Jerico wrote:
<snip>
"Like screaming in a vacuum," Smith said bitterly, the grin on his face
dying.
Screaming in a Vacuum
A Robotech fanfic
Question: Is the name of your fanfic "Breathing in a Vacuum," as the
subject of your post suggests, or is it "Screaming in a Vacuum," as you
have just written above?
A Year Before:
Not the most subtle introduction of a flashback sequence...
Two red lines were drawn on his HUD, linking his target to the
representations of the main chaingun housed in the fuselage of his
craft. His thumb twitched on the HOTAS, sending a stream of tracers
across the black vacuum and directly into the 'pod. The depleted uranium
rounds drilled into the hull, splitting the ovoid central volume down
the middle.
"Got one, Sakura-san," Dan reported to his wing- person. "Three
scratched here, how about you?"
try wingmate here instead of "wing-person." "Wing-person" sounds like
you're trying too hard to be politically correct.
"Still watching your ass, Dan-chan," Sakura reported from her pod next
to his. "They've really improved the feedback on these things, haven't
they?"
"A battle armor flight is approaching Volume 121. Tiger Flight, you're
up," came the throaty voice of Patricia across the Tac Com channel.
"Quit flirting and intercept. Bearing 131 mark 32, Earth-relative."
"Roger," changing his direction until he was matching the red vector
bar in the middle of his HUD. "Sakura-san, you with me?"
"Boosting," she reported.
Seperate these two paragraphs a bit more to actually distinguish a scene
change.
Dan stepped out of the shower, exhausted from the day's exercises. The
daily simulator runs, physical exercise and tactical seminars were all
taking a gradual toll on the young pilot's reserves, which had seemed
inexhaustible only a few month before.
When I was on the front, Dan thought as he grabbed a clean Lieutenant's
uniform from his locker. Onboard the Vendetta there was little in the
way of real fighting. After a six week tour of duty in the belt,
cleaning out Zendtradi hardliners, Vendetta was a pleasant way to pass
the rest of his active tour. The great training ship floated around
Earth, consuming rank pilots and spitting out command personnel at a
prodigious rate.
Daniel Fisher was having none of that. He briskly stepped into his
pressed pants and pulled the dress shirt over his lanky frame while
musing his goals in attending classes onboard the Vendetta. He didn't
want to be command staff at all, he'd seen the weight of decisions that
had fallen on Lt. Genova's shoulders, and wanted none of it. He just
wanted to fly.
So he is here because...?
It seems to me that if he wanted to fly, he'd try to maneuver out of
taking this course and stay with a combat unit, wouldn't he?
Dan shrugged off his thoughts and straightened his shirt. He had a date
with Sakura-san tonight, and he wanted to think about something more,
romantic perhaps. Dan pulled his antique pocket watch from his shirt,
checking the time carefully. He had a few minutes before the shuttle
pulled in to bring him to the new Orbital Ring for dinner.
The use of 'Sakura-san' in the narrative is inappropriate. It's one
thing to refer to her as 'Sakura-san' if he's actually speaking to her,
and it's another if you the author are speaking to us through your
narrative description.
"Computer," Dan asked his room. "Ring Sakura for me?"
"Calling Sakura Misaki," the computer reported dourly.
"Hello?" Sakura answered after a ring.
"Its Dan," Dan said. "All most ready?"
"It's"
"Yeah. I'm leaving now. Meet you at lock four."
"Right. See you there."
Sakura tapped her foot against the paneling along the curving path that
made the peripheral deck of the Vendetta. Daniel was six minutes late,
she thought, and the shuttle pilot is getting ready to go without us.
She doubled the beat of her foot in frustration. He always does
You changed tense in the middle of Sakura's thought. "Daniel was / pilot
is" Pick a tense, most likely the present tense, and stick with it.
something like this, she added silently, perking up slightly every time
someone came around the corner of the hall.
"Look, I don't care what you say! The boosters increase the Valkyerie's
size way too much, even if the acceleration boost is as impressive as
the spec sheet. And we know how often that happens."
