Akane vanished, and her clothes drifted down into Ranma's arms  She

arms <some sort of punctuation> She

Ranma woke, gasping for air.  He reached for the light, and looked
down at Akane, who was still sound asleep.  Just to be certain, Ranma
took Akane's hand, which was reassuringly warm, and felt the strong
pulse in her wrist.  He was amazed that she was sleeping, because his
nightmares usually woke her, and then he remembered that she'd taken a
pain pill before going to bed.

It amazed him that she was still sleeping
her; then he remembered

Honestly, kids these days... can't keep off drugs, even in Japan... ^_^

He turned off the lamp and tried to sleep, but the dream continued to

dreams, possible, since they were shown to be a series of somewhat
disjointed fragments.

Ranma wondered what Akane would think if she'd known how many nights
he'd spent in her room between their failed wedding and departure for

I sure as hell know. "What are you doing in my room, pervert?!" ^_^

college.  Despite the fact that he knew that she was all right, and

he knew she was

he'd only been dreaming, Ranma was never able to go back to sleep
until he'd reassured himself that Akane was still there, and therefore
he had spent many long hours sitting beside her bed, watching.  He'd

Ranma never managed to go back to sleep

and her hair tickling his chin, Ranma was finally able to relax, and
sleep.

Ranma finally managed to relax, and go back to sleep.

Ranma's eyes slowly opened, and one hand let go of Akane long enough
to turn off the alarm, and then it returned to caress her cheek.  He

alarm, then

Some time later, still arguing, the couple approached Ucchan's.

later, the couple, still arguing, approached

That was enough to make Akane stop short.  Since she'd gotten out of
bed, Ranma had been telling her not to come with him, but now he was
finally telling her why.  She put her hand on her husband's arm, her
face a mixture of affection and amusement.

now he finally told her why

Cologne held down the lid of the carton while Shampoo taped it.  The
room was filled with cartons, and the half-open door of Shampoo's
closet showed that it was close to empty.

showed that not much remained within. Or something like that.

driver from the air freight company entered.  He loaded the boxes into

*air* freight?

out in front of the truck, causing the driver to screech to a stop.

IMO, to a halt.

The driver continued on, and Mousse took his glasses off his forehead
and placed them over his nose.  He didn't want to get run down before

off his forehead to place them over his nose

The Saotomes watched Konatsu running toward the hospital, turned
around, and headed for campus.  Konatsu had been so worried about Ukyo

This confused me a bit until I realized that the Saotemes were the
ones to turn, not Konatsu.

By this time the couple was on campus, and they stopped for a cup of

By this time, the couple had reached campus,

Akane saw that Ranma was wearing his "protective" look again, and

Akane noticed that Ranma had taken on / assumed / something his

sighed.  He would probably be that way for the next few days, at the

sighed; he

very least.  She saw that Kikue, one of her classmates, was trying to
get her attention and waved for her to wait while Ranma kissed her
cheek and headed off to his own class.

A lot of "saw that" in this paragraph.

Akane was settling herself into her chair when Kikue came up to her,
looking very uncomfortable.

Akane settled herself into her chair as Kikue came up to her

"I've been watching you, Akane.  The two of you have all the signs.
I've noticed how he's always with you, holding onto you.  Now you show
up with these bruises!"

*big laugh*

When Akane met Ranma for lunch, she discovered that Kikue wasn't the
only person who'd drawn the wrong conclusions.  Ranma was standing
outside the cafeteria, and it was evident to Akane that he was
involved in some kind of disagreement with several students.  One of
them saw Akane approaching, and gestured in her direction.

Ranma stood outside the cafeteria,

Whatever the young man was going to say, it was impossible for him to
continue once Akane had both hands on his collar, holding him off the
ground.

Whatever the young man had planned to say,

The wind picked up as Ranma took the direct route home, traveling from

travelling ... innit?

roof to roof.  Within a minute it was raining, and Ranma landed on the

Within a minute, it began to rain,

Shampoo had been thrilled when Shiro had written her, suggesting that

when Shire wrote her

"He hurt me.  Mousse squeezed Shampoo's wrist so hard.  Am sure there
will be big bruise tomorrow.  Am in bed, writing this letter, and
already doorknob has rattled twice.  My door is locked, but Shampoo is
not sure if Mousse will respect the lock.

I'm not sure I can really believe this interpretation of Mousse...
if nothing else, the moment he starts getting abusive, Shampoo
should have no problem at all beating his head in.

to be both, and she'd ended up in the hospital.  Genma was going to be
at the receiving end of a lot of trouble when Ranma went home for the
weekend.

Genma would be at the

Akane was starting dinner when a rustling noise from the window
distracted her.  She smiled, opened one of the cupboards, and took out
a bag of birdseed.

Akane had justed started dinner when

Akane had begun feeding the birds shortly after she and Ranma had
returned from their honeymoon. An earlier tenant had put a bird feeder
outside the window, and Akane was fascinated with the variety of birds
that visited her.  She'd told Ranma that she missed P-chan less
because of the birds.  He'd given her a funny look, but hadn't said
anything.

...then promptly went pouring hot water on the birds. Or not.

It was sunset, and the birds usually came for a snack before going to
their nests for the night. They'd probably cleaned out the feeder

night; they'd

For one second, their eyes met, and they both understood what the
other was thinking.  Ukyo had come to finish what she had started.
Akane had no intention of letting her do that.

