Some C&C:

I'm glad to see this fic is progressing.  You mention (at the end
of the post) that this is the slowest part, but I can't say I really
noticed.

"The flight deck of the Damocles is a little unorthodox," the Captain

The intro is a little abrupt.  I felt disoriented for the first
few paragraphs.  Might I suggest interspersing a description of the
stage with the Captain's speech?

informed the assembled pilots evenly. "The design team wanted to find a
way to increase launch speed while maintaining safety and structural
integrity. To do this they came up with what you see now:" he gestured
back towards the numerous platforms that were lifting off the floor on
long metal arms that had been hidden below the deck paneling. 
"From there the plane is loaded into one of the launcher modules,
allowing three launches at once. The whole compliment of fighters can be
space borne in less than a minute from Combat Alert. The down side is
this: Once we start launching fighters we can't stop until all of them
are out and the capture equipment is prepared."

Sounds like a Washu invention. ^_^  I have a bit of a hard time
visualizing what you're describing here, and it looks like you're
planning to use the launch system as a plot device later on.  If
so, I'd (respectfully) recommend going into more detail, either
now or later in the story.

Jonah turned around to motion for one of the technicians to bring him
something. Naomi ran over and handed him a stack of papers, pausing to
wave to Dan before she left. It earned Dan a couple of slaps on the
back.
"These are your flight assignments. Today is going to be familiarization
with the equipment day. Until Lt. Fisher here gets his section in order

Maybe "familiarization-with-the-equipment day"?  Is there a military
term for this, "play day" or something along those lines?

Also, watch out for the abbreviations (sp?) like Lt.  They're handy
but seem out of place in formal writing.

"Lt. Fisher, this is Lt. Wesley C. Winters. He's the Tac Com first shift
officer."

Again with abbreviations and slang terms.  To be perfectly honest,
I'm not exactly sure what Tac Com means.  If you give the full name
of the abbreviation within a paragraph or two of "Tac Com," I
should be able to piece it together.  For instance:

"Out of the corner of Jonah's eye he saw his first shift
Tactical Communications [or whatever] officer."
...
...He's the Tac Com first shift officer."

And now I know what you mean!

"I actually run a translation house for manga and anime. My dad started

-_-;

"That's my dad to a 'T.'"

Off topic, I wonder if there's an equivalent Japanese expression...

1st Lt. Daniel Fisher, Flight Group Commander, Shrike Flight, groaned

And once again, those abbreviations (have I pounded this topic into
the ground yet?)  I humbly recommend spelling out "1st".

"I'm sorry you got knocked out of the service access. I had no idea you
were looking in at the work I just finished."

The problem with exposition is that it's hard to tell how much to do
in dialogue and how much to just state outright.  In this case, the
dialogue seems artificial, since presumably both parties are aware
that Dan did in fact get knocked out of the service access, and at
this point they clearly know he was looking in at her work.

About all that's left to say is the apology.  Unless you're writing
a radio play or a really bad romance novel (most of them, IMHO),
your characters shouldn't state the painfully obvious.  If the reader
is the only one left in the dark, state it in your own words instead
of turning the characters into puppets.

Perhaps:

"
Beside him, Yeoman Naomi Richards held a towel and a pair of moist
towelettes out to the beleaguered young man. She stood nervously 
waiting for the lieutenant.  "S- Sorry, sir!"

"It was my fault."  Dan winced in pain as his jaw creaked.  It was
certainly the first he he'd been attacked while peering into a
service access.  "I shouldn't have... etc.
"

"Lt. Fisher!" Winters said as he stiffly walked over to Shrike 1.
"First day jitters?" he said calmly.

This doesn't quite jibe.  It seems strange that Winters is stiff one
moment and calm the next.  Perhaps "stiffly" is too strong an adverb,
or maybe you could ditch the adverb altogether and use a stronger verb
than "walked".

"You always did like to improvise. I remember when it got you into a
great deal of trouble once, at a bar in Rock City."

Again, I have a feeling they remember the incident, whatever it was,
quite vividly.  A flashback or reminiscence at this point might be a
fun way to get the point across, and deepen the characters at the
same time.

...

I hope you don't mind me making this a public C&C (flame me if you do);
<self-deprecating>I'm just showing off everything I
know</self-deprecrating>.  Really, though, I like this story, it just
needs a bit of spit and polish. ^_^


-- Craig Putnam
Sailor Singularity

I am the Black Rose, the dead star with a heavy heart
that consumes all it surveys.
I am Singularity