The following is, of course, my opinion.

Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.
Slayers is owned by whoever created it.

Too lazy to look this info up on the web? There's only about a thousand or
so Slayers pages out there...

Note: This isn't a crossover or a fusion. I'm only using the Slayers'
magic system and the Lina Inverse character. Even then, her situation
and personality are different from the Slayers series.

In other words, it's not Lina Inverse. Gotcha.

"   " spoken
'   ' thoughts, written messages, words with other sarcastic meaning
*   * emphasis

You left out...

::    ::  anything else I, the author, think you, the reader, are too
stupid to figure out for yourself

    ***Flashback***

Points taken off for tacky neon Flashback sign. Really, you think we're too
stupid to tell a flashback's coming up without you spelling it out for us?

    Akane and Ranma were silently walking to school, the latter on the
street for once. It had been a normal morning, with the usual argument
about Akane and food at breakfast. They were purposefully avoiding to
look at each other, which caused Ranma to fail to notice the approaching

"avoiding to look" is an inappropriate phrase.

'They were purposefully avoiding looking at each other,'

is the correct way to express this, although it is still clunky.

The rest of the sentence is equally clunky. I would rewrite the entire
sentence as follows:

"They were avoiding each others' gaze deliberately; therefore, Ranma failed
to notice the approaching girl."

    "Ranchan! I heard Akane tried to poison you this morning, so I
brought you some okonomiyaki!" From her tangled left arm, she lifted a

Okay, you get a few bonus points for actually being able to *spell*
okonomiyaki. It still doesn't make up for the flashback marker, but your
grade won't be nearly as bad at the end as it would be otherwise...

    Any attempt to say something, to stop Akane from getting more angry
or not, was cut short as he was suddenly flattened on the ground by a
bicycle. "Ayah! Husband okay? Shampoo bring food! Shampoo hear kitchen

That should be 'Aiyah', and usually, the next sentence following that would
be something like 'Ranma, is you alright?' or 'Airen, is you alright?'
(This is a nitpick, so take it as you will...)

    ***End Flashback***

And, of course, since we, the readers, are too stupid to know a flashback
is coming, we're too stupid to know it's ended as well, right?

    Akane sniffed as she remembered that moment, and hundreds similar,
where she just hadn't listened to Ranma. Her attitude had made his life
only that more complicated, and much more difficult to bear. She
couldn't help feel a little guilty for Ranma's ultimate decision. 'It's
not my fault!' His voice, pleading and asking for forgiveness, echoed in
her head. "Ranma..."

This is an excellent paragraph. Nice display of Akane's emotions.

    She looked up at the cliff, at the spot from where Ranma had

from which

    "Ranma!" Akane snapped out of her apparent reverie and looked
towards the sound. On the waterfall's left, at the forest's edge, was a
small woman, dressed in pink pants and pink T-shirt, the latter barely
going down her hips to end in a dress-like manner, small white bands at
the bottom and sleeve ends with a yellow band over her breasts. She had
long flowing red hair, beginning to curl at the ends, going down to her
large black belt. She was waving, apparently to the man up the cliff.

Okay then! Now we've got the Lina who isn't Lina...

    "Of course. It just was the quickest way to get to you." There
was a pause, then a shout of, "Ray Wing!" Akane was beginning to be
seriously puzzled. Where was that voice coming from? It sounded like
Ranma, so it must be her ears tricking her. It had to be.

Okay, you're overdoing it just a *bit* here. This isn't Akane from The
Bitter End...she should be mournful, in denial, and hoping to find out
Ranma is still alive after all. Not experiencing mental babble.

    "Practice? Ranma, you shouldn't even be able to cast that
spell! It's only been two weeks since you began studying magic!"
Akane was shocked, completely still, as her mind began to draw some
unpleasant conclusions "Well, what can I tell you? I'm the best at
whatever I do." The two laughed as they picked themselves up and
disappeared in the forest, hand in hand.

    Akane shook herself away as the final conclusion came to her. Ranma
was alive, and he was the man she had just seen walk away. Putting aside
the other considerations for later, she got up and ran in the direction
of the couple, passing the waterfall in no time, going down the small
trail rounding the cliff.

Bout TIME she reacted properly...

    It felt like an eternity, but she eventually cleared the forest, to
find herself in front of a large field separating her from a small town.
The two couldn't be seen anywhere. She stood there, letting the wind
play with her hair. 'Did I imagine the whole thing? Am I worse than I
thought?' She calmly walked back to the waterfall and examined the area.

Now we're back to the mental-babble Akane again. Oy vey. Someone *please*
give this poor girl the nice candy...

    She didn't know whether to be sad or happy to find the small pools
of water there. There had definitively been a jumper. Which meant that
she hadn't imagined the whole thing. She took next to no comfort in
knowing she was still sane. She looked back down the trail, wondering
where the two were.

And why nobody was coming to give her the candy. She hates the candy.

    Two. Ranma wasn't alone. He had done this to be with another girl,
and the whole thing was obviously that girl's idea. And that girl had
meant so much to him he had just gotten rid of everyone else, even his
family, to be with her.

And of *course*, now that she's confirmed Ranma's alive and she doesn't
need the nasty candy after all, Akane automatically reverts to assuming the
worst...

    Her heart an even bigger mess than before, Akane ran to the
train station, needing to talk to someone desperately. She had
three news to say. Ranma was alive. Ranma had staged his death one

"three news"? Cleanup on aisle sucks, please. This sentence is a mess.

week in advance. Ranma had done it all for a woman.

    One week earlier...

A much nicer way to segue into a flashback.

    Still rather confused as to how she should act around that
girl, Ranma took the backpack and went to change in the darkness of
what could pass for an hallway. Not seeing what the clothes looked
like, Ranma put them on, stuffing the bag with her damp clothes and
the book she had hidden in her back. Once in the dim light of the

in her shirt...unless Ranma has suddenly become a dromedary or a marsupial,
that is...

Or unless she hid it...ugh. Nevermind, I'm not going there.

    The words worked like magic on Ranma, who regained her cheery
attitude almost immediately. "That's okay, Lina." she said with a smile
to the girl. "I guess I still have to get used to emotionally
normal girls. I'm sorry."

<hides as the churches of the various fiancees rush in to lynch the author
for this comment>

    Lina snorted, putting her hands on her hips. "What did I say?
I'm the one at fault--" She stopped as she saw the results of her
serious tone on the poor girl. She let out her breath slowly,
pinching the bridge of her nose. "You know," she said softly, "I'm
beginning to see what the others saw in you. You're very nice and
kind, but you can be so dense I could just wring your neck sometimes."
She saw the flinch those words brought and resisted the
urge to scream. She slowly took a deep breath and let it out.

Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.....................?

Hold the slaggin' phone here. I'm sorry, but Ranma is not so emotionally
damaged that he'd flinch at that. Not unless you have some *serious*
alternate-reality backstory going on here that hasn't been revealed yet.
This is just extremely OOC.

    Flailing arms would have done much better with feathers
attached to them, but since Ranma didn't have any she fell back in
the water anyway. She surfaced and spit out some water. Dragging
herself out once more, she grumbled, "Maybe we should just start
over.", wriggling the water out of her pigtail. Lina giggled.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist. It was just too tempting."

Start a new paragraph when you change speakers, please.

    Ranma sighed. "Just for fun, eh? You better not have lied to
me last week, 'cause I'm really looking forward to doing things
just for the fun of it. Martial arts are fun but my father always
make everything so serious." (2)

And Ranma pays attention to his father...when, exactly? After Jusenkyou, he
started ignoring the old turd as much as possible...or else taking him as a
joke...

    "I'm okay. It's hard to let go. It's hard to think of them as
people who didn't really care and were just using me." (3) Ranma took

...you'd better have one *hell* of an explanation for this line of
thinking...

    Ranma raised an eyebrow and calmly wrote back. 'She is- was
the main source of my suffering. Whatever feeling I had for her I
lost awhile ago. Frankly, a little part of me is happy that I'm
finally hurting her back.' (4) Lina was surprised at this. While it was

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

NO.

Ranma can be rude and self-absorbed, but he's never this cold-blooded.

(1) Weird for Ranma? Considering he was always beaten to a pulp right
after a girl had raised her voice at him, I think not. Psychological
trauma doesn't discriminate its victims. And since Ranma doesn't want
the association to continue with Lina, he tends to shy away from a rise
in her voice. More will be explained later in the fic.

Semi-plausible explanation for this OOC behavior, but...

(2) Honestly, IMHO, I don't believe Ranma ever did anything just for the
fun of it. Sure, he took pleasure in his actions sometimes, but they all
had a more serious reason behind it. Like I said, it's my opinion, so
you don't have to agree.

I'll take this opportunity to disagree, then.

(3) Sounds like brainwash, you say? Hmm... (innocently) I wasn't aware
there was mind-manipulating magic in Slayers... (shrugs) Doesn't really
matter, anyway. It's not brainwash, only a strongly biased opinion. Yet.

Looks more like a completely OOC way of justifying this mess, to me...

(4) Doesn't sound like Ranma? Read note 3.

Don't care. Ranma's still far too OOC here.

(5) That one goes out to those who thought my little note at the end of
my prologue was for nothing. (author does raspberry)

...and that's about as far as *I'm* willing to read...

    Author's Notes:
    I don't have much to say this time. I hope you like the fic, and
any C&C is appreciated, to be sent at ranma_666@hotmail.com. I'd like to
thank my pre-reader, Adiaze, for giving me a few good ideas to
supplement this fic with. I will consider extensive flames as written
permission to write and post your death in gruesome detail. I have a
very vivid imagination. You have been warned, and I do not make light
threats.

That's funny, because I feel compelled to make light of your threats...

(Oh, and you might want to read the FFML FAQ before you write any gruesome
author deaths...you run the risk of getting tempbanned for that...)

Okay, I'll sum it up briefly...

-Ranma is completely OOC.

-The plot leaves much to be desired.

-Your writing style has a few flaws, but is on the whole fairly decent.

-Ranma is completely OOC.

-There's no real justification for Ranma's OOCness in this fic.

-Too many author biases are showing through in this fic. Particularly in
the footnotes.

-Did I mention Ranma's very OOC here?


That pretty much covers it.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"World War II was caused by Nasty Germany."
--excerpt from a ten-year-old's history paper

******

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I broke wind
Flames now consume my buttocks

******

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