I will have to say that for all the wierd things you and Baliesu-sama do with
this story, it still comes of well and very consistent.  In looking it over, I
found nothing that screams needing a line for line comments.

I found no obvious spelling, plot, or grammar errors, but there are some
inconsistancies I feel I should bring to your attention.

It must be just me, because I truely didnt see a transition from the
cannonical Venus to the Venus we see in this scene.  It seemed to me that all
of the sudden we had Venus acting like Athena.  I can buy the senshi growing
up in that regard, but I still dont see this.  And I especially dont see Venus
acting like this in public.  Then again, I didnt notice when you introduced
those two from Kimigure Orange road in previous chapters either... Since
discussions here makes it plain that the two of them have spent time with the
other two.

Moving on, not much to comment on the Hotaru / Setsuna scene, but it was a
nice tranquil moment that shows there is more to the lady from Pluto than
showing up and saying if you dont do something, the world is doomed.  Heck, I
just realised something as well.  There is no reason why Pluto, as the
mistress of time should have to miss out on a normal life.  Being able to move
through time as she does there is no reason she couldnt go guard the gate of
time for a month, then pop back into "reality" a second after she left, enjoy
a month in 'real time', then pop back to the gate, etc....  But I digress...

Speaking of time, the Zodiac has been strangely silent of late.  We still run
into Gemini -P, but I was of the opinion that by now enough time had passed
that Gemini was no longer accendant.  Other than that, this scene played well.

Derith.'s arrival....  Considering the by play between him and Bob, I'm
surprised he didnt take a shot at his companion about the fact that Bob there
set them down in Nerima ward instead of Juuban....  and what is this with
trying to make at least side refferences to just about every other Anime in
existance???

The conversation about the bow.  Way to much time is mentioned in this
conversation.  In fact, the only amount of time that the Bow really should
have been in Elven hands is during the time between the fall of the SiM and
now.  Prior to that, there would ususally be a serving Sailor Venus who had
posession of the Bow, would there not?

The shower scene:  I thought Clark's last name was Kent.  Who is this Magusen
person?  And if he's a teacher, I dont really think they would be bold enough
to adress him as anything other than using the -sensei honorific, even if they
thought he couldnt hear it.  Also, this whole Athena bit is getting WAY to out
of control.

The Elves arrival:  The shot about being there just last week doesnt work.
Sure DIA was there last week, but that says NOTHING about when Esien was there
last.  To work, she needs to note that she KNEW Esien was on earth a week or
two ago, which then leads to Esien asking how she knew, which brings up the
Victora secret sale bit.  However, that would then bring up the issue of if
Esien was in town, why he didnt look up pluto....  In the end, Drop the crack
about the long lost prodigals, IMO, and just have her note that it looks the
same as when she was there a week or two ago.  This sets up the punchline well
enough with minor disruption to the rest.  And if Nightstalkers can make
themselves invisible, why bother with dressing like Men In Black?  (who also
usually dont wear trenchcoats, btw)

Hectate Vs.  Luna: Also doesnt play well.  Unless there was more than one
Venusian Cat advisor to the Serenity line, Luna would HAVE to be part of
Usagi's life, there's no one else assigned to the job.  And personally, this
is one cat I would nominate for being used as a Kitty Football.

The Attorney scene:  1) If Clark's last name is Maguson, why would he be the
brunt of superman jokes?  It only works if his last name is Kent, which I
thought it was.  It also screams to me that we now know who the white knight
is. 

The Running amock with the bow bit....  everyone else seems to only be
affected by the first PERSON they see.  This means the bit about shooting the
kid who then falls in love with his can of Dr. Pepper does not parse true.
Funny, but glaringly inconsistant.  As to the Vice Principal: I would feel
that he would get that sort of dedication to honor and dicipline from old
samurai movies, not old WWII movies.  Also, I dont think WWII would be a very
popular topic in Japan, seeing as how they kinda got stomped on.

Hectate Vs Luna Rnd 2:  How does Hectate know that this is a school for
commoners?  2, How is it that she can possibly expect Luna to dictate to
someone?  She is an advisor, not Usagi's parent.  3)  Hectate should be well
aware of the fact that since the fall of the SiM most people no longer know
about Venusian cats and their ability to speak.  Since Usagi is a minor, how
could Luna POSSIBLY dictate what school Usagi goes to since that choice is
made by her PARENTS, not Luna?

And Luna is obviously a very sweet person under all that properness installed
by her mother, or she would have told her to get stuffed long ago.  Nice job
of having Artemis be something other than comic relief.

The whole Makoto / Clark thing seems a bit unrealistic.  Makoto was always
known as boy crazy....  yet all through this chapter she tries to deny that
she thinks someone is cute.  This also does not parse true, especially
considering what happens after Clark rescues her.

Item next to last:  I've mentioned that I think this Athena thing has been
taken way to far, haven't I?  Not to mention the fact that regardless of what
Dia claims at one point, Athena IS acting like a slut now.  I have yet to see
her show ANY signs of pickyness.  The personality I see from Athena is that of
a Nymphomaniac, not that of a hedonist who seeks out the best there is and
seduces them.  The athena I see here just wants IT, and doesnt seem to care
who she has to jump to get IT.


Item last:  I would consider turning Minako into an Elf to be a very bad
thing.  Clearly, the elves are a separate race, and the line of Senshi are
human.  Once Minako is no longer human, she should no longer be Senshi.
Granted, you could bring out later that she is more of an Honorary elf, but
that is no reason to stick elf ears on her, other than its just plain funny.