"What's with that diesel dyke?" Ranma asked himself as 
he gazed at his
reflection.

<snort><choke>  Heh heh <cough>...  Don't do that to me while I'm drinking a
Pepsi!  Now I gotta clean off the monitor...
 

	"And I've gotta race with her?" he asked his 
reflection. Heaving an
irratible sigh, Ranma shrugged out of his pilot suit. He 
wasn't in the mood

irritable

for a bath at the moment, preferring to take one in the 
morning. In his
boxers, he strode over to a nearby wall. On the wall was a 
ten-by-ten inch
panel, which slid open when Ranma pressed a white button 
above it. Dumping

This is just my personal preference here, but is it really necessary to
detail the panel?  IMO, it's far more entertaining when someone leaves the
details for new technology in a story up to my imagination.  A good example
would be the 'projectors' in E.E. "Doc" Smith's Lensman series - he never
details them, instead describing their effects and letting the reader draw
his/her own picture about what they look like.

Just a thought.

	His wallet was rather thin, having little to no money 
in it at any given
time. All he ever had was his ID, which doubled as his 

HEY!  Ranma's got MY wallet!  ;)

pilot's license, and
a picture.

	Collapsing on the bed, Ranma opened the wallet, taking 
out the one thing in
it that held any significance for him.

	She was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever 
known. The picture
captured that nicely. Her red hair was done in the same 
pig-tail style as
his. The deep blue eyes could, and in some cases did, entrap a man
hopelessly. The pilot suit, done in the same style as his, 
hugged her curves
in a way that turned most men into jelly.

	A lone tear ran down his cheek as the memories flooded 
his mind. She was so
healthy, so vibrant. A few hours later, she was dead. It all 
came back so
vivdly... The flames, the sound.... Ranma violently pushed 
the memories out
of his head. That was in the past. Ranko was dead, and 
nothing could change it.

<sniff> That's gotta hurt.

	Nabiki chalked up another victory. The whole purpose of 
calling her younger
sister in was to get across the point that she had to at 
least be civil to
Ranma. "Akane, you can hate his damn guts for all I care, just try to

I don't think Nabiki would really swear here (even if it is rather mild ;).
She's always seemed more in control than that, reserving cursing for
intolerable situations.

	"Ranma, who designed this Moto?" 

Doctor Raven.

Oh, wrong series.  Sorry. ;)

	Kasumi had his Moto on the stand, access port open. She 
wore her standard
mechanic's garb, on her knees and peering into the guts of 

                  ^
and was

the machine. 

	The Moto had been re-painted in the team's colors, with 
the logo on the
front. A logo had also been emblazoned on the back of his 

Need to specify who 'his' refers to.  The last person you referred to was
Kasumi, and I don't think she qualifies as a 'his', hmm? ;)

before the second World War." The Sakae 900 horsepower 
engine, in fact, is
what powered the infamous Japanese Zero-sen fighter during 
the battles in
the Pacific.

Is this part important?  I think it would work better as something Kasumi
would say, if it is important.

	Kasumi sat behind the large steering wheel, guiding the 
speeding truck
through the streets. She took a turn a little too fast, 
flinging Akane into
Ranma, who was seated by the passenger door. Once the truck 
had levelled
off, Akane pulled herself off Ranma and faced straight ahead, her face
unreadable.

Kasumi as a speed-freak... that's just frightening! ;)

	It was a sort of deep whine that increased only 
slightly in pitch but
dramatically in intensity. The sound grew closer as Akane 
slowly guided her
large Moto backward toward the ramp. Lifting her feet, the 
Moto quickly slid

This feels kind of awkward.  How about "Akane lifted her feet, and the
Moto..." and so on.  Or something similar.

down the ramp, and glided backward a couple of meters before 
Akane stopped
it. The Moto looked ponderously large beneath her, and for a 
moment Ranma
wondered why she didn't opt for a Moto meant for someone more 
her size.

She likes to feel the power... never mind. ;)

	The stadium walls shot past in a blur as Akane guided 
the Moto around the
track. So far, everything was running smoothly. The Suzuki 
1500 Series power
plant was cycling nicely, the Magnetic field and stabilizers 

magnetic

functioning
well within normal parameters. 

	[No way, sis.] Akane replied. [A few random jumps here 
and there isn't much
to worry about.]

Uh oh.  Can we say "Famous Last Words"?

	[Ok, Akane. Just be careful.] The window closed, Kasumi 
closing the

'closing' is the wrong tense for this part.  Actually, this happens in other
places too (like I'm one to talk - I have the same problem ;), but past
tense fits this style of writing better.  Something like "The window closed
as Kasumi shut down the connection." would work better, I think.

	He was Ranma's height, but a little more muscular. The 
yellow and black
jumpsuit outlined his muscular legs, arms and chest, giving him a cut
appearance. His black hair fell over a yellow tiger-striped 
bandanna, brown
eyes shining with a reckless light.

I LOVE these descriptions! ;)

	"Hey," Akane interjected, "you two aren't old enough to drink!"

	The two looked at each other, then back to Akane. 
"That's never stopped
him." they said in unison, pointing at each other. The two 

Heh heh!  I like this part. 

	"I am." Ranma said. "What can I do with a busted Moto?" 

           ^
Should be a comma



Oh, yes.  This is good.  Sorry about the delay C&C'ing this chapter, but
I've been busy. <sigh>

Please continue with this - I'd like to see where it goes. ;)

-=sofaspud=-
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud