Hello!  I'm really sorry that it took me so long to get 
around to c&cing this...

Fushigi Yuugi: The Return of the White Tiger
By: Wesley Bridges

[snip]

Chapter 3: A Tiger's Ransom in Honor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kagatsu continued to stare at the night sky's reflection in the
clear spring waters. Soon, Eki's reflection appeared in the water

water,

looking back at him.

"Something wrong, Kagatsu?" Eki asked softly, her eyes wide with
concern.

"Its 

It's

nothing to worry about." Kagatsu replied so

about," Kagatsu replied so


um... I think you're missing something there?

"You sure seem to be worried about something."

"Eki..."

"Yes? What is it?"

"We've known each other since were were five, and since then we've
never held anything back from each other."

"Yeah, so, is there something about you that worries you?"

This sounds a little weird... I don't know.  Maybe if she just asked, "Yeah, so, is there something worrying you?"

"For a while now... there have been things I've kept hidden about
myself. I didn't want anyone to get involved with them, and now
I think that my past is catching up with me."

"So, what is it? Tell me."

"I can't." 

can't,"

Kagatsu replied with a sigh. "Not yet. Once I sever
this last tie I have to the secrets I have been keeping 

I'd write:

to the secrets I've been keeping

all these
years... then I can."

"What made you go on the trip to find Akiya?" Eki asked suddenly

asked, 
or 
asked suddenly,

changing the topic.

"I... I dunno really... 

It's just me... but I'd cut out that last ellipsis.  
There are too many for my taste ^_^

I just... somehow I just felt I needed to
go there." 

there,"

Kagatsu replied uneasily.

"I would have gone with you, you know. I... I was worried when
I didn't see you around."

"I know. Don't worry. I won't do it again, alright?"

"Its 

It's

not just that... its... 

it's...

I... well..." 

well...,"

Eki said, her face
beginning to redden.

"Are you alright, Eki?" Kagatsu asked after a pause.

"Huh?! Um... yeah. Its, ah... Its 

They both should be "It's"

late. I should probably get
home."

"Alright. Good night."

"Good night" Eki said 

night," Eki said,

then walked away.

It wasn't very long after Eki passed out of sight, when a loud
scream reached Kagatsu's ears.

*Eki?* Kagatsu thought 

thought,

jumping to his feet.

Kagatsu ran as fast as he could towards the source of the scream.
As he arrived, 7 

It's considered good form to write out the names of 
numbers under 100; for example, you should usually 
write "seven" instead of "7".  

men on horseback had caught Eki and were dragging
her into some sort of wooden wagon.

"Heh, heh, heh." 

heh," 

one of the men said to Eki 

He *said* that?  He didn't chuckle or laugh menacingly?

as the 

as he

tossed her into
the wagon and locked the door. "Now you two just sit tight and
enjoy the ride."

Eki looked around the wagon to see Akiya bound and gagged just like
she was. Her eyes widened with surprise and the two struggled to
sit up. Suddenly, four men fell off their horses one after another

off their horses, one after another.

"Get back to the hideout with the girls!" the man ordered the
wagon driver, and the horses lurched forward and galloped away.

Kagatsu stopped as the wagon quickly went over the dunes of the
desert 

desert,

out of sight.

"You must be Shenchi." The man said to Kagatsu

Shenchi," the man said to Kagatsu.

"Where are you taking her?"

"Ha,ha, ha." 

"Ha, ha, ha,"

the man bellowed. "That information I'm sure you
know. If you want the GIRLS back, come to the den just after
sundown tomorrow. You do remember the way, don't you?"

"Girls? Who else have you drawn into this?"

"Girls from other worlds should not be roaming the streets of
unfamiliar lands late at night, alone."

"Akiya... If you hurt either one of them, I assure you that you
will regret it."

"Save your strength. Remember where I told you to go. Don't be
late, come alone, if you don't the blue haired one will die. 

Run-on sentence; I'd recommend something like this:

Don't be late.  Come alone; if you don't, the 
blue-haired one will die.

The
other is needed for our master's business arrangements in the east"

the east."

Should "east" be capitalized?  I'm just wondering...

With that, the man rode off after the wagon.

***************************************************

The next afternoon, Kagatsu found himself in the Grand Hall of the
Imperial Palace. Kagatsu walked down the carpeting and knelt
down before the Emperor sitting in his seat.

How about: 

before the Emperor, who was sitting in his seat.

or, how about:

before the Emperor, who was sitting in his throne.

Emperors sit on thrones, right?  I guess, anyway... ^_^

"You know why I have summoned you here, Kagatsu?"

"Yes, your excelency. 

excellency.

Byakko no Miko and one of the seishi are
missing."

"Yes. When did this information become presented to you?"

"Last night, I was with the Seishi, Eki. I heard her scream as
she was going home. I saw her being drawn away in a wagon. I later
learned Byakko no Miko was with her."

"I see. Do you have any information upon their whereabouts?"

"Yes, your excelency. 

excellency.

I know where they are 

I'd write:

they're

The lack of contractions makes for really 
formal-sounding speech.  Normal people don't talk like 
that, in my experience ^_^

being held. I have
however, a request of you 

I have, however, a request of you,

since it concerns their safety."

"And what is this request?"

"Please, I wish you to let me go alone. I was told their lives will
depend on that. I have delt 

dealt

with their captors before. I feel
confident that I can handle this matter."

"I appreciate your concern, Kagatsu, but I believe this task is
better suited for the three seishi to perform. They are more
capable to handle

capable of handling
or
able to handle

any opposing forces. I see no reason to send you
alone, but there is ample reason to send you if you have knowledge
of their whereabouts and what to expect of them."

Hmmm... a little confusing.  How about:

but there is ample reason to send you along with the three seishi if you have knowledge of the captors' whereabouts and what to expect from them.

"But, your excelency, 

excellency,

the seishi are..."

"The seishi have already informed me they are up to the task of
protecting Byakko no Miko. Last night she snuck out of the temple
without their knowledge."

So... they're *not* up to the task, if a mere girl 
could slip past their defenses... ^_-

"But these people will keep their word. If they know I am not
alone, they will kill them."

Too much they, they, them...

How about replacing the last one, as in:

they will kill the girls."
or
they will kill Eki and Byakko no Miko."

"I understand your concern, but it is the seishis 

seishi's

job to protect
Byakko no Miko, not yours. If you are that concerned, give the
seishi all the information you have and let them handle the
situation."

"But, your excelency."

excellency...."

"I have made my decision. You are free to go."

Two guards approached Kagatsu on either side of him. 

How about:

Two guards approached Kagatsu, one on either side of him.

Kagatsu
got up and left the Grand hall quickly, and very mad.

That last phrase doesn't really fit.  How about:

left the Grand Hall quickly.  He was very mad.
or
Kagatsu, enraged, got up and left the Grand Hall 
quickly.

"You know, Kagatsu." A female voice said to him as he exited.
"You 

Kagatsu," a female voice said to him as he exited, "you

don't have to play hero all the time."

"Who...?" Kagatsu asked 

asked,

turning around.

A young woman, perhaps in her late teens to early twenties,
walked out from the back wall, her long white hair wrapped in
two circles on the side of her head.

I'd separate out that last phrase, else it's a run-on
sentence.

out from the back wall.  Her long white hair formed two circles, one on each side of her head.

"Who are you?" Kagatsu asked.

"We've met before, but I looked different then. The Emperor is
right, you know. It is our sworn duty to protect the Miko, 

Miko;

you
need not feel so responsible."

I'd eliminate the "so"

"It can't... be... Su... Su... Subaru?" Kagatsu said

said,

completely
boggled.

Subaru nodded, smiling gently.

"But... how?"

"While we were discussing how to protect the Miko with the limits
of our age, Akiya began murmuring something in her sleep. She
said, that the combined powers of Ekie, and 

Ekie and

myself could actually
reverse aging without side effects. My ability changes physical
appearance, and maintains appearance in Tatara's case, but Ekie's
ability to restore life, 

life

revitalized our conditions, making us
much more capable of travel, and 

travelling and

protecting Akiya."

"So, all of you are..."

"Yes, we're all much younger now."

"I see... but... there is more to this situation than I can
explain right now. I am involved. They have been targeting Akiya
since we entered Sairo. Eki was taken because of me, to get me
to come to their turf."

"Why do they need you?"

"Its 

It's

personal. I need to go, alone."

"Kagatsu. I understand that you want to go alone, because you are
responsible for this, but let me assure you, that we can handle

let me assure you, we can handle

this. Just tell us where to go, we'll 

go; we'll
or
go.  We'll

get Eki and Akiya back."

"Subaru... I... I know I have no place asking, but please. One
hour."

"Huh?"

"The place where Akiya and Eki are being held is not far from here.
Give me until one hour after sundown. If I am not back by then

then,

I will have made arrangements for you to know exactly where they
are being held. You will be fully informed. I just need one hour
to settle my affairs and get them out of there."

"I don't know." Subaru said 

know," Subaru said,

thinking about the request. "How can
we be sure you will give us correct information?"

"I may have been a pest when I was younger, but believe me, I may
avoid questions, but I will not lie. 

How about:

but believe me on this; I may avoid

Trust me, please."

"Alright. I'll convince Tokaki and Tatara to give you an hour,
but if you don't come through, you'll have to worry a lot more
about coming back."

"Thank you." 

you,"

Kagatsu said, then left quickly.

Subaru stood at the steps leading up to the palace

palace,

Should it be capitalized?

watching
Kagatsu leave the grounds as the sun sunk 

sank

low in the sky. She had
her doubts about Kagatsu, but something told her to have faith
in him. After he was out of sight, Subaru headed on her way to the
temple.

*****************************************************

"I'm home." Kagatsu said 

home," Kagatsu said,

opening the door to a small house at the
western side of the city.

"Well, have a nice long chat with the Emperor?" his father said

said,

crushing some herbs with a motar 

mortar

and pestle.

"Yes, father, and a seishi."

"You still haven't told them, have you?"

"No... I haven't."

"The priestess has returned, you even brought her here, yet you
haven't told her, you've been decieving 

deceiving

the other four seishi
ever since you came here. 

How about:

The priestess has returned; you even brought her here.  Yet you haven't told her, and you've been deceiving the other four seishi ever since you came here.

Why, Kagatsu, why?"

"When I was five 

five,

it was because of lost hopes. Now its 

Now, it's

because of
them. You know how they tried to ruin my life, and now they've
found me again!"

"The clan of the Desert Lotus..."

"Yeah." 

"Yeah,"

Kagatsu said dully.

"You remind me of my father's stories of my grandfather."

How about: 

of my father's stories of his own father.

"How so?"

"It seems he joined a clan of ninjas to stop the evil actions of
true clans. His clan, however, was legitimate. 

Huh?  This just confused me.  How about:

to stop the evil actions of other clans.  His clan, however, had honourable intentions.

He used his abilities
to help the people, and for his actions, a priest presented him
with two blades that were blessed and cooled from their forges
with holy water. These swords have been passed down from him
to his son, and from my father to me. Now, it is time for me to
hand them to you."

"But..."

"Now, now. I'm a doctor. I have no use for them. They'll do you
better. 

How about:

They'll serve you better.

They don't have any strong power within them, but surely

surely,

combined with your seishi abilities, you can use your powers
easier. 

Sounds a little awkward.  How about:

They don't have any power in and of themselves, but surely they can ease the use of your seishi abilities.

Take them and use them well, and who knows. Perhaps you

How about:

well.  Who knows?  Perhaps you

will be blessed with blades more powerful than these."

"Thank you, father. I will take good care of them."

"I know you will." His father said 

will," his father said,

handing Kagatsu a flat black
case from under the table where he worked.

from under his working table.
or
from under the table where he was working.

Kagatsu opened the case to see the two katanas in their scabbard.

Two katanas in one scabbard?  Should that read 
"scabbards"?

He took one out of the case and took out the scabbard revealing

and took it out of its scabbard, revealing

a brightly shining katana that gleamed with a blinding white light.
Kagatsu put it back in the scabbard and took the two katanas.

"Father, before I go. 

Here, I'd put in an ellipsis:

Father, before I go....

Could I ask you a favor?"

"What is it?"

"If I am not back three quarters of an hour from after sundown,

I don't think the word "from" is necessary here; I'd take it out:

three quarters of an hour after sundown,

will you deliver this to the temple?" Kagatsu asked 

asked,

handing his
father several folded sheets of paper.

"Of course I will."

*****************************************************

As the sun was just beginning 

I'd write:

As the sun began

to sink below the horizon, Kagatsu
rode through the desert 

I'd start a new sentence here:

desert.  He stopped when he reached a rock formation

stopping at a rock formation overlooking
a house with a stone wall around it heavily guarded. 

Either make "heavily guarded" into a sentence:

around it.  The house was heavily guarded.


or incorporate "heavily guarded" in a bit earlier:

a house with a heavily guarded stone wall around it.

He wore a
black cloak around his normal clothing 

clothing,

making him harder to see
in the fading light, his katanas strapped outside of the cloak.

I'd make that into its own sentence:

light.  His katanas were strapped on outside of the 
cloak.

*The den is mostly underground.* Kagatsu thought 

underground,* Kagatsu thought,

trying to devise
a way to enter. *The clan head's house is the main entrance, but
if memory serves, there is a secret entrance in these rocks. Now
would he guard the secret entrance 

entrance,

knowing I might remember where
it was? Hmm....*

Kagatsu thought for a few more minutes when an idea came to him.

*Well, the hall from the secret entrance to the main part of the
den isn't that deep, 

How about:

the hall connecting the secret entrance to the main den 
isn't very far underground, 

so I'll just make my own entrance.*

Kagatsu drew his katanas and walked 50 feet towards the house
from the rock formation.

How about: 

drew his katanas, and walked 50 feet away from the rock formation, in the direction of the clan head's house.

*This ought to do.* 

do,*

Kagatsu thought.

"Hasukii Shiyan!" he said 

said,

forming a circle in the ground with his
katanas.

A white light eminated 

emanated


>from the ground where the circle was traced.


where the circle had been traced.

Soon after, the sand began to drain away 

away,

revealing a hole to a
hallway of sorts some ten feet below the surface. Katanas ready,
Kagatsu jumped down into the hall.

*It can't take them long to notice the sand and the hole here.*

here,*

Kagatsu thought. *I need to get to the cell area 

area,

and quickly. I
just hope that's where they are being held.*

***************************************************

The dungeon of the den was nearly empty 

empty,

except for one cell in the
very back and four guards patroling the area. 

How about:

very back, and for four guards who were patroling the area.

I'm not sure of the spelling of "patroling", somehow I 
think it should be spelled "patrolling" but I could be 
wrong.  If you know you're right, just ignore me ^_^

In the cell, a lone
youth, perhaps in his mid teens, sat with a defeated look upon
his face.

"How can you listen to him." 

him,"

he yelled at the guard. "He's lied
to the whole clan every chance he gets. He's going to start a
war!"

"Shut your mouth 

mouth,

or I'll have you whipped for defying Genshi."

"Don't you even find it wierd 

weird

that he threw me in the dungeon?
After how close we've been? He's a different person! Just let me
out, 

out;

I'll prove it to everyone."

"You're not going to prove anything. Now just sit there and keep
quiet. You're lucky he didn't just have you killed."

"Hey capt'n." 

"Hey, capt'n," 

another guard called to the one guarding the cell.
"I gotta piss, 

piss.  Can
or
piss; can

can you handle things without me for a bit?"

"Yeah, Dasugi here isn't going anywhere. No one's coming to save
his hide."

"Alright." 

"Alright,"

the guard said, then left.

Moments later, a thud was heard as if something hit the ground.

heard, as if something had hit the ground.

"Hey!" another guard called. "Who's there?"

"Go check it out." 

out,"

the Captain told him.

Okay... so the Captain is the one guarding the teen, 
and the other three guards are just wandering around.  
At the beginning of the scene, when the Captain and the 
captive were talking, I thought he was just another 
guard.  You should really make that a bit more clear.

"Yes, sir." 

sir,"

the guard said, then left.

Just as he disappeared around the corner going up the stairs,
the Guard's 

Should "Guard's" really be capitalized?

yell was heard, then quickly cut short. 

How about:

Just as he disappeared around the corner, going up the stairs, he yelled; the sound was quickly cut short.

The captain

Hey!  I thought "Captain" was capitalized... it was, 
before!

and the last remaining guard stood ready to fight. Silence filled
the dungeon.

"Capt'n" 

"Capt'n,"

the guard said quietly.

"What is it?"

"Look, but the stairs."

Huh?  How about:

"Look, up at the stairs."

or

"Look at the stairs."

The captain looked along the floor to the stairs

stairs,

where the light
of the two torches against the wall 

How about:

of the two torches attached to the wall

produced a faint shadow of
a person. Before the guard could react, two stars 

You should probably specify that they're throwing stars, in this first case.

came from the
"shadow." The first star hit him in his chest. The second, just
below his neck. The guard fell down 

down,

bleeding freely. Two more
stars went to the captian, 

How about:

Two more stars were aimed at the captain,

but were deflected.

"Whoever you are, you won't be able to take me with puny little
throwing stars. Come out and fight me like a man, or are you too
timid?"

"Timid?" Kagatsu said cutting the torches, extuiguishing them.

How about:

said, cutting the torches and extinguishing them.

"Timid I am not. I just do not have the luxury of time to meddle
in too many sword fights."

Kagatsu appeared ten feet in front of the captain, katanas ready.

"I will have to warn you, I cannot afford to take it easy on you."

*I... I know that voice.* 

voice,*

Dasugi thought in his cell. *Where have
I...* He strained to look out of the cage to the oncoming

at the oncoming

fight, but could not see the other figure.

"Heh. Its 

It's

time for you to die, my friend." the 

Here, I'd start a new sentence:

my friend."  The guard


Also, I'd either call him "the captain" or "the captain of the guard" or something like that, instead of just "the guard."

guard sneered and
lunged forward.

Kagatsu deflected the guards 

guard's

attack with one katana, then spun
around with the other causing a large cut in the captain's
shoulder. 

This sounds a little dry.  How about:

with the other, slashing open the captain's shoulder.

The captain winced in pain, but turned around and launched
a second attack. Kagatsu parried the sword attack causing the guard
to loose his weapon from the weakened arm. 

Fight scenes need vivid, active language.  "Causing" 
isn't a very exciting word.  How about:

the sword attack, knocking the weapon from the guard's weakened arm.

Kagatsu sighed as he
placed the finishing blow into the captain's chest.

How about:

as he delivered the finishing blow to the captain's 
chest.

"Wh... who are you?" Dasugi asked from the cell.

Kagatsu lowered the cloak 

cloak,

showing his face.

"Sh.. Shenchi? Is it really you? I thought you were dead!"

"No... not physically, at least." Kagatsu replied 

least," Kagatsu replied,

unlocking the
cell door with the captain's keys.

"But..."

"I don't have time to explain things. Where are the girls being
held?"

"Genshi has them in the main chamber of the den. Are you the one
he's expecting."

expecting?"

"Yes. Come with me. I need you to get the girls out of here while
I deal with Genshi."

"Genshi has changed." 

changed,"

Dasugi whispered as the two snuck around to
the main chambers.

"I know." 

know,"

Kagatsu whispered back. "He's the only one who knew
I was still alive, and now he's trying to kill me."

"You're one of the few who can interfere with his plans."

"Which are?"

"I don't know for sure, but the girl that he says is from another
world is being held for someone in the east."

"Of Sairo? or 

Or

where?"

"No, Kutou."

"Kutou? What do they want with... maybe they want to

I'd start a new sentence there:

What do they want with.... Maybe they want to 

make her be Seiryuu no Miko?"

want to force her to be
or
want to make her Seiryuu no Miko?"

"I don't know for sure. All I know is that they are dealing with
Kutou."

"So, where are all the guards?"

"They're in the main chamber of the den, 

den.

Genshi has a trap set for
you. Something about killing you with your own power 

power,

or something
like that."

"Hmm..." Kagatsu said 

"Hmm...," Kagatsu said,

pondering the situation.

The two followed the hallway for several hundreds of feet until

How about:

for several hundred feet

they finally came to where it opened into the main chambers.

"Stay here." 

here,"

Kagatsu said. "I will get the girls here to you. Get
them to the rock by the secret entrance. They don't know I have
you freed."

Who are "They"?  Here, it sounds like you're talking about the girls.  You should probably start the sentence with "Genshi" or "The other guards" or "The rest of the clan" or something like that.

