I hope you don't mind if I make this a public reply; I have a couple of
generally useful comments.  First thing though:  I like what you have so
far, so don't be turned off by my negative comments.

story is original or not but I really apologize if I stole anyone's
plot.

Nah.  The formula for originality, according to Scott Adams, is

Originality = Theft + Time + Lack of Talent

That is, we steal someone else's idea, work on it for a long time, and since
we aren't as talented as the guy who came up with the idea, it resembles the
original less and less, until viola! we have an orginal idea. ^_^;

If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Amen.

A ship flew to earth; its shape was different from any other Jurian
ships or Galaxy

[skip]

gold eyes.  Ayeka was to surprised to react and at that moment, with an
evil smile,  hands

Ack.  We already know this.  Of course Ryoko and Aeka argue.  That's a
given.  Nothing new happens until the next sentence.

Except maybe for the spaceship.  I'll get to that later.

>from gold-eyed person shoved her.  Glass from Tenchi's window broke as

Ayeka was pushed
out and she gave out a scream as she fell from the second floor all the
way down to
the ground.

Why not start the story here?  In journalism, this is what we call a "hook"
(I think, it's been a long time since school).  The idea is that you need to
get the reader's attention.  People judge a book by its cover, and if they
don't like the title and the first sentence, they'll stop reading.  Might I
humbly suggest that "Glass from Tenchi's window broke..." might be an
excellent hook?

The sound of glass breaking and a scream brought Tenchi and the rest of
the

[skip]

"Ryoko...Ryoko pushed me. She pushed me out the window...."
and she fell into unconsciousness.

At this point, if the reader has no idea about the spaceship or the
conversation (argument?) with Ryoko, they (the reader) is just a bewildered
as the Masaki household, and probably very curious about what happened.
They'll keep reading.

Believe?

Eh?

"Ryoko, how could you say you didn't do it?  Look at her!" Tenchi said,
pointing
to Ayeka.   "Ayeka said you did.  Do you think she would just jump
through the window?

A point I really want to bring up here is the extreme volatility (is that a
word?) of the characters emotions.  Everyone seems to be screaming and
crying, as if the Wrath of the Lamb had suddenly descended on Japan.  While
I could understand Sasami and Mihoshi going to pieces, and maybe even
Tenchi, I just get the feeling that the emotions are...  overdone.

Then again, I tend to undercook my own character's emotions, so maybe you're
doing it right, after all.

Meanwhile, on the ship hovering above the Earth's atmosphere, the

<petpeeve>Meanwhile?  Hopefully the reader can figure out that it's
meanwhile.  If it was later or earlier than meanwhile, we might want to
know.  Otherwise, we assume meanwhile.</petpeeve>

looking at the stars together, experiencing one of those quiet motherly
daughterly
moments.

o_O I really can't say I understand how that is, being neither a mother nor
a daughter. ^_^

"I'm a bit exhausted and a little pained, but I will live, Lord Tenchi."
She said
lightly.

Articulate even when half-dead!  Ah, what a princess!

Sorry.

her sister. Almost
bursting into tears, she ran to her sister and embraced her.

I have a hard time understanding the emotions that these people are going
through, since I've never experienced anything similar.  It's like watching
people talk behind a soundproof barrier:  I don't get the message, and hey!
it looks almost comical.

So tell us (the readers) what it's like for them.  What are the characters
feeling, what are the physical sensations, how does this compare to anything
in their experience?  Are there any appropriate analogies from everyday
life?

So, what do you think? This was my first attempt to write a fan fic, so
it's
probably not one of the best things you've read.  Tell me what you think

Nay, it's not the best, but it's far from the worst.

I haven't seen the OAV series which I'm trying to base the story on, I
only know
about it from what I read, so it'd be really nice if anyone read my
story and
saw something wrong and told me so I can fix it.

Watch the OAV's if you can.  You'll avoid some fanfic stereotypes, and make
the characters more, well, in-character.

Also, I realize, because my fave character is Ryoko, I unwarily made
Ayeka into
a really bad guy, which is totally bias because she has a good caring
character,
so in the rest of the story, I'll try to do some work on Ayeka.

I honestly didn't notice.  So far it seems like the only bad guy is the
"mysterious person."

Oh, yeah, the mystery dude.  Does he really need to appear this early in the
story?  Since what happened is such a mystery to the characters, why not
make it a mystery to the reader, too?  They can be asking, "What really
happened," along with the more soul-searching question, "Would Ryoko really
do that?" and "Could Aeka be lying?"  Then, when it all comes out later, the
reader nods sagely and says, "Gee, now it all makes sense."

Now then, if I thought highly of myself and my opinion, I'd be begging you
not to commit seppuku just because I said some bad things about your fic.
Since I'm not such a great writer myself, I hope you'll accept this as a
humble contribution to a fanfic of some potential.

-- Craig Putnam
Sailor Singularity