"Miko" <nausicaa@sprynet.com> wrote:

Why did the painful things stay in memory, while the happy times faded
away? She had had fun as a child, making okonomiyaki with her father,
playing with Ran-chan. But it got harder and harder to remember what
that had been like.

-------

This is not much of a comment, I realize, but that last sentence is... well,
let's just say it doesn't roll off the tongue as smoothly as those that
preceeded it.  Nothing really wrong with it, but it doesn't seem as well
constructed as the others.  Is that as clear as mud?
I probably wouldn't comment on it at all, but it's the first thing I found
that I didn't entirely like.  ^_^

Will think about changing it. Considering how quickly this was written,
there's bound to be lots of room for improvement.... :)

-------

A vast sea of white surrounded her on all sides, with nothing else in
sight. She should have turned back long ago. The temple she sought could
be miles away -- if it even existed at all; only some written rumors
said that it did.

------

And, given that she'd found them in her cracker jacks....  ^_^

"I was hoping for a little toy spatula!" :-)

Yes, she thought, any sensible person would've turned back. But...

-------

But sensibility, being in proportion to how much the author does/doesn't
place the character on a pedestal.... ^_^

Oh, now I'm being mean.  O_o

Accurate, but mean. :-) Sensibility is rather rare in the Ranmaverse....

After long (minutes? hours? days?) of walking, a building came into
view.

-------

Well, there are a lot of ways to say that she doesn't know how much time has
passed, but that it feels much longer than it probably was... and a lot of
them are bad ways of saying it... but this sentence struck me as a little
odd.  Almost like the author has no idea what to write.

Supposed to express the character's ignorance, not the author's... will
think about whether there's a better way to say it.

-------
It was a modest size house, with a wide, curved roof that covered

a wooden porch.

------

modest-sized house

Unless a size house is some unusual type of construction that I'm not
familiar with.  O_o

The one from Alice in Wonderland? Okay, okay, I'll change it... :)

With the snow moved, Ukyo tried the door and found it unlocked. She
entered into a small room with no furnishings. The air wasn't really
warm, but less cold than the outside.

-------


this may be personal preference, but why not "She entered a small room".
It's assumed that this means she went into it, as opposed to around it or
something.  ^_^

OK.

-------

A somewhat pudgy, middle-aged man, dressed in simple robes, sat on the
floor. He was nearly bald, with only a thin layer of hair that Ukyo had
to look close to see. He gazed at her with an unreadable expression.

-------

Must be a foreigner... never could read anything foreign...  ^_^

D'oh!

"My fiancee, Ran-chan." She felt anger and pain rising within her. "He
promised long ago to look after me forever. And now he's... he's married
another woman!"

-------

Did Ranma ever promise this?  Or is this Ukyo's imagination at work?
I suppose you're assuming something not explicitely stated in the manga.

He kinda sorta did... in the Secret Sauce story.

"It- It was given!" Ukyo backed up a bit, suddenly feeling paranoid. Why
was the man taking *Ranma's* side? "What kind of question is that!"

--------

A question without a question mark, I guess.

That was deliberate, to convey her tone of voice.

"That's the same character that Ukyo wears on her shirt." Akane thought
for a moment. "That must mean that Ukyo must have sent the dog!"

-------

I've forgotten a lot of my grammer, and often write more by instinct than by
really knowing the rules.  But it seems to me that you could say "That must
mean that Ukyo sent the dog!" or "That means that Ukyo must have sent the
dog!", but what you wrote sounds wrong to me.  Or, to simplify things, just
say, "Ukyo must have sent the dog!"  ^_^

You're right, too many 'must's.

Neat!  ^_^  Not a bad short story, especially for two hours of work!

Thanks, I appreciate the corrections!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics