-----Original Message-----
From: Trakal <Trakal@map.com>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>; trakal@map.com <trakal@map.com>
Date: 20 March 1999 21:06
Subject: [FFML] [shortfic][?] A Warm September Day

A Warm September Day.
---------------------

Hello to Trakal and anyone else reading this! :)
I'm not as thorough as I should be but here are a few errors I think I did
see.

grandchild on his lap, telling one of his many tales. "What a
wonderful grandfather you have." She told the child inside her.

~wonderful grandfather you have," she told~

"I must get to the hospital," she told her rescuer, vaguely,
"I'm having a baby."

~What's vague about what she said? Sounds pretty clear to me.~

"The ambulance will be here soon." Her father's voice replied.

~will be here soon," her father's voice replied.~

"Thank you, father." She replied, as still another pain hit. "Oh

~"Thank you, father," she replied~

kami-sama! I think its coming out!" She bent her legs as she'd

~I think it's coming out!"~

The woman's husband and the ambulance got to the end of the path
leading to the house and temple. The husband saw the ambulance
and quickly realized what was happening. He followed the
ambulance to the house.

<snippety-snip!>

After an overnight stay in the hospital, the baby was allowed to
go home. They decided it would be best for the mother to stay
for a week to give her a chance to rest and recouperate from her
ordeal.

~Maybe it's just me but after she started to have contractions, this story
seemed to be more narrative than anything else. Perhaps a bit of expansion
is in order. For example, talk about how the father feels when he sees the
ambulance. It just seemed to lack any emotion or hook.~
~Oh yeah, and it's "recuperate" not "recouperate".~

After a week in the hospital, she returned home. There she was
reuinited with her father, husband and her baby boy.

~spelling: should be "reunited"~

"I'll never get any sleep." She sighed.

~sleep," she sighed. ~

And as she rocked the baby in her arms and sang a sweet lullaby
to him, she realized that she wouldn't want it any other way.

This bit, I liked a lot. Simple but effective, not underdone but not
over-stressed. ^_^

Overall, I liked this sweet little story and it was nicely written with a
gentle style. It just feels that it's lacking something in some parts and
needs to be expanded upon. Although, I have no clue about which series it is
but I can't wait to find out what it is as knowing me (as I do :p), I've
probably seen this series and forgot about this part!

All this C&C is IMHO, by the way.

~Kayu-chan