Maddocks wrote:

            The main plot is ver losely based on Shin Megami Tensei 8:
Soul Hackers

In english, True God ressurection 8: Soul Hackers.

            Copyright of Atlus corperation. Don't sue me.
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                    Part one of Project B.A.D.

        It's 2036. After the apocalypse in 2007 all major cities were
destroyed. The whole world was massacred leaving nothing alive and the
air unbreathable. For this the bio domes were built. They could sustain

If nothing was alive, what built the biodomes?  That should be one word
incidentally.  

about 40,000 people with air and food produced in an agricultural
section of the domes. There is one dome in every country. Journies would

Tense confusion.  "Journeys".

have been impossible between each dome so a computer system was set up

Why would journeys be impossible?  

for communication. All the domes were connected to a computer system
which was connected to every household. Hacking then became popular, and
more fun!

        The tree of life is ot eternal,

"not"

        it's sap will dry and wither.
        It's nourishment shall be demon's blood,
        and shall return to thy earth.
        The god shall rise and the god shall fall,
        and the other gods will weep.
>From the Book of life. Page 1245. verse 6. aproximated date of written,
234 B.C.  Excavated and translated by Doctor. Kelkar.

        And te god shall wash away sin with his blood.

"the"

Written in between the margins of page 1245, verse 6, in the original
book of life. Written in blood.
.............................................................................
                        And so it begins..........

        The darkness hung over the dome. Je sighed as he looked out the window
from the large buisness building. He had such a great view from here. He

"business"

rubbed his hand through his short black hair. A small bit of hair then
stood up but he quickly brushed it down. He wiped the wrinkles out of
his buisness suit. He fixed up his tie and sighed. Soon, soon he

"business"

thought. He looked behind him. His desk with unorginized papers all over

"unorganised"

it. The computer was off. He sighed again and looked at the door at the
other side of the room. A little light shone from under the door. He
heard a creak and a figure walked through.
        The man was less then six feet tall. His skin was pale and his hair

"than".  And that's a meaningless description.  Most people are less than six 
feet tall.  Do you mean "nearly six feet tall"?  

ruffeled up, as though no combed in weeks. His long lab coat went down

"disheveled as though it hadn't been combed in weeks."

over his body. He fixed his glsses with his left hand and held up the

What were the other options for the lab coat?  

object in the right. It was the clip board. "I have the data Mr.

No...not "the" clip board.  <gasp>  So they only have one clip board in 
the city?  

Verion."
        Mr. Varion looked at the small man. "Tell me what you have discovered

Which is it?  Verion or Varion?  

doctor?"
        The scientist looked at the clip board and fliped through the sheets.
"Increased eyesight and agilility. Strength, tripled. Icreased

"agility" "Increased"

intellagence and ability to breath over twenty different gasses. But

"intelligence"  "breathe"  And the ability to breath over twenty different 
gasses doesn't make sense.  What does it do with the other gasses?  

there are some nasty side affects. Eyes have taken a red colour. The
subjects skin is now a pale white. The subject also has grown fangs, and
there about as strong as steel now. Also the heart beat as slowed down

"has"

by 80%. Due to this he needs a blood transfusion about once every twenty
four hours to survive. The subject eyes are now damaged by sunlight."

This description isn't convincingly scientific.  There is no reason why any
of those characteristics would require him to get regular tranfusions and
a scientist would say something along the lines of:

"The subject is now manifesting extreme photosensitivity, particularly in 
the UV range.  Worse than that, he's developed a severe case of pernicious
anemia.  Without regular transfusions, he'll die.  In addition his digestive
tract has atrophied leaving him incapable of eating solid food.  There are 
also some trivial cosmetic side-effects such as a loss of skin and eye 
pigmentation and hypertrophy of the canines."

        Mr. Varion laughed. "Have you ever heard the legends about vampires.

Question mark.

You give a very accurate acount of them. There supposed to be angels of
darkness sent to enslave the living."

"description" not "account".  "They're"  And since when?  

        The doctor sniffed. "There just legends, stories written in a time long
passed."

"Those are just legends..."

        Mr. Varion glanced out the window. "Fine, whatever you say. But it is
quite odd, no?"
        The doctor sighed and walked over to Mr. Varion. "Here you can have to
whole data." 

That line makes no sense.

He handed him the clipboard and walked out of the room.

"He handed Varion the..."

        He walked through hall after hall. The walls were titanium alloy. He

Who?  

looked around seeing security guards and employes. All worthless pawns,

"employees"

no less the pawns. He soon walked into the security room.

"no less the pawns" makes no sense.

        Most of the room was filled with a huge computer with over a dozen
security monitors. A man sat in a chair watching the the monitors. He
wore a blue security with a hat resembaling the old police hats. He had

He wore a blue security?  What does a security look like?  "resembling"

a pistol in his hands looking through it, an automatic. He clicked the
clip in and out. He never noticed the doctor behind him.

Don't go "He this" and "He that".  

        The doctor reached into his lab coat pocket and pulled out a revolver.
The old lady had never gived up in over thirty years, and it wouldn't

never what?  

now. He raised the revolver and pointed at the back of the security
guards head. He released three bullets and put the revolver back into

"guard's".  "Release" does not mean "fire".  Don't go "He this" and 
"He that".  

his pocket. He moved the body out of the way, leaving a trail of blood
on the control panel. The scientist began to type. First hacking into
the security files and placing a picture of a employe instead of

"employee"

himself, killing the guard. Then he checked on cell 0012, where the
specimen was being held. He undid the locks and turned off the security
cameras in the area. He then turned down the light level in the security
room. Then he pulled a vial from his pocket. He then filled it up with
the blood from the mans head. When he filled up the vial he put a coark

"cork"  And how did he get the blood into the vial?  

in it. He then shook it looking at the little bit of purple. He was
experimenting with a new chemical, working out the imperfecions.  Then

"imperfections"

he left the room, closing the door behind him. He then left for the lab.

        In the security room two guards were talking about home and family.
They never heard the door to cell 0012 open up. They also never noticed
the lower light setting. Slowly creaking open. The figure charged out
moving towards the guards. The guards had no time to react before the
creature had their heads in each hand. The bodies crupeled to the

"crumpled"

ground, blood puring out from there necks. The creature tossed the

"pouring", "their".  And triple human strength isn't nearly good enough to tear
a man's head from his neck with one hand.  It would have crushed their necks and
shattered their skulls against the wall.  No more.  

guards heads against the wall. As they slid down the wall they left a
rail of blood. The creature walked over to the body of one op the guards

"trail" "of"  And he doesn't have to walk over to the body of a guard.
They are lieing right in front of him.  

and picked up a pistol. He stuffed it into the pocket of his jeens and
wiped the blood off his black shirt. He then took a few clips from the

Enough with the "See Dick Run" prose.  Do it this way:

"The creature leaned over to take a pistol and a couple of clips of
ammunition from one of the bodies.  

Or something like that.  You do not need a separate sentence for each 
motion.  And stop going "He this" and "He that"!

body of the guards. Then he picked up a security card from the bosy and

>From the what?  

and left the security area. He would not kill if he never had to, he
thought. 

He was, of course, a liar since he had just killed two people he didn't have
to.  

He then dodged around the corners and through the halls. Into

the night.

Hardly.  There were people all through those corridors just a minute
ago and they wouldn't put the heart of the project near a convenient exit.  
Given his distinctive looks and murderous tendencies, he would have carved
a bloody path to the exterior.  

                                End of part 1
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        I hope you enjoyed this fic. IF you read it, give me feedback on how
you felt about it. PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK. No one read my last fic.