Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Pastpresent - Prologue & Beautiful Friendship
From: Susan Doenime
Date: 3/19/1999, 2:18 AM
To: "jimlazar@earthlink.net" <jimlazar@earthlink.net>
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

On Thu, 18 Mar 1999, jimlazar@earthlink.net wrote:

     The funeral was well done. It's always hard to start with a death, 
but
     this
     was handled well.

Seemed to work as a framing device. Also, Genma wouldn't reveal a lot of
what's to be told while he was still alive.
 
     > Akane poked him gently. "That's your wife's job, baka."
     >
     > "Yes, but Kasumi's a lot better at it than a kawaikunee
     >macho tomboy like you."
     >
     > They laughed, and left.
     >
     > "Should have been mine."
     >
     > "Perhaps. Give her what she's due."
     >
     > "Moron. I like him."
     >
     > "I'm glad."


     The last part of this scene is confusing. I have no idea who these
     four/two speakers are. They don't sound like Ranma/Akane. They are
     probably the girl and woman described earlier, but it's not clear.

The ambiguity is purposeful. Stick around to the end of the sreies and all
shall be made clear.

     > "Okay. Why don't we sit over here on the sofa?"


     What sofa? I've never seen a sofa in the Tendo house.

Well, they have one now. ^_^ Maybe it was a wedding present. 


     > To her horror, Soun burst into tears. "He's stealing
     >Nodoka-san away from me! The bastard is probably seducing
     >her as we speak!"


     The one problem I have with Soun and Genma competing for Nodoka is
     that his reaction to her showing up at the Tendo house had no
awkward
     moments or inidcation of any past history between them. You may have
to explain this in later stories.

I plan on it. ^_^ Soun does, however, frequently act protective of Nodoka
(malleting Genma on her behalf more than once) in the manga. 

     > Kiri flushed bright red. "I mean he put a piece of fruit in
     >my motorcycle's exhaust pipe, bakayarou."


     Personaly preference on my part, but I find intermixing Japanese and
     English
     words like that awkward for the reader (especially if they don't
know
     what
     the words mean).

I usually agree. OTOH, it's hard not to figure out what 'baka' means.

     > She cheerfully nodded. "Go clean your face, Tendo. You've
     >got engine grease all over it."
     >
     > Horrified, Soun glanced at the filthy rag in his now
     >grease-stained hands. "Imagine that."
     >
     > Smirking, Kiri sauntered off. "Stop by my garage
     >tomorrow morning, and I'll tell you when your date'll be."


     I'm going to guess that Kiri is the future Mrs. Sound Tendo. I
     suspected it
     before, but at this point I'm fairly certain of it.

You'll have to wait and see. ^_-

     > "Indeed. Nodoka..."
     >
     > The two walked away, each looking diabolically pleased
     >with themselves.
     >
     > This was noted by the two people sitting on top of the
     >nearby building.
     >
     > "That him, perhaps?"
     >
     > "No. Too shy, and too young."
     >
     > "The girl?"
     >
     > "Not unless he's fallen in Nyaniichuan."
     >
     > "I wouldn't put it past him."
     >
     > "Either way, he's around here somewhere. Let's follow the
     >first one."
     >
     > With a rustle of cloth, the two figures bounded away
     >across the rooftops.


     Ah, the mysterious people from the funeral... interesting.

The two women with swords.

     > "Er ah um ha." He inwardly whimpered. It was going to be
     >one of those visits.
     >
     > "You know, there's a new movie opening. Why don't we go
     >see it together?"



     > Genma brightened. Movies were a rare luxury for him.
     >"What's it called?"
     >
     > "'Burning Flame Of Passion'. My magazine gave it rave
     >reviews."
     >
     > "Ah. Magazine..."
     >
     > "Cosmo."
     >
     > "Right...." The movie would be slow torture. It would have
     >a dull plot, no action, and consist of romantic mouthings.
     >Nodoka would attach herself to his arm, and try to get even
     >closer. "You know, I think I'm busy that night..."
     >
     > The adorable smile quickly morphed into a scowl. "I
     >haven't mentioned a day yet."
     >
     > Uh-oh. "Er, I mean, I mean..."
     >
     > "If you hate me and don't want to be seen in public with
     >me, just say so." The scowl deepened.



     During this exchange I lost track of who was saying what to whom...
     might
     want to put a few names and desciptions in...

     For instance:

     Nodoka's adorable smile quickly...

Well... I sort of figured that Genma wouldn't be assumed to have an
adorable smile. 

     > "The old man, perhaps? He's the right age, he fits the
     >general description, he looks like a master..."
     >
     > "Feels completely wrong. Look at him, sitting there in the
     >sun. 'I will pray for you.' Couldn't be."


     If this is intentionaly leading people into thinking about Happosai,
     good.
     Otherwise I think you may be letting some plot developments out too
     soon.

It is.

     > Shortly afterward, Saotome-sensei was mildly surprised
     >to find a smiling young woman in her underwear walking up his
     >front porch. "Hello?"
     >
     > "Can you direct me to the nearest lingerie shop?" she
     >asked him politely, Chinese accent pronounced. "I need to buy
     >lots of bras."


     Okay, forget my last comment. They are definetly looking for
Happosai
     now.
     :)

See? ^_-

     > "These are for you. I, ah, er, I hope you, ah...."
     >
     > He proceeded to destroy the flowers and half crush the
     >box of candy in the process of handing them to her. Then he
     >tripped. Then he knocked over the table vase.

     Oh my god! Dr. Tofu is Soun's illigitamate son! This seems a bit out
of character for Soun... even a young one.

Soun's a bit overemotional; something he never completely grows out of. 

 On the rooftops, two figures looked at each other,
shrugged, and followed Genma. He seemed to be their best lead
so far.

Really getting curious as to who these guys are...

The two women. 

 He was interrupted by the woman in the usher's uniform
and thick, artificial-looking beard who stepped out of a side
office and proceeded to beat the ticket-taker over the head
with a length of lead pipe.

Huh? The woman had a fake beard too?

 "Ma'am?"

 "Yeah?"

 "Ah... very thick beard you have there."

 "It was my dear departed father's."

Nevermind :) But put might want to rephrase that sentence as:
He was interrupted by a woman in a usher's uniform who stepped out of a
side office. She Adjusted the thick, artifical-looking beard before she
proceeded to beat...
 
Hmm.

"He's been violating women all over Nerima!" the blond > screamed in a
falsetto voice. "He ravaged me last week! Oh, if > only a brave martial
artist would stop..." She paused to put a > headlock on the struggling
ninja. "Would stop the fiend before > he overpowers me, a poor
defenseless maiden!" 

Gee, and this is before his training with Happosai. :)

Natural aptitude, I guess. ^_-

 "KASIGI! HOW DARE YOU MOLEST NODOKA!"

 "Genma! You really care! Come back! You can feel my leg
again!"

I guess Soun doesn't stand a chance then (which of course we knew
already, but this confirms Nodoka wouldn't give him a chance).

Not with Genma around, no.



Well, an interesting story so far. Don't know how long you plan to take
it, but some more interaction of Ranma and Akane with the mysterious
figures as the story in the past evolves might help keep the readers
interested. Since we already know Genma and Nodoka get together and
Happosai is probably the target of the two mysterious people... there
might not be enough to hold the reader's interest over a long series.

We know the final destination. A lot of the path there, however, is wide
open territory.

Takahashi was also nice enough to leave some gaping holes, like Mrs.
Tendo's name.

Thanks for the comments! ^_^



-=- Jim Lazar

E-Mail - mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net
FanFiction - http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
-=-
   "Unit 01, Angel at eleven o'clock."
   "But it's only seven o'clock," Shinji quipped.
   The computer-controlled voice didn't find Shinji's joke funny, so the
AI program inserted ten Angels around Shinji's Unit 01. It didn't take
long for his Eva to be reduced to a pile of scrap metal and flesh.
-=-
Excerpt from Garden of EVA 0:3


- Susan Doenime
Brisbane, U of Q
"I hit the streets / They watched me in the monitor..."