knew he would have to make sure. "Did we get the aircraft carriers?" He 

he

	"Aircraft Carriers, Sir?" the aide looked puzzled. 

The

	"That's right," The admiral said, impatiently, "were the aircraft 
carriers destroyed?"  

the

	The admiral leaned against his desk, feeling the weight of the world on 
his shoulders. "Kuso," he muttered.

Kuso? What's wrong with "Shit", "Damn" or something similar?

	"We just lost the war," The admiral said, rubbing his temples. 

the

	"I told them." The admiral said, now barely aware of his aide's 

them," the
Really, try to learn how this is supposed to work. It *is* simple.

was right�How much time before the enemy retaliated? They would probably 

          ^
I suspect that is supposed to be "...", or something?

attack as soon as they were able to rebuild their fleet. And after that 
how much time would he have before they won? Two years? Three at most? 
There was no way of knowing. 

that, how

	It was best to play it safe, the aide reasoned. One of the first things 

The aide found it best to play it safe.

that his sensei had beaten into him, as a student, was a well-developed 

scratch "that"

		Prologue 2
	Nodoka Saotome watched, her husband, of seven years, in shocked 
disbelief, as he put on his old gi. "A training trip?" She asked.

*all* the commas in that sentence should go away. :-)
she

	Genma collapsed under a final blow, from an ironing board. In a minute, 
he thought, she would probably go for that blasted sword. For a moment, 
he thought of trying to appeal to her, slightly dated, sense of honor by 
promising to commit Seppuku, if he failed. But then it occurred to him, 
he had no idea how the war would end, who knew what the Americans were 
capable of? Could, even, he leave his wife to that? For once in his 
life, Genma Saotome decided to do the honorable thing and act for the 
good of his family. "Nodoka-chan please!" He begged. "We will make him 
into a man together." 

I must say, this prologue doesn't feel *all* that necessary. Cut it out;
when we see them all together in the actual story, we'll understand, and
you can add a not as to why when it is questioned. You really should
try to get to the actual *plot* as soon as possible; show the past only
when it becomes necessary for understanding.

The first one *does* feel to have some relevance in defining the time
of the story, though you might consider cutting it sligthly, but *ONE*
prologue is more than enough.

	The Vendor nodded. "Yeah, I was afraid of that." He said sadly. "Aint 

Ain't

"look at it this way. You owe me for all the food, your brat stole the 

food your

				An Undoing World
				By Tony Kushner

A quote perhaps just a *WEE* bit too long for inclusion.
	

	Nabiki his middle daughter came next.  She was still dressed in her 

Nabiki, his middle daughter, came

work clothes, and looked fairly impatient.  Soun frowned, although she 

frownad; although

was doing well in school, and had a part time job as a clerk in a nearby 

did well in school

company, she did seem to enjoy giving him problems. Did she really think 

she seemed to

	Finally, there was his youngest, Akane, she was still dressed in her 
yellow workout gi. Of the three girls she was the only one who had any 
interest in the Tendou legacy. She had studied the art since her mother 
had died, and it would be only a matter of time before she could beat 
even him. He had heard that she was having trouble in school, something 
about fighting.  He had to admit his darling youngest daughter had a bit 
of a temper.

Hm. Just a thought, but wasn't the occupational forces somewhat negative
to the practice of martial arts. You might put in a note about how this
has affected them.

	Seeing them together made him realize just how lucky he was. In the 
firebombing, that destroyed most of Tokyo, the Tendou dojo had been only 

firebombing that

slightly damaged, and the Tendou family had suffered only one casualty. 
Soun nearly burst into tears, when he thought of his dear departed wife,

tears when
 

	Before Soun could say anything, there was a knock on the door. "That 
must be them now," he said, getting up. "Saotome! Old friend! At last 
you're here!" He shouted running to the door with Nabiki right behind 

door, with

important to explain, when they arrive."

explain when

	Ukyo shrugged, "it sounded like Ranchan, and Pop," She said quietly.  

Ranchan and

	Nodoka turned to the Tendous to gauge their reactions. "Hot water 
reverses it." She said producing a kettle and proceeded to turn her son, 

said, producing

	Nodoka remembered the valley clearly. It was quite beautiful in the 
morning mist, Hundreds of springs as far as the eye could see bamboo 

hundreds

sticks poking out of each pool could be seen every where. Despite the 

everywhere

valley's natural beauty, however, the first thing that she had noticed, 
was their guide's uniform. He was clearly a civil servant, but she could 

noticed was

not recognize his uniform. It was clearly not one that she had ever seen 
any of the Nationalists wear. It was then when she knew that the 

That was when she realized that the

You know, at this point, the guide (being, after all, Chinese) has good
reason to be outright *HOSTILE* to Japanese visitors. Generally, they
would have a very hard time in China, and not just because of the
civil war...

	The guide had laughed. "Ah Mrs. Customer is so funny. Their no curse. 
Is just dated bourgeois superstition used to draw tourists. You be 
surprised. No one come when we talk 'bout scenic views."

Haha. :D

	Her darling little Ucchan, who had always been so brash and impulsive 
had seen too much and retreated further and further into her protective 

impulsive, had

	Ranma and Genma jumped from pole to pole. Neither able to get the upper 

pole, neither

the business end of a katana pointing at his throat. 
	"So that is how it happened." Soun said. "I have heard stories of 
Jusenkyo but only now does the true horror become apparent."

Gakk. *NOT* a smooth transition. You should not, definitely, have the
"*FLASHBACK*" markers that some people enjoy, but on the other hand,
an empty line inserted in between might be a good idea here.

once, this would have never of happened."

of? Why on earth is there an "of" there?

	"That's enough, Ranma, put him down" Nodoka said, in a tone that 

down,"

brooked no contradiction. Ranma obeyed, and sat down.  Nodoka turned and 

brooked?

bowed to Soun. "Forgive our bad manners, Tendou-San. As I was saying, 
that when I began to question the guide, he was more then willing to 

scratch "that"

provide everything, he knew, about the cursed springs.  He didn't seem 

everything he knew about

	"Yes I see." Soun said stroking his mustache deep in thought. "Well, 

Yes, I see

what you told me your problem isn't quite as bad as we thought." He 

from what you've told me, your

	As always C+C, suggestions and fact checking are welcome and 
appreciated. 

Well.

The *writing* is rough and a bit clumsy, and could definitely live with
a bit of more work and thought put into it. Most especially, commation
is often so wildly of track it seems almost random. Try reading the whole
thing aloud to yourself; you should notice where you actually pause in
your speech.

The story itself... Way too many alternaverses start with the standard
Ranma-arrives-scene without actually *changing* anything beyond a few
words here and there, even when the character-gallery isn't even the
same... yet here I think for once you are actually *JUSTIFIED* in putting
it in; the scene unfolds quite differently and starts showing up much
of the difference.

Things have only *vaguely* begun moving yet, but I think this could
make an interesting read; just try to give it a somewhat coherent,
driving plot so it won't just be a lot of unconnected happenings, and
capitalize and show as much as possible the changes that this
time-period brings to the characters and their surroundings (even
more than you're already doing, though there were some fine touches
already in this fic). Also, I suggest you try to avoid temptation of
following the original series and showing the same events in the same
order with changed detials.

Good luck!

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."