Sachs wrote:
As Nabiki, Ranma, and Akane walked to school, Nabiki couldn't
help remembering her dream from last night since she had the walk to
her left, Ranma to her right, and Akane to his right. Although
... Huh? The above is VERY confusingly worded.
determined not to, she couldn't help taking quick glance to make
certain she was dressed. It was one thing to be nude in a dream, it
was a whole other ball game in reality.
Yeah, I can agree with that!
Ranma was puzzled. He noticed that Nabiki would look ahead for
the most part, but would look down at herself every few minutes or
so. He also noted that Akane seemed to be on the defensive if
^as
expecting an attack or so. As the school came within their sight,
the 'or so' should be removed, it isn't necessary.
wasn't around. They continued on only stopping in front of Nabiki's
homeroom. Only there did Ranma release Nabiki. As she was heading into
her homeroom, Ranma and Akane waved to her and headed for their
homeroom hand in hand.
Too much use of the word 'homeroom', I would suggest 'As she was heading into the room, Ranma and Akane waved to
her and headed for their own homeroom hand in hand.' This flows a little better.
As they walked into their homeroom, they could see the shocked
I'd change this to simply, 'As they walked in' though this opinion is a little less concrete.
faces on those students already there. Because, for once, Ranma and
Akane were early and they were shocked to see them holding hands as
they walked in.
Remove, 'as they walked in' you've already covered that.
Even though it had happened yesterday, Ranma's classmates were
still amazed that he was both participating in the class and seemed
to have most of the answers to those questions the teacher asked.
Thanks to Ranma most of the morning classes continued along without
the usual "fishing for an answer for an hour" that used to happen.
Before anyone knew it, it was lunch time.
As class moved into the school for lunch, Akane grew nervous as
she remembered her dreams from last night. She wouldn't even gone
^ ^
It might be a good idea to add 'have' at one of the two spots indicated.
outside if not for Ranma at her side. By an unspoken agreement, they
headed towards the tree they had sat under yesterday. Half way there,
Ranma gave Akane a slight push which took a few steps forward to
recover from.
The above sentence is confusingly worded.
With a bow Ranma responded, "Thank you, my lady."
Akane groaned at Ranma's antics. But before she could comment on it
they heard a scream.
"That sounded like Ryouga!" Ranma exclaimed as he pulled Akane up
and they heard towards the crowd.
^
'heard'? How about 'headed'
Ryouga noticed the sign in front of him. It said, 'Furinkan High
School.' From all the activity, Ryouga figured it was beginning of the
lunch period.
//Finally,// Ryouga thought. //I made it back to Akane.//
It had taken him over a month to return to Nerima after his last
fight with Ranma. But now, Ryouga was going to teach Ranma a lesson he
won't soon forget.
'wouldn't' might be better to use here instead of 'won't'.
Just as he was about to enter the school yard, someone tapped him
on the shoulder and asked, "Is this 'Furinkan High School?'"
Ryouga turned around and answered, "Yes, it is."
The stranger was slightly taller than Ryouga himself and from the
various bulging muscle, very strong. The stranger wore a white loose
I'd suggest switching 'white' and 'loose'
Ranma and Akane ran toward the crowd. Once there they saw Ryouga
fighting some stranger. Ranma's eyes widen slightly and told Akane to
get behind him.
Akane wanted to protest that she could take care of herself but
seeing Ryouga battered the protest died on her lips. She quietly moved
behind Ranma. Out of curiosity, she asked, "Who's that?"
"Devos," Ranma said venomously. "Devos, the Destroyer. Devos,
the Doombringer. Devos, the Oathbreaker. Devos, the Betrayer.
Devos...."
In a soft, emotionless voice he continued, "I met *him* a few
years after I finally got out of Hell... Kloisa was the *second*
//stop// on my journey back..."
Ranma laughed a bit. The laughter had an edge to it. Taking a
deep breath, he said, "I took me a few months to discover the next
Bridge I needed to continue with... Took me a few more months to
figure out how to use that *style* of Bridge...
"Having some 'time to kill' I went looking to see what this world
might have to teach me... I learned the *hard* way that it had a lot
to teach me....
"Anyway, Devos was once one of the Dragonguards, an Order of the
Imperial Army. The Dragonguards were responsible for protecting the
Empire of Kloisa from the Darkness.
"And they had for the last two thousand years until Devos
betrayed the Order and the Empire. Because of Devos, the city of Gem
fell, its defenders killed from within. But Devos wasn't satisfied
with that. Oh no. He proceed to slaughter one million helpless women
and children. And... and... I couldn't do a damn thing to stop him! He
was too good, too skilled, too powerful for me, back *then*....
