I hope you don't mind my posting this C&C to the FFML; I figured that
since you've posted public C&C for others' fics, and since you didn't
request private C&C, you wouldn't mind.
All comments strictly my opinion, offered in good spirit.
Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 23:44:06 -0700
From: Jamie and Bridget Wilde <wildeman@psn.net>
SYNOPSIS
It is the year 1670 AD. Ranma Saotome, his adopted sister Ukyo,
the Amazon Warrior Shampoo, and the Lady Akane of the House of Tendo
have been abducted by Portugeuse traders in the Orient. It is the hope
Portuguese
of First Mate Manuel Delgado that they fetch a high price as slaves
from the President of the Audencia de Panama, Don Juan Perez deGuzman,
who is rumored to have a fetish for Asian women.
While on its return voyage, the _Deguello_ is sunk in the Andaman
Sea by a sea monster known as Anfaulag. The monster craves the spirit
of Nerial, Queen of the Mermaids, which resides within the jewel of a
ring worn by the _Deguello's_ captain, Eduardo Cristobal. Cristobal
dies, but not before passing on the ring to the unwitting Ranma with
{It occurs to me to wonder if Ranma is ever NOT "unwitting"... :) }
his final breath.
J. Austin Wilde and Fission Park Press proudly present:
RULER OF THE RAGING MAIN
Part Eight: The Treacherous Tides of Fortune
By J. Austin Wilde, K.B.C.S.
Super Critical Reactor Axe Man
Fission Park Press
wildeman@psn.net
http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/
"Oh! Hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us.
And black are the waters that sparkled so green.
The moon, o'er the combers, looks downward to find us
At rest in the hollows that rustle between.
Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow;
Ah, weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease!
The storm shall not wake thee, no shark overtake thee.
Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas."
-Rudyard Kipling
{Ahhh. I haven't read "The White Seal" for a couple of decades. I really
must go read it again. Thanks for reminding me.}
Chapter One
He looked at Akane once more. She would be warm once the sun rose
a bit more into the sky, that was certain. That fact didn't stop him
from kindling some their remaining firewood.
some of their
Driftwood wasn't the only legacy of the _DeGuello_ that he found.
Several bits of crab ridden carrion washed up onto the beach as well.
crab-ridden
When he had gathered up all that could be found on the beach, he
started towards the groves of mangos for breakfast. The fruit was sweet,
creamy and succulent, and he ate his fill of them before gathering up a
few to take to Akane.
{Some wild mangos taste like kerosene smells; Ranma got lucky. Oh, well,
could be worse: it could be durian. :) }
He felt her leave him then, that sudden silence within his skull
that marked her departure. He shuddered to himself, for her last
impression upon him was of a sudden mischief forming within her dark
spirit, to be nursed until such time as it was ripe for springing upon
him.
{Now THAT's a foreboding. Nice.}
"My mother's family told Genma that he had brought their house
low, and that he had to commit seppuku in order to atone for my
mother's death. Instead of doing the honorable thing and killing
himself, he ran away and took me with him." He looked down at his
feet. "I've never known why Pop even told me the truth in the first
place - it's never stopped him any other time."
{Why do I get the feeling that Genma hadn't told him the truth then either?}
"I dunno," he began. "I mean, that's like asking me what it's like
to be alive. It's all I've ever known." He looked at her crosswise.
{"sidelong", perhaps?}
Akane continued to look up at Ranma. "Alright, so I'm not the
greatest fighter in the world. Teach me the way of the sword," she
said quietly. "I know I can do it."
"What?" Ranma spluttered. "Akane, I've been working towards this
my whole *life.* I've done nothing but train to someday become samurai.
What have *you* done most of your life? Arrange flowers? Play the koto?
Practice the Tea Ceremony? There's no way you could do it!"
Akane's expression shifted from shame back to anger.
"You're just afraid that I'll be better than you some day."
Ranma started to walk away. He was trying not to fight with this
girl, but it seemed that a fight was all she really wanted. What was
she trying to prove, anyway?
"I don't see how it makes any difference right now one way or the
other," he said over his shoulder. "Until we get off this island and
make it back to Japan, neither of us will ever become samurai."
{This whole scene rings very true. Both Ranma and Akane are shown as
grittier than the originals, as expected. Applause.}
"Maybe so," she replied soberly. "But it's the half you meant that
hurts."
Ranma shook his head slowly.
her
"It doesn't hurt. Come on, Akane, we're talking about a life
dedicated to martial service." She flexed her fingers into a crackling
fist. "You don't just pick it up in a year or two. You're born to it.
You live your whole life for it. You die in fulfillment of it. That's
why it's so hard for a peasant to become samurai: even if they had the
opportunity, there's no time for them to learn and still fulfill their
duties as farmers."
{Good point, and often overlooked.}
"You're probably right," she sighed dejectedly.
"Well there's a first," Ranma replied with a friendly grin.
"Well, there's
Chapter Two
Ukyo sank in exhaustion at the oars. Her hands were red and
blistered from pulling at them for most of the previous night.
{Been there, done that; sounds like you have, too. Salt water, wooden
handles, and soft hands are a painful combination...}
"Thank the gods," she sighed. "We've finally lost them."
"Yes, but does spatula girl know where *we* are?" Shampoo returned
harshly.
Ukyo looked around. Small reefs and other minor islands lay in all
directions. Without the many dots of land to hide amongst, they would
never have managed to elude the prince's men. Of course they had become
completely lost in the process.
{From one of the islands, they heard a faint shout: "Ranma! Because of
you, I have seen HELL!" :) }
"Not the faintest idea," she admitted to the purple-haired Amazon.
"Is bad," Shampoo said. "We not know which way leads back to ships.
We could run into them by accident."
Ukyo shook out her fall of chestnut colored hair and watched
squadrons of silvery flying fish leap out of the water a dozen yards
away from their boat.
{The sound when they dive back in is like the first few seconds of a
tropical rain... *sniffle* I miss Hawaii sometimes.}
Her tribal law dictated that for his victories over her he must
marry her. Ranma would sire many brave girls to defend the village from
without, and many strong and hardy boys to tend to the fields, maintain
the walls and canals, and mind the livestock to keep the village strong
within. She would bear his children proudly, knowing that their brood
would be greater in number and glory than any of her cousins'.
There had been a time when she had found the thought of lying down
with him to be utterly repulsive. His Jusenkyo curse made him a woman,
and while there were some in the village who sought children through
men and love with their own sex, Shampoo was not one of them. Loving a
woman was not something Shampoo could do, and she would not love anyone
who was less than a true man.
In the course of their imprisonment, Ranma had proven that he was
a man through and through, even while trapped in the body of a beautiful
woman. Though he was inexperienced and possibly even ignorant to the
ways of bodily pleasure, Shampoo looked forward to many nights spent in
his arms, to feel him deep inside, her body moving desperately atop him
as he sowed his seed.
{*blink* Of course she'd expect to be on top, wouldn't she.
This passage is crude, blunt, concise, and very effective at describing
Shampoo's mind and Joketsuzoku culture. Applause.}
After they had finished eating, Shampoo rowed them up onto the
beach. Ukyo pulled the boat well up onto the beach to keep the tide
from taking it later. It was big island, and they planned to search as
was a big
much of it as possible before they moved on.
"I have a name, you know," Ukyo retorted. She had always hated the
Amazon's nickname for her.
"Very well. Shampoo no have to explain self to spatula girl Ukyo."
{snicker. Pure Shampoo.}
Ukyo grimaced in irritation. Something was definitely wrong with
Shampoo's attitude toward Ranma. It suddenly dawned on her what that
something might be, and her heart clenched tight with jealousy.
"Don't tell me you're in love with him now," she muttered. "Forget
it, Shampoo. Even if he was interested in you - which he's not - He's
not - he's
promised to ME."
Shampoo raised an eyebrow at this.
"Shampoo no see how. You and Ranma are brother and sister."
"Not really," Ukyo said with a grin. "I'm his *adopted* sister. I
was promised to Ranma when we were little. The dowry was offered by my
father and accepted by Genma Saotome."
"Ranma not know about this then," Shampoo observed. "He always act
like you and he are brother and sister."
Ukyo shrugged. "He didn't know until he overheard me telling
Akane about it, right before the sea monster attacked us. He went down
into the hold to kill his father because of it."
"Ha," Shampoo snorted. "You expect Shampoo to believe story?"
"You'd better, honey," Ukyo said with a grin. "'Cause it's the
truth."
{Second "said with a grin" in a short span of text...}
Shampoo gave Ukyo an even look, trying to conceal her smugness.
She knew the truth, and truth was that she was the one who had kissed
and the truth was that {?}
Ranma, and had the pig-tailed martial artist been in his normal body,
how much further that kiss could have taken them. **Ukyo can only pine
for Ranma,** she thought, remembering the many longing looks she had
seen Ukyo give her 'adopted brother' when he wasn't looking. **I will
be the one to have him.**
Chapter Three
His mind still in a daze, he watched them secure lines to the
longboat. Next they began to haul it up out of the water from a boat
davit hung over the side. When the longboat was resting on the deck
of the ship, more men pulled them gently from their broken craft.
{Nautical question: if memory serves, rotating davits hadn't been invented
then, at least by Western shipfitters. If the boat had been taken up on
davits, it would have been hoisted to about the level of the rail, but
remained outside the hull of the ship; to place the boat on the deck,
they'd use hoists and sways. I don't know much about Burmese/Ming ships
of the time, though... did they have rotating davits?}
Hsinbyushin turned to his sunburned Portuguese aide de camp.
aide-de-camp {?}
"<So, Captain Martin, what think you?>"
"<We should interrogate them, your highness. They're likely
Dutch,>" the red faced man replied. "<They could even be part of an
red-faced
expedition seeking to learn more about your fleet.>"
"The panda is not to be harmed," he told the red faced man.
red-faced
Martin offered an apologetic look to his prince.
"<I am at as much a loss to this as you are, highness. This man,
"<I am at as much of a loss in this as you are {I think. I doubt I'd get
it right the first time if I tried to actually say it. :) }
Delgado, and the Jesuit here, swear that all shall be explained when
we bring the beast and hot water to them.>"
"<It shall be done as you command, highness,>" Martin said with a
bow. He summoned a company of musket armed troops to the room, making
musket-armed
it very crowded indeed. The troops settled for stacking up in three
ranks in the threshold of the door, their weapons pointed at the panda,
who gave them a weary growl.
{The image is quite amusing.}
"<I'll expect to see them in my quarters for the evening meal,>"
he told Captain Martin. "<See that they are suitably attired to be in
my presense.>"
presence
absolute." His throat was still cracked and sore, and he coughed. "Yet
here I see a great squadron of ships commanded by a heathen prince and
guided by my good countrymen in defiance of the Dutch. It is a peculiar
if welcome sight."
{"peculiar but welcome", perhaps? Up to you, of course.}
knew how to deal with patriots. That left the prince, the engima, and
prince: the enigma, and {?}
possibly the key to achieving his ends.
Delgado nodded slowly. It was the best, if indirect, proof he had
yet of Ranma's survival. If Shampoo and Ukyo could survive the wreck
and the storm, then certainly Ranma, who now wore Cristobal's ring!
ring, could! {Implied, I know, but...}
"However did you survive then? No cannon, your muskets useless.
survive, then? (unless "then" = "at that time"}
"It would," the prince couched. "Provided that you spoke the
truth."
{That's a pretty obscure usage of "couch"...}
Chapter Four
"Yeah I do," he replied sternly. "And I ain't doing a thing to
"Yeah, I do,"
help you."
~Ranma! This is no simple game of wills to be played! This is your
very life, your very soul, and that of Akane's, at risk!~
and Akane's {or} and that of Akane
Ranma took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I ain't gonna do it. And now I know that you can't make me."
~Fool! Prideful stubborn fool!~
{He may be foolish, but he's not stupid. :) }
Neptune's curse knew no end to his torment.
{er... I'm having trouble parsing this. "There was no end to his
[Anfaulag's] torment by Neptune's curse"?}
As a merman he could
have taken the form of a human and walked ashore to claim what was his.
With this monstrous body he was anchored to the sea.
Ranma looked out across the black waters of the sea.
"Yeah," he said quietly. "Yeah it's still out there. Somewhere."
"Yeah, it's
She had meant to use him as her instrument of murder -to
murder - to
eliminate an old lover who was past his usefulness. Their lives were
in no immediate danger, in spite of her claims. This realization
reinforced his desire to have nothing to do with her, and to make
good on his promise to Neptune.
END OF PART EIGHT
Author's Notes:
2. We are now at the halfway point of this story. My thanks to everyone
who has held on this far. I hope the buildup hasn't been too excessive,
because we do still have a ways to go (both geographically and in the
development of the storyline) until the final stage is set.
Halfway? Hmm. It feels more like a third, from the countdown calendar
and the pacing so far, but you're the one who knows...
For some reason I can't explain, Prince Hsinbyushin seems to have
something in common with Herb and Saffron. I don't suppose
"Hsinbyushin" is some obscure cooking ingredient, is it? :)
High points: Ranma and Akane's discussions, Shampoo's thoughts,
Ranma's internal battle with Nerial, and the revelation of Nerial's
aid to Ranma's enemy.
RotRM continues to hold my interest. I'm looking forward to the
next chapter.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/ updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.