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CROSSTIME ADVENTURES: THE MST!
By Matthew Campbell
Riding on the shoulders of giants:
Chris Davies and Jeff Hosmer
The Place: A theater sitting in a featureless black plain. There are no
walls, just a large silver screen and rows and rows of seats.
Two figures shimmer into existence in a flash of rainbow colored light.
One, a man, has a cheery smile plastered across his face. He's
wearing a white shirt with puffy sleeves and a comfortable-looking pair of
jeans. Across his back a smallish sword is sheathed in a scabbard. The
man takes a moment to run a hand through his short gray hair before
turning towards his companion.
The other is a woman. Her face is entirely concealed by the shadow of
the broad-brimmed hat she is wearing. This is not a natural phenomenon,
since the darkness covering her features is completely impenetrable.
Otherwise she's dressed in a pale gray suit covered with mysterious
pouches and pockets. A cape extends down over her back, revealing only a
flash of blonde hair between where it escapes from her hat and disappears
under the cape.
MAN: And you said we wouldn't make it!
WOMAN: I said I wasn't sure I wanted to make it. I still think it's a dumb
idea. This isn't going to get me any closer.
MAN: But you'll get to see-
WOMAN: I think it'll just make it hurt more. Let's just get on with it. We
agreed to do this, and we're already running late.
MAN: You mean _you_ ran late.
WOMAN: Don't you have some introductions to make?
MAN: Ahem.
The man turns to face the camera. He spreads his arms wide and says-
MAN: Hello! You may call me Snake, and this is my associate, uh,
Conejito. Trying to MST a fic this big is an insane task, but my associate
and I have a history of doing the impossible. We're the greatest team the
universe has ever-
Snake is stopped by a glare from the darkness where Conejito's eyes
would have been. He clears his throat.
SNAKE: Sorry. Arrogant rants are an unfortunate legacy of my past.
Anyway, there's supposed to be a third reviewer, but it looks like she won't
be getting here for a while. If my associate would care to do the honors?
CONEJITO: (waves arm at screen) Let's go people! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
The screen lights up, and pictures begin to flow across it.
[NOTE: Because of the sheer size of this fic, we have split it into 3
parts.]
CONEJITO: Oooooh, I've got a bad feeling about this. Does this place
have a restroom?
SNAKE: Chin up.
THE CROSSTIME ADVENTURES OF ATHENA AND SHEILA
OR
BUCKAROO TEN'KAI, ACROSS THE MANY DIMENSIONS :)
By
Chris Davies
Jeff Hosmer
With Assistance From:
John Biles
Levar Bouyer
Mark Doherty
Sean Gaffney
Robert Morrison
David Oliver
Peter Ward
CONEJITO: What about Raye and Sheila and all the other characters?
How about a little thanks for them, huh?
SNAKE: I think they're only counting authors. Though at least one
character got thanked, since Sean is playing a double role there.
Crystal Tokyo
September, 2980
Sheila was finishing up on the initial stages of a peer review of a
study of a new work of Senshi history, dealing with the career of Sailor
V, when the sprite materialized over her desk. She blinked and adjusted
her glasses as the little construction of light (which resembled Her
Majesty the Queen) began to speak in a rapid-fire manner.
"Sheilapleasecometomylaboratoryassoonasyoupossibly--"
CONEJITO: Hey! Who approved that they could use that likeness?!
SNAKE: I'm sure Serenity's appearance is in the public domain for things
like that.
CONEJITO: Yeah, well, I don't like it.
"Whoa!" Sheila interrupted. "Slow down a mite. I can't understand
you when you speak that fast." It was a lie; she could clearly make out
each of the words that the sprite was saying, but she disliked being
spoken to at that rate.
The sprite let out a huge sigh, bowing its head as it did. It then
spoke clearly, enunciating each word. "Sheila, please come to my
laboratory as soon as you possibly can. Signed, Lina Inverse. RSVP?"
SNAKE: A sigh? Sprites were never that uppity in my day!
CONEJITO: (under her breath) Or they just didn't dare act up in front of
you.
SNAKE: Anyway, I have to ask. No phone system in Crystal Tokyo?
CONEJITO: Well it _is_ supposed to be a paradise. Imagine people not
being able to bother you on their whim.
"Tell her I'll be there shortly," she assured the sprite. While
she and the timelost sorceress were hardly intimate, she did respect her
enough to come when requested. The sprite bowed, and derezzed.
Sheila pulled off her reading glasses, and dropped them in her
blouse's right pocket. She checked the window, and decided that a
jacket would be appropriate for today's weather. Then she strolled out
the door to her office.
SNAKE: A windowed office. RHIP.
The College of Occult Studies was located a fair distance away from
the rest of the University's buildings, largely for safety's sake.
Sheila enjoyed the autumn wind as she strolled along the path, and
smiled slightly as she caught the eye of a few people glaring irately at
her -- specifically at her light jacket, in weather that forced them to
wear much more heavy clothing. Temperature tolerance is a wonderful
thing, she thought cheerfully.
SNAKE: Ah, pride goeth before a fall. Just when you're feeling totally
confident and secure in your power, just when you're sure you can handle
anything that come your way, that's when the universe dumps on you.
CONEJITO: And sometimes just when you think things can't get any
worse, they do.
SNAKE: Just speaking from personal experience.
CONEJITO: Me too.
She stepped into the bounce tube located at the entrance to the
college, and requested Lina's lab. The tube accelerated her to the very
top floor of the building, and Sheila noticed from the floor directories
posted by each floor that the two floors below that were entirely
unoccupied.
SNAKE: Impressive. She read the floor directories while speeding past in
the bounce tube? That's a fast reader!
CONEJITO: Or a slow bounce tube.
Knocking on the door to the lab resulted in a cry of "Enter!"
Sheila did so.
> The floor of the lab had been carefully scrubbed to a pristine
condition, before the circles and shapes had been diagrammed on the
floor, using what Sheila thought were copper and iron filings, and
possibly powdered gemstones. Lina herself was standing a few feet
away, barefoot but clothed in her usual tight pants, along with a white T-
shirt. She was sweaty, but happy looking. Sheila thought she looked
very yummy like that, but the sorceress had made her preferences clear
long before this.
SNAKE: Oooo, lesbians!
CONEJITO: Just one lesbian.
SNAKE: She's an anime woman. I think it's a rule that all anime women
are either lesbian or bisexual. Lina probably just had a bad experience
with a woman in her past.
CONEJITO: Just when I think you've gone totally nice, you start
commenting on other people's sex lives.
SNAKE: Indulging my sex drive brings me closer to humanity. Besides,
every MST needs at least one hentai. Unless you're volunteering for the
job?
CONEJITO: No way!
SNAKE: Then by being a pervert, I'm making a sacrifice for the team.
"Hey, Lina. What's happening?" Sheila asked.
"I'm a genius, that's what's happening," Lina said, grinning
maniacally. "I have FINALLY figured out a way to get back to my own,
proper place in the universe, where magic works the way that it's
SUPPOSED to work, and --"
SNAKE: Oh, she's a primitive from another dimension. Guess that
explains why she couldn't handle a phone.
CONEJITO: That is just so arrogant. Haven't you learned humility?
SNAKE: Sure, but you know I've only been a "C" student.
"Really?" Sheila asked, trying to forestall one of Lina's rants.
"That's incredible."
"Innit though?" Lina said, nodding. "It's a blending of my own
high sorcery and the ritualized stuff that I've picked up in this
continuum. The thing is, I've got to have an inhabitant of THIS
universe for the process to work."
"And you picked me?" Sheila asked, as she started to pull off her
jacket.
SNAKE: Alert! Women taking off their clothes!
CONEJITO: Quit it!
SNAKE: Designated hentai, remember?
"You're the first person I thought of calling. Plus, if it doesn't
work, you're tough enough to probably be able to survive the backlash."
Sheila started to pull her jacket back on. "Backlash?" she asked
in a remarkably calm tone.
"Well it's not like I've been able to field test it to get all the
bugs out of it," Lina protested. "I'm PRETTY sure that nothing will go
wrong, and the worst case scenario is that we both get hit with a lousy
Manabolt, and you've taken that in the past."
It was true, but it also wasn't something that Sheila cared to
repeat. Still, Lina was so eager... and now she was making puppy dog
eyes at Sheila. Damn my hormones, she thought briefly, then nodded.
"Okay, I'm in."
CONEJITO: It's not nice to put your friends in danger.
SNAKE: Hey, at least Lina told her first. Some wouldn't bother.
"YESSSS!" Lina exulted.
"I don't suppose the ritual involved is Tantric in nature?" Sheila
quipped.
"Uh... what's that?" Lina asked, blinking.
SNAKE: That's it, tease the unstable magician.
CONEJITO: Hey, what is Tantric anyway?
SNAKE: I'm not your father, woman. Exactly. Pick it up on the street.
"Never mind," Sheila sighed, pulling off her jacket. "What do I
have to do?"
"Just stand in... uh, THAT circle," she pointed. Sheila went where
SNAKE: Might want to use 'Lina' instead of 'she' to begin the paragraph.
CONEJITO: Oh, we are not going to go there. This fic was written by two
writers who are better than our author, and passed through a whole lot of
prereaders. Let's just leave grammar and structure alone, and concentrate
on the funny comments.
SNAKE: If that's how you want it.
CONEJITO: Besides, English was never my best subject.
SNAKE: Well, we can't all be evil geniuses.
she was bidden, being careful to not disturb the carefully traced lines.
For all the Inverted Wizard's sneering comments about ritual, she had
obviously applied herself very carefully to the steps involved in this
one.
Lina took her place in the large circle at the center of the
diagram. "What this should do is... well, it's kind of a reverse
exorcism. It will banish me and everything in this circle away from the
continuum which you and everything in your circle is native to, back to
my native continuum."
Sheila nodded. "Sounds logical. Start anytime you're ready."
SNAKE: Take a good look, Sheila. This may be that last of home you see
for quite some time.
Lina took a deep breath, and began to speak softly and forcefully,
calling her attention to the forces of the universe and asking, not
demanding, their assistance in this manner.
The problem with the forces of the universe is that they tend to be
easily annoyed by unexpected requests.
SNAKE: Oh, they can be quite cooperative if you're the right person. The
trick is to make sure they're good and afraid of you.
CONEJITO: (looking directly at the camera) Don't listen to him. Someone
always gets hurt that way. Just be nice and have a good reason.
SNAKE: I'm not arguing. That's certainly the more benevolent approach.
The first indication that Sheila had that something was going wrong
was when the lines of the diagram began to melt. She looked at Lina
and
realized that her face was taut with strain, sweat poring from her face
even as she chanted. "Lina, stop the spell, NOW," she barked. Lina was
beyond hearing, however.
> Sheila started to search for some way to disrupt the process. In
her right pocket -- ah-HA! -- a pen. She held it like a dart, with the
blunt end directed at Lina's forehead. The hardest part of this, she
thought with dark amusement, will be throwing it SLOW enough that it
doesn't penetrate her braincase. Oh well.
SNAKE: Remind me never to get into a darts game with that woman.
CONEJITO: Consider it noted. You don't always have to win every game
you play, you know.
SNAKE: Yeah, yeah.
The pen darted towards Lina's head, just as her eyes blazed open
and she let out a long breath. "Stopped i--" she said.
It hit.
The magical energies that Lina had managed to grasp and hold back
went wild with her loss of consciousness, and the world fell away from
Sheila. She had the sensation, for a few horrifying moments, of falling
for infinity, and then everything went black.
*****
SNAKE: Why is it always fade to black? Why not mauve or maybe
indigo?
Conejito gets up from her seat, draws Snake's sword, knocks him over
the head with the flat, and then returns it to the sheath. This is all
accomplished in one smooth, well-practiced motion.
CONEJITO: Sorry, but you were just being obnoxious.
SNAKE: I got desperate. There's not enough riffable material on the really
good fics.
The Moon Kingdom
c. 23,000 BC
Athena, Senshi of Mercury, slowly opened her eyes and greeted a new
day. She stretched and then smiled as her hands met two warm bodies
on
either side of her. Somehow she and Innana had gotten between Kunzite
and Zoisite. Not that she minded. She knew the soft feel of a woman's
skin just as well as the hard muscles of a male. Very hard, she thought
with a grin that would have made Zoisite tremble had he seen it.
SNAKE: May I?
CONEJITO: (sigh) Unleash hentai.
SNAKE: Hentai unleashed. Whoa momma!
She considered waking them in her best fashion, but nature was
making its usual demands, so she decided to take care of it first. She
slowly wriggled her way out from between the tangled mess of bodies,
pausing only briefly to run her hands over this or that part of
someone's anatomy. Finally, she got out and took care of her business.
She was just about to get back into the bed when there was a faint
knock at the door. She sighed and went to answer it.
SNAKE: The bodily functions were a bit of a turnoff, but still! (notices a
strange look on Conejito's face) Associate of mine, you feeling alright?
CONEJITO: It's just that seeing Amy in bed with Kunzite and Zoicite...
It's freaking me out!
SNAKE: That isn't Amy.
CONEJITO: You can say that again!
The pageboy outside nearly jumped out of his skin as she opened the
door. Athena's eyes twinkled as the poor boy tried to keep his eyes
level with her face and not look at the rest of her unclothed body.
"Yeeeees?" she asked, drawing the word out slowly.
"Um, the Elder Mercury wishes to, er, see you... in her lab!" he
blurted out, his cheeks red with embarrassment.
"Oh, bother," Athena said. "I was just getting up." She yawned
and stretched shamelessly. Before the page could respond, she leaned
close to him, holding his frightened eyes with her own. "Do thou go and
tell her that I wilt be along shortly," she said.
SNAKE: Yet another advanced society that can't manage telephones.
CONEJITO: Maybe that sort of thing is harder in a magic based society.
SNAKE: Or it could be a status thing. 'We could put in an internal
communication system, but we're rich enough to have servants devoted to
carrying messages.'
(pauses, then seems to recollect)
SNAKE: Oh yeah. Woo-hoo. Pageboy gets an eyeful
The pageboy turned and ran off, but not fast enough to avoid a swat
on the rear by an amused Athena. "Certes, yon boy hath potential, once
he gaineth some seasoning," she said.
"Teasing the help again, dear?" came an amused voice from behind
her. Zoisite wrapped his hands around her waist and leaned down to kiss
and nibble on her neck.
SNAKE: Bah, such a decadent society. Ripe for conquest. (notices
another look from Conejito) Conquest that people like you and me must
defend them from, I mean.
CONEJITO: Let's not judge based on one oversexed senshi's bedroom.
"Ooooh," Athena murmured. "Tis just mine Elder, who wishest to
see
me." She turned in Zoisite's grasp and began to kiss his chest.
"Shouldn't you be going, then?" he asked, his breathing growing
more ragged.
"In a moment," she answered, pushing him back in the room and
kicking the door closed behind her.
Half an hour later, Athena knocked on the door to her mentor's lab,
garbed in the uniform of Senshi Mercury. She had learned from long
experience that it was better to be safe than sorry where the Elder
Mercury was concerned.
SNAKE: They skipped a full-blown sex scene. Probably just as well. This
hentai stuff is _hard_! I just don't have the natural talent of guys like
Mackie. Are you sure you couldn't...
CONEJITO: No!
"Enter!" came from within the lab and the doors opened magically.
The room was filled with the tools of magic and gadgets of science.
Something was always bubbling, glowing, burning, or emitting noxious
fumes, though the room's mistress never seemed to mind.
The Elder Mercury was a short, beautiful woman with long fiery red
hair and a slightly distracted look about her. Athena paused to study
her mentor, whose slim, boyish figure was quite attractive, though her
tastes did not run the same way as Athena's, or at least not as far.
SNAKE: I'm telling you, it's a rule! Would I make something like that up?
There was a touch of the exotic in the Elder Mercury's looks as well,
for her eyes were almond-shaped and her ears slightly pointed, the signs
of a touch of fae blood.
"Ah, Athena," Elder Mercury said. "Good, good. I need your help
with a small experiment."
CONEJITO: Those words never brought anything good.
Athena sighed. "I was involved in an experiment of mine own
making
just now," she said. "Twas rudely interrupted by thy summons."
"Oh? What was it about?"
"The conjunction of heavenly bodies."
"Any results?"
"Well, the earth moved," Athena said with a sly grin that
disappeared as her innuendo flew right over her teacher's head. "I
think it doth require more intensive study," she said.
"Well, it's good to see you keeping up with your studies," Elder
Mercury said as she puttered around her lab.
CONEJITO: Some people just don't get it.
SNAKE: Maybe she's just pretending. Sometimes it's easier to let the
peons think they're getting away with being clever than it is to laugh at the
joke.
CONEJITO: Peons?! You're supposed to help your successor and prot�g�.
SNAKE: Well if you're a good person, yes.
"What doth ye require of me?" Athena finally asked.
"Oh, it's most exciting," Elder Mercury said. "My instruments have
detected a most interesting phenomenon. It seems to be something -- or
someone -- traveling through the very fabric of space and time."
"From Beyond the Great Shield?" Athena asked, startled.
"No, no. There is no Dark Power associated with it," Elder Mercury
said dismissively, then she added, "I think."
CONEJITO: Great Shield? Dark Powers?
SNAKE: Don't worry about it. Nothing to do with our universe, and it's
not important to the fic. Some freaky stuff. That universe always used to
make me a little nervous.
CONEJITO: Memories from before?
SNAKE: Mmhmm. I did cosmic then.
That was reassuring, Athena thought. "Mine question doth remain,
good teacher," she said. "What doth ye require of me?"
"We," Elder Mercury said, "are going to capture this thing for
study."
Athena blinked. "That doth seem more dangerous than prudence
should dictate. E'en if the means was present--"
"Oh, tish tosh, we have the means right here," Elder Mercury said,
tossing something at Athena. It was small, faceted, and glowed with a
silver light.
The younger Mercury nearly dropped it. "Thou STOLE the--"
SNAKE: Heh. (sings) Somebody's in trouble!
CONEJITO: (growing pale) The Silver Crystal is dangerous! You can
really get hurt. I can't believe someone who's supposed to be so smart
would do something so dumb.
SNAKE: This isn't exactly the last time someone messes with the thing in
this fic. Didn't you read it ahead of time?
CONEJITO: I skimmed.
"Shhhhhh! Not so loud!" Elder Mercury hissed. "I did NOT steal
the Empyrean Silver Crystal. I borrowed it for study. The Queen has
let me study it before."
"Methinks that those permissions were not unlimited in their scope
nor encompassing this purpose," Athena muttered. However, her mentor
was notoriously single-minded when it came to her projects and she
knew
the Elder Mercury hadn't even considered that Queen Serenity might
object.
SNAKE: Serenity can really get touchy about stuff like that. She didn't let
anybody get away with anything. Of course, this is a different universe.
"What was that, Athena?" Elder Mercury said.
"Nothing, teacher," Athena said, carefully putting the Silver
Crystal down on a nearby table.
"No, no, keep a hold of that. We'll need it."
Athena began to feel a tingling in her hands from holding the
Crystal, like electric sand ants were crawling under her skin.
SNAKE: Feels sweet, doesn't it?
CONEJITO: Snake!
SNAKE: Sweet but ultimately unhealthy.
"What doth ye propose?" Athena asked, her accent deepening as the
tingle got worse.
"When my devices detect this traveler's 'closest' approach, you
will project your will into the Crystal and pull it into our world, into
that binding circle," Elder Mercury said, pointing at the only clear
section of the lab. A pentagram in a circle was inscribed in the floor,
inlaid with precious gems and metals.
CONEJITO: We just saw this scene and it didn't turn out so well.
SNAKE: In my day, we didn't mess around with all that junk on the floor.
CONEJITO: Snake, sometimes you sound like such an old man.
The tingling was now moving up her arms and Athena twitched in a
vain attempt to relieve it. "Surely your greater power would better
meet this task," she began.
"No, no! I need to watch my instruments. Don't worry, this slight
exposure to the Silver Crystal won't hurt you at all."
SNAKE: And smoking does not cause cancer.
CONEJITO: And wrestling is not faked.
Athena opened her mouth to complain about the tingling when one of
the crystals on the table before Elder Mercury began to chime.
"It's time!" Elder Mercury said, grabbing several other crystals
and wands of certain rare woods. "Hurry! Project your will into the
Crystal and bring it to us!"
Athena had no intention of doing any such thing, but the Crystal
CONEJITO: So she's not totally air-headed after all. At least there's some
Amy in her.
had other ideas. It began to strobe brilliantly, filling the room with
its silver light. The tingling covered her whole body and as she raised
her hand before her eyes, it seemed to have a silver sheen. Dimly, she
heard Elder Mercury shouting something but then everything vanished
into
whiteness.
CONEJITO: And away we go. Where we stop only the author knows.
When her eyesight returned, Elder Mercury could only gape in
surprise at the spot where her student had stood. She was gone and the
Silver Crystal with her. That thought was only beginning to sink into
her stunned brain when she felt a presence behind her. Turning, she
found herself facing the enigmatic Guardian of Time, Sailor Pluto.
"It has begun," the green-haired woman said with a satisfied nod.
She then vanished with a wave of her Time Staff leaving the Elder
Mercury with many questions, no answers, and a LOT of explaining to do.
SNAKE: Bitch.
CONEJITO: (getting up from her chair again) You take that back! Pluto
is one of the finest people I've ever known. She does what she does for
everyone's sake!
SNAKE: I knew more about her than you ever did. If a more cold-hearted,
manipulative individual ever existed....
CONEJITO: She cares; she just tries hard to hide it sometimes. Besides,
how can you possibly say anything bad about her from then?
SNAKE: (looking more subdued) I... She's good at what she does. It just
that she's seemed kind of arrogant and-
CONEJITO: Look, Pluto does what she has to keep time running right. At
least she's on the right side!
Conejito stops abruptly as she sees that Snake's eyes are squeezed
tightly shut. His fingers dig into his palms and a pained expression has
replaced his normally cheery look.
SNAKE: You're right. Compared to me... I shouldn't presume to judge
someone else. You can't trust my judgment. I just don't like seeing other
people pushed around like that.
CONEJITO: No, I didn't mean it like that! It's just that everything was
twisted for you before. I think your memories might be colored by what
you were like back then. I trust your judgment now. After all we've been
through, I believe in you.
Snake says nothing, still trying to regain control of himself. The fanfic
remains on pause while Conejito walks over and gently comforts him. It
takes a while before he's calm.
*****
The Bazaar, Deva
Yeah, I got the time. What's it worth to yez?
CONEJITO: I've never heard of this place before.
SNAKE: Don't go there unless you have a lot of money and no problems
with losing it all.
The first thing that Sheila noticed, as she regained consciousness,
was just how much her head hurt. It was worse than the first time she'd
been drawn out of coldsleep, worse than the hangover she'd had after the
party her mother had thrown when Sheila had gotten her Master's, and
almost as bad as she'd felt after sobbing herself to sleep the night
after...
CONEJITO: Gee, if I got a Masters I sure wouldn't be sobbing myself to
sleep the next night. Come to think of it, a Bachelors is enough to make
me feel great.
SNAKE: Eh, I believe sobbing herself to sleep was in reference to a
different instance, one so horrible should could only bear to refer to it with
an ellipse.
CONEJITO: Now what could make someone... Relationship problems.
Must be.
SNAKE: Voice of experience?
CONEJITO: Oh yes. Nobody can make you feel as bad as someone you
love.
She shook her head, deciding not to think about it. It was getting
better. That was when she noticed the smell, and let out a disgusted
gag. Sweet Goddess, she thought, have I landed in some sort of
landfill? She pushed herself up from her prone position, and looked
around, cautiously. She was in some sort of an "alley" that formed
between two canvas walls -- tents.
There was a substantial collection of trash dumped unceremoniously
in the alley. Sheila muttered a particularly foul oath that she'd
picked up from her mother. In Crystal Tokyo recycling wasn't just a
good idea it was a necessity. The six hundred years of the Dark Ages
had slowed, but never STOPPED humanity's exploitation of the planet's
resources. The majority of Earth's people that had agreed to the
Unification had done so as much out of desperation for resources as out
of gratitude for Serenity's expulsion of the daemon-spawn that had
plagued them. As the thirtieth century approached its close, things
were no longer that bad... but Sheila never stopped being appalled by
the WASTE that earlier eras had tolerated.
CONEJITO: Wow. It seems like Serenity really whipped the earth into
shape.
SNAKE: (trying to sound encouraging) I'm sure she's not the only one
who could have done it.
CONEJITO: Mmmm.
SNAKE: Anyway, recycling is overrated. Don't they know 'garbage in
garbage out'?
Lina was nowhere to be seen in the alley. Sheila quickly came to
her feet, and started to head towards the street she could see beyond
the alley's exit, when the groan finally reached her ears.
She whirled, and saw a pair of blue-booted legs sticking out of one
of the larger piles of trash a few meters away. Suddenly the trash
shifted, and the woman to whom the legs were attached rolled into a
seated position, with an irate expression on her face. "Thanks ever so
much, oh my Elder," she muttered, "for granting me such a central role
in thy plan."
SNAKE: Betcha she wouldn't have said that to her face.
Sheila gaped for a moment. The short-cropped blue hair and
slightly rounded face were unmistakable, even if her uniform hadn't
been. "Aunt Amy?" she gasped. "What are you doing here?"
Athena, in her turn, twisted to look at the one who was addressing
her. She could not say that she had ever seen her before, and regretted
it immensely. The unruly mass of red curls on top of the woman's head
contrasted with the tight, long braid of hair that was currently draped
in front of her shoulder in a MOST appealing manner. Following that
braid drew Athena's attention to her... ahem, "talent," to use a rather
annoying Jovian euphemism that had enjoyed great popularity when >
Jupiter
had first used it not long after her arrival at the Moon Kingdom.
She was dressed in extremely odd attire, however -- an open, oddly
HEAVY doublet, blue in shade, over a tight red blouse. Her hosiery was
white in color, and hugged the lengths of her legs tightly down to just
above her ankles. Her footwear resembled the sandals that Venus wore,
save for the fact that they were black-hued.
SNAKE: Like someone who's uniform is a fuku has room to talk.
CONEJITO: There's a good reason for those uniforms!
SNAKE: Oh?
CONEJITO: Yes! It's... I don't remember right now, but I'm sure it was a
darn good reason. Don't _you_ know?
SNAKE: After my time. I think. Damn swiss cheese memory.
Athena was oddly bothered by the fact that the woman was staring at
her as though she knew her. "Do I know you, madam?" she said in a
haughty manner, imitating her cousin Aurora momentarily, to give
herself
time to think, to consider whether she HAD met this woman before. She
started with her first governess, whom she'd seduced on her thirteenth
birthday, and considered each of her dalliances with other women. The
problem was that they tended to blur together...
SNAKE: Hah! And they say _men_ are the ones to think of sex a thousand
times a day.
Sheila blinked. Oh, CRAP. What if this is Amy from further back
along the timeline, from before I was born? She didn't know that the
Senshi had ever gone dimensional traveling, but she didn't know that
they hadn't, either. Even her mother tended to brush off her requests
for information about their cases after the destruction of the Dark
Kingdom. "Oh, excuse me. I... you look a bit like a relative of mine,
CONEJITO: Well you have to be careful about that temporal paradox stuff.
Or so I'm told.
and I got confused. Are you all right?"
Athena nodded. "I confess that I am a bit... out of sorts in the
wake of... whatever has just occurred. But I am rude to thee. I am
Mercury, Senshi of the Moon Kingdom. And you?" Something about
her
features DID resonate within her mind, but Athena was fairly certain
that she bore no resemblance to any of the complicated branches of the
Martian nobility.
CONEJITO: Why Martian nobility in particular?
SNAKE: Search me. Must be one of those parallel universe things.
Sheila quietly prayed that nothing of the shock that she felt
showed on her face. Goddess and Thy Daughter, the SILVER
MILLENIUM!
Sheila had always accepted her mother's and her aunts' accounts of the
prehistoric civilization that had been the origin of their powers. She
knew full well about the archaeological discoveries that had confirmed
that human civilization was far older than had been commonly accepted
in
the century before her birth. But to actually be talking to --
SNAKE: Ah, it wasn't all that.
Wait a minute.
"Um, atashi wa Ten'kai Shaala desu. Hajimemashite," Sheila
answered in her rusty mother language.
"Douzo yoroshiku," Athena replied, smiling. Shaala? That name
DOES sound familiar, for some reason. Wait, wasn't that the name of a
Senshi of Mars from a few hundred years ago? Oooh, I almost wish that
I'd paid more attention to that section of my history class instead of
trying to get into the instructor's toga. Almost.
HOW? How can someone from ten thousand years before the common
era
speak the Japanese that was being spoken in the twentieth century?
Sheila wondered, almost on the verge of panic. Wait... maybe the Senshi
of the Silver Millennium had telelinguistic capability. It might be
necessary for them to do their duties. "Would you like a hand getting
up?"
CONEJITO: Why-
SNAKE: Again, search me. Though I do wonder why Sheila chose to try
20th century Japanese.
What an opening, Athena marveled. "Thank you, yes." She extended
up a hand, and prepared herself to manipulate the balance between them
in such a way as to catapult herself into a close embrace with the
slightly taller woman.
SNAKE: Oh, um, yeah baby.
CONEJITO: You suck at this.
SNAKE: I know. I just can't seem to properly embrace the hentai. Are
you sure you don't want to give it a-
CONEJITO: I told you no!
Unfortunately, Athena seriously underestimated Sheila's strength.
For a second, she was slightly awed by the amount of power and restraint
that she felt in Sheila's hand gripping her own... and then her slight
push threw them both off. Sheila went stumbling back onto the ground,
with Athena lying on top of her, with her head in between Sheila's
breasts.
Sheila's last thought before she passed out was quite simple. Oh
Goddess, I think she tried to cop a feel on me. Ryouko's gonna kill me.
Athena let out an annoyed snort as she watched Sheila's eyes slam
shut. "Thou," she said, "hast no tolerance for pain whatsoever, hast
thou? Foo. That rules out any number of games..."
SNAKE: I think the passing out was more because of shock.
CONEJITO: Well, duh.
It was at that point that the part of Athena's mind that HAD
accepted and taken to heart the Elder Sailor Mercury's teachings grabbed
hold of the parts which were entirely given to avoiding loneliness by
the pursuit of carnal pleasure, and shook them violently with a
reminder.
"The Silver Crystal!" Athena hissed, terrified. She rolled off of
Sheila's unconscious body, and began to search furiously through the
pile of garbage into which she had fallen.
The Crystal was nowhere to be found.
CONEJITO: Yet another set of words that never mean anything good.
SNAKE: I'll second that. Unless you're the one that took it, of course.
CONEJITO: Snake!
*****
A little under a kilometer away, Lina Inverse found herself
regaining consciousness under much the same circumstances as Sheila
had.
Except that her headache was a LOT worse.
"Rackafrackin' not-trusting interfering sailor Senshi wannabe," she
mis-characterized Sheila in a low mutter. Wherever in all the
multiverse she'd wound up as a result of the miscast ritual, it didn't
have the feeling of home. In other words, she was stranded. Again.
SNAKE: I think we both know _that_ feeling, associate of mine.
CONEJITO: Definitely.
Lina decided to pout for a few seconds, during which she stared at
the multi-faceted silver whatsis that was lying a few feet away.
A second passed.
Then another.
Then yet another.
"Y'know, I think Sheila must have hit me harder than I thought,
'cause that thing sure as hell looks like the Silver Crystal," Lina
commented to no one in particular.
Still another second passed, and then Lina's hand stretched out and
grabbed the Silver Crystal, staring at in stunned amazement. "I'll be
dipped in -- IT IS! THIS IS THE KEY TO THE UNIVERSE!"
CONEJITO: I've never seen why everybody gets so excited about that
thing. It seems like more trouble than it's worth.
SNAKE: The strange thing is, I know you're telling the perfect truth when
you say that.
"Yeah, from what we can tell, you're probably right. So why don't
you make life easier for yourself and just hand it over, okay?"
Lina whirled, not letting go of the Crystal for one second.
Standing behind her was a group of five creatures -- they were tall,
vaguely reptilian beings with reddish skin and horned heads -- all
dressed in wizardly apparel.
And then Lina realized something, and smiled. While this place,
this world, was not home... its magic had far more in common with her
native world's magic than Crystal Tokyo's did.
And Lina Inverse was very, very good at magic.
"Make me," she sneered at the Deveels, and prepared for combat.
SNAKE: I think someone needs to learn about checking out your enemy's
level of power before picking a fight.
CONEJITO: Lina or the Deveels?
SNAKE: All of them.
*****
After the initial panic, Athena got a hold of herself.
"Now, the situation couldst be worse," she said to herself.
"Verily, the Silver Crystal tis lost, and I am stranded far from home,
but the scenery is nice." Her gaze dropped back to the unconscious
Sheila. "Very nice." She then shook her head. "I must see if she
knows where the Crystal is and where we are," she said. Then a
mischievous gleam appeared in her eyes. "Perhaps I can rouse the
maiden
in the traditional manner." With that, she knelt between Sheila's legs
and leaned forward to plant a very intimate kiss on her unresisting
lips.
Sheila was struggling back to consciousness when she became aware
of a VERY pleasant sensation. It must be Misa, her befuddled mind
thought and it surged back toward the realm of wakefulness. Someone
was
kissing her, a very feminine and enthusiastic someone, and Sheila
SNAKE: Oh thank the spirit of space!
CONEJITO: What?
SNAKE: Well it's just that when it said Athena was bending down between
Sheila's legs and kissing her on the "lips" I thought maybe... Uh, let's just
get back to the fics. (adds under his breath) I knew I should have
recruited a guest hentai.
returned the favor with vigor, her tongue dueling playfully with her
partner. Then the other person pulled back and Sheila opened her eyes.
"Thou art most definitely awake, hmmm?" Athena purred. Sheila's
kiss was the kiss of someone who was experienced with pleasing another.
That opened up all sorts of intriguing possibilities.
"Ack!" was all Sheila could say. AUNT AMY kissed me! And she
was
really, really good at it!
SNAKE: Oh, Mackie should definitely have been here for this one. He's
the incest specialist.
CONEJITO: She's not really Sheila's aunt, you know. Even if she were
from the right universe, she wouldn't be really Sheila's aunt.
SNAKE: I think you miss the point.
"Mayhap you are not quite restored," Athena purred, excited by the
mix of confusion and arousal she saw on Sheila's face. She must be
unversed in the love of a woman... and I do love to educate the
ignorant. She moistened her lips and lowered them to Sheila's again.
"Um, no! No! I'm quite awake!" Sheila stammered, pulling away as
fast as she dared. Remember, this isn't Aunt Amy... but, man, I thought
Misa was bad!
CONEJITO: It looks like the mature, responsible part of Athena went back
to sleep.
SNAKE: Like you've never let an urgent situation slide for private
concerns.
Athena just smiled and rested her hand on Sheila's thigh. "Perhaps
then thou might answer a few questions for me? Where am I? Is this thy
home?"
Sheila took a good look around, trying unsuccessfully to ignore
Athena's hand. "Um, no, I don't think so. I was involved with a spell
to return someone from my world to her own... maybe she sent me there
instead."
"Ah, so twas thy spell mine Elder detected. We tried to intercept
thou as thy spell traveled by our world, but it seems the Crystal sent
me along with thee."
CONEJITO: Maybe she's guessing she dropped the crystal back in her
home universe. That's why she's not very worried.
"Um.... Mercury... I don't mean to pry, but where did you pick up
that accent?"
SNAKE: Can you have an accent when using telelinguistic ability?
CONEJITO: Guess so. Maybe it's more of an attitude thing.
"Why? Dost thou not like it?" Athena mock-pouted and was very
pleased to see her companion flush.
"No, no, it's not that... I mean... well, on MY world, there is a
Senshi Mercury who looks a LOT like you." But if Aunt Amy kisses
anything like you, I'll be VERY temp--surprised! I'll be surprised!
"Oh? Very interesting. I wouldst like to meet thy Mercury some
day, to see what similarities we might have."
CONEJITO: She's taking the whole 'another world with alternate version
of you' thing pretty well.
SNAKE: I'm surprised, but from a different direction. You'd think she
would be insanely curious and want to pump Sheila for information. Thus
the folly of being led around by your sex drive, I suppose.
Not too many, I would wager, Sheila thought. And Ryouko would
definitely kill me if I brought you home.
SNAKE: I thought she and Ryouko were enemies. Wouldn't anything that
would upset her nemesis be filling Sheila with joy?
Then something Athena had said percolated to the top of her mind.
"Wait a second, did you say 'Crystal?' As in Silver Crystal?"
Athena's hand stopped rubbing Sheila's thigh and her face became
guarded. "Yea. How doth thee know of it?"
"My world also has one."
"Ah. Well, mine is not here, so mayhap it stayed behind on my
world."
CONEJITO: Like they could get that lucky.
Suddenly, a bright explosion of silver light filled the sky.
"I wouldn't go and place any bets on that," Sheila said.
The two young women exchanged glances and took off at a run.
*****
The world of Deva trembled.
