"What do you _mean_, all the regular characters are booked?"

"Just what I said!  They're tied up all this month on the new Lawson
series, 'Her Outward Parts.'"

"Er, are you sure about that title?"

"Well, nearly."

"All right then.  But ... this is hopeless!  How are we supposed to do a
Ranma fanfic without any of the regular characters?"

"Not to worry.  I managed to get us some ... substitutes."

"Some _what_?"

"Trust me, it'll be great!  Take a look at this gang!"

(Pause)

"Are you nuts?  Who _are_ all these people?  This will never work!"

"Hey, look, I had to take what I could get!  Anyway, they're all getting
bored with their own series, so they thought it might be fun to have a
go at this one."

"'Fun' is not the word for how it's going to be."

"Well, have you got any better ideas?"

(Sigh)  "... Now that you mention it, no."

"There, you see?  C'mon, this is going to be terrific!  Nobody'll notice
the difference, I promise!  All right, everybody, are you ready?  All
got your scripts?  Okay, then ... cue scene 1, and ... ACTION!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Replacement Ranmas"
by Angus MacSpon

------------------------------------------------------------------------


[The Tendo home.  We see a middle-aged man in a gi sitting in the living
room, reading a postcard.  He is wearing a long, flowing black wig, and
a very obvious false moustache.]

YOSHO:  Hmm.  My old friend Genma is coming to visit, with his son
Ranma. [He clears his throat, and starts to sob.]  Oh, how I've waited
for this day!  Daughters!  Where are you?  I have important news!  [He
goes into the kitchen.]  Kasumi!

BELLDANDY:  Yes, father?

YOSHO:  Come through into the living room.  I must speak to you all.
[He goes upstairs, into Nabiki's room.]  Nabiki!

NANAMI JINNAI:  What's up, pops?

YOSHO:  Come downstairs, quickly.  Now, where is that sister of yours?
Akane!  Akane!


[Outside: a young girl comes jogging up the street toward the Tendo
home.  She has long hair that has been hastily, and rather poorly, dyed
black.  She jogs inside, changes quickly into a gi, and approaches a
stack of bricks that have been set up outside.  She concentrates for a
moment, then strikes out with one mighty blow!]

ASUKA:  Ow!  Damn!  Scheisse!

[The bricks are undamaged.  ASUKA staggers around, clutching her hand
and cursing.  NANAMI approaches.]

NANAMI:  You are so weird.  You didn't really think you could do that,
did you?

ASUKA:  It's in the script!  Ow, ow, ow.

NANAMI:  For a small fee I can show you how to do that without getting
hurt.

ASUKA:  Really?

NANAMI:  ... No.

ASUKA:  Verdammt strudel mit panzer dummkopf und blitzen schnitzel!

NANAMI:  [Facefaults]  You don't actually speak German at all, do you?

ASUKA:  I guess I have something in common with my seiyuu.

NANAMI:  You know, I'm starting to regret taking this job already.
El-Hazard wasn't all that bad.  Well, anyway.  Come inside, "Daddy" has
something he wants to tell us.

ASUKA:  Oh, I can't wait.


[In the house.  The three girls are kneeling down before YOSHO.]

YOSHO:  Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, I've just had some very good news.  An
old friend of mine is coming to visit, bringing his son.  The boy will
be one of your ... one of your ...

BELLDANDY:  ... Yes, father?

ASUKA:  I've got a script here, if you've forgotten your lines.

YOSHO:  No, it's ... it's ... Nabiki, I'm quite sure you're not supposed
to have orange hair.

NANAMI:  I got it in my contract.  No wigs, no dye, and I get to keep
any money I can make on top of Nabiki's usual weekly take.  And if my
brother shows up, I get to throw him in the spring of drowned dung
beetle.

BELLDANDY:  Oh, my.

ASUKA:  You got that in your contract?

NANAMI:  That guy doing the recruiting seemed pretty desperate.

YOSHO:  Hmm.  So I needn't have bothered with this wig, then.  [He gives
it an experimental tug.]

NANAMI:  Too late now.  [YOSHO stops tugging, disappointed.]  Anyway, I
don't know why you bother with it at all.  If you just dropped that
illusion of yours you'd have long black hair anyway.

YOSHO:  No.  The sight of it drives most women mad with desire, and I
promised my son-in-law that I'd leave that to Tenchi.

BELLDANDY:  Oh.  [She looks disappointed.]

ASUKA:  Oh.  [She looks disappointed.]

[ASUKA and BELLDANDY give each other suspicious glances.]

NANAMI:  So, what was it you were going to tell us?

YOSHO:  Oh, yes.  Well, according to this postcard --

SHAYLA-SHAYLA [shouting, off]:  Are you ready yet?

