Ayeka had had difficulty adjusting to all of the changes in
the last week.  She, a Princess of the planet Jurai, with her
long, intricately styled purple hair and her decorative Juraian
robes, found herself stranded on a backwater planet -- well, a

This seems to be a strange reason to bring up her hair and clothes...
Does having purple hair make being stranded on earth worse? Really,
it sounds a bit awkward putting it there.

lost Juraian colony, at least -- called earth.  She had to share a

*E*arth

       Barely managing to block the attacks, Yohko stumbled
over a large clump of grass.  The next kick sent her tumbling
backwards into the ivy -- and right through it.  The stuff had
been left alone for so long that it extended nearly three feet
beyond the wall.
       "Not good enough!" her grandmother growled.

Missing a line there.

held it, she felt a sensation run up her arm, as if the thing really
were possessed with magical power.   Her Devil Hunter ring

the thing - it - was

It was evening, and with storm clouds overhead, it was quickly
growing dark.  Outside the girl's dorm, oblivious to the lightly
falling rain, a girl with dark skin and curly black hair was
tending the rose bushes, carefully trimming dead leaves and
branches.

"tended" rather than "was tending"

like Nabiki's own older sister to turn her stomach -- whether

>from homesickness, or sugar overdose, Nabiki wasn't quite

sure which.  The girl had the same "happy airhead" presence as
Kasumi, too.

"which" is a bit redundant with "whether" in the beginning of the
sentence; scratch it.

Author's notes on timing of events: I can already hear people
complaining about my having compressed events into too little
time in my story, so I thought I'd provide a little
timeline/argument of events for those who care or are
confused.

Nothankyouverymuch. I think it's rather nice that you've kept
from going into *too* much details about the events before
the start of the story itself.

On the whole, this story is a rather interesting one, and a bit
amusing. Do continue!

---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
                    "Momomoto, famous japanese, can swallow his nose."