Are we refering to the Super Valkyrie here? If so, the design is old
news for this guy, combat proven and successful, so I wonder why he's
complaining about it.
"Damn it Fisher, why do you always stand against progress. You were the
same way when the SHARK-2 fire control computer was being installed."
Comma after "Damn it"
"And look at the failure rate for that overpriced piece of shit. The
R&D staff must've been sleeping to let that through prelim testing."
Sakura laughed to herself. Dan was a traditionalist when it came to his
Valkyerie. Only battle tested equipment made it onboard, and even then
only with Dan himself observing the tech who installed it. Tiger 2 was
one of the best maintained Valkyerie's in the entire EDF, thanks in most
"Valkyries"
By your use of EDF, I see you are using the Jack McKinney continuity,
and if so, can we expect to see tensions between Southern Cross and RDF
personnel?
<snip>
Indeed, she had left her own dress uniform hanging in her quarters and
bought an expensive black dress and shoes to match. It had felt good to
actually go and be feminine for once, instead of sharing in the
predominantly masculine environment of fighter jocks. In the years since
the Gulf war, the limitations on women in the military had been slowly
"Gulf War"
<snip>
"Dagger Squadron," Sakura pointed out as Dan craned his head across her
seat trying to pick out the insignia. "Operating off the Destiny and
Enigma."
A squadron operating off of two ships at once?
<snip>
The Paradesio was a beautiful restaurant, nestled in the internal ring
of the station in the high class commercial region of the civilian
section. The curving sides of the ring were covered with buildings and
construction sites, liberally sprinkled with small green parks or open
areas to break up the pattern. The builders had learned the lessons from
Macross City and paid great attention to the details typically left out
of habitat building.
Neither Dan nor Sakura had seen the inside of Macross City, the SDF-1
"...the SDF-1 being..."
long dead by the time they had grown into adults. The SDF-3 had left
shortly after Dan's graduation from the Academy, and his knowledge of it
was mostly second hand. But they had both seen the inside of military
vessels where people were packed in so tightly that the small streets
and modest landscape of the Orbital Ring were entirely suitable
alternatives.
Dan followed Sakura to their table, right along the front window of the
first floor. As the two of them ordered drinks, Dan glanced out the
window, nervously watching as people glanced at the couple eating.
"I feel like I'm on display," he muttered as Sakura selected the wine.
"You are. And if you're lucky they'll start a bidding war so we can
make our money back on this meal."
"But the military pays us a top notch salary." Daniel said, on queue.
"I thought we could eat out like this every night?"
I did pretty well in this regard myself, thank you, and that was as a
mid-level enlisted. These two are officers drawing flight pay and
probably some other form of hazard pay because they are stationed in
space.
The two of them shared a grin, especially since the joke had been
fleshed out so many times in the locker room, launch pad or cockpit.
Sakura glanced down at the menu as Dan turned to look at her.
"What are we going to do after our tour of duty?" he asked her, almost
timidly.
"I was thinking-"
Her response was lost in the sudden loud clang that filled the entire
habitat. Everyone stopped and looked around for the source of the noise.
Everyone but Dan and Sakura. They had both heard the sound before,
during the scariest fight in the belt. It was sound of a ship killer
missile hitting the hull of the habitat.
"Lets go!" Dan yelled as he got out of his seat.
"Go where?" Sakura wondered as she followed Dan as he ran out of the
restaurant.
Author's Drivel-
I'm playing fast and loose with the timeline here since its been a long
time since I've seen the series (not including Macross Plus). I'm also a
bit hazy on the organizations, so feel free to correct me on both
counts.
If you're sticking with Robotech, then forget Macross Plus. Totally
different timeline, and the SDF-1/Macross still exists and is
operational.
You weren't kidding about fast and loose. We're barely into a
potentially good character development scene before you start the action
again. I'd recommend paying a bit more attention to developing the
characters first, since they are original characters and we as readers
have nothing to connect with them yet.
Jamie
--
"Why are they wearing bras?"
-Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty
*ahem* Lovely Angels...
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