Um. Really. I must say it does seem just a *BIT* too violent
and vindicative, even for Ukyou. This is starting to sound like
some old slasher movie (of course, that could be because one of
the Friday the 13th movies is going on the TV about 3 feet away
from me right now...)

A little while later, the kitchen had been swept, the seed put outside
for the birds, and Ranma hung up the phone and joined Akane at the

IMO
the kitchen had been swept, seed put outside for the birds, and
Ranma had hung up the phone to join Akane

table for dinner.  He had phoned Ucchan's, but no one had answered.

but no-one answered.

Another call to the hospital told him that Ukyo had returned there,
something that surprised him greatly.

Now it's *really* starts to sounds like a slasher ... mad killer
escapes from hospital, makes hit, then returns to sleep peacefully. ^_^

Ranma took a mouthful of dinner, swallowed hastily, and drank nearly
all of his water.

"That bad, Ranma?"

Oh, yes, now he's trying to drown his sorrows in water... bad, that... ^_^

"Both.  And sorry you don't have a normal life, like other girls."

And I'm sorry

"You belong there, Ukyo."

"Well, actually, you belong somewhere with padded walls, but a
normal hospital is the second best thign." ^_^

"You nearly made the biggest mistake you could ever make.  Ranma likes
you, and he wants to be your friend.  If you killed his wife, he would
never forgive you."

I don't know... I guess, Konatsu is not shown enough for there to be
much certain about his personality, but would he really be judging
and trying to correct his goddess Ukyou-sama like this?

By the time the rehearsal was over, Ranma and Akane were tired, and

By the time the rehearsal ended,

very hungry.  They hadn't eaten very much of what Akane had cooked,
and looked forward to stopping for a snack on the way home.  Shiro
found them as they were putting on their coats.

very much of Akane's cooking,

"So I expect Shampoo some time this weekend, and I'm going to take her
somewhere safe, and leave her there until we get married."

safe, where I can leave her until

Friday was an uneventful day for the Saotomes, which was a welcome
relief.  They were happy to leave their classes late that afternoon,

Friday turned out to be an uneventful day for the Saotomes; a welcome
relief.

Akane followed, a little more slowly.  Someday she hoped Ranma would
respond that way to her cooking.

She hoped Ranma would some day respond that way to *her* cooking.

Ranma already had his mouth full when Akane came through the door, and
was holding a plate out to her.

and he held a plate out to her.

Soon there was nothing left but crumbs.  Akane started to wash the
dishes, and Ranma disappeared. He returned a short time later and came
up behind his wife, putting his hands on her waist.

Soon, nothing but crumbs remained.

Ranma never argued with the opportunity to sleep in, and Akane sighed
with relief when he closed his eyes and turned over.

Even despite his recent protectionism? Sure, they're back home, but
I think he'd at least voice some *minor* complaints; perhaps easily
convinced to forget them because of his fondness of sleep.

Akane nodded, and the two girls sped off around the corner, and walked
in the direction of the train station.  The walk was a silent one.

around the cornet to walk in the direction

Akane had a purpose in mind when she visited Shampoo, but was
uncertain how to start.  Shampoo, for her part, had never viewed Akane

Shampoo, but did not quite know how to start.

as anything but a rival.  The rivalry was over now, and she had no
idea what to think about the girl walking beside her.

rival, and now that the rivalry was over, she had no idea

No, that wasn't entirely true.  Akane had volunteered to forward
Shiro's letters to Kasumi, and thence to her.  Shampoo acknowledged

"thence"?

The sound of the door sliding open woke Ranma, who opened his eyes in
time to duck under his father's arms.

Ranma, and he opened his eyes in time

Ranma avoided his father's charge and tripped him, sending him
stumbling across the room and into the wall.  Genma was still

sendin the (old) man stumbling

"Son, your mother has convinced me that we have to go to Ube and do
something for Ukyo.  I realize this is a difficult time for you right
now, and we'll do what we can until you can do your part."

This is, knowing Genma, a military "we"? ^_^

"I'm not pregnant."

Heheh.

As abruptly as he'd begun to cry, Soun stopped.  He let go of Akane,
and glared at Ranma.

Knowing him, it's more like he'd start crying about her *not* having
a baby instead.





All in all... COS is a fine little series; it's not a big epic that
makes your hands shake as you reach for the pill-bottle to calm your
nerves efter every tense chapter - but that, IMO, is it's strenght;
it keeps going as an interesting story with a little romance and
just a little conflict. In these days of WuE, Doors Best Left Unopened
and whatnot, it represents something surprisingly rare.

The language works, but *could* live with a bit of improvement.
For one thing, you seem to use *passive* mode just a wee bit to much.
To qoute the Guide to writing really, really good fanfiction: ^_^
  To make your story more vivid, use the active forms of verbs
  whenever possible. Here are some examples:
  BAD: Ranma's head was flattened by the giant spatula.
  GOOD: Ranma's head was actively flattened by the giant spatula.

Characterization ... I think I've stated in comments on earlier chapters
that I do not completely agree with the way some characters have
changed throughout the course of this series, but if you *do* accept
the changes, I don't think there was any noticeable amounts of OOC,
beyond what I've commented on.


Remember, for C&C, FFIRC! #fanfic, bachman.newberry.edu, sundays 15.30 EST.
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/