Well I said I would get this done and out before the end of the week
and
I did it! Sorry this took so long in coming.
Better if you took your time to make it right. Is that how you feel?
Because it don't work until you think it do.
C+C, MST welcome flames
if neccesary but be warned I am sensitive, so please don't be to harsh.
Title grabbed me, though I am unfamiliar with the series.
Ukyou's Revenge
Ukyou Kuonji grumbled as she went about the business of cooking
up an order of Okonomiyaki for her latest customer. It had been days
since that Nabiki Tendo had pulled one over on her. Three days, two
hours, and 38 minutes since Nabiki Tendo made a fool out of her! Three
days, two hours, and 39 minutes since she had to go for three hours
trying to keep her bladder from exploding. Flipping the completed
Okay, while I have an idea why she's so mad, that doesn't explain
anything about what happened to newcomers like me. I mean, for all I
know Nabiki fed her a diahretic.
order to her customer, she set about scraping her grill with a little
more force than needed. [Screeeeeee! Screeeeee!] Some of the regulars
just stared at her and slowly edged away.
Might want to have put this as a new paragraph, after Ukyo finished
her thoughts.
"Alright you guys, cut it out!" The sound of the hated woman's
voice brought Ukyou out of her funk. Looking out her window, she saw
Nabiki leading the enchanted children down the street. They were
connected to her by one of those child leases, it seems she wasn't
going
to take any chances with their behavior.
Semicolon instead of comma after leases. Which in turn should be
'leashes.'
"Hmm, I wonder what she's up to?" Ukyou mumbled to herself.
Leaving the handling of the business to Konatsu, Ukyou discretely
followed the group until she came upon a garden, where the children
were
organizing it under the watchful eye of Nabiki Tendo. They stayed
there
for about an hour before returning to the dojo.
Going back to the garden, Ukyou looked for someone to get info
Um, isn't she already at the garden?
from. Seeing an old lady she walked up and posed her questions.
"Excuse me." She inquired, the old woman gave Ukyou a kind
Lowercase 's' in 'She,' comma after 'me,' period after 'inquired,' and
capitalize 'the' would make this look a lot less awkward.
smile upon finding herself being addressed.
"Yes? What can I do for you deary?"
"Yes, was that Nabiki Tendo here earlier?" Ukyou patiently asked
the old woman, getting her revenge against Nabiki Tendo would take
Start a new sentence after 'old woman.'
patience. She could easily beat the tar out of her, while that
Probably want a new sentence after 'beat the tar out of her.'
would
be satisfying for the moment, OK she would love to beat the tar out of
Okay, this seems awkward, too.
her. The problem was, one she wouldn't be welcome in the Tendo home
any
longer, at least less welcome than she usually was. Two it would
Comma after 'at least' and 'Two.'
only
last for the moment where as revenge could last a life time, not that
Comma after 'moment.' Might want a new sentence after 'life time.'
Incidentally, I think the word is 'lifetime.'
she would.
"Oh yes, the Tendo girl," The woman's smile drooped a little.
"She �volunteered' to have her charges �help' with the garden. For a
fee of course. Still the children seemed to like helping out." This
Comma after 'fee' and 'Still.'
statement brought a look of recollection on the old woman's face, as if
she was remembering her own children or grandchildren.
"She's helping huh?" A plan began forming in the back of
Ukyou's mind. She would have her revenge, oh yes, she would indeed.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The old woman quietly edged away from the derange
sounding Chef.
Start a new paragraph with the laugh and with the old woman backing
away.
"Alright you little bundles of energy, that's enough!" Nabiki
Tendo, financial wizard (at least in her own eyes) extrodinare, and at
the moment supervisor (i.e. babysitter) of the most powerful group of
six year Olds, the world have ever seen. Making sure that they were
not
Make 'Olds' lowercase.
going to destroy any buildings nearby, she returned her attention to
man
she was talking to.
"What about marketing? If they take off as well as I think they
will, that will be a major cash flow." Nabiki inquired to man in a
business suit, busily typing away on a portable computer, entering
figures. He have had dealings with Ms. Tendo before, and he would have
to agree this would make them a fortune.
This paragraph reads like an outline. We get no real sense of this
other man, other than the fact that he could very well be Bill Gates
incognito.
Ucchan's Okonomiyaki: Ukyou Kuonji sole owner and Okonomiyaki
Comma after 'Kuonji,' and you should qualify the 'sole owner' part
better. Lowercase 'okonomiyaki.'
chef supreme, (Why else would she be in such a restaurant?) Was
Lowercase 'Was.' The statement in parentheses seems out of place, and
unnecessary.
whistling a merry tune as she whip up a special batch of batter for a
'Whipped' instead of 'whip.'
very special group.
"Ukyou-sama!?" Konatsu's strained voice, came from the back of
the restaurant. The ninja cross-dresser, struggled under the weight of
an extremely large bag of sugar. "Ukyou-sama, are you certain you
You want to qualify the sentence starting with 'The ninja
cross-dresser' to something.
require this much sugar for your new recipe?"
"Positive Sugar," She frowned at the bad pun she made, but
Comma after 'Positive,' period after 'Sugar.'
continued on. "What are little kids known for?" She asked her
Lowercase 'She.'
dedicated
employee.
"Known for?" the ninja/waiter inquired, as a look of
concentration formed on his face. The only experience he had with
children was none what so ever. You do not get much chance to work
'What so ever' is one word.
with
children when you are raised to be a ninja. The only information he
could use was what he learned working at the Ucchan's. "Making noise
and be messy?"
May want a new paragraph for "Making noise...."
"Exactly." The maniac grin returned to Ukyou's face. Vengeance
would be sweet indeed.
Ah, bad pun!!!
The Tendo Dojo: The Time when all good little six year old
martial artists should be in bed.
Umm, so when should that be?
Soun Tendo exited the furo, for once completely relaxed. It had
been a stressing week so far, what with the rejuvenation of his
daughter
and her betrothed (Not to mention every other ultra-powerful martial
artist teenager in the area). Wrapping a towel around his waist he
Two things: I believe Japanese don't walk out of the furo with a towel
around their waists like they do in showers over here. Two, just what
qualifies as 'every other ultra-powerful martial artist teenager in the
area?'
opened the door that led to the hall. Taking a deep breath, yes
everything would be going up hill from now on.
Might want to reword this to better exemplefy as Soun's thought.
"NO!" Ranma-chan screamed as she raced down the hall completely
naked. "No, no, no, no, I don't want ta!" Behind her two equally small
little girls came running after her. Both wearing clothes to big for
'Wore' instead of 'wearing.' 'Too' instead of 'to.'
them with make-up caked on their faces.
Stepping back and closing the door, Soun removed his towel and
re-entered the furo.
"Come on Ranma!" Little Akane called after the fleeing girl.
"We're playing dress up and you have to wear these." Trying to thrust
some clothing that she raided from the closet at the fleeing figure.
This last sentence is awkward. No qualifier.
""Ranma! You girl now, you dress like one," Little Shampoo added
in.
The trio raced out the hall threw the dining area, and into
'Through' instead of 'threw.'
the
yard. Little Mousse and Ryouga watched from the dojo, better Ranma
than
them.
Start new sentence at 'better.'
At this point, I grew tired of sentence-to-sentence. So major points
only.
This was echoed by the remaining children. Surprisingly
Tatewaki was present among them.
So I'm guessing that the kids are Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, Ryoga,
Mousse, and Kuno?
"Don't worry about Sugar," she gave him a big toothed grin.
"It's in the past, I don't blame you. I blame your mercenary, soulless
bitch of a daughter."
That last sentence probably should be the start of a new paragraph.
The way it stands, it sounds very much that Ukyo is telling this in
Soun's face.
the last part she muttered under her breath,
scowling briefly. Her smile returned quickly enough, so that Soun did
not really noticed it.
They were soon seated at a booth, they did not even get a
chance to look at the menu before five plates topped with Ukyou's new
special dish, topped with whipped cream.
IIRC, Ucchan's doesn't have any booths.
"A special treat from Ukyou-sama," Konatsu informed Mr. Tendo.
Soun's order was taken, and a few minutes later Konatsu came back with
beverages.
Okay, now this sounds like a Carrow's, not an okonomiyaki stand.
"That's great Mr. Tendo," Ukyou smiled a very fake smile at him.
"I hope everything works out great for you." All the while have her
fingers crossed behind her back.
The crossed fingers seems quite out of the flow for me. I mean, that
only exists so that people don't need to think to get them to understand
that said character was lying. I mean, did you ever have to see crossed
fingers in, say, Transformers, when Starscream was lying through his
teeth? Do we need to be spoon-fed that Ukyo isn't meaning what she's
saying?
Unbeknownst to everyone involved, the cameras were running
through the whole thing.
Blackmail?
Twirling in a circle, she gave a merry laugh and skipped on the
way home. Revenge was oh so sweet.
Revenge is also a dish best served cold.
My Thoughts:
Besides the fact that it took way too long to figure out who the kids
were, and the fact that it took way too long to figure out what Nabiki
did to Ukyo to get her so mad (I am saying this because I might have
known if I read an earlier story), Ukyo seems... well, off-the-wall (it
might be because I can't think of her relishing in someone else's
misfortunes; that's something Shampoo does). Although, I must admit, the
plan for revenge was quite subtle, and easy to eliminate blame for
(read: something intelligent, even if it was a bit cruel).
Also, if Tatewaki is living with the Tendos, where's Kodachi?
(probably beyond the scope of the story, but still, that's a burning
question that popped up). For that matter, how about Cologne and Akari?
(also, probably beyond the scope of this story.)
----------------------------------------------------------
"Dinobot has spoken. My rigid grill structure... what's next?"--Scott
McNeil, voice of Dinobot
"Unwilling though I was to follow my namesake's instructions, it has all
come down to this: the ultimate risk, for the ultimate prize! A Day of
Reckoning, for those who made us SLAVES!"-- Megatron
"Decepticons FOREVER!!" --Ravage, former Decepticon
"You've gotten tricker since last time. I LIKE THAT!!"--Rampage
"If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die." --Kosh, Babylon 5
"Master! You mustn't! People are watching!!"--Cherry, Saber Marionette J
--Razorclaw X
Author: "Wheel of Fire" and "The World's Worst Ranma Fanfic!"
Awaiting public apology from FFML owner since 12/18/99
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