Maddocks wrote:

       I hope you like my fic. I hope you read it and give me feedback.
SOME of the basis of this story is copyright of Atlus entertainment.
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                                                           Part: 2
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                                                    And so it
begins......

   The vamperic man in the blue jeans and black te-shirt licks the human

"tee-shirt", "licked"

blood of his arms. He was not a violent person, no not at all. He did

"off"

what he had to survive. He looked around. The streets lay down below and
most of the buildings. The cliff he was on was not very sturdy but i

Cliff?  They have cliffs inside the arcologies?  

twould hold, at least for a while. No one was up here and he hoped no

"it would"

one would. It had been awhile since he had been outside. About two

Would what?  Think to look for him there?

years, two long years. The bastard locked him up for defying his orders.

Damn the day he went out excavating on that day over two years ago. He

Don't repeat the same word in a sentence.  Delete "on that day".

helped Dr. Kelkar. He once helped Dr. Kelkar excavate the book of life.
The man read it over a hundred of time, he could probably recite it word

"a hundred times"

from word. The dear doctor headed up project B.A.D. and I was his
assistant, what a mistake.
    He remembered to well the day that happened. It was 230 degrees

"too well"

Celsius. No water outside, they had to carry it across the desert. The
desert was originally known as Iraq before the great war. In the night
it dropped to about 220 degrees Celsius. Most of us froze in the night
and some boiled in the morning. Out temperate suits were not enough to

"Their temperature suits"

protect the fifty-six of us. But Dr. Kelkar pressed us on. We did find
the book. Only ten of us were left, only ten out of fifty.We never knew
how many from the other twenty teams of fifty-six survived?  Most people
would have run away if they saw the look on Dr. Kelkar�s face. A kind of
maniacal happiness. A feeling of demonic bliss. It sent a chill down my
spine. I thought of taking the sand hover and leave. Runaway and leave
him to die. But I let the devil live, my great mistake. Every night when
we camped he read it over. Boy, couldn�t he read fast back then! Every
time he read the book, he laughed.  I twas a laugh that would have
frozen the world.

"It was..."  Frankly I have my doubts as to whether this fellow's intelligence
has been improved.  

    When we returned four months after we left only five of us were
left. The other three

Don't switch persons.  You started in third person, so you continue 
that way.  

disappeared, and I did as far as anyone was concerned. He did his
experiments on them all. One ofthem had his blood frozen while he was

"of them"

alive. He died a frozen, lonely death. On the others he used various
biological agents on the other ones. The screams could only be heard by
me. The walls were at least ten feet thick, and made of sound dampening
material. The doctor came by very day saying that he would not do that
to me. His exact words were. �You are too important.You will start the

Sentence fragment.  You should use a comma after "were".

salvation.� So then about a year later he injected me with a chemical.

And made me into this monster! He claimed it was a �gift.� But it�s more
of a curse. A long time with only bread, water and a few rare
vegetables. 

And regular transfusions...

Being taunted and laughed at by the guards for a longtime.

It was no surprise he killed the guards like that. The worst thing was
he had no remorse.Maybe he was not the same man he was over a year ago
in more ways then he thought. But that was not important, revenge was.
    He felt his long blood red hair. It went down to his legs, almost
making him look like a girl. Never liked long hair, no never did. But he
was not himself. The person he is now is a monster, a monster of
revenge. Looking through the green, �stain glass like,� dome. The green

Looking through the dome...what?  Perhaps, "Looking up through the dome,
coloured green like stained glass, he could see the moon, it's true
colour concealed."

distorted the true colour of the moon. But he had seen the moon and
mankind�s former glory.
    He heard the sound of footsteps and decided to leave. The image of
himself distorted and disappeared into the shadows. A voice trailed off

What image of himself would that be?  

behind him, �I�m sure I heard something.�
    Maybe he should go to an old friend, a very old friend. I wonder if

You are switching persons again.  Stick with third person even though you
are writing from his point of view.  

she would remember Darren Makay. Yes that was his old name, Darren. Such
a long time since he was called that. Old memories, old, old, old.
Seemed much longer then two years. I wonder if she still lives at the
old place? Well I have to get somewhere to sleep before sun up. He then
vanished, looking for a place to sleep away the terrible light which he
once loved.
                                                The end of part: 2