YOSHO:  No, I'm still briefing them.

SHAYLA [off]:  Right, sorry.

YOSHO:  As I was saying, my old friend Genma and his son Ranma are
coming to visit.  If one of you three girls were to marry Ranma, the
future of the Tendo School of [consults script] Anything-Goes Martial
Arts would be secure!

ASUKA:  Marry some guy I've never met?  Are you crazy?

NANAMI:  Hmm.  Is he photogenic?

BELLDANDY:  Hmm.  Does he have a cute butt?

[Everybody stares at BELLDANDY.]

BELLDANDY:  Sorry.  Oh, my.

NANAMI:  So when are they getting here?

YOSHO:  Why, it could be any moment [raises voice] _now_.

[Silence.]

YOSHO:  I said, NOW!

SHAYLA [off]:  Sorry!

[There is a sudden thump, then an urgent rattling at the front door.]

NANAMI:  Oh, I simply can't imagine who that could be.  [She sighs, and
clears her throat.]  Ooh, it must be Ranma!

[She and YOSHO go out to answer the front door.  There is a sudden yelp
of surprise, an odd squawking noise, then the sound of running feet.
YOSHO and NANAMI run back into the room, followed by SHAYLA (with her
hair tied back in a pigtail), followed by --]

ASUKA:  ... A penguin?!

SHAYLA [nervously]:  No, it's a panda.

ASUKA:  It is not!  It's a penguin!

SHAYLA:  No, it's ... it's definitely a panda.  Look, see here in the
script.  [She points.]  It clearly says 'panda.'

ASUKA:  But it's not!  It's a penguin!  It's ... in fact, it's Pen-pen!

SHAYLA [out of the corner of her mouth]:  Look, are you trying to get us
into trouble?  We couldn't find a panda, okay?  Just pretend, for God's
sake.

PEN-PEN:  Arrk.

YOSHO [to SHAYLA]:  And you would be ...?

SHAYLA:  Ranma Saotome.  Er ... sorry 'bout this.

[She scratches the back of her head nervously.  Everybody stares at her
for some time.  Finally ASUKA clears her throat and makes an unsubtle
gesture toward YOSHO.]

YOSHO:  Oh, yes.  At last you're here!  [He grabs SHAYLA and hugs her.]

ASUKA:  Umm, there's something funny about 'Ranma' there, Daddy.

YOSHO:  Mmm?

[He is still hugging SHAYLA, quite ... thoroughly.]

SHAYLA:  Hey, watch it with the hands, buster!

YOSHO:  My future son-in-law seems to be unquestionably ... mammalian.

NANAMI:  You mean he's a --?  [She reaches out toward SHAYLA to check.]

SHAYLA [wrenching herself free with difficulty]:  Hey, quit it already!
I get enough of that from Alielle, thank you very much.  Oh, hi, Nanami.
They roped you into this, too?

NANAMI:  Yeah, well, I needed a break.  How 'bout you?

SHAYLA:  Oh, you know how it goes --

ASUKA [irritated]:  If you two are quite finished?

NANAMI:  Sorry.

SHAYLA:  Sorry.  [Sotto voce:]  Got your time of month, dear?

ASUKA:  What was that?  Look, you want to step outside?  In fact ...
[She gives a nasty grin.]  Hey, 'Ranma,' you've been studying martial
arts, right?  You wanna go and ... spar ... for a bit?

SHAYLA:  Right with you.

[They head outside, and into the dojo.  A few seconds later there is a
flash of light, and a loud explosion.  SHAYLA comes out again, smirking.
ASUKA follows her, smoking.]

ASUKA [twitching]:  O-o-o-o-kay.

BELLDANDY:  Oh, my, did you two have a nice time?

SHAYLA:  Sure did!  Thanks!

ASUKA:  Dammit, why didn't the script _say_ she could do that?  [She
starts to mumble uncomplimentary things about SHAYLA under her breath.
The others pretend not to notice.]

BELLDANDY:  Well, Ranma, if you've been travelling I'm sure you could
use a nice, refreshing bath.  And Akane, you --  [She examines ASUKA's
gi, which is mostly charred ashes.]  I think you need to be
decontaminated, or something.

ASUKA:  All right, all right.

[ASUKA and SHAYLA head off.  BELLDANDY goes back into the living room,
where YOSHO is talking to another man, who has a stubbly face and an
entirely unnecessary handkerchief (knotted at the corners) over the top
of his head.  She continues on into the kitchen.  After a few moments,
NANAMI comes in.]

NANAMI:  Say, Kasumi, who's that guy Dad's talking to?

BELLDANDY:  I'm not sure.  Keiichi and I don't watch TV much.  He does
look familiar, but I can't quite place which series he's from.

NANAMI:  As long as it isn't Dragon Pink.


[ASUKA approaches the bathroom, with an armful of replacement clothes.
She strips off, and steps through the door -- and stops short.  There is
a young man just climbing out of the furo.  They stare at each other.
ASUKA stares for quite a long time.  After a while she backs out,
looking somewhat flushed, and goes to find NANAMI.]

ASUKA:  Hey, Nabiki, can I borrow one of your cameras?

NANAMI:  What?  I thought I had the photography concession in this
series?

[There is a footstep behind them.  Everyone looks around, to see the
young man -- now fully dressed -- standing there.  He is looking very
uncomfortable in a red Chinese shirt.  His hair is tied back in a
pig-tail.  Well, a pony-tail, anyway.]

NANAMI:  And who might you be?  As if we didn't all know.

TENCHI:  Um ... I'm Ranma Saotome.  Sorry 'bout this.



------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Interlude:  A control booth, somewhere or other.  Towering banks of
complex control panels are everywhere.  Many of them are labelled
"Property of Greatest Scientific Mind in the Universe Inc (TM).  Return
to Washu-chan OR ELSE."  One wall is taken up by a huge monitor which is
showing what's currently happening in the Tendo home.]

[Two henchmen are watching the monitor.  They do not seem entirely happy
with what they're seeing.]

DAISUKE:  He's not going to be pleased, you know.

HIROSHI:  Hey, I think it's going pretty well, considering!

DAISUKE:  Considering it was your idea, you mean?

HIROSHI:  Well ... well, they're sticking to the storyline, aren't they?
More or less?

DAISUKE:  We are so, so doomed.

HIROSHI:  Well, whose idea was it for us to take this job in the first
place?  We were all set to get some decent roles at last in that new
fanfic by --

DAISUKE:  It was _your_ idea.  Not mine.

HIROSHI:  ... Are you sure?  I thought it was your idea.

DAISUKE:  No, my idea was to get Shampoo and Kodachi drunk, trick them
into sleeping together, persuade Nabiki to do a photo shoot of it all,
and rake in millions of yen.

HIROSHI:  Hey, yeah, why didn't we do that one?

[Enter the AUTHOR.]

MacSPON:  Hi, guys.  How's the 'fic coming?

HIROSHI:  It's going, ahh, it's going really, really --

DAISUKE:  Words cannot describe it.

HIROSHI:  Well, yeah.  That's right.

MacSPON:  Oh?  That good?  Well, keep it up!  You know, I always thought
you two were smarter than you looked.

HIROSHI:  Oh, definitely.

DAISUKE:  Absolutely.  What do you mean, 'than we looked'?

MacSPON:  Just let me go back through the tape here, I wasn't entirely
happy with the script in a couple of spots --

DAISUKE:  Um, I'm not sure that's such a good --

MacSPON:  Eep.

HIROSHI:  Start running, man, now.

MacSPON:  What the hell is this?  This was supposed to be the opening
chapter of "Winterfall," my big sequel to "Autumn and Spring"!  What
have you two bozos _done_?

HIROSHI:  Well, it's sort of like a free interpretation of --

DAISUKE:  We wanted to give the actors a chance to warm up before --

MacSPON:  Who the hell is going to want to read _this_ junk?

HIROSHI:  That's a very good point, and I was just telling Daisuke
that right before you came in.

MacSPON:  Do you have any idea how much it _costs_ to hire all these
actors?

DAISUKE:  Um, well, nothing actually.  We couldn't get any of the real
guys, so we just picked up anybody who didn't have anything better to
do, or was getting bored with their own series.

MacSPON:  ... Um.  Nothing?  Really?  You're sure?

HIROSHI:  Well, yeah, that was how I persuaded Daisuke to --

DAISUKE:  That was our keen business senses at work.

MacSPON:  Er.  Nothing.  Um.  Tell you what, let it run for a while.
Just out of curiosity, you understand.

HIROSHI AND DAISUKE:  Gotcha.

------------------------------------------------------------------------



[The Tendo home.  Everybody is gathered in the living room.  YOSHO and
the mysterious newcomer are kneeling facing TENCHI and the three girls.]

YOSHO:  Let me explain it one more time.  This is my dear friend --

ASUKA:  KAJI!!!!!

[She launches herself at the newcomer, knocking the handkerchief off his
head, and engulfs him in a Glomp of Doom (TM).]

YOSHO:  Ahem.  Genma Saotome.  And my gra-- er, and his son, Ranma.

BELLDANDY:  Gracious.

NANAMI:  Kaji?  I thought you were dead.

KAJI:  Not any more.  The whole shooting thing was an accident, and to
make it up to me they put me into this time-share arrangement where I
share a body with this space cop named Birdy.

ASUKA:  Really?!

KAJI:  ... No.

ASUKA:  AUGGHHH!!

BELLDANDY:  But wasn't Ranma a girl before?  And what happened to that,
er, panda?

KAJI:  Hmm, how should I explain this?  Let's see ... oh, I know!

[He picks up TENCHI and throws him out into the koi pond.  There's a
tremendous splash of water.  Instantly we hear a shout of "Coming
through!"  SHAYLA comes sprinting out and dives into the pond with
TENCHI.  TENCHI then climbs out, runs off, and hides.  SHAYLA is left
standing, alone, in the pond.]

BELLDANDY:  My goodness.  He ... became a she.

ASUKA:  I can't believe you just said that.

KAJI [mournfully]:  It's very sad.

ASUKA:  You're telling me.

SHAYLA [climbing out of the pond]:  Sad?  Is that what you call it?
Suck on _this_, old man!

[She lunges at him, picking him up.  We can just hear them whispering to
each other:  "Is this all right?  I'm not holding you too tightly, am
I?"  "No, that's fine."  "Okay, here goes."  Then she throws him into
the pond.  There's a tremendous splash again.  After a few seconds,
PEN-PEN bobs to the surface.  KAJI does not reappear.]

SHAYLA:  See how sad you call _that_!

PEN-PEN:  Arrk.

ASUKA:  Hey, what happened to Kaji?  Kaji!

[They run to the edge of the pond and look in.  KAJI is lying on the
bottom, wearing an aqualung.  He motions for them to go away.]

NANAMI:  Such interesting friends you have, daddy.

YOSHO:  They weren't like this before ... no, it all started that
fateful day in China, when --



[The picture goes wavy, and then clears.  We see the fabled springs of
Jusenkyo.  KAJI and TENCHI are being shown around by a burly, tough-
looking man.]

BATEAU:  Greetings, customers, this is the legendary "Training Ground of
Accursed Springs," and if you think I'm doing that stupid accent then
you're wrong.

TENCHI:  Boy, what happened to your eyes?

BATEAU:  I fell asleep while using a pair of binoculars.  Any more
stupid questions?  I thought you were here to train.  Oh, and I'm
supposed to warn you about these curses --

KAJI:  Ready, Ranma?

TENCHI:  Nothing to it!

[He draws the Tenchi-ken.  KAJI pulls out his pistol, and --]

NANAMI [off]:  All right, all right, we've only see this a hundred times
before.  Let's skip this bit, all right?



[The picture goes wavy again, and we see the Tendo home once more.
PEN-PEN is gone and KAJI has returned.]

YOSHO:  Well, all right.  I was looking forward to the bit where Ranma
pulls her gi open, though.

[SHAYLA hits him.  He dodges effortlessly and she hits ASUKA instead.]

ASUKA:  What do you think you're doing?  If you want a rematch, I'm
game!  We'll just see who's so tough now that I'm ready for your little
fire tricks!

SHAYLA:  Ready whenever you are, girl!

[A cat-fight begins to develop.  YOSHO and KAJI watch contentedly.]

KAJI:  They're like a married couple already.

YOSHO:  True, true.

[ASUKA and SHAYLA suddenly stop fighting.]

SHAYLA:  Married?

ASUKA:  What?

NANAMI:  We haven't done that bit yet.  I think you've skipped a few
pages in your script.

YOSHO:  Oh, well, it doesn't matter, surely?

SHAYLA:  I'm not marrying her!  If that's what you wanted, you should
have got Fatora or Alielle, not me!

ASUKA:  I don't want Ranma!  It's his _father_ I'm interested in!
[She glomps KAJI again.]

KAJI [half-throttled]:  You know ... Tendo ... this all might be ... a
big ... mistake ...

YOSHO:  Oh, I don't know.  It seems to be going rather well, I thought.

PEN-PEN [wandering out of the house]:  Arrk.

TENCHI [from the bushes]:  Can we change back now?  I've got to get
out of these wet clothes.

BELLDANDY:  Oh, my.


[END OF PART ONE]


Based on Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, El Hazard, Oh! My Goddess, Neon Genesis
Evangelion and Ghost in the Shell, created and copyright by a whole lot
of people, none of whom are me, and used without permission.  Richard
Lawson defamed by permission of Richard Lawson.  Angus MacSpon appears
by permission of Mrs MacSpon.

Note:
I do have character mappings for most of the cast worked out.  But I'd be
very interested to hear any suggestions from anyone about who should play
whom...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                                Allen Gainsford
http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/