Darkness gave way to a pale orange fireball.

Heh.  One of my writing tips that no one's ever asked for is take make
sure your stories start quickly and "hook" the reader into the rest of
the fic.  This is certainly one way of doing it.  :)

Akiko Mishima, President of the mighty Mishima Heavy
Industries corporation paused,

Actually, her name is Akiko Natsume.  She still has her husband's
name.  They are still married.  Unless you're changing the background
story to include a divorce, which is perfectly acceptable.

I will expect results within 72 hours."

Standard practice on this is a bit fuzzy.  Some say all numbers under
a hundred should be spelled out, some say only numbers under twenty.
I myself subscribe to the former school, so just to let you know:  I
think this should be "seventy-two hours".

     Arisa closed the doors and turned to Kyouko, fuming.
"Attacking a robot with superior social skills.  I have never
heard of anything more ridiculous!"

How about attacking a robot with catnip bombs?  ^_^

"Hey, Kyouko."  Arisa turned to the blonde, tapping her
on the shoulder with impatience.  "Are you alright?"

all right

Kyouko looked blankly at her partner for a moment, her
thoughts Obviously very distant.

obviously

"I'll be right back, Arisa," Kyouko giggled as she re-
entered the office of Akiko Mishima waving the papers
she clutched.

I don't think you need to give her full name again.  I'd just say,
"entered Akiko's office..."

"What?!?

Don't use multiple punctuation marks.  Even "?!" is grammatically
indefensible.  "What!" will get the point across just fine.

"Ha!  I'll be able to afford a new jacket with the bonus
that we. I mean that I will earn from this mission!"

I think it works better as, "with the bonues that we- I mean, that I
will..."

'I just don't understand what has got into Kyouko's
head', she thought.

Any reason this is in single quotes?  Early you has her thinking in
double quotes.  I'd stay with double quotes for consistency's sake.

"Could it be that she is seeing someone?" Arisa asked
aloud in the empty room.

Arisa's doing a lot of out-loud talking.  People rarely do these kind
of monologues for no audience.  I'd change this all to a simple
introspective passage, along the lines of:

Could she be seeing someone?  Arisa thought that over.  Kyouko'd
bought a new dress a few days ago.  And she'd missed _Usagi Yojimbo_
two nights ago.

And so on.

Then again, I'm known for my penchant of writing long, introspective
passages.  And that's not always a good thing.  :)

They'd watched the American written anime of the
adventures of the wandering samurai rabbit since the
series had premiered a year ago.  Every Tuesday was
their 'Bunny with Dashio' night!

This seems unnecessarily expository.  No need to go into *this* much
detail, IMO.

     In a low voice she said "Maybe she has a boyfriend?"

     She slapped the clip into the pistol, holstering it.
"No.  That's impossible.  Neither of us are that lucky."

Hehehehe.  This is quite consistent with how they're portrayed in the
OAV's.  Hard to understand, though; I could think of many fanboys
who'd want to jump all over gun-toting obsessive attractive women like
them.  :)

Arisa smiled cruelly.  "I'll show them!  I'll show
them all!!

Again with the multiple puncuation marks.  One exclamation point is
sufficient.

     "Gomenasai!" yelped the blonde.

Hmm.  Okay, well, this is definitely one of my personal nitpicks, so
feel free to ignore it.  But I think the use of Japanese phrases like
this is completely unnecessary.  It doesn't really add anything to the
story, and you risk alienating your audience by using phrases they are
unfamiliar with.  Granted, anyone who become exposed to anime will
pick up a few common phrases like "gomen nasai".  Still, I think it's
a bad habit to get in to.  Look at it this way: you're "translating"
99% of the dialogue for a Western audience; why not make it 100%?

In Arisa's opinion her plan for what she dubbed
'Operation: Debutante' began as a rousing success.
 She had ample short, medium and long range weapons,
grenades, a pair of claymore mines and the best-selling
Mishima Heavy Industries' "Duct Blind" urban sniper
nest.  With these weapons, a map of the school complex
and a timetable of classes that the Android NK-1124
attended, she began to plan her mission.

Hehehehe.  I liked this paragraph for some reason.  A nice contrast
between the name and the apparent execution of the plan.  :)

After circling where she would set up on the roof of the
Elementary School she gathered her supplies and left to
find a bus that would take her.

Take her where?

     Arisa pushed her sunglasses up to cover her eye's

eyes

"Oh, but it's not a weapon!  It's a, er. Plant stand!"

"But it says 'Danger: Laser'."

Hehehehehehe.

I'm going to measure the distance from her to...

here

     "Some of them have... Hello Kitty???  What in the hell?"

Again, one question mark will suffice.

Then from behind her she heard a pair of feet dropping to
the roof.  Arisa pivoted around with the Laser cannon until
a smiling girl with crimson hair swung into her sights.

Oopsie.   :)

 Nuku Nuku ignored her.  Walking to the edge of the roof,
hand over her Mouth,

mouth

"Well, of course I was holding it.... Whaa???"

Again, only one is necessary.

Luckily his self-preservation instincts, honed by two years
of living with his Dad and Nuku Nuku, had kicked in.

This should either be "with his dad" or "with Dad".

"Hold still so I can kill you!"

"Arisa, you sound like Eimi-chan when she comes over to
play!"

Hehehehe.  You've got Nuku Nuku down perfectly.

"How have I gotten myself into this situation?  Lady
Akiko would not approve."

You're wavering back and forth between "Lady Akiko" and "Akiko-sama".
I'd pick one and stay with it.

End of Part one.

Well, I like it so far.  You've got an excellent grasp on the
characterization, and the writing is quite good, with the quibbles
noted above.  I think you rely too much on your characters speaking
their thoughts out loud; I'd suggest turning more of that into
introspection.

Hard to get a feel for the plot, which actually gets barely started
here.  I think I like how it's going so far, but I'll need to see more
to be able to judge.

All in all, a very good start.  You have very promising writing
skills, IMO.  I look forward to more of this.

-Richard