Now, who to use it on.  

That should probably be a question.

Hmm, Shampoo?  No, thought Akane.  The last time
she deliberately went up against Shampoo, it ended in disaster.  She had
even grown _whiskers_.  

I don't know if this quite works.  Akane never actually seemed to be
afraid of Shampoo, even when she should have been.  

   A student who seemed at first to be a boy ran up from the distance, but
Akane soon recognized as Ukyou, in her boys' uniform.  "Ran-chan, tell

"boy's uniform."

   "The Dojo Yaburi.  He's going around beating up the martial artists in the
city again.  The Ucchan isn't a dojo but it does have a sign and I am a martial
artist and I practice my art there and he did mention it...."

Ukyou speaks in run-on sentences?

   "Let me at him", replied Ranma.

Try "snarled Ranma" or something like that.  He's not answering a question,
really, so "replied" isn't quite right.

    Akane threw a convenient bucket of water at Ranma and said "Fine, Ranma.

Comma or colon after "said."

   "... only ever really talked like this before with Akane...  things always

happen_ so it's like that, Ucchan..."

Got an extra line break there...

   "<Hello girl!>" said the principal.  "<Oh my god!>  You're violating the
school hair code, the new hair code you can't get away with any more!"

The principal might be a bit confused about Ukyou's gender if she's
in her boy disguise.  After all, he's hardly the most astute observer in
the universe...

   "Forget this." said Akane, and malleted the pineapple plant, splashing Ranma
with juice and leaf fragments.

So does this mean Ukyou will get shaved, since Ranma's hostage is
gone?  Maybe the principal is too overwhelmed with grief to follow through
with his threat...

   "I guess."  Ranma pointed upwards.  "We have stars if you want to look at
those, Ucchan.  You know, until the last two days it was like I was being
forced together with Akane."

I'd suggest you give it a little longer than two days for things to pan out the way
they have. The events of the story could easily be considered to have occurred
over a longer period of time, and two days seems too brief a time for Ranma's
feelings to change so dramatically.

-------------------


An interesting counterpoint to Gary's fic.  I have a few
comments and suggestions

- While Akane does have a wrathful and vindictive streak,
I don't get the impression that she is much of a schemer.  You
might consider writing the misfortune-transferral thing as more
of an impulsive act than a premeditated one.  Ukyou does 
something to make Akane mad, the chance for Akane to do
this misfortune-transferral spell arises, and in her anger she
goes through with it.  That would seem more in line with Akane's
character, to me, than the way you've got it now.

- I didn't understand the scene with Nodoka, I'm afraid.  I 
gather you meant that Akane's cooking misfortunes had 
transferred to Ukyou, but that didn't seem convincing to me,
in spite of Ukyou's nervousness about Nodoka.  Cooking is
a matter of skill for Ukyou, not luck.  I don't know that the
Nodoka scene really fits.

- I think a scene in which Kuno declares his undying love
for Ukyou and ignores Akane might be quite a funny additon.

- The idea that Akane wouldn't realize that the times of 
hardship are what bring her closer to Ranma is a very good
one.  A very valid and insightful interpretation of the character,
I thought.  I liked your take on Ranma - he is likely to be 
most attracted to the person who most frequently arouses his
protective instincts.  


All in all, not a bad fic.  I enjoyed reading it.

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless