Ronny Hedin <thark@hem2.passagen.se> wrote:

place definitely gave him the creeps. He'd be glad when his unit shipped

out to

somewhere, anywhere else.

Looks like broken line breaks in this paragraph, unless it's *my* mailer
acting up?

It looks fine from here.

(hm. it does continue throughout the fic, btw)

The last line doesn't quite sound right to me; IMO, either
"somewhere, anywhere." or "somewhere else - *anywhere* else."

Will consider changing it.

I know you commented on it before, but Sarlag really *does* sound like
a name out of some cheesy SF novel (or movie). :-)

I've gotten enough complaints about this guy's name that I suppose I'll
*have* to pick a different one.

Bleah. Feh. Few things will produce an instant reaction of utter despise
as much as this... but I guess you are aware of that. And of course, we'll all
be very, very angry if he doesn't get his just desserts - which unfortunately
also means that it's very predictable that this *WILL* lead to trouble.

Well, yeah, what happens to Rou and the readers' reactions toward him
should be no great surprise... I'm more interested in what people think
about Sarlag for what he does (and doesn't do).

	Kodachi laughed. "Oh, I'm only teasing!" But her voice had a malicious
edge to it that belied her words.

IMO: "Oh, I'm only teasing!" Kodachi laughed, but her voice had a...

Nah, she laughs before she says the line.

	"I'm gonna beat you, y'know. All I need to do is figure out how you've
been cheatin'. Then we'll go at it fair and square, hard and fast, and you'll
see, I'll be the one who comes out on top." Ranma winced, probably at his own
choice of words. It was lucky that Akane was asleep, Tofu thought.

that Akane slept

That doesn't seem to say quite what I want to say with this. How about
'Luckily, Akane was asleep?'

	And if he survived until it was all over, then nothing would keep him

>from confronting Kasumi. But for now, he couldn't let that get in the way.
Like

it or not, he had to play the nice guy one more time. Above all, he had to

keep

alert, and keep his wits about him. This was serious business.

Which implies that somehow Tofuu has changed to not really *being* a
nice guy? Hm, interesting...

No, that's not what I mean by 'play.' I mean 'serve in the role of,' as
when someone 'plays the fool.'

	She felt herself being thrown down onto the ground. She lay on her back,
looking up at the darkening evening sky. The man... the man stood,

watching her

with eyes as hard and cold as steel.

ground, and she lay 

Will consider.

	"Er... yes. Excuse me." Kodachi nodded curtly, and stood, moving over to
the ladies' room.

Sudden sugar overdose? :-)

Finally, we discover HaM-Kodachi's sole vulnerability! Wait 'til part 8
where she's defeated by a rendition of the Barney song! :-)

	The last bit of food on Kasumi's plate was finished. She wiped her mouth

Err... Was finished? Really, doesn't that sound just a *bit* clumsy?

Well, kinda vague anyway. Will change to something else.

IMO, "technique, when used with swords and the like, produced"

for
its wearer. Kasumi remembered how Akane had had such a thing at one time.

IMO, had owned

Will consider both changes.

>From there they will fly to Xi Ning tonight, and tomorrow it's on to the 

As you see, there was a ">" here that shouldn't be.

That's one of those E-mail glitches; it happens anytime a line begins
with "from."

	A smooth voice issued forth from the computer speaker. "Windows
zero-three conflict error. This application will shut down due to an error.
Please reboot your system."

Some things never change, eh? :-)

Hey, it *has* changed! It uses voice synthesis now! ^_^

	Mu Si sat on the bed as he flipped through the TV channels. Finding
nothing interesting, he switched it off. yawned, stretched, and didn't feel

                                       ^
That's supposed to be a comma, right?

Yeah, I'll correct.

	Thanks for reading, and as always, I'd like to know what you thought.

I think I like this chapter a lot more than the last one ... perhaps becuase
it feels like it focuses on the characters and their changes again, rather than
the development of the actual plot. And of course, many warm and/or slightly
humorous scenes ... to a degree that I'm expecting all *HELL* to break loose
in the next one.

Thanks. The next couple of chapters will see a fair amount of action, as
our heroes finally get into action against the Mongols. But there'll be
no shortage of character interaction stuff either.

As always, I greatly appreciate the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics