Ranma Saotome knew nothing of the basalt spires of 
Dylath-Leen; he had no knowledge of the crystalline air-boats of 
the city of Yerthardt that plied the skies above the pearly 

Nice style.  Pure Lovecraft?  (I've read very little of Lovecraft's
work myself.)

An attempt at pure Lovecraft, or at least his tone, yes.

town, and both had, though they would not have admitted it, an
enjoyable time.

I think, after your earlier style, a Ranma and Akane more open to
each other seems a bit more appropriate.  Just matches your style
better somehow.

Style and characterization are different things, though.  :)

     Upon spotting Akane, he grew affectionate and leapt upon 
her.  

After the initial occurence at school, is Akane ever again upset
when this happens?  I can't remember any such occurrences.  She
usually explicitly beckons nekoken-Ranma to her lap.

It has to do mostly with her being extremely nervous due to the date...
she's on edge, though everything is going perfectly, and then WHAM...
Neko-ken.  This makes her much less calm about it then she'd usually be.

     "Ya gotta help me out, Cologne."
     

I liked this abrupt transition in style.  It fits.  It's also nice
seeing someone keep Ranma IC in that, under these circumstances,
he _would_ go straight to Cologne.

Well, who else is he going to go to?  Happosai?  ;p
 

     "No, it isn't," Cologne refuted.  "A weak husband is a shame
for a Joketsuzoku.  The Neko-ken, on the other hand, is an exotic
and powerful technique when used correctly."

Shouldn't a single member of the Joketsuzoku be a Joketsu ?  The
final kanji does mean "tribe".

Probably.  I don't know enough about the language to say for certain.

	Reserving judgement on "ulterior-motivated Cologne"; at least
she's not "evil Cologne".

I hate "evil Cologne" with a passion.  :)

     "And think before you speak, for once."
     
     The knife blade cut slightly into the orange flesh of the
carrot.  Ranma gulped, and, for once, thought before he spoke.

Liked this bit.  Nice characterization.

Danke.

     "Who do you want to rid yourself of the Neko-ken for?"
     
     A dozen answers sprang to mind that he could give, all of
them false.  Cologne's gaze was flat and hard as ice, heavy with
the weight of years.  He was not, he realized, a good enough liar
to fool her in this.  "Akane," he said in a whisper.  "I gotta 
get rid of this thing for Akane."

VERY good.

I've always been of the opinion that if Ranma ever got around to actually
coming out and choosing Akane, Cologne would pack up Shampoo and head back
to China.  :)
 

     Cologne let out a weary sigh, and managed to look both 
disappointed and pleased at once.  "Very well.  I'll help you."

Excellent work on Cologne.

Thanks!

seconds, and then began to juggle a half-dozen uncut carrots.  

Heh.  Another really excellent bit of characterization.

I liked writing this scene because I'm very able to picture it happening in
the manga.  :)

     Her smile was thin and humourless.  "The strings you tie
yourself are more binding than any I might."

Okay, "wise Cologne".  _Very_ good.

I like "wise Cologne" a lot better than "evil Cologne".  

room, and as Ranma happened to have looked inside the open door
on the off chance that something was wrong with his 
supposedly-sleeping fiancee, the end result was a sound thrashing 
due to Akane's presumption that Ranma had some nefarious end in 
mind - 'walking around the house in the middle of the night and
peeking into my room like some sort of weirdo pervert' were her 
words, more or less.

Again, this seems like mild Akane-bashing.  IC for early in the
series, but if this is set after v38, I'd have thought Akane
would wait to see his intention, and bash him only _after_ he'd
made it clear that "no way would I sneak into the room of a
tomboy like YOU."

I should probably add that, and describe it in Lovecraftian terms.  :)

As for continuity... I don't really have a clear focus of when 'Eidolons'
takes place... it doesn't really need a specific point in the manga, beyond
having all the fiancees show up.  

Granted, Akane is not your focus here, but the contrast between
the subtlety of your handling of Ranma and Cologne, and the average
handling of Akane, makes the latter stand out.  Given your overall
excellence, the reader just expects more.

Ack.  I _really_ did not mean this part to come off as Akane-bashing... I'm
vehemently opposed to that little sport.  Will try to adjust the chapter to
show her in a better light.

to be villages.  But what stunned him were the mountains.  Two of
them were visible, forested on their lower slopes and rising tens
of thousands of feet into the air to peaks capped with frost and
snow that glowed blue beneath the starlight.  They were bigger 
than Fuji-san - bigger perhaps even than Everest - and Ranma 
realized then that wherever he was, it was not of earth.

Another nice description.  Conceivably, Ranma has seen the Himalayas,
too, prior to Jusenkyo.

Quite possibly, though he's really guessing more than anything else here.
These are big mountains.

wretched disgust as the moss grew upon his clothes, and, even
worse, upon his skin.  Tangled fingers stroked his hair, kissed
his forehead.  The last thing he saw as the moss drew a reeking,
faintly-glowing mask across his face, were the quick dark shapes 
flitting from the underbrush, weird eyes glinting with green
light and hunger.

Eeeewwww!  An appropriately horrific note to end on.

Good.  :)

Overall thoughts:  stylistically this is exceptional.  Ranma's
and Cologne's characterizations are also exceptional (though
not, unfortunately, Akane's).  You haven't set yourself an easy
task, though; sustaining any level of horror will be difficult.

Fortunately, I don't have to sustain it for long.  Two more chapters.  :)

Ranma heading off for a solo adventure, away from his mileau, is
not one of my favorite subgenres, but I'll keep my eye on this
series.

Cool.  Hope it doesn't disappoint.  Thanks for the comments.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum