Miko Wrote:
(massive snips)

It was a overcast Tuesday when they buried the ashes of
Saotome Genma.

Woo hoo!  What a great opening!

I agree... not that it was a great opening, although I agree with that as
well ^_-... but that it's always best to start a fic by getting write into
the action. Keeps people from deleting after the first paragraph, for one
thing.

Hmmm... I almost can't imagine using the word terse to describe Kasumi.
More than that, you say in the previous sentence that her cheerful tone
was "strangely absent", yet she's "understandably terse".  So which is
it?Is her mood strange, or easily understood?  And the last sentence seems to
suggest that she's terse because she'll be leaving for college in a few
days.  There may be a connection there that Ranma understands... but I
don't.

Her cheerful tone is strangely absent because it's Kasumi - and Kasumi not
being cheerful is strange at best. She's about to leave for college and
presumably be out on her own for the first time, which is the sort of
thing that would make most people tense and nervous, so she's
understandibly terse. However, just because it's understandable doesn't
mean it isn't strange - I mean, it's Kasumi, who's even cheerful and happy
during kidnap attempts.

Ah, nothing more romantic than a couple reading, together,  the details
of an oddly-named martial arts technique as described by a cowardly and
deranged master....

Well, considering who it is who's reading it... ^.-

Why am I writing this? Perhaps because we never
really got to know each other very well, in certain ways.
Perhaps because I feel the need to explain things, share
certain things. Maybe because I need to confess, and my
son is the only one who can absolve me.

This makes me think -- it's assumed by nearly everyone that Genma and
Ranma
don't have a really deep relationship -- that they know each other very
well, and yet don't.  That they've never really talked, shared their
feelings and hopes and fears.

It's an understandable assumption... you never see them have any such
conversations in the manga or anime, and neither is the sort to have such
a conversation.  And yet, when you think that they spent roughly ten
years together, often camping out under the stars with no one else
around, you wonder that they didn't have some rather soul-searching
conversations.  It
may be that they did, and things have changed since they returned to
civilization... they don't talk like they used to.

I think that they probably communicated a lot without really saying
anything. Neither Ranma or Genma strikes me as the type who would open
himself up like that.

Soun and Genma, on the other hand, were a joy to the old
man. Each of then would eagerly do anything he asked, no
matter how difficult or dangerous, if they thought it would
make them a better martial artist.

Where did it all go wrong?  Oh, wait, I answered that already....

Although Genma is pretty much able to keep pace with his son right up
until the end of the manga...

He swore. This was bad. Granted, Soun's last secret
technique hadn't been very impressive - whoever had developed
the Hamster-ken must not have been quite right in the head -

What you do, see, is you get lots and lots of paper, and you cut it into
strips with your teeth, and when you've got a huge pile of paper strips,
you hide inside it, thus confusing the enemy.... ^_^

Who then proceeds to laugh themselves to death. ^_^

He thought it over for a minute. Cadness was looking
pretty good at the moment.

No!  Genma, turn back!  Before it's too late!

Use the famed cowardice!

Overall comments:  This is a lot of fun, and very well written.  I like
Kiri quite a bit, a fun original character.  I like how you portray the
young Genma, Soun, and Nodoka as well.

Most origin stories that I've seen have Genma and Soun as best friends,
which Genma somehow managing to win Nodoka's hand despite Nodoka's best
judgements.. This didn't sound much like Nerima to me.. ^_-

Which is to say, I hope you have a good reason for framing this whole
story the way you have.  I mean, you begin the story with such promise!
Genma, dead!  And then you cruelly twist the story around, so that it's
ALL ABOUT HIM!  How viscious can you get?  ^_^

Extremely. ^_^

But yes, there is a reason for the framing, and for Kasumi's behavior, and
everything else.

Anyway... I don't even know if you wanted comments on a story you wrote
last summer, but you posted it, so I'm giving you comments.  ^_^

I always want comments. ^_^

Thanks!

- Susan Doenime 
Brisbane, U of Q 
"I hit the streets / They watched me in the monitor..."