guy's nose.  Not to mention good in bed.

	Ranko flushed.  Being stuck living as a girl wasn't all bad.  The
sex was great and her pop was in the zoo where he couldn't bother her
anymore.  Although sometimes she wished he was around to bug her.  Her mom
was just...Pop had been petty, and lazy, and greedy, but he wasn't a full
bore nutcase like Mom.

	He also hadn't made her wear dresses and slinky skin-tight
outfits, either.  She was wearing a knee-length pastel blue skirt and a
sky blue blouse, unbuttoned down to just below her breasts, not by choice,
but because her mother had removed all the buttons above that.

	Ranko couldn't quite figure out what her mother wanted.  She
approved of men drooling at the sight of Ranko, and fully approved of the
photo session, but she also asserted that having sex with men was EVIL,
and told Ranko she would kill her if she ever found Ranko with a boy.

	Not that Ranko minded.  She had been afraid at first that living
as a girl would make her lust after boys, but instead, she simply had gone
from being relatively nueter in her girl form to lusting as much or more
after women as a girl as she did as a boy.  It had been a tremendous
relief the time Akane had tried to turn her on with an issue of Playgirl
and she had simply laughed until she could barely breathe instead.

	Akane kept insisting she should have sex with Dr. Tofu, that it
would change her mind about men, but she had successfully fended that off,
and Dr. Tofu had insisted he wouldn't force herself on him.  He was still
creepy, though, talking to his animated skeleton, sending little imps
everywhere to do his bidding, and collecting shrunken heads.

	For the moment, though, she could put all that behind her and just
go finish her shopping (she and Kasumi had split up to cover more ground).
All that was left was to pick up some take out okonomiyaki for dinner
tonight, since she'd gotten everything she needed from the hardware store,
picked up a keg of gunpowder for the Ship-In-A-Dojo, and bought fifty feet
of chain for her master plan.  
	
	The master plan was how she hoped to help Akane finally get
together with Kunou like she wanted.  Her mom had forbidden her to do it,
but she would do it anyway, just to show she wasn't a slave.  Plus, if it
worked, there wouldn't be any danger of Akane ripping her apart one day if
the 'Curse Lock' pills Nabiki was supplying her with ever went bad or
something.  

	The idea was to chain up Akane, then show her pictures of Kunou.
Gradually, they'd move up to a plushie, then maybe a garage kit model of
Kunou, and then bring in the real Kunou, but in drag.  Over time, they
could move up to finally letting her near the real Kunou.  I knew my
psychology class would come in good for something, Ranko thought.

	She walked into the okonomiyaki shop, and went up to the counter.
The woman behind the counter was quite cute, with long shiny black hair
down to mid-back, her bangs held in place by a bandana.  She had bright
green eyes and wore a purple flowered wrap around over black tights and
slippers.  There was a bandolier of small spatulas across her ample chest,
and a mega-spatula hung up on the wall.  Ranko stared at her; she looked
familiar.  Also, she was quite fine, and several naughty thoughts crossed
Ranko's mind.  Too bad she probably doesn't like girls, Ranko thought.

	The girl looked up at her and smiled.  "Welcome to Kuonji
Okonomiyaki #3.  I'm Ukyou.  Here to pick up an order?"

	A rush of memory hit Ranko.  "Ukyou Kuonji...from Kansas?"

	"Kansai.  Lawalencu, Kansai."

	She blinked.  "That name doesn't quite sound right."

	"It was founded by an American who couldn't spell."  She looked at
the girl.  "You know, you kinda remind me of this guy I knew when I was a
kid."

	"What was his name?"

	"Ranma Saotome.  What's your name?"

	Memories overwhelmed her.

**********

[Flashback scene goes here, showing them playing together as small
children]

**********

	"Hey, you okay?  You fell face first and nearly landed in the
batter,"  Ukyou said.  She was holding Ranko up, and rather visibly
staring at her cleavage.  "Trying to attract a man?" she asked.

	"Mom takes all the top buttons off my clothing,"  Ranko said,
blushing.  "So...you knew Ranma Saotome?"

	"Yeah.  We were great friends for about a year, and then right
before I was gonna ask him to marry me, his stupid father wore a Jayhawks
shirt to a Wildcats game and they had to flee so the maniacs from
Manhattan wouldn't kill them."

	"You are Ukyou from KANSAS!"

	She blushed.  "Okay, you got me.  My mom's American and my Dad's
Japanese, and he moved to Kansas to be with her, but then she starved to
death when she tried to go on a hunger strike until the Jayhawk football
team won a game, and then were were stuck for three years while we tried
to save up enough money to go back to Japan.  But now I've found out I
can't ever become a Japanese citizen, so all I can do is try to pretend
I'm one."

	She began to cry.  "All my customers will find out I'm gaijin, and
no one will buy from me, and I'll have to go to India and become an
untouchable like my grandmother."  She reached for her mega-spatula.
"I'll just kill myself now and get it over with!"

	Ranko sighed.  Ukyou always overdramatized everything; she'd
inherited that from her mother.  I wonder how's she managed to make it to
age sixteen alive, she thought.   She grabbed two small spatulas off
Ukyou's bandolier, bringing them up in a swift motion and blocking the
descent of the mega-spatula.  "Ukyou, if I had a yen for every time you
threatened to kill yourself, I'd own Tokyo."

	"But...My mother was American, and she was the half-Cherokee
daughter of a Negro sharecropper, and my father is half-Burakumin and
half-untouchable, which makes me ALL Pariah!  And I lost the only boy who
ever cared about me at the age of seven!  All I can attract is this
half-crazed crossdresser who belongs to a gang of lesbian terrorist
yak-riders.  I mean, I wouldn't mind the lesbian and crossdressing parts,
but Yaks are just DISGUSTING."  She was still crying, and now her arm
muscles were straining.  "You're strong, you know."

	"Ucchan, it's me, Ranma."

	Ukyou blinked.  "Oh man, I really DO need glasses!  Or an ear
cleaning...or a brain scrub."

	Ranko kicked off her slippers, grabbed a third spatula with her
toes, then brought it up to apply more leverage.  The mega-spatula
clattered away.  "Your dad taught me that trick so I could keep you from
killing yourself."

	"It is you, Ranchan!"  Her eyes sparkled for a moment.  "But...I'm
pretty sure I remembered you being a boy.  Your father didn't take you to
Sweden, did he?  Or are you just a really, really good crossdresser?"  

	"I...You know how Pop insisted I be a man all the time?"

	"Uh huh.  I thought making you get drunk and piss in a dumpster
was taking it too far, though.  I mean...you were only seven!"

	"Yeah.  Well, Mom's like that with me being female."

	Ukyou looked Ranko up and down.  "She's done a good job."

	Ranko blushed.  "She also fanatically wants me to...to be a..."

	"An idol singer?"

	Ranko facefaulted.

**********


	Ukyou had closed down the shop, and she and Ranko were upstairs on
the couch, watching TV and catching up on each other's lives.  "So, the
two of you have sex EVERY day?"

	"Yeah.  Part of my 'Almost Anything Goes Tendo Tantric Training'.
I can, like...identify Akane by smell."

	Ukyou made a face.  "I guess you and Akane are lovers, then."

	"Naah.  She's got this mega-crush on Kunou, but she can't come
near him without pounding him flat.  Plus, I couldn't ever fall in love
with someone who sleeps with the same guy her mom does.  Especially when
he's creepy."  She shuddered.  "Dr. Tofu's a good doctor, but sometimes I
think he's actually possessed by some kind of being from the Dreamworld or
something."

	"You've always had an active imagination, Ranchan,"  Ukyou said,
giggling.  "So, he's sleeping with Akane AND her mom?"

	"And both of her sisters.  And my mom."

	"I thought your mom was a fanatical lesbian."  Ukyou could feel
her brain starting to finally overload from too much weirdness.

	"She says she's a lesbian trapped in a heterosexual body."

	"..."

	"Don't ask me,"  Ranko shrugged.  "Anyway, so I'm not like,
Akane's girlfriend.  Not really.  Especially since I sleep with all the
Tendos; Akane's just the only one I do it with daily.  I kinda like Akane,
and maybe if she wasn't insane and I could be a boy, but... She's just
like a sister to me."  She sighed.  "I'm sorry to make you listen to me
complain.  It ain't manly to whine.  I'll just finish off this okonomiyaki
you made me."

	"So, you like, have sex every day with her, but you're not in love
at all?  It's just like family?"

	Ranko blushed.  "Okay, I admit it does sound sort of
implausible..."

	"Well, you haven't put your hand behind your head, so I know
you're not lying,"  Ukyou said.  "I'm gonna start at Furinkan tomorrow.
Would you come walk me to school?"

	"Sure!"  She finished off the okonomiyaki, and then realized..."Oh
man, I was supposed to be home two hours ago!  They're gonna KILL me!
I'll see you tomorrow!"  She leaped up, jumped out the window and ran.

	Ukyou ran to the window.  "You forgot your hammers and chains
and..."  She tried to think of why Ranko would buy cannonballs and failed.
"If you don't come in the morning to pick me up, I'll kill myself!  See if
I don't!"  That'll bring her back if the stuff she left behind doesn't,
she thought.  Ooh...if she doesn't come, I can kill myself WITH the stuff
she left behind...that'll show her!

************

[Snip return of Khu Lon, Shan Pu, Moose and Squirrel.  They set up the
'Road Kill Cafe'.  It is revealed that Shampoo fell in the pool of Drowned
Hat.  This makes her life rather difficult. ]

************

	Ranko was too exhausted to even try to finish the technique she
and Akane were supposed to be practicing.  She rolled over on her back and
stared up at the ceiling, which was concealed by the shadows of the night.
"You know you're tired when you stare at the ceiling and the shadows look
like there's a maniac with a mallet clinging to it."

	"Ack!  Ranko, get down!"  Akane shoved Ranko out of the bed just
as a woman clad in an off-mauve leotard, holding a giant mallet labelled
'property of Judge Judy', dropped down and tried to smash the spot where
Ranko had been lying.  "Kodachi, we're not lovers!  We're just training in
Tantric Magick together!"

	"Actually, I just couldn't stay up there any longer; you wouldn't
believe how exhausting clinging to the ceiling is."  She tossed the mallet
aside.  "I see my skills in Martial Voyuerism have improved though; before
I went off to school, you would have spotted me by the time Ranko orgasmed
the first time."

	She and Akane embraced and kissed.  Ranko stared in surprise.
"Uh...should I go?"

	"Ranko, this is Kodachi Kunou, Kunou's sister.  She was my lover
before her father sent her off to a private school.  I...I've got a big
problem, Kodachi."

	"What's wrong?  You can tell me."  The pale, dark haired girl
smiled at Akane, then wrapped a possessive arm around her.  

	"I'm desperately in love with your brother, but I can't come near
him without crushing him because of the stupid Boy-fist!  You've got to
help me!"

	"You want me to help you seduce my brother?"

	"I want you to help me not kill him before I seduce him!"

	"Right.  Just getting it straight."

**********

	[More stuff here]

**********

	"UKYOU-SAMA!"  Tsubasa shouted, riding his yak through the wall
into Ukyou's shop.  At least, they assumed it was Tsubasa; not too many
statues of 'The Thinker' had the skills it takes to ride a yak.  

	Ukyou howled.  The Amazons and the Yak Riders had one thing in
common...they all thought doors were walls and vice versa.  "Get out of
here!"

	"You've got join us, Ukyou-sama!  The revolution is coming soon!
SLLYWA (the Semantic Lesbian Liberation Yak Warrior Army) will soon stage
its attack, and I want you to be in on the ground floor to rule the world
because I love you!"  'The Thinker' tried to gesticulate, but failed
because his arms were made of stone and couldn't move.  

	She sighed.  "The revolution has been coming ever since I met you
three years ago.  You never should have listened to Hitomi!  You're not a
lesbian!"

	"Am so!"

	"YOU ARE A MAN!  You can't be one!"

	Tsubasa's cute, skillfully made up head, popped out of the
Thinker's skull, shattering it.  "Hah!  What would YOU know about
lesbians?  Don't knock it until you've tried it!"

	"I'm a lesbian, dammit!"

	"My name isn't Dammit.  I'm Je...sorry.  Conditioned reflex."

	Ukyou pounded him in the head repeatedly.  "Well, technically, I'm
bisexual, but Nabiki only gives Ranko the antidote to the curse lock pills
when she wants to have sex with boy-Ranma, so he hasn't been able to..."
She blushed.  "WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?"

	"Exposition?"

	Shortly later.

	"Look...up in the sky..."

	"It's a bird!"

	"It's a plane!"

	"It's the Thinker!"  

**************

[Snip more plot development.  We show a meeting of the Semantic Lesbian
Liberation Yak Warrior Army, which is led by Hitomi Ichinohei (from Ninja
High School), She-Orc, Duchess of Power, Tuxedo Kamen (in drag), Alice (of
Wonderland fame), and Haruka and Michiru (from Sailor Moon).  They discuss
their continuing search for Sappho Reborn, Haruka and Michiru make the
obligatory speech about how they'll do anything to find Sappho, and Hitomi
tells them that two of her agents have found someone who is probably
Sappho, but they have to test her to be sure.  

Then we have some stuff where Gosunkugi tries to use his magic to get
Akane to fall in love with him, succeeds, but then she pounds him flat
when he tries to have a tryst with her, and Kimiko mails him to Tibet.]

*************

	"Boy, you've got to get out of the Tendo Household,"  Cologne
said.

	Shan Pu said, "I thought you were Khu Lon now."

	"Go draw us a background so we know where we are,"  Cologne said.
"And let me and the boy talk.  And you should be talking in Third Person,
since we're speaking Japanese."

	"But I don't even know who you're talking to!"

	"Ranko, of course!"

	"Ranko's not a boy!"

	Cologne sighed.  "Okay, I'll do this."  She quickly sketched in
the Road Kill Cafe, which was a typical Farm-Market road cafe, complete
with license plates up on the walls, a tractor parked in front, and 'John
Deere' signs everywhere.  She, Shan Pu, and Ranko were at one of the
booths, while Squirrel flew around the room serving people, and Moose ran
the cash register.  "Better?"

	"Shan Pu much less confused.  Or is Shan Pu now Shampoo?"

	"Your call."

	"Shan Pu not like sound like fake dung, so Shan Pu stay this way."

	"But I can't leave!  I promised Mom I wouldn't run away!  Never
again!  I won't run away!  I won't!"

	She whacked Ranko on the head.  "You are NOT Shinji!  Stop that!"

	"Sorry.  All the weird smells in the Tendo House make me get
whacky sometimes,"  Ranko said.  "But my honor demands I can't just
abandon my mother."

	"Boy, the Tendos are an evil cult.  They've ensnared your mother,
and they'll destroy your mind!  They've got a child of Yog-Sothoth in the
attic, and they plan to use her to call down the Elder Gods to destroy all
of humanity!"

	"The Great Old Ones, Great-Grandmother,"  Shampoo said.

	"I thought you were going to be Shan Pu."

	"Shan Pu slipped."

	"Anyway, the real reason I came here was to get you away from
their clutches before they use you to destroy humanity!  Only mad
passionate sex between a guy who is really a woman and a female child of
Yog-Sothoth on the speaker's podium of the Japanese Diet can permanently
open the way for Yog-Sothoth and Daoloth to come forth upon our world."

	Ranko raised an eyebrow.  "What gave you THAT crazy idea?"

	"If you read Dianetics backwards, it's actually a translation of
the Necronomicon into the Amazon dialect of Chinese.  It's on page 344
when you read it that way.  It's never been done successfully, but..."

	"Gee, I wonder why.  I think you're just trying to trick me into
marrying Shampoo."

	"We both know I could care less about you marrying Shampoo;
especially since she's going to turn into a Deep One fairly soon, anyway."

	"WHAT?"  Shan Pu shouted.

	"Ahh, you ARE listening," Cologne said.  "Actually, I would like
you to marry Shampoo, but that would never happen if all of humanity is
destroyed, now would it?"

	"Picky, picky,"  Ranko said.  Maybe that's why we've been learning
to use Tantric magick to summon those flute playing frog things, Ranko
thought.  Naah...surely evil demon frogs would be able to play a decent
tune.  "Can you prove any of this?"

	"Can you read Latin, French, German, Arabic, Chinese, or Greek?"

	"Can you balance on one finger while juggling balls with your feet
and fighting off eight ninjas?"

	"My record is twenty ninjas,"  Cologne said.

	Ranko sighed.  "No, I can't."

	"Then I can't prove it.  No one ever writes ancient books of dark
secrets in Japanese.  Oh, sure, you can buy used panties in a vending
machine, but those won't tell you the secrets of the Cthulhu mythos..."
Cologne sighed.

	"Shan Pu know how to prove it!"

	Ranko blinked.  "You can?"

	"Shan Pu buy Peterson's Illustrated Field Guide to the Cthulhu
Mythos as a birthday present for Ranko!  Shan Pu give it to her early!"

	2d4 Sanity Points loss later, Ranko said, "Oh man...I wish I could
tan like Nylarhotep."

	Cologne sighed.  "Knock Ranko out until she recovers her sanity,
Shan Pu."

	"Iya!  Shan Pu have smaller breasts than Shub-Niggurath!  But Shan
Pu no can afford more surgery!"

	Cologne double sighed and clobbered them both before they could do
something more stupid.

***********

[snip scenes.  Cologne trains Ranko, Shampoo, and Ukyou in secret Amazon
Dreamtravelling techniques while Ranko continues to stay at the Tendo
House so the Tendos won't realize Cologne is onto them.]

***********

	Nodoka ran into the middle of the family dinner and said, "I have
bad news!"

	Kimiko nodded.  "You know the punishment for being late to dinner,
ESPECIALLY when I cook authentic Tcho-Tcho cuisine."

	"No, no, I mean...you remember the man who trained our husbands?"

	Kimiko paled.  "No...not him!"

	Ranko blinked.  "What...Pop's Sensei is in town?"

	"He's here and he's angry!  He nearly blew me up with one of his
bombs."  Nodoka shuddered.  "I tried to lose him, but..."

	They heard the front door explode, and two pairs of running feet
approaching.  The taller one, a thin, pale woman with long black hair,
dressed in a nice evening dress, caught Ranko's eye first, but then she
spotted the short man of whom her mother had spoken.  He wore a black
fedora jammed tightly onto his head, and a 'long' black trenchcoat.  In
one hand, he held a small bomb with a hissing fuse.  His eyes were dark
and shiny with madness, and he had a pencil thin moustache over his lips.
"You cannot run away from me!  WHERE IS MOOSE AND SQUIRREL?"

	"Don't make Boris hurt you," the woman said.  

	"They're at the Road Kill Cafe," Akane said.  

	"Oh...sorry about your door,"  Boris said, leaving with Natasha.

	"That guy trained my father?"  Ranko asked in disbelief.

	"Yes,"  Kimiko said.  "Good thinking, Akane.  He'll figure out you
lied soon, though."

	"But there really are people with those names at the RKC.  And
they really ARE a moose and a squirrel.  Cologne trained them."

	"..."

	I'd better call Cologne and warn her, Ranko thought.  "Can I be
excused?  I need to go make a...go to the bathroom."

	"Why don't we all go together?"  Nodoka suggested.

	"Good idea,"  Kimiko said.  Soon, they were all in motion, and
Ranko was hating life.

**********

[This next segment parallels the manga story where Ryouga becomes a giant
potato and learns the 'Idaho point'.  After that, we move into the big
finale.]

**********

	Ranko frowned.  "So why am I having to learn Martial Reciting
Greek Poetry?"

	"I am your sensei!"  Her mother waved the wrapped bundle she
always carried, but never unveiled, at Ranko.  "You will learn what I tell
you to perfect all the arts of the Saotome School of Anything Goes World
Con...Anything Goes Martial Arts and After-School Activities!"

	"C'mon, Ranko,"  Akane said.  They were balancing on opposite
sides of the mizzenmast of the Tendo Pirate Ship.  "You know it turns me
on when you recite poetry to me!"

	"But I don't even understand what I'm saying!  This could be some
kind of spell to unleash the Great Old Ones or something!"

	Dead Silence overwhelmed the room.

	"Or even worse, an advertisement for Menthos!"

	They all laughed and looked relieved.  "C'mon, Ranko,"  Akane
said.  "Semper Ubi Sub Ubu at me!"

	"That's Latin."

	"Whatever!"  She charged forward.  "HAR!"

	Ranko gave ground, beginning to recite one of the simpler
couplets.  She wouldn't be allowed to attack until she finished the verse.
However, she could dodge.  She gave ground until Akane was way out near
the edge of the mast, then leapfrogged over her to the central mast,
gripped it, and used her legs to turn the mast.  

	Leverage is power.  The mast swung around, tossing Akane off it
onto the foredeck, where she laid, dazed.  Ranko then jumped at her,
quickly shouting a poem about the joys of love between slave-owning lazy
good-for-nothings.  Unfortunately, it proved a little too long, as did the
jump, and Akane kicked her away, then leaped to her feet.  "Next time, try
something in hexameter."

	"Right."  

	And the battle continued into the night.

************

[Gosunkugi returns and casts a spell that removes Akane's ability to do
the Boy-Fist, and her berserkergang when she encounters men.
Unfortunately, it also destroys the love spell she cast on him.  She
summons Dormammu and hands Gosunkugi over to him.

The spell, however, also restores her sanity in other aspects, and she
warns Ranko of her mother's plans.  They go to the Semantic Lesbian
Liberation Yak Warrior Army and convince them that Ranko is Sappho Reborn,
but that they've been betrayed by Kimiko and Nodoka.  Together with the
Amazons, they launch an attack on Dr. Ono E(vil). Tofu's shop to put an
end to his wickedness]

***********

	Tofu seemed to have the ability to summon a Horror every few
seconds just by clapping his hands.  The Semantic Lesbian Liberation Yak
Warrior Army was being mowed down, even with their faithful war yaks doing
their best and the liberal use of automatic weapons.  However, they did
keep the army busy so that Cologne, Akane, Ukyou, Ranko, and Shan Pu could
confront Evil Dr. Tofu himself.  "Take him alive!"  Cologne said.

	"Trample him, Y-chan!"  Akane commanded her own war yak, who she
still hadn't realized was Ryouga.  They charged forward, and Dr. Tofu
snapped his fingers.  Akane had been transformed into a fluffy bunny,
while Y-chan was now a Hastur plushie.

	"Hah!  You cannot hope to...oops."  The bunny hissed at Tofu, and
its eyes turned red.  It sprouted massive vorpal fangs and leaped at Tofu,
latching onto his throat.  His head flew off, saying, "I forgot anything I
transform is never REALLY cute and innocent..."

	"We've won!"  Ukyou said.

	Cologne shook her head and pointed to the twitching corpse, which
was starting to shake and twist into a hideous mockery of a typical anime
porn horror monster.  "Now I know why he laughed at Nylarathotep...he WAS
one of the many forms of Nylarathotep!  At least he had enough humor to
laugh at himself, but...don't look or you'll lose 1d100 Sanity Points!"

	"What's a sanity point?"  Shan Pu asked, staring at the hideously
transforming beast while Ukyou buried her face in Ranko's cleavage and
Ranko turned away.  

	"Don't look!  It will destroy your mind!"  Cologne said, getting
out a mirror, and pushing the button on her staff which caused the laser
gun inside the head to come out.  

	"Shan Pu not feel any different," she said, reaching into the
quiver on her back.  "Hmm.  He's turning into a giant wombat with
tentacles."

	"The Dreaded Maroon Marsupial of Darkness!"  Cologne announced.  

	"Whatever.  Shan Pu glad she brought her +3 Arrow of Nylarathotep
Slaying, then."  She fired the air right into his brain, and he howled,
beginning to rot and collapse away into gray flakes of dried flesh.

	"Damn you!  I would have destroyed humanity if it wasn't for you
meddling kids and your troll!"    
	
	Staff to the eye.

**********

[Insert victory orgy here.  Ranko decides to live as a woman, and marry
Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, Kodachi AND Cologne.  So there.]

**********

[Insert closing Purple Robes scene where PR resolves never to try drugs
again.]]


John's Afterword:

Happy April Fools' Day!  This was inspired by Trish's 'Write like Mike
Loader' challenge, although a lot of other things came into it.  I was
hoping to write the whole thing by April Fool's Day, but I ran out of
time, and since even for me, this is COMPLETELY whacked out, I thought I
HAD to finish this by April Fool's Day and post it.

I promise this will NOT EVER be the next story for real in my Ranma
Elseworlds series.  I hope you laughed, I sure did!

I offer my humble apology to all the authors whose works I've parodied
here, especially since I've forgotten half of them...But hopefully, Jeff
Hosmer, Sean Gaffney, Scrivener, Mike Loader, and all the others won't
kill me.  It's a tribute!  Yeah, really!

Anyway, Happy April Fool's day and may the Blue Bird of Happiness not eat
your arm!





John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
ENTIRE CITY!