A Very Scary Bet, Rough
part 3a: My Woman From Ni-Chie-Ju?!?!

  I recently checked the pinyin romanization for myself, and concluded that
it's Nu-jie-zu.  This is, BTW, the same word (the same three han/kanji
characters, although the middle one used in the manga has been obsoleted by
the simplified character set used in the People's Republic)
as "Joketsuzoku", meaning "woman hero tribe".

 "Soon, I'll be granted the ability to transform
into some Magical Princess by some item of power my
advising mascot character will give me. Just like RAYEARTH!
Then I can defend the Amazon way of life from evil Musk
warriors and remnants of some demonic civilization."

Liked this bit.

------------------------------------------
 Moe and Larry had been joined by their brother
Curly after Curly had finished putting his globular casing
together and retracting his servo-arms.

This section seemed like a distraction to me.  Not particularly
funny.

 The strange thing had been that young Tate-kun

The mix is a bit awkward.  In the Japanese, Sasuke consistently refers to
Tatewaki as "Tatewaki-sama".  I'd pick either "Master Kuno" or
"Tatewaki-sama" and stick to it.

 "What the? 'Iinazuke No Ranma
Official Membership Card'?" Minako's eyes
went wide. "What kind of club is this?"

"Iinazuke no Ranma" would be "Ranma of fiancee", or "fiancee's Ranma".
I think you want "Ranma no iinazuke".

--------------------------
 Moe, Larry, and Curly-bot
continued their task.

 A borehole became a tunnel,
the tunnel became an accessway. Dirt was
lasered into rock. Rocks were lasered into
walls, walls were smoothed and prepared.

This section worked a bit better, I thought, though still longer than the
humor value is worth.

"The time you investigated that
pesky poltergeist in Shinohara only
to reveal that it was an inheritance
scam."

 "Or the Headless Houseguest,
or the Gambling King, or the Glitterrock
Ghost, or the Flatulence Phantom." Vanilla
frowned ever so slightly on that. Nabiki's
retelling of that adventure had been
diquieting.

 Ukyou's head snapped up.
"Waitaminute. How big is this password?"

 "Seventy four characters."

 "There was something that always
struck me as odd. Whenever we figured out
what the scam was and uncovered it, and
after we hid Kodachi when she joined us,
they always said the same thing. Lemmee
see the keyboard."

 Ukyou's fingers flew over the
keys, translating from Japanese to English.
"I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't
for you meddling kids."

This section confused me a bit.  It reads like a reference to something, but
I don't get it (other than the Gambling King).  Are these other episodes
in-joke references?  If so, a footnote as to where they're
from would be nice; if not, a footnote to say that they're original
would be nice.

 "Hmmm. Oh, they're in my lab, Shampoo.
They snuck in there forty minutes ago and they're
trying to navigate my database."

I liked this touch.

 "Sit down, Mister Aida!"

Kinsuke?

 Akane was through the window before
the teacher had finished speaking. "Time for me to
do what I'm best at!"

This bothered me a bit, for reasons I'm still trying to fully analyze.
Complaining that Akane is OOC is pointless, given that NOBODY in this story
grew up the way they did canonically, but still:  Akane is FIRST out the
window?  During school?  Without preliminary thoughts about showing somebody
that she's a martial artist too?  Most of the other characters are
recognizable, but the Akane who would do this is not.

 The Spells R Us evil wizard nodded, satisfied. Venus
had already had one of the dumplings and now weighed three
hundred pounds. "Lets see her try to wear her fuku now."

I'd have thought Venus would be one of your favorites.  While she's just as
bad as Usagi in everyday life, she IS a fighter, and the senshi's main field
general.

 "Eeeeeeek!" Ukyou said, being lifted off her feet
and being carried away by two of the faceless minions.

It's getting hard to keep track of the ways in which each character is
different in this story.  At this point, I don't remember/have no idea WHY
Ukyou is such a wimpy fighter.

"Dear Father, Brother, Sasuke:
  Have completed my studies abroad. Am enroute to rejoin all of
you and should be there in a few days. Will speak to you then.
  Hugs & Kisses, Kuno Kodachi - Fist of the Black Rose."

And I can't remember where we left Kodachi, what she's been doing.  Am I
even supposed to know?  Very confusing.

 "But I'm too tired to fly across to Japan!" Kiima
frowned. If she couldn't get a ride there, how could she cross?

Rest for a day?  She apparently DID fly there in the manga.

BFG hooked up as soon as you can. Stupid helicopter 'Poison
One' keep trying to attack Shampoo. Shampoo want clear
superiority in firepower. Is only right for Chinese Amazon!"

Where's Nuku-nuku?  She's supposed to be on her own way to Nerima,
right?

On the whole, your usual amusing work.  AVSB has been more uneven than your
usual (the funnier parts are VERY funny, but other parts don't seem amusing
to me at all), because of the large number of characters, I think.  I loose
track.  Also, you're using characters I care nothing about.  You're probably
using at least some characters that ALL your readers care nothing about.
But, that's your goal in this story, and I don't know how to fix it either.

And I'm still waiting to see Aeka and Ryouko go into action as sailor-suited
warriors!  Don't forget the silly gestures and speeches!  (Hmmm..
Ryouko probably ignores the speech requirement, earning a reprimand from
Aeka, who makes a very long, boring one...)