Susan Doenime <wendigo@zerlargal.humbug.org.au> wrote:

	Summer was a beautiful time to walk along the riverside. 
The birds were singing, the flowers were blossoming, the sun 
was shining, and the raw sewage in the river was a 
particularly lovely shade of yellow.

You could write this with a more active phrasing. The birds sang, the
flowers blossomed, etc.

	Soun gave an eager bow. "Yes! How should I start."

Shouldn't there be a question mark there?

	"Everything is nice and relaxing. You have a picnic, and an 
adorable puppy plays on the blanket beside you. The sun is nice 
and warm, and you have no worries or cares."

	Soun nodded blissfully.

	"Can you see it, Tendo-san?"

	"I can," he replied peacefully.

	Misuto nodded in satisfaction and kicked him in the balls, 
hard.

He he he! Very funny scene here.

	Nodoka nodded, her brain slowly unlocking. She wasn't 
sure what it was that Soun had learned, but it was incredibly 
annoying. Not only did it render her incoherent with fear, but it 
made Genma act about as unmanly as you could get! Screaming 
and jumping out of a closed 3rd story window, for example! 

This would probably look better if you wrote out "third."

	This produced more angry shout, none of which he could 

shouts, or shouting

	"Ergh," Genma replied. "What the hell was that? A cult?"

	"No, it's some sort of dance club. They play a sort of 
music called 'Disco', in which people 'boogie til they drop'."

I'd rather not have this explicitly explained... I think it was pretty
obvious what it was.

	Slowly, already cringing at the horrible vengence that 

vengeance

	Soun muttered under his breath, clearly trying to work 
himself up. Genma screwed his eyes shut at what seemed to be 
the last second, and braced himself. While this would still 
hurt, Soun's confusion and mild dismay were undoubtably what 
was dominating his mine, not angry indignation.

mind

		Oh yes, boy. When you get done reading this, go find 
	Soun. Kneel at his feet. And then thank him repeatedly for 
	never teaching Akane the Righteous Seven Demons Wrath.

		Isn't that just a terrifying thought?

Actually, Akane HAS done the big head thing, and Genma was there to see
it. Vol. 37, p. 10. Wasn't as impressive as Soun's, though.

As with previous chapters, this was great fun. The writing carries the
story and the humor well. A few times it seemed like the the story was
explaining things that could've stood on their own -- the disco being
the most obvious example -- but this may just be a stylistic preference,
so take it for what it's worth.

So far, based on personalities (which aren't that great an indicator of
heredity, but they're all we got) I'm expecting Kiri to be Akane and
Nabiki's mother, and Misuto to be Kasumi's, possibly with Genma the
father of the latter. Of course, given the weirdness of kami, it's also
possible that Misuto IS Kasumi. We'll just have to wait and see.

Looking forward to more!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html