SNAKE: From that?! No, to make even a small world actually tremble all
over you'd need to up the power by a factor of at least-
CONEJITO: Snake, I think that was just a little authorial hyperbole.
SNAKE: (turning red) Right, I knew that.
"Yeah! Take that! And that! Oh, you want some of this, too?"
Lina Inverse was enjoying herself.
Ever since her arrival in Crystal Tokyo, she had heard horror
stories about the Silver Crystal and how it exacted a horrible price of
anyone who tried to use its power and that it would only fully work for
the Royal line of the Moon Kingdom. Those tales seemed false,
however,
for it practically seemed to be EAGER to give her the power she needed.
So she used it. Again and again and again. The gathered wizards of
Deva were blown away like scarecrows in a hurricane and Lina just
threw
her head back and laughed at their pitiful magic.
"Enough!" yelled a voice finally.
Lina paused, the Silver Crystal still clenched tightly in her hand.
A Deveel in very rich robes (but not wizard's robes) was gesturing
plaintively to her. She was also, she noted, standing in the center of
a vast circle of devastation. Even she was impressed with how much
damage she had done. She hadn't been able to cut loose like that since
her arrival in Crystal Tokyo and it felt GOOD.
SNAKE: I know that feeling.
"Oh, Great and Powerful Sorceress, I am Hay-ner of the Deva
Merchants' Association. Please, we pray of you, have mercy on our poor
shops. We will grant you anything in our power if you would just leave
us in peace."
Several of the non-Deveels in the crowd gasped at that.
Hmmm. Maybe THEY can get me home, Lina thought. Her mystical
senses (which also seemed to be enhanced by the Crystal) had already
told her that a LOT of dimensional traveling was going on in this place.
And besides, that 'Great and Powerful Sorceress' stuff sounded pretty
good. She adopted a haughty and imperial attitude.
CONEJITO: Bad idea letting flattery get to you. If somebody's telling you
how great you are, they probably won't mean it. Your real friends help you
deal with your flaws.
SNAKE: Thank-you for today's 'Sailor Says' segment.
CONEJITO: Like you haven't done a few 'sailor says' yourself.
"I was attempting to return home when I was accosted by several
thugs who thought they knew magic," she said. "However, I am
uncertain
of my way home... though I have the power to get there, of course."
"We can provide you with the means to find your home, oh Great and
Powerful Sorceress, if you would but promise to not damage our places of
business," Hay-ner was quick to put in.
Hmmm, sounds like a good deal, Lina thought. "Agreed."
Unfortunately, Lina had never heard of a famous saying in the
Bazaar: When you think you've gotten a good deal from a Deveel, check
your arms, then your legs... and then your relatives.
SNAKE: For us males, there are other important parts to be checked.
Snake sees Conejito bury one of her hands in the shadows concealing
her face.
SNAKE: There hasn't been any hentai in the last couple of paragraphs. I
think I'm going into withdrawal.
Two Deveels in cheap suits sidled forward with literally reams of
paper. "Sign here, here, and here," they said, putting the yellowed
documents in her hands.
"Wait, what is all this?" Lina said, trying to make sense of the
squiggly marks that she assumed was writing.
"Oh, just a binding contract," they chorused.
Lina debated asking for a translation, but that would mean
admitting the Great and Powerful Sorceress couldn't read it, and she
wasn't about to do THAT. "Fine, fine," she muttered, and signed where
they indicated.
SNAKE: Dumb move. If you're powerful enough to have them completely
at your mercy, why bother signing contracts? Just tell them to do or die.
CONEJITO: Having paperwork to back you up can be oddly comforting.
"Good. Now, one moment, as we find your way home," Hay-ner said,
turning to a very old-looking Deveel in a robe of black silk covered
with silver arcane runes. The old Deveel listened carefully and then
began to mutter and gesticulate. Lina watched in interest.
Maybe they're going to open a portal right here, she thought. Or
summon some sort of spirit who will speak in annoying riddles as to how
I get back home.
Lina was almost looking forward to that. She had ways of making
spirits talk plainly, she thought as she cracked her knuckles.
The robed Deveel's spell seemed to be reaching a climax. As Lina
watched, a great circle of darkness opened in the air before him.
Suddenly, a great circle of darkness opens in the MST theater.
SNAKE: Looks like that other reviewer has finally gotten here! Coming
directly from Chris Davies' "Together Again" universe, everybody put
their hands together and give a warm welcome....
The portal spits out Sailor Mars. She's transformed and in full
uniform, with a patch over one eye. She tumbles head over heel until
crashing into one of the theater seats.
SNAKE: ...to Sailor Mars!
Conejito lets out a small gasp and starts to move towards Mars. Snake
shakes his head at her, and she hesitates before returning to her seat.
Meanwhile Mars sits up, rubbing an obviously sore head.
MARS: Where am I?
SNAKE: You're in the MST theater, Lady Mars. You've been brought here
to help review "The Crosstime Adventures of Athena and Sheila or
Buckaroo Ten'kai Across the Many Dimensions"
MARS: I am? When did agree to that?
CONEJITO: In your personal timeline, I think you're going to agree
tomorrow, Raye.
SNAKE: Don't worry about it. To preserve dimensional stability and
general sanity, everybody generally gets memory wiped at the end of these
things. I think.
MARS: Wait. This is about that sorceress Lina and Sheila and all that?
But that just happened! I just finished putting Serenity to bed.
SNAKE: To bed? Oh, did you take _extra care_ in tucking her in?
Mars shoots him a murderous look, and he quickly makes a peace sign
with his hands.
SNAKE: Not my fault! I'm the designated hentai for the group. It's my job
to make disgusting remarks. Anyway, you were brought in to provide an
insider's perspective on all this.
MARS: Who are you two, anyway?
SNAKE: I am called Snake, and this is my associate, whom you may refer
to as Conejito.
MARS: (gives Snake a suspicious glance) Do I know you from
somewhere?
SNAKE: (visibly nervous) Ah, we may have met in passing once, but we
don't know each other.
MARS: (turning to Conejito) So what's going on?
CONEJITO: Lina tried to return to her home dimension, but the ritual
went bad and Sheila ended up being sucked in along with her. Athena, the
Silver Millenium Sailor Mercury of another universe got pulled away when
she participated in an experiment to monitor the dimensional disturbance.
Also pulled away was that universe's version of the Silver Crystal. They all
ended up in the Bazaar at Deva. Now Athena is hitting on Sheila, while
Lina has gotten her hands on the Crystal and is using it to force the
Deveels to find her a way home.
Conejito pauses to hyperventilate.
CONEJITO: That was a mouthful.
MARS: If I'm going to say I'll do it, I might as well. Besides, this will give
me a chance to get all the details that Serenity wouldn't tell me.
SNAKE: Then let's get back to the fanfic!
"Lina!" someone cried.
Lina looked over her shoulder and saw a very out-of-breath Sheila
standing next to Sailor Mercury (she thought.)
"Oh, Sheila! There you are. Hey, look what I found! Ain't it
cool?" She gestured with the Silver Crystal.
"Give that back, thou thief!" Sailor Mercury said, running toward
the sorceress.
"Hey, no biggie," Lina was quick to say, figuring the Senshi and
Palladins were going all over the multiverse looking for the Crystal.
"These guys are finding me a way home."
MARS: Stealing the Silver Crystal is "no biggie"?
SNAKE: How well do you know Lina?
Lina turned back to the portal, eagerly waiting what it would
bring.
The Deveel made one final gesture and someone stepped out of the
portal.
Lina froze.
Skimpy costume, check.
Incredible figure, check.
"Ohohohohohohoho!"
Annoying laugh, check.
Lina reached over and grabbed Hay-ner by the throat. "WHAT is
THIS?" she growled.
CONEJITO: It's a floor wax!
SNAKE: It's a dessert topping!
MARS: It's both!
Mars notices the other two looking at her in surprise.
MARS: What? I can get into the spirit of things.
Hay-ner gasped for breath. "Our magic summoned the one thing in
the multi-verse that would lead you home."
"HER?"
"Results are guaranteed! I don't know how, but she'll get you home
somehow!" the Deveel gasped, his face turning purple.
"Ohohohoho, Lina-chan! Is THIS where you got to?" the newcomer
said in a high-pitched voice.
"Hello, Naga," Lina said between clenched teeth.
SNAKE: Get the impression they didn't part as friends?
MARS: I'm the same way whenever I have to talk to Saotome.
*****
"Um... Lina, is this a friend of yours?" Sheila asked hesitantly,
eyeing the dark-haired woman's attire. It was one thing to go traipsing
around in private like that -- she thought of Misa's collection of
lingerie for a moment, and then furiously got back on track -- but this
place wasn't so temperate that she would have wanted to go wandering
around in a swimsuit.
CONEJITO: This is the same person that earlier claimed to be able to
ignore temperature extremes?
MARS: Sheila has a bigger sense of propriety than she lets on.
"Permit me to introduce myself!" Naga exclaimed. "I am Naga the
Serpent, Lina Inverse's greatest rival and --"
"Oh! Yeah! She mentioned you... you're Gold Fish Shit, right?"
Naga lowered her head and sighed.
CONEJITO: "Goldfish shit"? That's a horrible nickname! I'd never let
people call me that.
SNAKE: Oh, like you haven't had some pretty silly nicknames yourself, eh
Me- (cuts off abruptly as he realizes Mars is standing there)
Mars merely looks confused.
Lina, meanwhile, had slumped down on one of the pillars she had
knocked over during her mild, reasonable, rampage earlier, and was
covering her eyes with her hands. "Not Naga. Anybody but Naga. I'd
rather have to deal with Shabranigido again than Naga. I'd rather marry
Gourry and STILL not get my hands on his sword than have to deal with
Naga."
SNAKE: Well, I can see that it would be pretty horrible to marry a guy and
never get your hands on his "sword".
CONEJITO: I think she was talking about his Sword of Light.
SNAKE: You sure about that?
Under other circumstances, Athena would have responded to that last
bit with a double entendre of her own, whilst trying to chat up this
SNAKE: I like her style.
VERY attractive female who resembled her Elder, but there were
pressing
CONEJITO: Wait a minute. I thought her elder was more Washuu-like
than Lina-like.
MARS: There's a certain resemblance. At least when the Empress is in her
child form.
CONEJITO: Empress?
Snake makes a hush motion.
matters. "Madam, I must repeat my demand that ye give back yon Silver
Crystal at once! 'Tis not a toy for such as ye to be entertaining
thyself with!"
Lina glowered at her. "Look, I said I'd give it back!" And she
handed it over, peaceably.
Or tried. As she thought to do so, an odd thought occurred to her.
Hey, since when does Lady Mercury talk like some courtier? She
doesn't!
She's very formal, but not THAT formal -- this CAN'T be her! No way
am
I giving up this thing to some phony!
"And I will!" she continued. "Just as soon as I find a way home."
MARS: This is very bad. Even knowing how this ends I hate to see it.
"Thou art placing thyself in grave danger merely by possessing it!"
Athena shouted.
Lina stood, genuinely angry now. "Well, maybe I LIKE danger!"
"Okay, okay, calm down!" Sheila interrupted. "Look, let's take
this off the street, find somewhere we can discuss matters --"
"-- over a candlelit dinner, mayhap?" I must get her on my side, I
am ill prepared to go to battle with a wizard of this young girl's power
who hath the Silver Crystal as well!
SNAKE: Eh, she's managing to combine her lust and duty now. That's an
improvement, I suppose.
MARS: That is just so not Amy.
CONEJITO: This is what I've been saying.
Sheila looked around frantically, and then spotted something
utterly out of place. "How about over there?" she said, pointing at the
Yellow Crescent Inn. She stared for a moment at the place she was
pointing. Wait a minute. Yellow Crescent? But I...
"All right," Lina groused, "I am pretty hungry, now that you
mentioned it. You're paying, right?"
"Uh..."
"Let's go," Lina beckoned for Naga to follow, which, not unlike
feces trailing a goldfish, she did. Athena followed as well, determined
to keep an eye on the Crystal, which the sorceress was still holding
tightly onto. Sheila took a few seconds to wonder in blind panic how in
the world a restaurant she'd worked in for a few weeks when she was a
teenager had opened up a franchise in some weird parallel dimension,
and
then took off after them.
CONEJITO: Oh, that's any easy one. There are McDonalds ' everywhere.
SNAKE: In every galaxy and dimension and from the distant past to the
far future. Apparently, the company gets ahold of a time machine at some
point.
MARS: You sound like you've seen them.
CONEJITO: And worked in them. Voice of experience.
SNAKE: Ditto. Though as I remember, we always ended up fired because
_someone_ was sneaking snacks.
"Welcome to the Yellow Crescent Inn, may I take your order?" said
the bored looking gargoyle behind the counter.
"Hum. I'll have an Old Yell, a Y.C.L.T. (whatever that is), a
quarter-pounder with cheese, filet of fish, a hamburger, a cheeseburger,
tasty golden fries, a soft drink, some hot apple pies --"
CONEJITO: This is making me hungry.
SNAKE: Laundry lists make you hungry.
MARS: Heh, Conejito, isn't it? I'm know a few people who were the same
way.
Both Conejito and Snake look away, whistling tunelessly.
"Uh..." the gargoyle interrupted, "I think you should know that we
aren't doing that promotion anymore... you're not gonna get a free meal
If you sing the whole jingle."
"Promotion?" Lina asked, blinking. "Jingle?"
Normally, gargoyles, being stone, do not sweat. This was one of
those days, however. "You mean... you really want all that food? Even
though it's gonna--"
"She's paying," Lina replied, gesturing at Sheila. "Now, where was
I..."
SNAKE: What is a friend, if not someone you can mooch off of?
MARS: Sheila's goodhearted that way. She doesn't really care about
money.
"Ma'am?" he asked Sheila in a weak tone. "I don't mean to offend
or anything but... can you please show me some proof of ability to pay?"
"Sure," Sheila replied, and produced her Crystal Express credit
card. Pluto indicated that she'd gone to some effort to make sure that
these things were valid anywhere in our universe... and others. I
really hope it works.
MARS: Shouldn't, "I really hope it works." be in quotation marks? Or was
she just thinking that.
CONEJITO: You weren't here for that part, Raye. We decided no messing
around with grammar or punctuation. Just the funny comments.
MARS: Fine. Who said you could call me Raye?
CONEJITO: (meekly and a bit sadly) Sorry Lady Mars.
MARS: No, it's alright. For some reason, I don't mind. Call me Raye.
SNAKE: (nervously) Let's just get back to the fic, shall we?
The gargoyle, whose name was Gus, stared at the credit card for a
second. It wasn't a Pervertcard, which was why he wasn't fawning all
over the customers, but something about the name rang a bell. "Just a
second?" he temporized, and checked the clipboard of accepted credit
cards.
In an ancient script near the top of the list, he found it.
"Crystal Express: DEFINITELY accepted. If being used by a green-
haired
humanoid female, give her whatever she wants, and then pray to
whichever
deity you feel so inclined that that's all she asks of you in your
lifetime." Gus shivered.
CONEJITO: I don't get why Pluto scares everyone so much.
MARS: Oh come on. Serenity's the only one I've ever seen really relaxed
around her. She even intimidates me sometimes, and I'm a fellow Sailor.
SNAKE: That goes double if you're up to shady dealings.
"Yes, ma'am, we definitely accept this card," he said aloud.
"Oh good!" interjected Naga. "I'll have one of whatever Lina-chan
is having!"
"Same here," Sheila added.
MARS: Why do they want so much food?
SNAKE: Maybe they don't realize.
CONEJITO: Maybe they're really hungry.
"Goodness, such strange and bizarre foods! Ten'kai, dear, thou
hast eaten in this place ere now... tell me, which of these doth serve
best as an appetizer for... other things?"
CONEJITO: The fries.
SNAKE: By "other things", I don't think she meant more food.
"Awk."
*****
"Lina, you really ought to give it back," Sheila insisted as she
chewed down on her fries.
CONEJITO: Told ya'.
"Look, I don't buy this story about how it's dangerous for anyone
not of royal blood to even touch this gewgaw. I'm touching it, I'm
using it, and I feel fine." Well, except for the hollow feeling in my
gut. But that's just hunger.
SNAKE: That or your soul being slowly devoured.
"Okay, Lina, time for truth... no, touching the Silver Crystal
won't harm anyone--"
"Ah-hah!"
"--directly." She drew in a deep breath. "Do you know why my
mother adopted me, Lina? Why she adopted all my younger brothers
and
sisters? Anyone can touch or even use the crystal, but there's a price
for power. My mother helped Lady Mars to use the crystal once to save
the Princess' life --"
"Eh?" asked Athena.
"--but doing so sent her menstrual cycle into overdrive. She went
through menopause when she was in her TWENTIES. Lady Mars'
reproductive
system was completely burnt out by--"
CONEJITO: Is that true, Raye!?
MARS: It's none of your business, but yes. I've never had children.
CONEJITO: That's horrible. It wasn't worth it. You shouldn't have done
that to yourself!
MARS: It _was_ worth it. I'd have given my life, so just my ovaries were a
bargain.
Conejito shrinks back in her seat and shakes her head. Mars searches
curiously, but Conejito's face remains perfectly concealed in darkness.
"Excuse me," interrupted Athena, "but what thou describes sounds
quite unlike the price of the Crystal that I am familiar with." She
turned to gaze at Lina. "The Crystal grants power, but it makes demands
upon the user as well. The life force of the user becomes more and more
bound unto the Crystal, until she cannot live without it. Yet, to use
it too much is to court disaster, for if all the life force of she who
wields the Crystal is drawn unto it, death is certain as well!"
CONEJITO: I've never gotten why these stupid crystals have to be so hard
to use. If they were going to make the things, why not make them so they
could power themselves off electricity or coal or something? Why does it
always have to be human lifeforce.
SNAKE: They didn't have a whole lot of choice. Though I've sometimes
speculated that our Silver Crystal could be altered to draw from elsewhere
than it's user. But who would ever be allowed to tinker with it to the extent
necessary to find out?
MARS: Besides, for something that powerful it's better that it be hard to
use.
Sheila blinked. But... AUNT AMY told me about the price of the
Crystal. She wouldn't lie to me about something like that. Wait a
minute... oh Goddess, could that be it? This is actually another
world's Mercury, instead of Aunt Amy's earlier incarnation?
MARS: I would have figured it out quicker, but I have nine hundred years
of experience on her.
Hey, that means... NO! Don't GO there!
SNAKE: (hentai mode) No, go there! And bring "toys" with you.
Lina stared at both of them, appalled. "That's crazy! The two of
you can't even get your stories straight, and you expect me to just give
up the Key to the Universe to this spacey flirt who can't even talk like
the real Mercury?"
CONEJITO: She could always give it up to Sheila, who is both her friend
_and_ paying for the meal.
MARS: Lina's just making excuses.
"What problem hast thou with my speech?" Athena bit out.
CONEJITO: Yeah, when I was young I had this friend with a horrible
accent. Did I ever say anything about it? No way!
"No! I won't do it!" Lina shouted, ignoring her.
"Wilt not?" Athena asked. "Or CAN not?"
Lina defiantly held out the hand in which she clenched the Silver
Crystal, and extended it towards Sheila. "You, I trust with this. Her,
I don't. Here," she concluded, and willed her fingers to let go of
their grip.
They refused to obey her.
SNAKE: So she cut it off with a chainsaw!
MARS: What?!
SNAKE: Sorry. Evil Dead II flashback.
For a moment, raw panic suffused Lina's features, but then she got
it under control, and retracted her hand. "On second thought," she said
slowly, "who knows what she might have done to you? The two of you
are
being AWFULLY good friends..."
"Lina, you're being paranoid. Just give me the Crystal and --"
SNAKE: Just because you're paranoid....
MARS: ...doesn't mean you don't have other mental diseases as well.
"Do NOT tell ME what to do!" Lina snapped. "NOBODY tells ME
what
to do!" She stood up, and angrily strode away.
"Lina!" Naga called after her. "Are you gonna finish your fries or
can I have them?"
SNAKE: How does she keep that figure?
CONEJITO: Some of us just have a naturally fast metabolism.
*****
Sheila turned to Athena and tried not to sound as worried as she
felt. "I'm sorry, she's not usually like this, but--"
MARS: But she's being slowly corrupted by the intoxicating sensation of
wielding an artifact of incredible power.
"The Crystal doth affect her mind already. I hath heard stories of
this, but ne'er seen it before. Is she one who finds the practice of
power addicting?"
ALL: Oh hell yeah!
"That's Lina-chan, ohohoho!" Naga interjected with another scary
laugh that caused all the other customers to move away. "She just loves
destructive magic. That means, of course, that she lacks the subtlety
to be a true mage like, say, me."
SNAKE: Subtlety has it's place. There's something to that.
MARS: Or there would be if Naga were a true mage.
Sheila stared at the scantily clad sorceress for a moment and then
had an idea. "Shouldn't you go after her? Make sure she doesn't get
into any trouble she can't handle?"
"Oooh, you're right. That silly little girl will get into all
sorts of trouble without me. Look what's happened to her since she
disappeared!" With that, Naga leapt to her feet and charged out after
Lina.
MARS: Hmmm, I wonder about the time rates. How long was Lina gone
in terms of her own world's time?
"Very nice," Athena commented. "That doth finally leave us alone."
Sheila began to sweat. "Look, Mercury--"
"Thou," Athena said with some emphasis, "may callest me Athena.
Twas my name before I was called to serve as Senshi." She eyed Sheila.
SNAKE: So Mars, if you're letting my associate call you by name, does that
mean you're hitting on her?
Conejito gets up and does the sword-thwapping trick again.
MARS: That was just uncalled for.
"Um, I don't know..." Sheila said, watching Athena as a mouse
watches a cat.
"I have never had a lover from another dimension," Athena purred,
sidling closer.
"Ack!" Sheila almost fell out of the booth. "Look, Athena, I
don't think--"
MARS: She could just say she's already in a relationship. If things didn't
turn so serious later, I'd be getting great teasing material here.
"Dost thou not find me attractive?" Athena pouted.
Oh, goddess... if I say yes, it'll lead to something I'll have a
hard time explaining to Misa. If I say no... I'd be lying my ass off.
SNAKE: So lie.
"It's not that I don't find you attractive," she said, "but...
well, every time I look at you, I see my Aunt Amy."
CONEJITO: Literally, not one of those mental image type deals.
"And that doth bother you?"
SNAKE: Apparently the incest taboo is a bit relaxed in Athena's
dimension. Oh Mackie, where are you when we need you?
"Of course it does!"
"Not as much as ye protest, methinks."
Oh, boy, Sheila thought, her hormones mounting another attack on
her reason. I've got to change the direction of this conversation and
fast. "Look, we need to get the Silver Crystal from Lina. That's more
important, isn't it?"
Athena backed off with a sigh. "Thou art right. Such a task would
be a monumental effort, howe'er. Already her life doth seem to depend
upon it. We must get her to Queen Serenity soon, so that the damage
can
be undone."
"Any ideas as to HOW we do that?"
SNAKE: Knock her over the head and hogtie her?
MARS: It would have saved a lot of trouble. I have to have a talk with
Sheila about the benefits of applied violence.
"This world doth seem overrun with travelers from other dimensions,
and full of merchants to boot. Methinks twould not be hard to buy what
we need."
"That's brilliant!" Sheila exclaimed, seeing the possibilities in
that statement. She might not be lost forever now, and Lina could get
home. She hugged Athena and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You're a
genius!" Then, blushing, she backed off. "Um, sorry, I didn't mean..."
CONEJITO: ...to miss your lips. I'm half-blind without my glasses.
SNAKE: On another level, what's the credit limit on Sheila's card?
"Nay, do not apologize," Athena said with a grin. "I enjoyed that
very much."
I've got to get her and Lina home before she makes me do something
I'll regret, Sheila thought.
SNAKE: Yes... Get them home together, and then you'll have them
_both_!
If we are heading home soon, Athena thought, I must redouble mine
efforts on this lass, for I may never see her again. Twould be such a
pity.
MARS: Did I miss something in the beginning? Is Athena in some sort of
contest?
CONEJITO: No...
SNAKE: But she has scored.
The two headed off into the Bazaar.
*****
Lina stomped down one of the Bazaar's twisting, labyrinthine roads,
if it could be called that. The definition of a road in Deva is
practically "any place not occupied by a business." It was made worse
by the fact that everyone was on foot. The roads, such as they are,
were either muddy or dusty, depending on the weather. The merchants
MARS: The weather varies over the area she can cover walking?
SNAKE: Never been to Deva, have you?
didn't want potential customers to speed past them in some vehicle and
were definitely too cheap to pave a road that didn't need it.
"Oh, Lina-chan!"
With a sigh, Lina turned to face her self-proclaimed rival.
Remember, she told herself, you're the more powerful mage, and you've
faced monsters and challenges that would send serpent-girl running for
the hills. It doesn't matter that she's got a body that would turn on a
blind man. She's petty, vindictive, and REALLY annoying. I've got her
beat where it counts.
SNAKE: Oh she wants Naga. I can tell.
MARS: This is beginning to get annoying.
SNAKE: If you want to take over as designated hentai, I'm up for it.
MARS: No.
As usual, her mantra didn't help when she saw every vaguely
humanoid and vaguely male being salivating over Naga's barely covered
curves.
"Really, Lina-chan, why did you run off like that? I mean, we
haven't seen each other in ages--"
MARS: Well being sucked into a parallel dimension would explain it.
SNAKE: I think this was from before that.
"That is something I LIKED about being trapped in a low-mana
world," Lina snapped.
"Oh? No wonder you need that bauble."
"This is no 'bauble' Naga! Look at it!"
Lina held the Silver Crystal up. At first she was afraid she
wouldn't be able to open her hand again, but as long as she kept a firm
grip on the Crystal, it seemed she could do what she wanted.
CONEJITO: As long as she does what it wants, she can do what she wants.
That makes sense.
SNAKE: Come now. It isn't like the Crystal is intelligent. Her own greed
is all that's trapping her.
Naga focused her senses on the Crystal and gasped. It was rare
that something penetrated her arrogance, but the power levels she sensed
from the small gem were staggering. But a closer evaluation worried her
even more.
"Lina..." she said seriously, "that THING is linked with you."
"I know, it's the only way to use it is to link with it..."
"No, I mean it's sucking hard enough on your soul to give you
spiritual hickeys."
SNAKE: You'd know all about hickeys, eh Naga-chan?
"I'm sure YOU are the expert on that."
SNAKE: You see how hard it is? The authors of this thing already
anticipated 90% of the clever comebacks.
Naga refused to be baited, and that worried Lina more than anything
else did. "Seriously, Lina, it's got its hooks in deep. It looks
almost like a possession..."
Fear turned to suspicion suddenly in Lina. "Oh, I see... you want
to take it from me too, don't you? Well, you can't have it! It's mine!
My precious," Lina said absently, cradling it.
CONEJITO: And the Tolkein parallels become ever more evident. One
wonders if in another version of the story the authors might have included
another party seeking to destroy the Crystal(s) in order to destroy Serenity.
A sort of evil Frodo, if you will. For in this case, the "ring" is not in and of
itself corruptive, but merely...
Conejito abruptly notices Snake staring at her.
CONEJITO: What, I can't read? (to Mars) There's a lot of copies of Lord
of the Rings floating around the multiverse.
"Lina, it's affecting your mind, you have to get rid of it!"
"SHUT UP!" Lina screamed, gesturing at Naga. The Silver Crystal,
sensing her anger, eagerly supplied her the power.
Fizzle.
Lina looked at her hands in shock. That should have been a
Manabolt powerful enough to level a Crystal Tokyo city-block. She
searched with her mystic senses to find the cause.
CONEJITO: We should probably note that Lina isn't really attempting to
kill Naga. She's from one of those dimensions where the inhabitants can
withstand any amount of destructive force as long as it's funny.
SNAKE: Those are fun.
MARS: But you have to watch out of the anvils.
The other two look at her.
MARS: What?
"Why those slimy bastards..." Lina growled. "That contract! They
made me bind my own power!"
SNAKE: Told you.
"One should always read the fine print," said an oily voice behind
Lina. She turned and found Hay-ner standing there. "The contract you
signed locks away your destructive magic while in the Bazaar, in
perpetuity."
Lina punched him in the mouth, knocking him over and into a nearby
stall. "Lock away THAT," she snarled. Then she turned back to Naga.
"Well, I guess I'll have to get creative," she said, raising the
Crystal.
CONEJITO: Go Lina!
MARS: Cheer her while you can.
Naga began to sweat. Whatever that thing was, it was seriously
powerful and Lina was rapidly losing her capacity for reason where it
was concerned. But what really bothered her was the fact that it was
pointed at HER.
The Crystal flared and Naga tried to dodge, but one might as well
try to sidestep a tidal wave.
Lina smirked, looking over what was left of her rival. "Now, I am
OUT of here!" she cried. Holding the Silver Crystal up, she vanished in
a burst of silver light.
SNAKE: That's good. Most evil magicians don't manage such great exits
right off the bat.
CONEJITO: Voice of experience?
SNAKE: Mmmm.
Sheila and Lina ran up moments later. "What happened?" Sheila
cried. "Where's Lina and the Crystal?"
"Here be Naga's clothes, but where is Naga?" Athena said, pointing
at the bundle.
The bundle moved. "I'll tell you where she ith," came a young
voice with a pronounced lisp. An adorably cute little girl with long
purple hair stuck her head out from under Naga's cloak. "She'th gone,
leaving me like thith!" The girl looked no older than 11 or 12 and
wrapped the cloak tightly around her thin, lanky body.
CONEJITO: That didn't quite make sense. Athena asked where Naga was,
and Naga then proceeded to tell them about Lina.
MARS: She's just been deaged. After that you stop worrying about
conversational niceties.
SNAKE: Voice of experience?
MARS: Oh yeah.
"Naga?" Sheila said.
SNAKE: I almost expect to see Doug Helm's name on this fic.
CONEJITO: Who?
SNAKE: Wrote Adventures of the Chibi-Scouts.
*****
"IT'TH NOT FAIR!!!" Chibi-Naga screamed as she pounded the
plastic
covering of the tables back at the Yellow Crescent Inn.
MARS: Life never is.
"Ten'kai, didst thou ever plan to have children?" Athena asked
quietly.
"I had given it some vague thought before this," Sheila replied.
"Verily can I understand why this might cause one to reconsider
such an act," Athena said, nodding.
"You two! Thith ith all your fault!" Naga shouted as she pointed
wildly in their general direction. "If you hadn't brought Lina here,
she wouldn't have done thith to me! You cotht me my breathtth! Of all
the thingth about me, I liked my breathtth the motht!"
MARS: So why isn't she blaming Lina? After all, Lina was not only the
one responsible for bringing her here, she was the one who did the
deaging.
SNAKE: Whatever her rants, it's obvious she really cares about Lina. You
tend to be more forgiving for people you care about.
(catches himself)
SNAKE: Almost forgot. I LIKE YOUR BREASTS THE MOST TOO,
NAGA-CHAN!
Both women bap him.
CONEJITO AND MARS: Don't shout!
Sheila blinked. "Huh?"
"My BREATHTTH!" Naga lisped furiously, pointing at her chest in
emphasis.
Athena rolled her eyes. "Of course. We shouldst be more concerned
about thine attributes than about the prospect of a half-mad sorceress
gamboling about the cosmos with the most powerful magical artifact in
creation at her disposal."
CONEJITO: Like she's one to throw stones. Who's just spent over three-
quarter of her recorded thoughts obsessing about her own sex life?
"YEAH!" Naga agreed, nodding furiously.
"So anyway, you say that you saw this crystal... feeding on Lina's
soul?" Sheila pressed. When Naga nodded, self-pityingly, she turned to
Athena. "That would mean that this IS your Silver Crystal, then.
Apparently, when my world's Crystal exacts its price, it looks like
silver fire is burning into whoever is paying."
MARS: Yep.
SNAKE: Unless it's yellow fire.
CONEJITO: That means you caught a sale on Crystal power and it's only
half price.
Athena frowned, and for a moment Sheila was struck by just how
much
she DID look like Aunt Amy. "And she has used it to slice her own
passage unto another dimension. The situation groweth graver with
every
passing moment, for who can say unto whose hands or talons the Crystal
may fall when it drops from her fingers at her death?" Didn't sound a
thing like her though.
"There is one upside, though," Sheila pointed out. "Unless she
happens to drop in on some library world and bones up on the subject,
she doesn't know anything more about dimensional travel than she did
when she accidentally sent herself from her world to mine the first
time. In other words, she's shooting blind."
SNAKE: And how is that an advantage? If Lina doesn't even know where
she's going, they certainly don't. If they knew she was returning straight to
her own world, they could just go directly there.
CONEJITO: Sheila's a historian. Don't confuse her with logic.
MARS: Sounds like you have a low opinion of historians.
CONEJITO: Haven't you noticed they always get everything wrong?!
MARS: Maybe you have a point.
CONEJITO: And history tests are always the worst.
MARS: Or maybe you don't.
SNAKE: Ladies, if we could get back to the fic?
"'Tis not so much of an advantage as 'twould seem to be," Athena
countered. "Did she have control over her choice of destination, then
could WE deduce wither she were bound from her personality. As it
stands, we are as blind as she is. Nay, moreso."
SNAKE: See?! Athena agrees with me.
MARS: You were just reading ahead.
SNAKE: Was not.
*****
Somewhere else.
Some other time.
The amount of power that Lina had at her disposal was absolutely
amazing. It was almost breathtaking what she could do with it, now that
she had escaped the confines of the binding. No, not breathtaking...
DIZZYING.
That was why her head felt like it did. The power made her dizzy
that's all. Old spell formulae that her old master had tried to teach
her but she just hadn't been able to grasp were finally beginning to
make sense, which probably added to her dizziness.
MARS: And the fact that she was spinning around and around like a
moron. That _really_ added to her dizziness.
Thinking of her master and his fate made Lina swallow. I've got...
I've finally got enough power that nobody will ever be able to do that
to me. Nobody will ever be able to mess with ME again.
SNAKE: Sure you think that. But then one day there's this prophecy and
bang, a hero with more courage than brains is sacrificing their life to
reduce you to a smear all over the landscape.
MARS: (looking mighty suspicious) Voice of experience?
SNAKE: (squirming in his seat) Why no. Of course not.
But I still don't know how to go home.
She rallied. Wait a minute! Sure! I can use this thing to find
my way home! All I have to do is find out a way to use it!
CONEJITO: Sands of time, sands of time, take me back to the boys'
lemonade stand!
Conejito see the expression of Mars' face.
CONEJITO: I was once locked in a room and forced to watch Ducktales
over and over.
SNAKE: Don't worry. The fiend behind that got what he deserved.
MARS: (hesitates) Ahhhh, right.
"Hey, Silver Crystal," she said aloud. "Take me to a place where I
can learn more about your power."
She flashed out.
A second later, the Superdimensional Fortress Macross defolded in
the orbit of Pluto, where she had been standing for a few moments
before.
SNAKE: See? That's what burns me about Pluto. There Lina was and she
could have just-
CONEJITO: I think that was reference to the planet.
MARS: Trans-Neptunian object, as I like to remind my fellow senshi
whenever I see her.
SNAKE: I knew that, really!
MARS: Which? That it was the planet or that it wasn't a planet?
SNAKE: Um, er....
CONEJITO: (taking pity) Stop teasing him, Raye. Bad enough he has to
be the designated hentai.
*****
The Bazaar, Deva
Later than the last time you asked.
"If I may intrude..."
Sheila looked up at the bruised Deveel that was standing near her.
"Yeah?" she asked.
SNAKE: But not too near, I bet. He's probably already had enough
problems with redheads for the day.
"You were, I believe the associates of the young woman causing a
certain amount of havoc, earlier today? The Great and Powerful
Sorceress Whatever Her Name Was?"
"Yes?"
CONEJITO: No, the correct response is, 'It depends on why you're asking.'
SNAKE: Obviously, Sheila's never been sued.
MARS: Our legal system is designed to discourage unjust lawsuits.
SNAKE: Shoot all the lawyers?
MARS: That was my plan, but Serenity wouldn't go for it.
"Would you happen to know where she is at the moment?"
"HEY! I remember thith guy! He'th the one who cut that deal with
Lina-chan that brought me here!" Naga zoomed over and started kicking
Hay-ner in the shin repeatedly, without visible effect. "Monthter!
Fiend of the blacketht pit! THITH ith all YOUR fault!"
SNAKE: My opinion of Naga just goes up and up. Even after the shock of
being pulled from her proper dimension, she was still on the ball enough to
memorize the appearance of a member of a species she's never met before
that moment.
CONEJITO: Obviously, some or all of that insane sorceress bit is just an
act to lull others off their guard.
MARS: Voice of experience?
CONEJITO: Maybe just a little.
Hay-ner stared down at her, perplexed. "What a strangely
precocious child. In any event --"
"Why dost thee wish to know?" Athena asked slowly. There was
SNAKE: Wild guess. This section was written by Hosmer.
CONEJITO: Sheila is acting just dumb enough to prompt Athena into
asking all the right questions.
something strangely sinister about these beings... perhaps it was racial
memory, for they aroused in her feelings not unlike those that were
caused by discussing the Things from Beyond.
"Yeah, why?" asked Sheila, mentally preparing herself for a fight.
"It is my intention to sue her for battery," Hay-Ner said shortly.
Athena and Sheila facefaulted. Naga kept right on kicking Hay-Ner.
"No," Sheila finally said, "we think she used the powers of... her
talisman to dimensionally travel away from here."
SNAKE: Definitely an academic. A seasoned adventurer would have
cajoled or goaded Hay-Ner into using his own resources to track down Lina
for them.
"Oh, drat," Hay-Ner muttered. "Ah, well. It's fortunate for her
that I'm not overly vindictive, or I'd hunt her down no matter which
dimension she visited! But, since she's left our dimension, I suppose
there's no real point in holding a grudge. Well, I'll be off then..."
"Uh... just a moment!" Sheila interrupted. "If you WERE that
vindictive, how would you go about it? Hunting her down, I mean?"
MARS: I would cut out the heart of one of her companions, and burn it in
the Sacred Fire as sacrifice for a vision of her location.
CONEJITO: You would?!
MARS: No not me, Hay-Ner. If he were evil. And a fire priestess.
(pauses a beat) What?
Hay-Ner gave it some thought. "I would probably employ one of the
better wizards hereabouts to track her down... say, the Great and
Powerful Skeeve and his associates. Their offices are located not too
far from here."
"Thanks!" Sheila said quickly, and stood. "Come on, let's go!
She's got a heck of a lead on us!" She dashed out the door, Athena
following quickly behind.
MARS: A few seconds later, Sheila rushed back in to ask for directions a
little more accurate than "not too far from here".
SNAKE: Oh yes, this was Hosmer.
Not bad for a day's work, Hay-Ner thought to himself. A referral
fee from Skeeve, a fee for information from those two -- to be collected
at once on their return -- plus the judgement in my favor when I take
that "Great and Powerful Sorceress" to court. Not bad for a day's work
at all.
He realized that Naga was still busily kicking his shin, so he
looked down at her, smiled a particularly ugly grin, and cheerfully
said, "Is that the way people in your dimension offer gifts of food?
For that is a particularly tasty looking leg."
SNAKE: Well if she were her proper age, I guess it could be described as
tasty. If you were a leg man. Or woman.
MARS: This is just sad.
CONEJITO: Next time we spring for a genuine hentai.
Naga looked up, saw the way that the Deveel was smiling at her, and
let out a hollow shriek as she fled after Sheila and Athena.
*****
The Moon Kingdom
A long time ago.
Snake looks unaccountably nervous.
Lina materialized in the burning ruins of a once great city. She
stared confusedly at the broken, Greco-Roman architecture all around
her.
MARS: They stole it from us, not the other way around!
SNAKE: I wouldn't be too sure about that. With Sailor Pluto around, you
just never know.
"Wait a minute..." she muttered to herself. Greco-Roman
architecture? Burning ruins?
She looked up in the sky at the blue-green planet that hung there.
"Oh, great!" she muttered. "This thing dumped me into the Moon
Kingdom! How am I supposed to learn ANYTHING about how to use
this
crystal from a bunch of people who were too stupid to use this thing
before it was too late?"
CONEJITO: Quick ID, considering it's not even the history of her home
dimension.
MARS: Sheila tends to deliver history lectures to anyone she can corral
into listening. You learn to put up with it.
She had learned about the Silver Millennium not long after her
arrival in Crystal Tokyo, nearly a decade before, and her opinion about
its residents hadn't changed very much since then. Given the power of
the Silver Crystal, and the ability to use it, there was no way that
Beryl should have been able to triumph. Queen Serenity had either been
an idiot or insane to let things go as far as they had.
SNAKE: Hey, Serenity was nothing if not on the ball! She had her
reasons.
The fact that the ruins were burning indicated that the final
battle had begun. Lina started to hurry down the street, intending to
use her magic to turn the tide... when she saw her.
SNAKE: (looks relieved) OK good, final battle. I heard about this, but
never saw it. This should be safe.
MARS: What do you mean, safe? And of course you couldn't have seen it.
Could you?
SNAKE: (fake laugh) Of course not! As for safe, I meant, uh,-
CONEJITO: Safe to talk through cause we all know what happens!
SNAKE: Right! Back to the fic.
She had long red hair, and was dressed in a blue gown that had seen
better days than these. Her face was scorched and bleeding in places,
and she looked very tired and worn. But in her eyes there was nothing
but a cold, determined expression, and she walked across the ground of
the Moon with a sure step, as though she owned every square inch.
Lina recognized her from the stories: Beryl, Queen of the Dark
Kingdom, Mistress of the Negaforce.
MARS: Long, _tedious_ history lectures going into every single descriptive
detail.
There was a sudden rumbling noise, and the ground quaked, causing
Lina to lose her footing. She recovered quickly, but found herself
staring down into a pool of water.
The woman who gazed back at her had long red hair... was dressed in
a clothes that had seen better days... her face was scorched and
bleeding in places... and she looked very tired and worn.
CONEJITO: Arrggh! Beryl's in the water! Run!
MARS: Idiot. That is _not_ what they meant.
CONEJITO: Sorry Raye.
Mars shakes her head, struck by a sense of deja-vu.
"No," she muttered. "No, I'm not like that. I'm not... I... take
me away from here! Silver Crystal, take --"
The Crystal pulsed, and she was gone.
*****
Beryl registered the odd pulse of magical energies in the distance,
but there was no time to deal with whatever it was. The final battle
was at hand.
CONEJITO: I bet Sun Szu would say something about if you know for a
fact it's the final battle, you haven't left yourself enough options. (looks to
the camera) Yes I've discovered the joy of reading. Is that a crime?
The names of all those she'd lost flashed in her mind. Jadeite.
Nephrite. Zoisite. Malachite. And just now, her true love...
Endymion. Lost forever to the cruelty of the one before her.
Queen Serenity, now bloated with the power of the evil spirit Luna,
stared down at her with a sneering gaze. "So, you've come, little
princess."
In the distance, Beryl could hear her familiar, Metallia, crying
out for her not to do this, not to make this sacrifice. She ignored her
pleas.
The time had come for the final battle of Good and Evil.
MARS: Freaky.
CONEJITO: Seconded.
SNAKE: What an odd universe. Doesn't this kind of negate the whole pool
of water thing, though? I mean if Beryl is actually on the side of good here
and Lina saw herself as Beryl....
MARS: Don't overanalyze.
*****
The Bazaar, Deva
Still later
Athena looked at the unimpressive tent before them and snorted.
"This is the home of a Great and Powerful Sorcerer? Methinks we have
been given bad advice."
MARS: Now Athena is the one making over-hasty judgments.
SNAKE: Have we switched over to Davies?
"Well, everyone we've asked says this is where the 'Great and
Powerful Skeeve' lives," Sheila said. She peered at the sign on the
tent. "M.Y.T.H. Inc?"
"Thtop wathting time," Chibi-Naga said. "We need to find Lina!"
"Right, right," Sheila said. They had stopped by a clothing tent
and gotten some right-sized clothes for the pint-sized sorceress. This
had not improved Naga's temper.
MARS: They should have taken her to Old Navy.
They stepped inside the tent and found themselves in a waiting room
larger than the tent. "Whoa," Sheila said.
"Methinks I should re-evaluate mine opinion of this Skeeve," Athena
said.
SNAKE: Yes, because everyone knows you judge a man on the size of
his... office.
"People come see Big Crunch? Big Crunch hungry," said a guttural
voice.
The three looked up at the being entering the room... and up and
up. Big, strong, and UGLY were the first three words that occurred to
them. Then the bit about 'hungry' began to sink in.
CONEJITO: (as Naga) Curse you, Lina. Ever since you dragged me here,
being called a "delicious young thing" has taken on a whole new meaning!
Chibi-Naga ran behind Sheila. "Doeth everyone want to eat me!?"
she squealed.
CONEJITO: I wasn't reading ahead!
SNAKE: Now you know how I feel.
"W-we're here to see the Great and Powerful Skeeve," Sheila
stuttered.
SNAKE: (as Sheila) I'd ask for a brain, but fortunately my author just took
over.
"Perhaps -I- can help you," boomed another voice. They turned in
relief to the newcomer... and then gasped as they saw a tall, powerful
being with green scales, yellow eyes, and lots of teeth.
MARS: Bah. I find weirder things in my breakfast cereal.
"Eep!" Chibi-Naga said.
*****
Bugrom Fortress, El Hazard
All-Powerful Jinnai Year 1
SNAKE: When they start using you as the dating systems. That's when
you know you've arrived as an evil conqueror.
Lina fell to the floor, gasping for breath and curled up into a
fetal ball. She was so cold, and the hollow sensation in her gut was
getting worse. Shakily raising her head, she looked around.
The room she was in resembled some sort of cave, with illumination
coming from various glowing sections of the wall. It was dank and cold,
and the floor felt slightly yielding. Honeycomb-patterns predominated,
making Lina think of a beehive.
In the center of the room was a large, teardrop structure. It had
a series of bars set in the honeycomb pattern and help an unconscious
woman inside it. There were three other people in the room, two boys in
suit coats and ties (one also appeared to be wearing something furry),
and one tall, statuesque woman with pale skin and blue hair. The
woman
was holding a large ornamental staff."
CONEJITO: Ooooh, she's.. she's holding a.... I just can't do it!
SNAKE: (comforting) That's all right. I know you were just trying to help.
It'll be all right.
CONEJITO: (sniffling) You said you needed someone to help you with the
hentai.
SNAKE: I'll go it alone. You just aren't cut out for it.
"Farewell, Mizuhara," the dark-haired boy said. "You were a worthy
adversary. I will never forget you." He paused, placing his hand on
his chest... then he pointed a finger at the other boy and cackled
maniacally. "Now BLOW HIM AWAY, IFURITA!"
The woman raised her staff and pointed one end of it at the brown-
haired boy. Lina felt she should do something, but the multiple
dimensional jumps had left her too weak to move. The world swum
before
her eyes briefly but she managed, with great effort, to refocus on the
three. They were all staring at each other, none of them making a move.
MARS: Finally Mizuhara spoke. 'You're _not_ getting my Bud Lite,
Jinnai."
"I... must... obey," the woman (Ifurita?) grated out, obviously
against her will. "He is the Master of the Power Key Staff." Saying
that, she leveled her staff at the boy again.
"No one's making you," the brown-haired boy said. It made no
difference. The woman fired a powerful bolt of energy--
--and missed. Somehow, the boy dodged and leaped at the woman.
His hand closed over the end of her staff... and the two of them began
to glow.
CONEJITO: This seems like kind of a private moment. Should we look
away or something?
"What's happening?" the dark-haired boy screamed, though no one
seemed to be listening, "I am Jinnai the All-Powerful! It is my destiny
to conquer El Hazard!" He laughed madly.
Lina listened, feeling sick and not just from her condition. She
had never seen anyone so consumed with the idea of power. He had even
SNAKE: Haven't looked in a mirror lately, have you Lina?
less redeeming qualities than Naga. The laughs are similar, I wonder if
they are related, Lina thought.
The glow around the other two faded. "The obedience circuit has
been destroyed. You're free, Ifurita!" the boy said.
MARS: (as Ifurita) Yes, free. Free to conquer the world for _myself_!
Mars pauses, then looks at the screen again.
MARS: I think I've seen this anime. (softly to herself) Back on Serena's
wedding day...
Ifurita held her trembling hands up to her face.
"NO! She's MINE!" the maniac cried, running up to the two.
Ifurita let loose a powerful backhand, sending Jinnai flying across the
room.
SNAKE: The kid has a certain sort of style, but he needs to learn when to
cut his conquests and run.
"You're right... I AM free," Ifurita said, wonderingly.
More people ran into the room, but Lina's consciousness was fading
fast. "Silver Crystal," she croaked. "Take me to someone who can heal
me...."
Always eager to please, the Silver Crystal transported them both
out of the fortress just as Ifurita and the others blew themselves a way
out.
CONEJITO: Eager to please? Since when? I could never get so much as...
(She trails off as she sees Mars staring at her.)
MARS: Well Lina is a sorceress. She knows how to make it work.
*****
The Abode of the Great and Powerful Skeeve
Tea Time
SNAKE: There's always time for tea.
"Terrible sorry about that," Chumley the Troll said while sipping
at his tea. "Big Crunch is a bit of a boor, but terribly effective at
getting rid of time-wasters." The troll had been the one to greet the
three at the door, acting like the stereotypical troll. When not
acting, however, he was very polite and intelligent.
CONEJITO: Or maybe he's really a stereotypical troll who's just acting
polite and intelligent.
MARS: And maybe I'm a Martian.
SNAKE: *cough*
MARS: Oh... yes. That didn't come out as cleverly sarcastic as I meant it
to sound.
Skeeve, the Great and Powerful, was sitting and considering what
they had told him. He was far younger than they would have guessed.
Athena even went so far as to call him "scrumptious." His demeanor was
all business, however.
"I wish I could help you, ladies," he said, "but I can't. I'm
sorry."
"If it's a matter of fee..." Sheila began.
"Well, for the right price..." the green and scaly being, a Per-
VECT named Aahz, they had learned, began.
CONEJITO: On a professor's salary?
MARS: We have a pretty good exchange rate with other dimensions.
"No, Aahz," Skeeve said, stopping his partner. "The problem is,
ladies," he continued, "is that we're not very skilled at tracking
people through dimensions. I had a hard enough time finding Aahz here
when I KNEW what dimension he went to."
"Kid..." Aahz rumbled threateningly.
"But," Skeeve continued, "I can help you a little." He handed a
wand-shaped object to them. "This is a D-hopper. It will allow you to
travel through dimensions. I don't know which dimension is your home
or
where your friend might be, but I can give you the ability to look for
her yourself."
SNAKE: Bouncing randomly around dimensions leads to all sorts of
trouble, and is likely to leave you stranded somewhere quite unpleasant.
MARS: Voice of experience?
SNAKE AND CONEJITO: YES!
"Kid, that's not a cheap toy. D-hoppers are rare--"
"We'll pay for it," Sheila said.
"--but not irreplaceable," Aahz said without a pause.
"No, just bring it back when you're through... wait a second...."
Skeeve looked thoughtful. "There IS one person who might be able to
help you."
CONEJITO: (to Mars) So did they ever bring it back?
MARS: (uncomfortably) I'll be sure to remind Sheila as soon as I return.
"Who?" Chibi-Naga asked.
"Vilhelm, the Dispatcher."
SNAKE: Sounds like an executioner for hire.
"Of course," Chumley said. "He could find her."
"Who?" Sheila asked.
"His official title is the 'Dispatcher of Nightmares.' If your
friend dreams, he can find her."
"Well, where is he?"
"That's the easy part," Skeeve said, leading them back to the
waiting room and pulling aside a tapestry to show a heavily boarded up
door. "Right through here."
"Methinks I hath a bad feeling about this," Athena said.
MARS: That actually sounded a bit more like Amy.
CONEJITO: Agreed.
Mars seems a bit confused Conejito's affirmation, but says nothing.
*****
Crystal Tokyo
The Rather Distant Future, Next Sunday or So AD.
"--and that, listeners, is how I talked Sailor Pluto into letting
me have that computer link back to the place and time I originally came
from," Crystal Tokyo's best -- well, ONLY -- disk jockey explained into
the mike while his beloved wife looked on with a bemused expression.
CONEJITO: A disk jockey, cool!
SNAKE: He must be a real silver tongued devil to talk Pluto into anything.
MARS: Strange. I've heard him speak less than one sentence and already I
don't like him.
The Thirty-First century had been good to Sean Gaffney-Tomoe. He
had someone who loved him unconditionally (and vice versa), a job he
loved doing, and a skeptical-yet-positive worldview. The restoration of
his link back to the world he'd originally come from was good -- he had
no intention of ever returning there, but it was nice to be able to let
the friends he'd left behind know that he was still alive, and catch up
with them.
CONEJITO: (sadly) Just to be able to let your friends know you're out there
and you miss them. Sometimes that's worth everything.
SNAKE: Chin up.
MARS: (oblivious to her co-MSTer's) Wait a minute. "Gaffney-Tomoe"?
Don't tell me he's married to...
"And so, without further ado, my lovely wife Hotaru will be reading
tales of other worlds' Sailor Senshi penned by people there, beginning
with Ken Wolfe's masterpiece, 'Secrets'. Whenever you're ready," Sean
concluded, turning the mike over to Hotaru Tomoe-Gaffney.
MARS: Lydia! Well, they're calling her Hotaru, but...
CONEJITO: It's good to see her, isn't it?
MARS: Yes. And her husband, as much as I for some reason want to
fireball his butt, really seems to love her. The narration says so.
Hotaru drew a deep breath, and began to read from the several
inches thick hardcopy that Sean had printed off earlier that day.
Before she got more than a few words into it, however, she broke off,
and jerked her head around to stare at the hole in the space-time
continuum that opened up behind them.
CONEJITO: Uh-oh. Last time this happened in the story... We aren't
scheduled to get another reviewer, are we?
SNAKE: No, not to my knowledge.
Sean spun around the instant after his wife did, and caught a
glimpse of the portal as it began to close. His one coherent thought
was a vague curse on a certain group of self-insertion critics, and then
he realized that the portal was actually shutting instead of dragging
them into it. He breathed a sigh of relief, even as Hotaru jumped up
and ran over to kneel down beside the still, pale form of the one it had
deposited on the studio floor.
MARS: He should be relieved. Amy did a study showing that sudden
ruptures in the fabric of reality are the fifth leading cause of death among
dimension travelers.
He let out a squawk at the sight of the red-haired girl -- for a
moment he wondered she was the Dirty Pair Flash version of Kei, or
possibly the swords-and-sorcery lookalike for Kei that had inspired
Mathews' "The Game Eternal" --, before he realized that the mike was
still on. Turning back, he said, "Sorry, folks, something's come up...
we'll be back in a bit, but for now, why not lose yourself in a garden
of sound?" He jammed a tape, any tape, into the player -- as it
happened, the song cued was Kansas' "Wayward Son", which would
have
increased Sean's apprehensions had he known of it (and make him ill
since Kansas was far from his favorite group.)
Meanwhile, Hotaru was drawing on her healing powers to determine
what was wrong with the person who'd fallen in on them. Generally, her
healing powers worked in an almost shamanistic way. She briefly
obtained a higher level of consciousness in which she perceived
injuries, infections, or diseases as afflictions to the spirit, instead
of the body. Then she used her other powers to eliminate them, either
by invoking her destructive capability against them, or occasionally by
converting the "affliction" into a "benefit"; as Sean had noted,
converting pain into joy.
SNAKE: Thankyou, exposition lad.
CONEJITO: Be nice. I think we're back to Hosmer.
MARS: I wonder if her powers would work on all the leftover toxic sludge
we've still got cluttering up the earth.
The problem with this patient, however, was that she had entirely
too MUCH joy.
SNAKE: Lina's been smoking a little weed, has she?
Hotaru let out a low whistle as she saw how the bright tendrils of
the artifact that the woman clutched in her hand had extended
throughout
her "body" and were now very close to suffocating her of vital energy.
The problem was that if Hotaru tried to destroy the tendrils, she would
only be delaying their eventual regrowth, and she couldn't be sure that
she wouldn't do more damage than good. On the other hand, converting
the sheer amount of positive energy that this woman was filled with to
its opposite would CERTAINLY kill her.
SNAKE: What a gyp. Some key to the universe that is. Lina asks it to
take her to someone who can heal her, and it takes her to someone who
definitely can't do the job.
MARS: Removing the artifact while the patient is unconscious would seem
to be an excellent idea. Of course, Lydia never was the quickest at
thinking on her feet.
CONEJITO: Give her a break. All that deaging and reaging and being
possessed can't be healthy.
Stymied, she returned to the real world to examine the artifact in
order to get an idea whether or not destroying it as the source of the
disease would be feasible...
...and let out an "Ack" as she saw the Silver Crystal clenched in
the woman's hot little hand.
"That's BAD, isn't it?" Sean asked as he saw what his wife was
staring at.
SNAKE: I'm a bit surprised everyone recognizes it instantly. Rheannion's
toy has been known to take on different appearances.
"Extraordinarily bad," Hotaru agreed. She stood and transformed to
Sailor Saturn in a pulse of light. "I've got to take her to the
Queen... I think she might know more than I do about how to deal with
this." I hope, she added silently.
Scooping Lina under her arm, Hotaru teleported away, leaving her
anxious husband behind. Sean turned back to his mike, and stared at it
for a second before turning it back on again. The song playing as he
did so was a little ditty by the Muppets, from "The Muppets Take
Manhattan".
"Together again..." came Miss Piggy's voice.
Sean quickly shut off the tape. Who put THAT in the machine?
That's the last time I let Setsuna visit the studio. Turning to the
MARS: Susan? _That's_ her taste in music? Oh please, if I can remember
anything, let it be this. This ought to be good for decades.
mike, he said, in his most reassuring voice, "Folks, you're never gonna
believe this one, but..."
They didn't.
*****
The Bazaar, Deva
Look, go buy a watch and stop bothering me.
MARS: What time is it, anyway?
SNAKE: It's infinity past infinity at the corner of nowhere and nowhere.
The MST theater is outside time and space.
MARS: So why isn't everyone who ever came here existing
simultaneously?
CONEJITO: We are. Look over there.
Mars gazes in the direction indicated. Suddenly the darkness clears a
little. She can make out the hazy outline of a theater and voices saying,
"On a professor's salary?" "We have a pretty good exchange rate with
other dimensions." Shuddering, she blinks and the other theater vanishes.
MARS: I'm not thinking about it anymore.
CONEJITO AND SNAKE: Good idea.
"... and that's the setting for Deva, so that you can come back
here after you find your friend," Skeeve explained to Sheila, who was
holding onto the D-Hopper while Aahz irritatedly pried at the boards
over the door to Limbo that he had put up after their first trip there.
Sheila nodded. "Right. I hope that this won't take too long --
say, time doesn't pass oddly in this Limbo place than it does here, does
it?"
SNAKE: Sheila is asking intelligent questions. I say Davies.
Skeeve opened his mouth to confidently answer no, when he
remembered that he couldn't remember much of his second journey to
Limbo, so he couldn't answer that definitely. The first time, it hadn't
seemed as though they spent more or less time in Limbo than had passed
on Deva, but it was hard to be completely sure here, where no one was
willing to give anyone else the time of day -- at least for free.
So instead he confidently answered, "I don't think so, no."
MARS: Considering they're from three separate dimensions and starting
out from a fourth dimension, there's probably not much to be done about it
anyway.
Sheila nodded again, and tried hard not to think about the
possibility of time passing at a rapid rate back home while she worked
at this. "Regardless of whether this works, Mr. Skeeve, you and your
associates have the gratitude of Crystal Tokyo for your efforts."
CONEJITO: Does she have the authority to offer the gratitude of Crystal
Tokyo?
MARS: Sure, she's a Palladin. (reflectively) Maybe when Sheila returns
the D-hopper, I should have her sound out Skeeve about being put on
retainer. He seems like the sort of man we want working for us.
"And of the Moon Kingdom as well," Athena interjected.
"Uh, not to be a pain or anything --" Aahz interjected.
"That WOULD be a first," Chumley muttered, looking off in another
direction.
"-- but gratitude puts no beans on the table," Aahz continued, his
lips curling in what was either a snarl or a smile.
SNAKE: So I guess he's the practical, down to earth partner who serves as
a balance to his kinder associates while secretly reflecting their generosity
in his own heart of gold.
CONEJITO: Sound familiar?
SNAKE: Why associate of mine, you're not all that down to earth.
Sheila produced her credit card.
Aahz's reaction was, in Athena's words, "MOST satisfactory".
MARS: Maybe I should arrange for Sheila to be reimbursed. She'd never
ask on her own and this sort of was Crystal Tokyo business.
A few minutes later, the trio -- Sheila, Athena, and Chibi-Naga --
stepped through the door into Limbo. It was dark, but that was the
status quo there. They proceeded down the road to the town of Blut,
being extremely careful to avoid encountering any of the vampiric
residents of the dimension. This was more out of a desire to avoid
MARS: I don't much care for vampires.
SNAKE: I'll say. Just try managing a restaurant. They'll sit around and
take up table space for hours, nursing one lousy glass of blood.
causing a panic -- humans having an EXTREMELY bad reputation in
this
neck of the multiverse -- than out of any fear. Athena was slightly
concerned by Skeeve's warning that magical energies were at a premium
in
this dimension.
CONEJITO: At least it ought to keep Naga from doing anything crazy.
Blut put images of the architecture of the city of Atlantis in
Athena's mind -- the eidolons of fearsome creatures perching on
rooftops, for example. The many bats that infested the town's rooftops
spooked Naga, who didn't realize that they were to the local ecology
what pigeons were to a human city. In Sheila's case, the town reminded
her of images from movies that had been old in her youth, films that
she'd watched on Hallowe'ens long past.
They came at last to the building that Skeeve had identified as the
office of the Dispatcher, and mounted the stairs. Sheila was startled
for a moment by the sheer number of television screens that adorned the
walls of the office, then shrugged it off. To the others, it was even
more startling, since visual communications were almost unknown in
their
worlds.
CONEJITO: I was never that big on television when I was a kid, but I
watched a few shows. Anime and stuff.
MARS: So did I, but I preferred manga.
CONEJITO: (slightly guardedly) Me too.
SNAKE: I think I would have found the medium of television most useful.
A good tool for influencing lots of people.
Vilhelm, the Dispatcher of Nightmares, was a short, stocky man with
surprisingly pink cheeks for a vampire, who positively exuded
friendliness as he hopped out of the chair of his desk, and crossed the
floor to them. "Hi there Vilhelm's the name Your problem is my
problem
Don't sit down Standing problems I solve for free Sitting problems I
charge for Reasonable rates just a percentage off the top What can I do
for you?" he said, shaking hands with each of them once.
MARS: (Athena voice) You can do me first, short stuff. (notices Snake
looking at her) What? You said you wanted help with the hentai.
"Ah... Skeeve sent us --" Sheila began.
"Oh," Vilhelm said, blinking. "Then I should probably drop the
Micromachine guy act," he continued at a more leisurely pace.
"I beg your pardon?" Athena asked.
"Never mind. Still, what can I do for you? If Skeeve referred you
to me, it's probably a dimensional thing, right?"
"Right. We were told that you act as a kind of missing person's
bureau?" Sheila inquired.
MARS: We were hoping you could help us track down Elvis.
CONEJITO: Isn't that reference a bit dated?
MARS: There are still sightings every year.
"That's correct," Vilhelm nodded. "Since pretty much every
nightmare in the multiverse comes through here on its way to it's
intended recipient, I can get a line on darn near everyone... IF you
have an idea about what they'd have a nightmare about."
CONEJITO: I guess he has a deal with Helios.
MARS: You know about Helios?
SNAKE: We hear things.
Sheila looked at Naga. "Hey, Naga, what d'you think Lina would
have a nightmare about?"
"Oh, definitely about lothing power," Naga answered confidently.
Sheila turned to convey that answer to Vilhelm, translating if
necessary, when Naga continued. "And THEN realizing the awful truth,
that even if she had all her power, she'd THTILL be inferior to me in
the magic department. Oh, and all her boyfriendth only having any
interetht in her tho that they can get clothe to me, and going to a
boutique and being told that the only undergarmentth they have in her
thize are for little children, whiltht I get oneth appropriate to my --"
SNAKE: You think that means that Naga is incredibly self-centered or that
she can't bear to think about Lina having any connection except to her?
MARS: I think she's messed up.
SNAKE: Thank-you Doctor Hino.
"Woman, about yay high, bust out to here, that color hair, REALLY
annoying laugh," Sheila rattled off to Vilhelm.
"Hey, I remember that one!" Vilhelm exclaimed.
"-- huge -- HEY!"
Athena turned away to hide her amused smile at Sheila-chan's easy
humiliation of the annoying sorceress -- and froze in her tracks as she
stared at a screen on which Sheila was in clear sight.
The world fell away as she watched. Black-clad Sheila was in a
large building that looked like it served some religious purpose,
standing before an open coffin, in which lay a woman dressed in white
with long, purple-black hair, her eyes closed forever in death. Tears
were rolling down Sheila's face. Suddenly, there was a blade in her
hand, and she unsheathed it slowly, examining the edge with a keen eye.
Behind her, a duplicate of the woman in the coffin appeared, screaming
at her, shaking her head, unheeded. Sheila lifted the sword, its point
aiming toward her own heart, and then --
Mars turns away from the screen.
MARS: That's personal and I didn't need to see that.
CONEJITO: Poor Sheila. Things just never seem to go right for her.
The picture changed, and there was a giant flaming wombat pursuing
a much smaller human being across the screen. Shaken, Athena turned
away.
"-- that would be on display 115Z, right now," Vilhelm was saying,
directing Sheila and Naga's attention to a screen not far from where
Athena was standing. The image was extremely unclear -- bursts of
static made it almost unwatchable. The Dispatcher frowned. "Huh.
She's in SOME kind of nightmare, but it's almost as though she's
slipping in and out of consciousness --"
SNAKE: (Vilhelm voice) Almost, but really more like she's been smoking
marijuana. _There's_ a woman with way too much joy.
"That's too likely by half!" Sheila interrupted. "Can you get a
fix on where she is now?"
Vilhelm returned his attention to the screen and keyboard he was
working on. "Yes indeed!" He rattled off a sequence of coordinates,
and Sheila started modifying the controls of the D-Jumper, gesturing for
Athena and Naga to hold onto her. A few seconds later, they vanished in
a burst of light.
"Good luck," Vilhelm said belatedly, suddenly remembering the
prohibitions against dimensionally traveling into THAT particular
dimension.
CONEJITO: Well they can't exactly worry about the rules when Lina's in
trouble.
*****
Elsewhere.
Elsewhen.
CONEJITO: Do you think this is in the theater?
SNAKE: We'd never know it if it is.
"Amora."
"Perse."
"It has begun at last, hasn't it?"
"It has indeed."
"Any regrets?"
"None I can't handle."
"I bet you guys thought I wasn't gonna find you, didn't you?!"
A long silence ensued.
"Hello, Setsuna," two voices chorused.
"I have one regret, Amora."
"I believe I have the same one."
"Beeeedah!"
MARS: Did either of you get any of that?
CONEJITO: No.
SNAKE: I'm just guessing, but I think it had to do with Plutos.
MARS: Never mind then. I just don't care.
*****
Crystal Tokyo.
A few minutes after you left.
MARS: This is the one with that Gaffney guy, right?
"... and then this girl with red hair drops out of nowhere! Of
course, this isn't the sort of thing that happens every day."
The trio materialized behind him.
Sean covered the mike momentarily. "Whoever is writing this is a
bloody sadist," he noted for the record, then turned to greet the new
arrivals. He couldn't fail to recognize Sailor Mercury -- although
there was something very, very different about the way that this version
of her STOOD. The young girl didn't look at all familiar... well,
perhaps a BIT like Hotaru had when she was little. The redhead--
SNAKE: Hear that Hosmer? Sean called you a sadist.
CONEJITO: No, I think we're back to Davies.
He frowned. She looked familiar, but he couldn't tell what it was
about her that made him think so.
"Excuse me," Sheila asked quickly. "did a carrot haired girl
carrying a very bright crystal in her hand appear here recently?"
MARS: Why yes, but she was apparently late for a very important date.
"Uh... yeah. My wife took her to the palace for the Queen to heal
her," he said eloquently.
"Great, thanks, come on Athena --"
"Queen Serenity, that is," he added just before they dashed out the
door.
SNAKE: So where exactly were they rushing out the door to?
CONEJITO: The palace.
MARS: Which is where?
CONEJITO: I don't think Sheila likes asking for directions.
Athena paused. "Sheila-chan, have we returned to thy homeworld?
Thou didst confide that there is a Senshi Mercury there who greatly
resembles me; is there also a Queen there akin to mine own monarch?"
SHEILA? As in -- oh boy, thought Sean. The red hair and the
ponytail SHOULD have tipped him off....
SNAKE: Sean must be a big Davies fan, to recognize Sheila right off the
bat like that.
CONEJITO: I think we just settled who's writing this section.
SNAKE: Guess I owe you a coke.
"Uh," Sheila temporized, looking around for any clue that they were
in Crystal Tokyo. There wasn't a lot to go on. She finally rounded on
the man. "Listen, does the name Sheila Ten'kai sound at ALL familiar?"
she asked. She wasn't FAMOUS, but she did have a certain public
recognition.
MARS: Well she gives all those history lectures.
Sean smiled weakly. " You wouldn't be Sheila Ten'kai, daughter of
Har--er, ERICA Ten'ou and Michelle Kaioh, would you?" Ed handles
this
SO much better, he thought irritatedly.
SNAKE: He shouldn't feel bad. Sometimes there's just no right way to tell
someone something. (He shoots Conejito a significant glance.)
"Yes," she replied. This is home... and this guy is REALLY well
informed! "Great, thanks!"
"Uh!" Sean interrupted. "But --"
"Yes?" Sheila replied, anxiously. Oh, great, he's that well
informed because it's been a thousand years and I'm part of elementary
history or something!
CONEJITO: I think Sheila would rather that than what Sean's about to tell
her.
MARS: You read ahead.
CONEJITO: Yes, but I didn't need to.
Sean sighed, and decided to come clean. "I only know about you
because I read the stories that you first appeared in."
That was unexpected.
*****
Being a Sailor Senshi has its ups and downs. The downs largely
consist of having to fight every would-be world conqueror with a sack
full of energy-draining monsters, a uniform that is just a tad drafty,
and no time off. The ups--well, at least you can drop in on the ruler
of Crystal Tokyo unannounced... oh, and Makoto's cooking. Definite
plus.
MARS: I'd 100% agree with that.
SNAKE: I bet the immortality is nothing to sneeze at, either.
So, Neo-Queen Serenity didn't even bat an eye when Sailor Saturn
appeared in her throne room carrying an unconscious sorceress.
"This audience is at an end," she announced to her court,
dismissing it with a wave as she walked over to her Senshi. There were
mutters, but everyone filed out obediently. (This is Crystal Tokyo, did
you expect anything different?)
MARS: If Priss was around, you betcha.
"Hotaru-chan?" Serenity asked.
"We have a problem, my Queen," Sailor Saturn said, turning Lina's
hand so the Queen could see the Silver Crystal she held.
That DID raise an eyebrow.
SNAKE: Time to ask if the princess has been playing with the time key
again.
MARS: How did you know about that!?
SNAKE: Somebody told me.
*****
"Oh, GREAT. My entire life is out there for an entire universe to
read, and YOU are making sure another universe gets to hear about it?"
Sean began to sweat. He was no newbie to fictional universes
(considering he lived in what he had considered one and was married to
someone he had first seen animated) but this little nuance was a new one
on him. It was not an entirely comfortable nuance, as Sheila had a
TIGHT grip on his shirt and the expression on her face suggested that
her hands might go for his throat next.
MARS: I'm sympathetic with her viewpoint. If it weren't for this memory
wipe, I bet I'll be fairly disturbed when I get back home.
SNAKE: What's Sheila getting so upset about? It isn't like she hasn't done
her own reviews of other people's stories.
MARS: She has? Maybe she has, but she hasn't done them yet in her
personal timeline
SNAKE: Now you're getting the hang of it. Only it can't be so. Misa
already know about her impending death, which means she and Sheila
have done at least one review.
CONEJITO: This fictional reality stuff gives me headaches.
MARS: Maybe we really should relax.
"I'm sorry!" he gasped. "I didn't think it'd hurt--urk!"
"HOW MUCH DO THEY KNOW?!"
"Um, well, your entire history, your relationship with Priss--" Oh,
THAT is not a pleasant look, he babbled to himself as Sheila's face
contorted even further in rage. Then he saw that the ON THE AIR light
was still burning on his panel. "--and everything you've said since you
arrived."
CONEJITO: Sheila's the one who needs to relax. Maybe we ought to invite
her in to help with the review.
SNAKE: There's a line of surrealness I refuse to cross.
That made Sheila let go of his shirt, at least. The Sailor Mercury
who had appeared with Sheila laid a comforting hand on the redhead's
shoulder as the daughter of Uranus and Neptune began to sob.
Sheila hated every tear that ran down her face, but she couldn't
stop them. The stress of her sudden adventure, not knowing whether she
would ever see home again, the old wounds of her time with Priss, and
now the added embarrassment of humiliating herself over the airwaves to
an entire city. (She would have felt better had she known the true size
of Sean's listening audience.)
CONEJITO: She shouldn't feels so bad. I've humiliated myself way more
than that, and I was fine.
SNAKE: (to Mars) So did I tell you about the time my associate here tried
to build a raft?
CONEJITO: I get your point!
Then the felt strong arms wrap around her and looked up to see
Athena's sympathetic face. "It is all right," the Senshi of Ice
murmured, stroking Sheila's hair gently. "Rest now," she said, giving
Sheila a gentle peck on the forehead. At the same time, she worked a
little magic, putting Sheila to sleep. It would only last a few
minutes, but it would give the girl time to recover her composure.
SNAKE: Giving some comfort. Could the sparks be flying here?
"Um, time for some more music, folks," Sean said finally to break
the silence. Jabbing a button at random, he winced as the strains of
"As Time Goes By" (re-mastered from Casablanca) filled the airwaves.
Definitely the last time I let Setsuna visit.
"So, what's your story?" he asked the Mercury before him.
CONEJITO: It's the story...
SNAKE: ...of a lovely lady....
MARS: ...who was bringing up three very lovely girls!
"I am Senshi Mercury of the Silver Millennium," Athena said. "You,
sir, hath caused my friend grievous harm--"
"Athena!" Sean said, snapping his fingers. "Wow, Hosmer and Biles
would give a lot to be here."
MARS: (as clerk) Payable in Crystal Tokyo credit card.
SNAKE: Hosmer _is_ here. In spirit.
"And how doth thou knowest my name?" Athena said, her eyes
narrowing. "Hath tales of mine exploits been bandied about by thee as
well?"
SNAKE: Oh come on. From what we've seen, Athena is no doubt the talk
of every locker room back in her home dimension.
CONEJITO: That's not the same thing. Sex may be casual to her, but
Sean's stories may be telling about her actual emotions. Private things.
Same mistake twice in as many minutes, Sean thought. When Hotaru
gets back, she's welcome to whack me on the head with her Glaive... if
there's anything LEFT of me.
Fortunately, any further development along those lines was
forestalled by ANOTHER flash of light. For the third time that day
(setting a record that Sean hoped never to exceed) people appeared out
of thin air.
CONEJITO: I thought Lina appeared from a dark portal, not in a flash of
light.
MARS: Sean's getting a bit confused. He's obviously not the brightest
bulb...
SNAKE: What is it with you and this guy?!
At least they've all been beautiful girls, Sean thought, then
mentally whapped himself for being a hentai.
SNAKE: That's not hentai.
CONEJITO: He's a married man.
The newcomers appeared to be Sailors Uranus and Neptune, but Sean
wasn't making any more assumptions. Off hand, he tried to remember
any
embarrassing stories about them that he might have broadcast.
"Sean, is it really her?" Neptune asked.
Sean let out a sigh of relief. At least these people were somebody
he knew.
MARS: (longingly) Erica. Michelle.
Snake seems to take an interest in anything but the screen.
Something is obviously eating at him.
*****
"TWO Crystals?" Sailor Saturn exclaimed.
"I am at a loss to explain it," Queen Serenity said, "but I have my
Crystal here." She held up the small gem. It was in all ways identical
to the Crystal being held by the unconscious sorceress.
MARS: Serenity just carts the things around with her?
SNAKE: Another dimension, remember? I guess this Crystal is less
dangerous to handle.
CONEJITO: The Crystal can't be all that dangerous. Didn't... I mean,
didn't Sailor Moon carry it around in a broach?
They had moved to one of the many guest bedrooms in the Palace and
were examining Lina. The time-lost sorceress was wracked alternatively
by fever dreams and chills. Sailor Saturn could see her life force
ebbing away and knew they had to do something soon.
SNAKE: (vampire voice) Yes, let it go too long and there will be nothing
left on which to feast!
"We don't have much time left, my Queen."
Queen Serenity nodded. "I will use my Crystal to support her life
as you purge the link she has with her Crystal. Once we have separated
her from it, we will deal with the question of how she came here."
Sailor Saturn nodded and placed her hands on Lina's sweaty brow.
She nodded to Queen Serenity when she was ready.
MARS: Where am I? Why aren't I here when Serenity is doing something
dangerous?
SNAKE: Guess this version of you doesn't obsess so much.
MARS: *Grrrr.*
Raising the Silver Crystal, Queen Serenity invoked its power.
No one considered that an attempt to use the power of the Silver
Crystal on itself was a bad idea.
MARS: Well most of the time we only have one to play with.
A mighty bolt of power suddenly arced from Serenity's crystal to
Lina's. With a cry, Queen Serenity was blown backwards, her Crystal
floating in the air above the bed. Sailor Saturn gritted her teeth
against the backwash of energy that tore around the room in silver
eddies and tried to keep Lina alive.
Then Lina's eyes flew open. They SEETHED with the silver light of
the Crystal and Sailor Saturn had a moment of stark fear before she was
flung away. She slid across the tile floor and hit the far wall hard.
MARS: Lydia!
"Well, well, well," Lina said, sitting up. She looked at the
Crystal in her hand and then at the one floating overhead. She held out
her free hand and Serenity's crystal floated obediently into her grasp.
"It seems that everywhere I go, people try to take my precious from me."
CONEJITO: Gollum, gollum.
"Stop! You do not know what you are doing to yourself!" Serenity
yelled.
"Oh, no," Lina crooned. "It's all very clear now." She held the
two Crystals up to her face, their silver light illuminating her
features eerily. "I called the Crystal the key to the universe, but
it's more than that. It's the key to ultimate power... and that power
will be MINE!"
SNAKE: Once upon a time maybe I would have understood that, but now I
just wonder what the hell she's thinking.
"No human can possess the power you are talking about! Please,
stop before it is too late." Serenity was openly pleading with Lina,
utterly unconcerned with how it looked for a Queen to beg. A woman's
soul hung in the balance.
CONEJITO: Come on, we can get through to her, I know it!
For one moment, Lina's expression wavered. She looked at Serenity.
All-too-human terror filled her eyes, then it faded. "You're right, no
human can," Lina said softly. "But a GODDESS is another story all
together!" She laughed insanely. "But first, to put my preciouses
somewhere safe."
Lina closed her eyes and held the two Crystals to her chest.
Serenity cried out for her to stop as the Crystals were absorbed into
the sorceress's flesh, but it was too late. When Lina open her eyes
again, her eyes had changed. Instead of pupil, iris, and white, there
was just multi-faceted crystal.
SNAKE: She's taken the Ixion Stone, I mean the Silver Crystal, into
herself! And after all the warnings.
MARS: Now the real trouble starts.
"And now, I go to claim my destiny," Lina said, her voice now
filled with harmonics of barely contained power.
"Not without going through me," said a voice. Lina and Queen
Serenity looked toward it and saw Sailor Saturn, her Silence Glaive
leveled at Lina's chest.
"As you wish," Lina said, gathering her power.
SNAKE: Strike first, speech second.
CONEJITO: Snake! That's just wrong.
MARS: There's a proper procedure here. You have to at least say
something.
*****
Sheila slowly came back to consciousness. She could hear voices,
but it was too much effort to try and decipher them. She wanted to tell
them to shut up and let her sleep, but that was too much effort, too.
Much against her will, she came back to the light.
"Feeling better?" asked an unfamiliar voice.
MARS: (as Sheila) No, I thought I'd go into hysterics and faint again.
"Ask me once I figure out what crawled inside my mouth and died,"
Sheila groaned. She felt gummy and dehydrated at the same time. The
skin of her cheeks was tight with dried tears. She opened her eyes.
A blonde with short hair was staring intently into her face. The
next thing that registered was that the blonde was wearing the uniform
of a Sailor Senshi. An impossible uniform.
SNAKE: Maybe she bought off the rack?
MARS: I once saw a 'Sailor H' uniform for sale. Now I'll believe anything.
Sheila's eyes widened and she sat up with a start. Another
impossibility, this one with blue-green hair that flowed over her
shoulders like sea foam, joined the first. "How are you feeling,
Sheila?" the second one asked.
SNAKE: (as Sheila) Asked and answered, idiot.
"No. This can't be. No." Sheila's mental state defied simple
labels like "incoherent" but it would do.
"Well, she's awake at least," Sailor Uranus said wryly.
Then the two Sailors were surprised by a sudden hug that threatened
to crush all the air out of their lungs.
CONEJITO: And Sheila gasped in fear, for the hideous creature that had
just appeared in a flash of light looked like it had her on the menu next!
SNAKE: And Sean smacked himself in the head and just muttered, "four",
"four".
Sheila was beyond words. She had seen pictures of them, studied
them, asked numerous questions of her mother and her aunts, and
collected ANYTHING that had belonged to her biological parents that
had
survived to Crystal Tokyo. It wasn't much, but the Sailors had tried to
save something for her to remember them by: Michelle's violin, a tape of
a duet she and Erica had played together, a frayed picture of Michelle
hugging Erica as the latter accepted a trophy for first place in a race.
It was not much, yet it was infinitely precious to Sheila.
SNAKE: I'm going with Hosmer.
CONEJITO: Agreed. Davies' emotionalism has a different "feel" to it.
"I never believed... oh, I am so happy there IS a Goddess!" she
babbled... before beginning to wonder why Heaven looked like the
backroom of a messy radio station and why she was lying on a cot.
CONEJITO: And what else would heaven look like?
She let go of the Sailors (who were glad to get some air back into
their lungs.) "I'm not dead, am I?"
"Nope," Sailor Uranus said.
MARS: Maybe when Misa gets her hands on you.
"And you're not my parents." It wasn't a question.
"In a way we are," Sailor Neptune said, "but no, we're not the ones
who brought you into your world."
SNAKE: No, but Vilhelm brought her into that world.
CONEJITO: Does that mean that Vilhelm is technically her father in
Sean's dimension.
MARS: Sean's dimension?
SNAKE: Who did you think it belonged to?
Sheila felt the tears gathering in her eyes again but forced them
down hard. She took a deep breath. "Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, I
am sorry. I thought--"
CONEJITO: (as Sheila) That you were some sort of undead zombies.
"We know," Sailor Neptune said. "That is one reason we wanted to
see you." She smiled, tears glittering in her own eyes. "You see, we
just had a child of our own, almost a year ago." She produced a photo
from her inter-dimensional pocket of an adorable toddler. "Her name is
Yurika Sheila Ten'ou-Kaioh."
SNAKE: Run, Sheila, run! There's nothing worse than a parent with baby
pictures.
Sheila's breath caught. "Yurika SHEILA?"
Sailor Uranus nodded. "Named after you. Sean showed us your
stories and--"
"You... you know--" Sheila blushed horribly. "I-I don't--" she
stuttered. Finally, she bowed low. "Gomen nasai!"
CONEJITO: What's she sorry for?
SNAKE: Being unworthy of the honor.
CONEJITO: She's not unworthy.
MARS: But she can be insecure.
"Sorry? What for?" Sailor Neptune asked.
"For... for a lot of things," Sheila said. "For being... me."
SNAKE: (as Sheila) When all this time I should have been _you_.
"Don't give me that crap," Sailor Uranus snarled. "You have
nothing to be ashamed of, girl."
CONEJITO: Davies.
MARS: How can you tell?
SNAKE: Hosmer is less on the swearing.
"We came here because we hope to see a glimmer of who OUR
daughter
might become in you," Sailor Neptune said. "And we want to tell you
that your parents would have been very proud of you, too."
"How... how did you know... how I felt?" Sheila stammered.
SNAKE: (as Neptune) Because among other things, I'm a licensed
psychiatrist. Amazing what a thousand years gives you time for.
MARS: I have a doctorate in mechanical engineering. Little known fact.
CONEJITO: Why?
MARS: (shrugs) I wanted to do something different.
"I'm a mother now, we know these things," Sailor Neptune said with
a smile.
SNAKE: Is that true?
MARS: Wouldn't know.
CONEJITO: I'm not sure if I count as a mother or not.
"If you ask me, that Priss bitch was a fool," Sailor Uranus added.
"And if I ever find that author of yours...." She pounded one fist into
her open palm. "We'll see if ANYONE can put him back together
again."
She smiled nastily.
MARS: Davies yeah. Hosmer wouldn't feel comfortable trashing Davies or
Priss, but Davies would do it.
(pauses)
MARS: And Priss is no fool. It's just that her heart had a prior
commitment.
CONEJITO: (hesitantly) Voice of experience?
Mars doesn't answer.
The lights flickered.
All three of them looked up in alarm. In a normal city, a
flickering light wouldn't rate much, but this was Crystal Tokyo. Such
things just didn't happen.
SNAKE: You can be sure that there'll always be plenty of light when a
youma eats you.
Then the lights went out.
Emergency lighting came on dimly and the three of them ran out into
the radio station proper. "What's going on?" Sailor Uranus asked.
SNAKE: (as Sean) The lights went out.
"I don't know!" Sean snapped, spinning a dial on his board. "One
moment, everything was fine, the next the POLICE BAND was going
crazy.
Everything went wrong at once. Riots, theft, muggings, telemarketing...
it's like someone declared open season on utopia."
SNAKE: Load my shotgun and pull!
Conejito thwaps him.
SNAKE: Sometimes I regress.
A sharp SNAP filled the air. Looking out the window, they all
stared in horror as one of the crystalline sides of a building across
the street broke off and plunged to the ground below.
MARS: You'd never see such shoddy construction in _my_ Crystal Tokyo.
"We have to get to the Queen, now!" Sailor Uranus snapped.
SNAKE: (as Uranus) This may be our one and only chance to assassinate
her!
He sees Mars glaring at him.
SNAKE: It was a joke! A joke!
"Methinks that whate'er the cause of this disaster, Lina is at the
heart of it," Athena said.
"Yeah, it'th her thtyle. Chaoth, math dethtruction, the workth!"
Chibi-Naga added.
SNAKE: Everyone likes to have a signature.
CONEJITO: Yeah, but I prefer something I can sew on my bedspread.
"Hotaru!" Sean said. "She's with that lunatic!"
"Okay, okay!" Sailor Uranus snapped. "You can all come. Just grab
hold of us!"
SNAKE: (hentai mode) Was that an invitation? Let me just get a nice,
tight grip.
They vanished in a burst of light.
MARS: Having suddenly imploded.
*****
The Glaive fell slowly from her nerveless hands. It hit the floor,
bounced slightly, and then clattered to a halt. Sailor Saturn would
have joined it, but the grip of the power-mad sorceress on her throat
kept her upright.
MARS: This Lina is really beginning to annoy me.
"Amusing," Lina said, her crystal eyes flashing as she grinned.
"Of all the Senshi, you posed the greatest threat... and you didn't even
cause me to break a sweat."
CONEJITO: If that's all she wants, I could loan her a copy of "Sweating to
the Oldies".
Saturn slowly lifted her head and, with great deliberation, spat in
Lina's face.
SNAKE: Are petty acts of hopeless defiance part of your standard
procedure?
MARS AND CONEJITO: Yes.
The grip on Sailor Saturn's throat tightened like a vise for a
second, then Lina forced her hand to relax. "Now, now, that wasn't very
nice," she said cheerfully. The spit on her cheek sizzled and vanished.
"I should be VERY angry with you for that, but a goddess should be
merciful, right?" Lina shook Sailor Saturn so her head nodded. "I'm SO
glad you agree. So, let me give you a gift..."
CONEJITO: A pony! I bet she wants a pony!
SNAKE: I don't think it's that kind of gift.
Sailor Saturn's uniform flickered, then dissolved into ribbons of
white and black, leaving Hotaru Gaffney-Tomoe naked in Lina's grip.
The
ribbons streamed into Lina's chest, absorbed like the Silver Crystals
had been.
SNAKE: Naked senshi alert!
MARS: Even by the most sarcastic of logic, how was that a gift? Lina
didn't give anything, she took.
CONEJITO: It's like the anti-gift.
"Mm-mm good," Lina said as she flung Hotaru to the floor. She then
held out her hand and the Silence Glaive flew into her grasp. "Thank
you, Sailor Saturn. Your power will give me the time I need for my
Ascension. Now, it's time for me to leave." Holding the Glaive over
her head, Lina vanished in a burst of silver light.
MARS: (as Dorothy) My, people come and go quickly around here.
Then another burst of light filled the room and six people (two
Sailors, one Senshi, one DJ, one Historian, and one brat) appeared.
"Hotaru!" Sean yelled, seeing his wife's still form. He ran over
to her, ahead of all the others, and touched her shoulder gently,
careful not to aggravate any injuries. "Hotaru," he whispered.
SNAKE: Because he didn't want to risk waking her up.
"S-Sean?" Hotaru gasped. "I tried... s-she..."
"Where is the Queen, Hotaru?" Sailor Uranus snapped. "What
happened to the Queen?"
CONEJITO: (as Lydia) Try using your eyes!
Hotaru reached out a trembling hand and pointed. Standing by the
door to the room was a giant crystal. Inside it, frozen with her arms
raised high and a pleading look on her face, was Serenity.
MARS: Lina dies now!
CONEJITO: Calm down, it's already over. (to Snake) What is it with
encasing people in crystal?
SNAKE: (defensive) It's just one of those things, ok?
*****
Tokyo-3
December 8, 2014
MARS: Not a good year.
"Haaaaapppy BIRTH-day... to me... happppy birth-DAY to... me...
happy birth... day... Misa--"
CONEJITO: That's so sad. Isn't there anyone to sing the birthday song for
her?
"Give me your Crystal at once, and you will not be injured."
Katsuragi Misato, Head of the Department of Strategy and Tactics of
the secret agency known as NERV, twenty eight years old, and currently
plastered, turned around to gently berate the one who had interrupted
her rendition of the birthday song. "Whyfuckyougoanddothat --" she
began, and then the one who had done so registered.
MARS: (looking at the screen) There's no way that's any version of
Serenity. (looks again) Maybe a kind of pathetic Serena...
CONEJITO: No way!
Short, with extremely pale skin. Vivid red hair. Crystalline
eyes. Holding a glaive in her arms.
Misato began to laugh.
SNAKE: Well Lina does look a bit silly, when you think about it. She's
not even dressed in black.
This was evidently not the reaction that Lina had been expecting.
"Why are you laughing at me?" she demanded.
"...Talk about your hallucinations. I mean, wow! Okay, the skin
is definitely Rei... the hair has Asuka written all over it. And the
glaive is... hey! I know where I --"
MARS: I'm not sure I've ever seen anybody quite that drunk.
"I am not a hallucination! Give me the Crystal, or you will die a
horrible death, Serenity!"
MARS: I've heard that one before.
"'Serenity'?" Misato asked cheerfully. "Oi, have you got the wrong
person..."
Lina examined the woman before her in closer detail, doing a
complete genetic scan, snarling at the waste of time and power. This
was, beyond any doubt, Serenity -- or Usagi, Serena, Bunny, or any of a
half-thousand other names she had been known as on various alternate
timelines -- but she showed no evidence of the magic of the Moon
Kingdom. An oddity of the timelines, perhaps. It didn't matter. Lina
had wasted her time coming to this dimension. The appropriate thing to
do would be to annihilate her and get on with it.
SNAKE: You can tell she's not good at this. It's tough to unkill people if
you decide you need them later. That's basic evil overlord strategy.
MARS: Most of the evil overlords I've met never seem to think of that.
SNAKE: Most of them aren't very good at it. If they were smart, they'd be
on the side of light.
CONEJITO: Because evil just doesn't pay.
She snorted, instead, and turned away. "You're pathetic. You're
not worth my time."
"Waaaah," Misato 'sobbed' mockingly. "My hallucination is being
mean to me..."
MARS: OK, maybe she sounds a bit like Serena.
CONEJITO: She does not!
Lina began to make preparations for her next dimensional jump,
absently gesturing with the Silence Glaive as she did so. The magic was
harder to call in this place than it had been in others that she'd
visited.
SNAKE: It helps if you build a big giant robot to channel it.
Finally, Misato let out a grin as she followed Lina's motions with
her eyes. "Yep! That's who I though you looked like. That girl... in
that TV series. Wossname. El-Hazard..."
The name didn't register with Lina. The portal opened.
"Ifurita," Misato said, finally remembering the name.
SNAKE: Ifurita has more talent.
Realizes Mars and Conejito are looking at him.
SNAKE: For destruction I mean. More talent for destruction!
THAT name, on the other hand, DID, and Lina turned around to
stare
at her just as the dimensional shift took her.
"Weee," Misato said to herself, "that was trippy. Maybe I've had
enough for tonight."
A few seconds passed.
"Nah," she answered herself, and tilted back another Yebisu.
MARS: Substitute food and she'd be just like...
CONEJITO: Don't even say it!
MARS: Oh, how would you know?!
*****
Crystal Tokyo
A little bit later...
Sailor Mars, or as she had once been known, Hino Rei, was annoyed.
MARS: I never liked that name. Ditched it for "Raye" the first chance I
got.
SNAKE: Such originality.
MARS: What do you mean?
SNAKE: You could have picked anything. Moonglow. Blossom.
Rainbow. Ifurita. Instead you went from "Rei" to "Raye".
MARS: I wouldn't think you had room to talk, "Snake".
This, in and of itself, was not surprising. The individual to whom she
was speaking had a unique ability to make her fly off the handle more
than any other living being.
MARS: When did Saotome show up?
The King of Crystal Tokyo and the Crown Princess Usagi were
standing in front of the crystal that contained the frozen form of their
respective wife and mother, pressing against it as if by will alone they
could free her from it. Sailor Mercury -- the real one -- was examining
the structure of the crystal with a frightened frown on her face.
CONEJITO: (as Athena) How am I less real than her? I think I've
actually got prior claim!
Sailors Venus, Jupiter, and the Asteroid Senshi were out in the streets
of Crystal Tokyo, trying to keep things from falling apart even more
than they had. Uranus was staring at the crystal with almost as much
anxiety on her features as there was on King Endymion's, while Neptune
was keeping an eye on the red-haired girl that she had introduced to the
others as her daughter from another universe. Sheila, if that was in
fact her name, was standing apart from the rest with a haunted
SNAKE: I bet her _real_ name is "Shila" but Mars convinced her to
change it.
MARS: Will you just let it go.
expression on her face. Near her was the alternate version of Mercury,
who seemed to be going out of her way to avoid the real one. If Mars
had had time to think about it, this would have made her EXTREMELY
suspicious.
SNAKE: Because she's naturally paranoid.
MARS: And not a bit ashamed of it.
At that point, however, Mars' attention was focused on Sean, who
was cradling the now-blanketed form of his wife as she trembled quietly.
MARS: Oh yeah, Serenity's stuck inside a magic crystal and I'm wasting
my time with SI-boy.
SNAKE: Definitely Hosmer.
Because this was all HIS fault.
"--and of course, you HAD to talk Pluto into giving you that
uplink, Gaffney," Mars ranted. "Now, in addition to being a complete
embarrassment to the Palace with those bloody stories, your radio
station has become a magnet for invading weirdos from every alternate
reality out there! Dammit, Sean, this is --"
CONEJITO: Now I get it!
MARS: What?
CONEJITO: Don't you get it, Raye? The other universe version of you was
set up not to like Sean. You naturally feel the same way.
SNAKE: And irrationally so. By the above argument, it's Pluto's fault.
She's the one who should have known better.
"Leave him alone."
Mars blinked. In the thousand years of her life, she couldn't
recall ANYONE talking to her like that. Her grandfather had cajoled,
her Queen had politely guided her in the correct way, but no one had
ever simply given her a blunt order in the way that Sheila Ten'kai just
had.
SNAKE: And she liked it. She really liked it. This was obviously what
had been missing in her sexual life all those years.
Snake dodges a fireball.
SNAKE: I'm just doing my job!
MARS: Do it on someone else!
"Excuse me?" she bit out. "Who do you think you are, telling me
what--"
Sheila stopped her with a simple glare. "Who do I think I am?
I'll tell you who I think I am." She was silent for a long moment, then
drew a long, shuddering breath. "I'm the one whose fault all of this
is."
SNAKE: Stop right there. I can't agree. All she did was try to help get a
ritual back under control. It's mostly Lina's fault, with a bit of Elder
Mercury's for putting the Crystal in danger of being sucked away.
Uranus jerked her head around. As one, she and Neptune took a step
towards her. "Sheila, that's not --" Neptune began.
"Yes, it is. I just realized it. If I hadn't messed up Lina's
spell, we wouldn't have been thrown through the dimensions, and
Athena
wouldn't have been drawn into the stream with us, and she wouldn't have
had the Silver Crystal with her --"
CONEJITO: (as Uranus) And if you had never been born, you couldn't
have disrupted the ritual. Obviously it's your parents' fault.
Athena opened her mouth to voice an objection to that, but Sheila
kept on talking, her voice beginning to take a manic note. "--and Lina
wouldn't have BOUND herself to the Crystal, and she wouldn't have
been
HERE, and she wouldn't have gone NUTS, and this CITY wouldn't be
falling
apart, and your Queen wouldn't be in that crystal, and Lina wouldn't be
out in the universe trying to become a GOD!! DAMMIT ALL TO
HELL,
IT'S
ALL MY FAULT!" Sheila screamed the last.
SNAKE: This is sad. I expect better reasoning from an academic.
MARS: I don't know. I mean, she's right that she did set everything in
motion.
CONEJITO: But it wasn't really her fault.
It was a day for things to happen to Mars that had never happened
before, as she found herself backing down beneath the shame and guilt
that were written all over Sheila's eyes.
MARS: Absentmindedly I wondered if the "shame" and "guilt" were
written on some sort of contact lens, or if it was tattooed on the eye itself.
Neptune, on the other hand, took three quick steps forward, seized
Sheila by the shoulders, and began to shake her. "Stop it!" Kaioh
Michiru said in an angry tone. "Stop it right now! NOBODY blames
you
for what happened! It was NOT your fault!"
"Yes it was."
SNAKE: This is lowering my respect for Sheila.
CONEJITO: Sheila didn't say that, Pluto did.
SNAKE: She left herself open to Pluto's blatant emotional manipulation.
MARS: You know, sometimes I have a rather low opinion of my fellow
senshi.
SNAKE: And other times?
MARS: I'd like to kill her.
The voice came from behind her, and Neptune whirled, her eyes full
of almost psychopathic anger. "NO IT--!" She broke off as she saw
whom
she was addressing.
Pluto was standing a few feet away. She was giving Sheila a very
hard stare, with a small amount for Neptune as well. It was possibly
the grimmest they'd ever seen the teenaged reincarnation of their old
friend. "You're quite right, Ms. Ten'kai. Everything that has happened
since you decided to take matters into your own hands in Lina's
laboratory is your fault."
SNAKE: I'm not going to argue the point anymore. I'll just note that it's
when Pluto displays this sort of attitude that one feels inclined to destroy
the solar system for the sheer pleasure of pissing her off.
"That is unfair!" Athena suddenly protested. She recognized the
garb of the Senshi Pluto, but the current wearer bore little if any
resemblance to the ancient and wearily wise Senshi that Athena
remembered. "No small portion of the blame must descend to myself
and
to mine Elder! Were it not for the experiment that we conducted, the
worlds would not now be in such peril! It is unjust to lay all the
blame at Sheila-chan's door!"
MARS: What's the point of playing the blame game anyway? It's done and
the important thing is to fix it. Do either of you think Sheila needs to be
guilted into playing hero?
Silence.
MARS: Neither do I, and I've watched her grow up. Sometimes Pluto
mystifies me.
It was at that point that a second Pluto stepped out of thin air to
stand beside the younger Pluto. This one looked exactly identical to
the Senshi of Athena's memories and to the Pluto who had died in the
war
with the Black Moon, whom most of those had known for much of their
lives present had known for much of their lives. "And what if I were to
say, Athena of the House of Vulcan, that your Elder had been acting
under orders I had given long ago about what was to be done in the event
that things occurred as they did?" she asked calmly.
CONEJITO: (as Athena) I'd say that makes it _your_ fault. It's a good
thing we finally got blame properly assigned.
SNAKE: (as Sheila) So I guess that means you get to be the one to track
Lina down and get the Crystals back.
MARS: (as Mars) Have fun and don't let the door hit your ass on the way
out.
Athena swallowed involuntarily. "What of it?" she answered. "We
are not fashioned of Vulcan clockwork, to move only according to a
pattern laid down by some artisan. My Elder chose to obey your
commands, and I chose to obey hers."
CONEJITO: Actually, I thought Athena wasn't going to obey her Elder's
commands. Things just shoved along before she could put up effective
resistance.
"Could it be that your determination to demand that part of the
blame be assigned to you arises from your attraction to Ten'kai?" Pluto
asked calmly. Mercury froze where she was standing, and turned to look
in Athena's direction with GLACIAL slowness.
SNAKE: (as Athena) Oh no you don't. I saw her first!
"I ask again, what boots it?" Athena snapped, now feeling more
anger than fear. "I respect and admire my dear friend for far more than
her beauty. It is not JUST that she should bear the burden of shame for
these events alone!"
MARS: I'm going to have to have a _long_ talk with Sheila. They're
losing precious time sitting around debating. The important thing is to
figure out who has the best chance of succeeding, not who's to blame.
SNAKE: Oh give her a break. She's just a mild-mannered historian.
"Athena..." Sheila whispered, looking at the blue-haired girl...
the one that she would never be able to see as her Aunt Amy ever again.
It was then that ANOTHER Pluto stepped out of thin air, to flank
the younger Pluto on the opposite side of where "Athena's" Pluto stood.
CONEJITO: What's the right wording? A flock of Plutos?
SNAKE: I'd say a plague of Plutos would be the more appropriate term.
She gave Athena a quick glance. "The Martians of Sheila's dimension
had
a saying: 'One should never be found in the company of one with whom
you
would not be glad to die.'" Then she focused on Sheila. "It is one
thing to accept responsibility for something, and another thing entirely
to work to correct what was done, Sheila."
SNAKE: (as Sheila) I hope you won't have to work too hard to manage it!
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
"Really?"
ALL: Noooooo. Not _really_!
There was nothing in Pluto's voice to warn her, but she knew
somehow. "I'M willing. I won't sacrifice other people to accomplish my
goals. But if it costs me my life, I WILL fix it."
For the longest moment of Sheila's life, Pluto's face was
absolutely still. Then a small, quiet smile crossed it. "It is good,"
SNAKE: (as Pluto) To see that I can still inspire slavish obedience.
(pauses) Come on! Why am I doing all the work ripping on Pluto here?
MARS: It's not that I don't agree with you in a way.
CONEJITO: It's just that Pluto is working for the greater good. And no
matter how heartless she seems, she really does care.
MARS: (pleased) That's right. I wish you could come back to Crystal
Tokyo with me. For some reason, I'd really like to be friends.
CONEJITO: (voice cracking) As far as I'm concerned, we are.
Pluto murmured, "to see that my habit of underestimating my charges
has
diminished a bit."
The trio of Plutos exchanged a look, and then nodded as one.
"We'll let you handle the details, Setsuna-chan," the one on the younger
Pluto's right said.
"After all, this is your territory, Setsuna-chan," the Pluto to the
left concurred.
SNAKE: So in a way.... the Plutos are like the Green Lantern Corps. Vast
cosmic power with huge territories to oversee.
"Ganbatte kudasai ne," they said in chorus, and vanished.
'Setsuna-chan' stood very still, her eyes closed and her mouth
clenched. Then she let out her breath in a long sigh, and looked up.
"Sheila and Athena. The two of you are hereby charged to prevent Lina
Inverse from causing the death of whichever universe she's in at the
time -- and possibly a few others as well -- when she makes her bid for
godhood."
MARS: (as mission impossible Pluto) If you are captured or fail, I will
disavow any knowledge.
SNAKE: (to Mars) Good to see you can crack jokes about all this. I was
worried.
MARS: Remember, for me it's already over.
"Huh?" Sheila asked.
"Lina realized the truth of what Serenity was telling her about the
limits of her ability to use the power she was seeking. So she's going
to attempt to exceed those limits... by transcending mortality. She
will become, in essence a goddess, if she is successful.
"HOWEVER, if she is successful, the final burst of energy will
devastate whichever universe she is in at the time. The possibility
also exists that the backlash from the destruction of the Silver
Crystals when she Ascends could destroy the universes from which they
came."
MARS: A most serious matter.
SNAKE: But hey, let's be wacky and leave it up to a historian and an
antique senshi of ice.
CONEJITO: Who wants to become a goddess anyway? Being human is
loads better.
"You mean that it would destroy the Silver Millenium," Athena
whispered, for once not using her archaic mode of address.
SNAKE: And here if they're successful the Silver Millenium might last one
whole year more.
"And this world, as well." And then Pluto did something very
strange. She walked over to where Sean was holding Hotaru tightly, and
laid a hand on the weakened Sailor's stomach. "And that would be a
terrible thing, ne, Hotaru-chan?" she whispered.
"Well, yeah, I mean everybody dying, that's a terrible thing, yes,
I think it would be safe to say --" Sean babbled.
CONEJITO: She wasn't talking to him.
MARS: Yes she was.
SNAKE: Being the Sailor of Time must be fun. You get to ruin everybody
else's surprises.
"Sean, grab a clue."
A long, shuddering breath was drawn. "I'm gonna be a Dad?" he
asked in a very small voice.
SNAKE: Barring universal destruction.
Setsuna nodded.
Sean fainted.
"So," Pluto continued, turning back to look at Sheila and Athena.
"You two have to find a way to prevent Lina from Ascending. And
before
you ask, no, I DON'T know how you're going to go about doing
something
like that. I only know that it CAN be done. It's for the two of you to
find out how."
CONEJITO: At least they know it can be done.
SNAKE: Probably at the cost of something really horrible happening to
someone.
MARS: That _is_ standard procedure.
Sheila drew in a deep breath. "Okay. When do I --
"-- WE --" Athena interjected.
"-- start."
"Immediately." Pluto walked over, gesturing for Sheila to give her
the D-Hopper. Once she had it, she did some things to it -- making
modifications that Sheila and Athena couldn't understand. Satisfied,
she then handed it to Athena. "Now it's the cross-time equivalent of a
bloodhound, with the scent of the odd harmonics between the Silver
Crystals of Earth-BH and Earth-SG. Theoretically, Lina's acquisition of
other Crystals won't change those harmonics, though they may become
fainter. You may consider that to be additional incentive to stop her
from gaining other Crystals," Pluto concluded.
SNAKE: She slices, she dices, she modifies D-hoppers to be tracking
devices. Is there anything the woman can't do?
MARS: The job, apparently.
Sheila nodded, then turned to Uranus and Neptune. They were
gazing
at her with worry in their eyes. Sheila opened her mouth to start
saying something several times. "I'll make it right," she finally
blurted.
"Of course you will," Uranus said, her voice coming out oddly.
Neptune, it seemed, had nothing to say. But her eyes spoke
volumes.
SNAKE: *sniff* This gets to me some.
MARS: Really?
SNAKE: I'm a sucker for teary good-byes.
Sheila nodded, only barely holding back the tears as she turned to
stand beside Athena. She indicated to the Senshi to press the button,
and in a flash of light, they were gone.
Perhaps it was only in Neptune's imagination that she heard the
words "Goodbye... mom."
"HEY! BATHTARDTH! YOU FORGOT ME!"
CONEJITO: Hahahahah! Don't worry Naga-chan, you're probably better
off.
END PART ONE
MARS: Well, we made it through part one.
SNAKE: It wasn't a cliffhanger ending, but it'll do.
MARS: Not a cliffhanger? You've got them rushing off to stop Lina from
destroying the universe(s).
SNAKE: Yeah, but there's no sudden stop. No "what the hell is going to
happen now?" No monster suddenly leaping out of the darkness.
MARS: Well you have to admit that Lina is getting steadily worse and
worse with every action she takes.
SNAKE: True. Encasing my daughter in crystal didn't surprise me all that
much, but what she did to Saturn was just-
Dead silence.
SNAKE: Whoops.
An expression of dawning horror and comprehension on her face, Mars
stares at Snake. She lifts one trembling hand and conjures a ball of fire,
lighting the dim theater. In the firelight Snake's face is put into sharp
relief, giving his features a sudden sinister cast.
Mars raises her other hand in front of her face, extending it so that it
blocks a portion of Snake's face. So that she could see him as if he only
had one eye.
MARS: YOU.... _YOU_!
Snake (oh heck, let's call him who he is) Ourranos begins speaking
desperately, urgently.
OURRANOS: Yes, I am Ourranos. But you have to believe me. I'm NOT
EVIL ANYMORE!
MARS: YOU KILLED-
Mars is foaming at the mouth far to much to finish a coherent sentence.
Disdaining her powers, she leaps at Ourranos, clutching his throat. She is
beyond sanity, intent on strangling the life out of him with her bare hands.
CONEJITO: Stop, don't hurt him!
Not surprisingly, Mars ignores her. In desperation, Conejito rips off
her hat, allowing her features to come to light. She is identical to Queen
Serenity. Same eyes, same mouth, same nose. There is only one
difference. She has no crescent moon mark on her forehead.
CONEJITO: (voice now identical to Serenity's) Please Raye, you have to
stop. He's not the same man anymore. You can't kill him.
Mars' eyes are drawn to the unmasked figure before her. Her fingers
involuntarily loosen as she takes in the face and voice.
MARS: S- Serenity?
CONEJITO: (suddenly very calm) No Raye, not Serenity. It's me, Serena.
Serena Tsukino. Long time no see.
The grip around Ourranos's throat goes slack, enough for him to turn his
head and face the camera.
OURRANOS: Now folks, _this_ is a cliffhanger!