Ya wanted C&C?  Comin' right up!

The old man looked at the side of his house in despair. Filling most
of the wall was a large hole, directly opposite the other wall with a
big hole in it. What had he done to deserve this, he thought sadly. He
couldn't think of any gods he might have annoyed that week, and
anything that was bad enough to be punished with a windhole in the

'Windhole'?  What is a windhole?

middle of his house was something he was sure he'd remember. He sighed
and picked up the telephone. The insurance company would never believe
this. It was the only building on the mountaintop. They'd never buy
it. Why would a guy just walk straight through his poor house, leaving
large holes to give the cat nightmares, instead of going around it? It

Um... I'm not quite sure I get this...  What is meant by 'give the cat
nightmares'?

Ryoga stopped and checked the map again. He'd figured out, that if he
carried on walking in the direction he was going, in a dead straight
line, he eventually get to the Tendo Dojo. *Pity there's so many
buildings in the way* he thought. He could've gone around them, but
knew from experience that he'd walk all the way around the building
and back along the path he'd come from. Yeah, so it wasn't very fair
to home owners, but ... He squinted at the map. *It's getting hard to

This just seems OOC.  Ryoga may be pigheaded ;), aggressive, and incredibly
obtuse at times, but he is not rude as a general rule.  Besides, his jumping
abilities are at least on par with most of Nerima's martial artists; why
would he barge right through the buildings when he could jump to the roof
and walk over?

read this thing now ... guess it's time to pitch my tent.* He
continued walking until he reached a good spot. The air crackled with
electricity, warning Ryoga that a storm was coming, and if he didn't
want the old man to get his revenge by serving up roast pork chops ala
P-chan, he'd better get a move on. He pulled his tent kit out of his
pack. "Aww great! Just my luck!" He glared ferociously at the tangled
guy ropes and set about trying to disentangle it. The result was
rather like watching an octopus eat spaghetti. Looking up at the sky
fearfully, he eventually managed it and yanked a few metal poles out
of his bag. 

Heh heh... shish-kabob.  Kentucky Fried P-Chan? ;)

*Note: Electric charge may be deposited on an object only by
transferring charge to it from some other piece of material. Friction
can separate small quantities of electric charge. By rubbing two
materials together, electrons may be transferred from the atoms of one
material to those of the other, if the second material has a greater
affinity for electrons than the first. Spectacular (and pretty
dangerous) results of the transfer of electric charge occur in
lightning. Here, an electrically charged cloud suddenly discharges,
generating a current which passes through the air, raising it to very
high temperatures. This causes both the flash of lightning and a
shockwave of pressure changes in the air, producing the sound of
thunder. The energy used in charging up the cloud initially is drawn
from the atmosphere.

*Note: Lightning is electricity. Metal conducts electricity. Lightning
+ metal tent poles = big bang, big flash of light, lots of pain and
possible death. You have been warned. No longer can you use the excuse
"I was asleep when our teacher was showing us that video."

Um... yeah.  Why on earth is an excerpt from a textbook in a fanfic?  I'm
sure just about everybody on the FFML is familiar with the 'lightning-rod'
principle, so why beat the subject to death and disrupt the flow of the
story?  I'd cut this part out.

Besides, DESCRIBING the lightning strike would make the story a lot more
interesting than just hinting at it.

"... ouch ..." Ryoga's eyes flicked open and a groan escaped him. *I
should've dealt with the poles first...* He sat up slowly and assessed
how much damage had been done to him. "Drat." As predicted, he was
covered in burns. He'd need a quick dip in cold water to ease the
pain. Shame cold water had such an adverse affect on him, or he'd
actually relish the thought. Climbing slowly to his feet, he looked
around. His tent was a write off, he noted sadly. A few charred scraps

write-off

of material were all that remained. Trees were now little lumps of
charcoal and the ground was totally black. His eyes widened in shock
at the extent of the destruction. *Wow! I'm lucky to be alive!* 
A figure lying a few meters away from him caught his eye. *Guess I'd
better check he's been as lucky.* He walked over and knelt down next

              ^
to see if

to the person and rolled them over to face him. "Hey, are
yo....ahhhhhhhhhhh!!" He jumped back in shock. Well, so would you, if
you were suddenly confronted by your own face without even looking in
a mirror. "Ohmygod!! I'm dead! I'm dead and I've just turned over my
body!" He covered his mouth with his hand in shock. "But I can't be
dead ... ghosts can't feel pain ... or can they?.... So I'm a ghost?!"
" .... owwww ... that hurts ...." Ryoga fell over in shock as his body
sat up and shook his head to clear it. His doppelganger looked over at
him, seeing him for the first time. "Oh dear."
"What do you mean, 'oh dear'? You can see me?" Ryoga stared at
himself.
"Of course I can see you, you're not dead or anything." The other
Ryoga grinned at him. "We stopped that happening. How do you feel?"
Ryoga blinked. "How do I feel? HOW DO I FEEL?!!" He grabbed his double
by the throat. "I have been struck by lightning. My possessions are
destroyed. My body is screaming in agony and I have a new twin! I am
NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!!!!!"
The double gasped for breath. "Do you think you could let go of me?
I'm in pain too." Reluctantly he did so. His double rubbed his neck.
"Thank you. I suppose you want me to explain myself."
"Yes, that would be nice. But before you do, could we check for other
me's? Then you could all talk at once" Ryoga replied sarcastically.
"Good idea. I didn't think of that." The double stood up looked
around. "Well? Are you going to help me look?"
Ryoga gaped at him. *I'm having a bad dream. Please tell me this is a
dream - I was struck by the lightning and this just a subconscious
thought, but I'll wake up and I'll be in a hospital or lying here but
there'll only be one me and It'll be me because this isn't happening
and it isn't real...*
"Are you going to help me or not?" The double looked at him
enquiringly. "Come on."
Dazedly he followed his other self as he wandered around the disaster
zone. *What if he's real, though?* he though suddenly. *He could be

thought

The copy ignored the indignant remark and continued. "We're those two
parts of your personality, like in Oh My Goddess. That dweeb," he

Would Ryoga know about OMG?  I mean, he doesn't seem to spend enough time in
one place to bother picking up manga or watching TV.

Kasumi looked up from the washing up. "Why, hello, Ryoga. Nice to see
you. And where have you been?"
Ryoga grinned. "All over the place really ... do you want some help
with that washing up?"
"Oh, no, that's OK, I'm fine here. You tell me about your travels."
Ryoga thought for a second. *Everyone takes advantage of Kasumi, never
helping her and she never complains, but I bet she doesn't get any
rest.* "Tell you what. You sit down with a cup of tea. I'll do the
washing up and tell you about my travels."
Kasumi smiled. "Very well, if you insist." She sat down with a small
sigh of relief. "I must say, it's nice to have people offer to help
once in a while. I'm touched."
Ryoga smiled back. "You're welcome." *It's nice to have someone
appreciate my help ... why doesn't my other self help Kasumi out once
in a while ... oh well, must be the Devil in him. He's too busy
running around screaming 'Ranma prepare to die' to help out...*

Nabiki turned around as she heard footfalls behind her. "Oh, hey,
Ryoga."
"Nabiki." Ryoga grinned at her. "Can you lead me the way to the Dojo?"
Nabiki thought for a second. "3000 yen."
Ryoga had a dangerous look in his eye. "Now, now, Nabiki. You're going
that way yourself. It's not gonna inconvenience you."
"1500 then."
Much to her surprise, he took two steps forward and gently gripped her
by the throat. "Always wanted to do this. Now, Nabiki, I need to get
to the Dojo, OK? I have absolutely no money whatsoever. And this is
important. Stop screwing me about and grubbing for money, because I
don't have any. Manners don't cost a penny, though I not really one to
talk at the present. I don't need to squeeze, do I?" Nabiki shook her
head numbly.
"Good." Ryoga grinned. "So we have an understanding then?" She nodded.
With a small laugh, he released her. "No need to look like such a
scared little rabbit."
Nabiki rubbed her neck. "I could get you done for that, you know," she
said with a hint of fear in her voice.
"No you can't" he said calmly. "Because one, there is no mark on your
neck, two, there are no witnesses, three, they'd never find me - hell,
I can never find me and four ... can't think of a four at present, but
I'm sure I will. Good enough for you?" 
Nabiki glared at the ground. "S'kay"
"Hmm?"
"I SAID IT'S OK!!" Nabiki set off, stomping as she went along.
Ryoga sniggered. *Cool! She has weaknesses after all. Why didn't my
other self ever confront her? It's kinda fun making her squirm.* He
followed her to the Tendo Dojo. Where there was already a Ryoga. Where
another Ryoga was heading. The Tendo's were in for a shock.

This whole section is bloody confusing!  You need to make it more apparent
to the reader just which copy of Ryoga is in the scene.  The other
characters SHOULD be confused, but we shouldn't!

End Part II
Final song - Good Times Bad Times

What is up with these songs?  Do they actually exist?  Why list them here?

"Oh my."
Akane looked at the three Ryoga's in amazement. "This is ...
incredible!"
"Yeah. You two got lucky. I got the Devil one," Nabiki growled. 
Ranma shook his head. "Too, too weird. You musta hit me harder than I
thought."

Ok, whoa, pause, hold it, TIME OUT!  What is going on here?  From 'The
Tendos were in for a shock' to 'Akane looked at the three Ryoga's in
amazement' with no scene description?  Hell, in ONE sentence?  This is just
too quick... we have no idea what's going on, really.  I mean, last we
heard, the Angel Ryoga (if you figured it out - took me a bit) was doing
dishes, the Devil Ryoga was throttling Nabiki, and the other Ryoga was
either still lost or following Akane to the dojo - I'm not too clear on that
point.

You need to put in some SERIOUS work here to bring them together, instead of
just jumping scenes and saying 'ok, they're here now!'

Akane advanced on him dangerously. "Raaannnnnnmmmmmmaaaaa ...."
Ranma backed away and quickly changed the subject. "Three Ryoga's,
hmm? One good, one bad and one original. How do we tell them all
apart?"

Also, how on earth did Ryoga explain it?  I mean, they'd probably have no
trouble believing him, but how did he explain it?

Angel Ryoga grinned. "You could try insulting us and seeing which one
does nothing, which one gets slightly tetchy and which one pounds your
head into the carpet."

Heh heh. ;)

"In that case ..." She stepped forward. She had short black hair and
green eyes and was wearing clothes identical to the three Ryoga's. In
fact, she looked almost exactly like the Ryoga's.
*Noooo ... it can't be!* Ryoga thought in shock. The next words
clinched it though.
"RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" She launched herself at Ranma, who sat
still in shock for a moment before he actually realised he was under
attack, giving her a chance to land a few blows. Ranma recovered and
punched her as hard as he could. She hit the back wall and lay there

WHOAA!  NO WAY.  Nope.  Ranma isn't - even when startled out of his wits -
the type to pound a girl, even if she resembles his longest rival.  This is
WAAAAYY OOC.

"If you're feminine, why are you wearing the same clothes as them?"
Ranma asked.

Like Ranma is one to talk... ;)

"What about me?" Ryoga-chan added. "I mean, these clothes are guy
clothes. I didn't choose them. I need to get something practical yet
flattering. These do nothing for me"

This... is frightening.

Like a cat always heads towards the only person afraid of/ allergic to
them, so the water sprayed all over the only person in the room with a
Jusenkyo curse following a process known as Murphy's law or more
commonly known as Sod's law ... Ryoga was directly in the path of the
cold water. And Akane was in the room too. 

Hmm...  I wonder if Akane is familiar with football?  Field goal!!!

Member 30 of SSoAGMA, Deadly Everyday Object Weaponary 
Technique, Dragon Warrior Style
Mousse no miku; Generally dangerous English otaku
Member of the Chan club; Wos; Head Castrator of the Hotnit 
Feminisation Project; SOotCiP; Supporter of cliched pairs;
Keeper of the Moneybags for the Hotnit Fan Club; CotMHW - 
Launderer of the Robes of Death; SLAP;
4th Gen. EOE; Image Consultant For "That Guy"; 
#WASHU#;AKPReSS, Gen. Div.
____/\____________________________
|___||_____________________________\
    \/

I like the idea (a lot) but the story needs some major work.  Ranma in
particular is incredibly OOC in spots, as is Ryoga.

It would also be easier to read if you used paragraphs - either indent the
new ones or put an extra line break in.  As is it gets really confusing in
places.