"Alright. Be careful."

"You too." Kagatsu said 

too," Kagatsu said,

and walked through the arch leading to
the main chamber

chamber.

***************************************************

The main chamber was decorated much differently from the sand and
rock halls throughout the rest of the den. Tapestries, carpeting

carpeting,

and banners were everywhere, including several ranks of guards and
clansmen. 

I don't understand that last phrase.  "ranks"... what 
does that mean?  Are they on the wall, like the 
tapestries and banners?  That's what it sounds like.

On the sides, massive support columns lined the walls

walls,

supporting the large arches which made up the roof. In the center,
through an aisle of the crowd of clan members, 

How about:

In an aisle, in the centre of the crowd of clan 
members,

was another youth,
about Kagatsu's age, sitting on a stone chair made to look like
an imperial throne.

"You're late 

late,

Shenchi. Half the hourglass has drained since sundown."
The 

sundown," the

youth said from his throne. "Its 

It's

been a while."

"Indeed it has, Genshi." Kagatsu replied 

Genshi," Kagatsu replied,

slowly walking down the
center aisle. "I didn't know I was such an honored guest today.
Are you trying to make up for the honor you lost when you broke
our pledge?"

"Times have changed, Shenchi. I am not the timid imbicile 

imbecile

I was

was,

back then."

"No, instead you are a manipulative, greedy, and uncaring bastard
no longer caring to do things honorably."

How about:

bastard who no longer does things honorably."
or
bastard who has lost all honor."

"I see your sense of humor hasn't changed at all." Genshi said

all," Genshi said,

chuckling slightly.

"Let's get down to the point, shall we?"

"Ah, Shenchi, Shenchi, Shenchi. You never were one for chit-chat."

Genshi snapped his fingers 

fingers,

and Akiya and Eki were brought in from
a side room.

"And what exactly are your terms of release?"

"I want those wonderful swords of yours. With them, I will be a
much better ruler, don't you think?"

"Very well, done." Kagatsu said 

said,

removing the swords and scabbards
from his cloak. "Have your man bring them here. I will give him
the swords."

Akiya and Eki were led by their captor to Kagatsu, who then gave
the captor his swords. The man then walked to Genshi and handed
him the swords.

"Heh heh heh." 

"Heh, heh, heh,"

Genshi laughed loudly. "What exactly did you expect
me to do with these, Shenchi? Now, I will send you to your grave
with the very power embued 

imbued

in these swords." he added unseathing

I think that sentence calls for an exclamation mark:

in these swords!" he added, unsheathing them.

the swords. "Hasukii Shiyan!" he said 

said,

as he swung the swords in
a wide arc.

Couldn't he "cry out" or "yell" or something like that? 
^_^

Kagatsu couldn't help but smile at the failed attempt on his life.
The clansmen and Genshi all looked with surprise.

"Now's your chance." 

chance,"

Kagatsu whispered to Eki and Akiya, get 

Akiya.  "Get

out
of here. I have a friend waiting to lead you out.

out."

"But..." 

"But...,"

both chimed in protest.

"Don't worry about me! Just go, hurry!"

Just go; hurry!"
or
Just go.  Hurry!"

Akiya and Eki ran down the aisle and out the door. The clansmen
went to stop them, but Genshi stopped them.

How about:

The clansmen moved to stop the girls, but Genshi held 
his men back.

"Once he is out of the way, we can get them back." 

back,"

Genshi said.
"Now, Shenchi. You will tell me how to activate the enchantment of
the swords."

"You are a fool, Genshi. You always have been. My swords have no
enchantment, no mystical power. The power comes from within, it

within. It
or
within; it

is a power you can never possess."

Kagatsu threw off his cloak 

cloak,

revealing the swords his father had
given to him not long ago.

"Amusing. Do you really think you are in any position to fight?
Alright then, I'll give you one."

Kagatsu felt the surge of power 

I'd write:

felt a surge of power coming from the character on his 
shoulder.

coming from his shoulder. The once
warm, gentle sensation now flared 

flared,

making it seem as if it were
searing his flesh.

"Kill him." 

him,"

Genshi ordered his men.

Kagatsu whipped out his swords.

"Now 

"Now,

to show you how it's done!" Kagatsu said 

said,

as those around
him got up and prepared to attack. "Hasukii Shiyan!" He called

he called,

sending several arcs of energy from his swords to the support
columns.

White light flared in the columns where they were stuck 

struck

by the
energy wave. Soon, the column faltered and broke sending the column
down on nearby soldiers. 

How about:

Soon, the columns faltered and broke, collapsing onto nearby soldiers.

Large cracks began to fall from the ceiling,
but Kagatsu was not done, yet.

How about:

Pieces began to fall from the now unsupported ceiling.  Still, Kagatsu was not yet done.

*****************************************************

Dasugi, Akiya and Eki emerged from the secret passage in the rock
formation, out of breath from running. Eki looked out at the house
which stood over the area where they were once held. 

How about:

over the area where they had been held.

The house was
falling apart from the sides to the roof.

How about:

The house was falling apart, its sides collapsing and its roof caving in.

"What's happening to the house?" Eki asked.

"The house stands directly over the main chamber of the den. Perhaps
a fight broke out, and the columns have been broken." Dasugi said

broken," Dasugi said.

"But if they break, will..."

"Yes, everything will fall into the main chamber."

"Kagatsu!" Eki yelled in panic.

Huh?  It sounds like Eki's calling out his name, 
because she just heard him talking.  How about changing 
it to:

"Oh no!  What about Kagatsu?" Eki yelled  

"Eki, Akiya, are you two alright?" A 

alright?" a

female voice said from behind
them."

them.

Eki turned to see Subaru, Tatara, and Tokaki dismounting their
horses.

"We're alright, but... Kagatsu is in there... and he..." Eki said

said,

her voice quavering.

"Can... can you help him? Get him out of there, anything!?" Akiya
asked 

asked,

trying to control her emotions.

"Tokaki, see if you can help Kagatsu." Subaru told he husband.

Kagatsu," Subaru told her

"Instantaneous Motion." Tokaki said 

Motion," Tokaki said,

as he winked out of sight.

******************************************************

Large chunks of ceiling were now falling all around. Kagatsu and
Genshi stood facing each other 

other,

swords drawn amongst the fray. 

"fray" means a battle, but all the other clansmen are 
gone, so there isn't a battle.  How about:

stood facing each other, their swords drawn.

Any
surviving members of the clan had long ran 

had long since ran


>from the collapsing

room. Both Kagatsu and Genshi had suffered several injuries during
the course of their fight, but they continued immediately hacking
and crossing their swords.

I'd get rid of the word "immediately", myself.

The celing 

ceiling

rapidly decayed and soon, 

decayed, and soon several

several huge pieces came
falling down on Kagatsu and Genshi. Each tried to keep the other
from escaping their fate for as long as they could. Kagatsu broke
free and jumped away, but a large piece of the ceiling caught his
right arm 

arm,

sending him to the ground. 

How about:

pinning him to the ground.

Genshi was not as lucky,
having another piece fall square on his back, killing him.

Ouch! ^_^  That's gotta hurt... 

The pain in Kagatsu's arm was more intense then he'd ever felt.

than any he'd felt before.

He lie 

lay

face to the ground 

ground,

just wondering when the piece that
finished him would fall.

I'd cut out the "just".  And how about:

wondering when the piece that would finish him would 
fall.

Tokaki appeared in the room and scanned it, looking for any sign
of life.

"Kagatsu, are you here?" He 

he

called.

Kagatsu never thought he could be so happy to hear Tokaki's voice.

"Here...." 

"Here...,"

Kagatsu said weakly.

"Kagatsu?" Tokaki called again.

Using his left arm, Kagatsu waved a sword in the air 

air,

catching
Tokaki's attention. Quickly going through the rubble, Tokaki made
his way to Kagatsu.

"Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten into." Tokaki said

you've gotten yourself into," Tokaki said.

"I'll... take the lecture later..." Kagatsu said 

later...," Kagatsu said,

enduring the
piercing pain in his right arm.

"Alright then." Tokaki said 

then," Tokaki said,

trying to think of the best way to
move the huge chunk of stone off Kagatsu.

Tokaki tried to lift the massive slab of rock. Pain raced through
Kagatsu as pressure was taken off of his arm. Tokaki could not,
however, lift it enough for Kagatsu to get his arm out.

"How is that arm?" Tokaki asked

asked.

"It HURTS!" Kagatsu yelled 

yelled,

as another surge of pain came over him.
"Definately 

"Definitely

broken. Be careful when you move the rock." he then
added getting control over the pain.

Oh... Kagatsu's still speaking?  When you started a new 
paragraph, I assumed that Tokaki had started speaking. 
(that's the usual convention)

"I was referring to the other one."

"Oh." 

Oh,

Kagatsu said sheepishly. "Its 

It's

alright... I... could break
this rock.... with it if I could see it.... better."

I think there's too many ellipses in this sentence.

"I can see it fine, what 

fine.  What
or
fine; what

are you looking for?"

"I'm... not looking... for anything." 

anything,"

Kagatsu said, then 

said.  Then,
or
said; then,

a thought
came to him. "Can you... aim my sword to the rock?" he said 

said,

raising
his left arm.

Tokaki did his best to aim Kagatsu's sword toward 

towards

the rock that
pinned him down.

"Alright, there. What do you plan to do now?"

Using every ounce of mental strength he had left, Kagatsu
concentrated. The warmth of his seishi power rising within him
overcame the pain.

"Ha...sukii.... Shiyan!"

The energy release from Kagatsu's sword sliced neatly through the
stone. Tokaki then easily lifted it off of Kagatsu and Kagatsu
rolled out from his prison.

"That was impressive. Maybe you're worth teaching a thing or two
to."

I'd cut out the final "to".  

Tokaki's character appeared on his cheek and he and Kagatsu winked
out of sight.

**************************************************

"I hope everything's ok." 

okay,"
or
OK,"

Subaru said softly.

Moments later, Kagatsu and Tokaki appeared in front of the small
group. Kagatsu held his right arm close to his body 

body,

trying to keep
it immobile, but he couldn't hide the fact he was badly indured.

the fact that he was badly injured.

Blood covered his legs, almost the entrie right side of his body
and his face.

How about: 

Blood covered his legs, and almost the entire right side of his face and body.

"KAGATSU!" Eki and Akiya shouted 

shouted,

rushing over to him.

"I'm alright." 

alright,"

Kagatsu said weakly.

"No, you're not. Now hold still and let me take care of you!"
Eki said 

said,

giving him a 'don't you dare say no' look.

"I'll help you." 

you,"

Akiya said.

"No, that's alright 

alright;
or
alright.

I can do it."

"No, no, I insist"

I insist!"

"I said," Eki said 

said,

raising her voice and leaning forward. 

forward,

"I can
handle it."

She leaned forward till she bumped Kagatsu's right arm with her
shoulder 

shoulder,

causing him to wince, then immediately drew back.

"Are you alright?!" both Akiya and Eki said in unison.

"You should have let us take care of this." Tatara said 

this," Tatara said,

glaring
slightly at Kagatsu.

"I kept my promise, didn't I?" Kagatsu replied

replied.

"But, that's not the point." Subaru said 

point," Subaru said,

joining in.

"Let me take a look at your arm first." Eki said 

first," Eki said,

rolling up the
sleeve carefully, paying no attention to the others.

How about making that into its own sentence:

carefully.  She paid no attention

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Subaru asked.

As Eki rolled up Kagatsu's sleeve, she noticed the white character
glowing dimly on his shoulder. Eki's eyes widened from shock, and
a bit of delight as her hands covered her gaping mouth.

"Something wrong, Eki?" Akiya asked 

asked,

worried.

"Kagatsu... you... you're a..." 

a...,"

Eki began.

"I have been known to you as Kagatsu." 

Kagatsu,"

Kagatsu began faintly. 

I'd use another word than "began" here, since Eki just began something two lines ago.

"But
today marks the day where I finally take my place amongst you, as
the seishi Kagasuki."

***************************************************

End Chapter 3.

Hmmm... what happened to that Dasugi guy?  Is he just standing around, looking at the seishi or something?  Does he have anything to say about the fact that Shenchi got injured, or the fact that he's a seishi?

Keep up the good work!

I'll start on the revised chapter 1 tomorrow. ^_^

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
I am Ed McMahon of Borg.  You may already have been assimilated!


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