"I've learned *a lot* since then... But even conquering Kloisa
didn't satisfy his battle-lust, so for sport, he destroyed *his* very
*own* world. And now, since I, *alone*, opposed him, not that I could
have done much back then, he has been trying to find me ever since. He
plans to destroying *our* world too... As a *price* for defying him."
Ranma took a deep breathe, calmed himself, and stated, "But I
will *not* let him, *this* time. *Today*, Devos, the *Oathbreaker*,
pays his dues."
Upon seeing Ranma in the distance, Devos smiled, kicked the
unconscious Ryouga again, and began to charge at Ranma from ten meters
away.
Ranma remained calm.
Devos closed the gap by a meter.
Ranma motioned the various students still around to move away from
Devos and himself.
Devos drew his sword when he was five meters away from Ranma.
Ranma looked into Devos's eyes.
At three meters, Ranma raised his right hand, palm perpendicular
to the ground, and pointed it at Devos as he moved closer. A huge ball
of energy, two meters wide, appeared in Ranma's hand. The ki-ball was
predominately light blue, Ranma's ki-color, but one could see other colors
existing separately within the ki-ball, mostly white, some greens, and
a few spots of red, giving the ki-ball an exotic look. Power seemed
to erupt out of the ki-ball only to fall back into itself.
A two meter wide beam leapt out of the ball hitting Devos dead
on. The beam pushed Devos back. It deepened into a sky blue color.
Still pushing Devos back. Devos's clothes caught on fire. Devos paid
the flames on his clothing no mind as he tried to reach Ranma. The
ball and beam of ki changed to a green-blue color. Devos's skin caught
fire, and yet Devos fought on. The ball and beam of ki energy changed
colors again to a reddish-blue color. The beam consumed Devo's flesh,
then his bones and sword, leaving only ash, and then that too was
consumed by the energy burst.
Everyone was shocked.
Calmly, Ranma walked over to Ryouga unconscious body, knelt down,
and whispered, "Ryouga... Ryouga... I've *avenged* you, *old* friend."
Ranma placed his right hand just a few centimeters over Ryouga's
stomach. Ranma closed his eyes and his right hand began to glow a
bright golden-white color. He stayed that way for five minutes all the
while his hand became brighter. Then he set the hand on Ryouga's
stomach and the glow spread throughout Ryouga's body obscuring it.
After another five minutes the glow faded, Ranma stood up and said,
"Hey, Ryouga! How are you?"
Ryouga groaned, blinked, and jumped to his feet screaming,
"Where's that crazy man?"
"Ryouga, Devos's gone. Take it easy," Ranma said in soothing
voice. He was trying to calm Ryouga down.
"Shut up," Ryouga screamed as he punched Ranma. Ranma went
flying in the direction of the school pool, of course. Akane watched
Ranma's flight path and she noticed that Ranma was actually laughing
in delight.
Puzzled but angry at Ryouga, Akane called him, "Baka! Ranma just
*saved* your *life*. And you thank him by punching him?!?! Baka!"
"Akane!" Ryouga exclaimed in surprise. "But... but..."
Akane grabbed Ryouga's left ear and started to drag Ryouga to the
pool as she said, "You *are* going to *apologize* to Ranma."
"Ouch," Ryouga complained. He tried to interrupt her with another
"But..."
"No buts, Ryouga," Akane continued on.
At the pool, both pulled up short. There in the pool was Ranma.
Both Akane and Ryouga was stunned. There was Ranma, male, in a body of
cool water treading water as if it was the most natural thing in the
world. Puzzled, both Akane and Ryouga began saying, "But... but..."
Ranma still laughing and said, "Come on in.... The water's fine.
Okay... It's cool. But it's not freezing... Nope... Not freezing.
Come on in..."
Both Akane and Ryouga could only stare at Ranma.
"Fine, I'll come out then," Ranma replied. Ranma swam to the edge
of the pool, lifted himself out, and walked over to Akane. Along the
way, Ranma shook the excess water off of himself. Some of it landed on
both Ryouga and Akane. Akane screamed, "Ranma! That's cold."
Ranma just smiled and said, "Sorry."
"How did..." Ryouga began but was interrupted by the bell
signaling the end of the lunch period.
Akane continued to look at Ranma, so he said, "Akane, we need to
get back to class. See ya later, Ryouga."
With that Ranma took Akane's hand and lead her back to class.
Once back in the classroom, Akane's stomach grumbled since she
didn't get to eat lunch. Everyone looked at her, so she buried her
face in her hands in embarrassment. She only looked up when Ranma
said, "Here."
Ranma handed to her a pealed orange, similar to the one he had
given her yesterday.
"Where?" Akane began but Ranma smiled and simply patted his large
pouch at his side for answer.
Taking lessons from Nakor have we? <G>
All in all an enjoyable chapter. Keep up the good work.
P.S. I hope you're going to go over what happened when Shampoo appeared
in the Nekohanten. At least I'm assuming that's where she ended up.