First off, let me state this: I have nothing against dark fics, alterverse
fics, or any others.  I personally prefer WAFFy fics, but I've enjoyed some
dark ones.  But this one set my teeth on edge, and not because of the
subject matter.

	"Ranma no Baka!" 

	Akane, garbed in her pretty yellow jumper, produced her 
mallet out of hammer-
space and swung it hard, landing a heavy blow across Ranma's 
face. The two had
been arguing a few moments earlier, and arguments only ended 
in one way.

	Wham!

<sigh>  Yet another standard intro to yet another 'Akane the Mallet-Wielding
Psycho' fic.  How disappointing.

What were they arguing about?  And since when did arguments only end one
way?  I've seen MANY different endings to an argument, and I've yet to read
the manga.  The video series alone provides dozens of different argument
ending possibilities.  Or make your own.  Be creative.

	"Hah! Like I'll should! Pervert!" Whack.

like I should

	Covered from head to toe in angry black and blue 
bruises, Ranma looked at
her. One eye was slightly swollen, and it made him look 
pathetic, like someone
who deserved a little sympathy. Akane didn't care. He made 
her so mad, she
just wanted to pay him back for what he did to her. 

Oookaaayyy...   Akane seems a WAY off the deep end here.  Even assuming she
was the 'Mallet-Wielding Psycho' that so many fics portray her as, I have a
VERY hard time picturing her beating Ranma until he's black and blue.

wall, and the wall can cook better!" Ranma didn't even have 
time to raise his
hands as she lighted into him. Whack! Wham! Thump! Thud! Whack!

she lit into him

	Like a minion from hell, she stood over him, anger 
written in every line of

Need to specify who 'him' is... I mean, we know if we think about it, but
it's a tad confusing.


Aside from the fact that Ranma seems to be weaker than he should be, what's
up with Akane?  She's never been THAT crazy, nor would she ever be.  Unless
this is an alterverse fic (which isn't specified), she's way OOC.  If it is
an alterverse fic, then you should lead into it a different way to make that
more apparent.  Lead up to this scene, don't start with it.

The violence doesn't bother me, it's the fact that Akane wouldn't behave
like that, given her established characteristics.  The scene is nice, but
doesn't fit the characters... hell, I don't think it fits ANYONE in the
Ranma cast.

IMO, you should go back to the drawing board on this one.

-=sofaspud=-
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud