Chris Crawford <Ryoga@Norfolk-County.com> wrote:

Any comments or insults please be short. DOMO ARIGATO GOZAIMESU

Okay...

First of all, dialog. A lot of yours just doesn't sound natural for the
characters. Try to picture the scenes in your mind, or even read them
out to yourself aloud, and ask yourself what the character would really
say in the situation.

Characterization. Contrary to fanfic cliche, Akane and Ranma don't
constantly fight over cooking, and she doesn't beat him up all the time
for no particular reason. If you don't believe me, read the manga. As
for your new character, he so far shows no personality, and doesn't add
anything to the story that I can see. Why is he there?

Plot. You're spending too much time on stock scenes. We already know
that Ryoga gets lost a lot. Get to what makes *your* story unique as
soon as possible. THEN you can work in the standard bits, and they'll
probably be more interesting that way.

Culture. While I can accept a certain amount of westernization in a fic,
the gun-happy redneck is an American stereotype that you just wouldn't
run into in Japan, especially Tokyo.

On the bright side, you *did* do a pretty decent job of writing da
Principal's speech patterns, which is something you don't see often.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html