Hihi ^_^
Okay, I realize there aren't that many "Please Save My Earth"
fics out there, but I'm hoping (okay, begging) that you'll read
this, even if you're not familiar with the series, and let me know
what you think. I've tried to write it in a way that even someone
unfamiliar with the series might enjoy it.
PSME is my absolute favorite manga series, period. The OVAs left a lot out,
sadly. However, I am MORE than willing to read your fic ^_^
Since then, he couldn't seem to get the stupid lady, with
the strange name of Alice, out of his head. Alice. What kind of
stupid name was that?
maybe too many stupids in one paragraph?
It was annoying. He had even gotten in trouble at school
because of it, when the teacher had caught him doodling a stick
figure with long hair on his math paper. But who cared?
Additions and subtractions were boring anyway. He couldn't wait
to move up to the 2nd grade, where the older kids were at least
being taught multiplication tables, and not the baby stuff he had
to do now.
Rin is 7 and almost 8 in the manga, I would say that he's probably in the
2nd grade, going on 3rd. I may be wrong...
Alice was so gullible. He loved to tease her, she was so
easy to trick. She was even more gullible than the
kindergartners, and she was a high school freshman. He didn't
I don't think Arisu was a HS freshman. There was that whole bit about
changing schools, I think she's in her second year...
Rin gave Mama a thin-lipped smile, and held up two fingers
in the "peace" sign.
HAHAHA very very true to Rin's character :) :)
>From here on out, you slip into the "retelling the story" bit, and the
"from Rin's perspective" seems to drop out, you start to refer to what
Alice sees. Just a commentary. It seems out of sync with the rest of the story.
Back to the "good stuff" about here ^_^:
He was trembling. He was frightened of the small animal,
and he didn't know why. It didn't make any sense. He'd seen
lots of pictures of cats before, and he'd seen them on TV, but
they didn't seem scary then. The cat came towards them, and he
gasped and clung to Alice's legs.
Then you fall into the trap again...
Alice looked at him, perplexed, yet obviously pleased that
the appearance of the cat had effectively tamed her monstrous
young charge. "I just... Look, she just won't. Here, why don't
you try petting her?"
"See? That's wasn't so scary, was it?" Alice smiled.
"I... I guess." He stroked the cat's head again, this
time, with his whole hand. "I've never really been around
animals before."
You should go more into what he's thinking, how HE sees Alice and the cat....
"Anyway, Alice... Issei and I wanted you to know... We're
not gay."
Same here, falls into the "if you watched the ovas or read the manga, you
know all this.."
Rin fidgeted in his seat, a small scowl settling across his
brow. He was through with his ice cream. And he didn't like the
way this conversation was going. Most of it didn't even make any
sense. He just didn't like the feel of it... but even more, he
especially didn't like the way Jinpachi was looking at Alice.
It might be interesting to have it make SOME sense to Rin.... a memory...
On top of that, he didn't feel very good. That strange
feeling was back, tickling the base of his skull, making his head
ache.
Like this, this is good :)
Jinpachi looked at Alice and smiled. "Yeah. I know it
sounds weird, but we do. Then there's--"
*Shukaido* The strange word flitted through Rin's mind. He
blinked, and rubbed one eye with the heel of his hand.
Okay this part's good :) :)
Jinpachi turned on his friend, flushing with embarrassment.
"That's not what I meant!" He scowled. "Maybe you are gay."
Issei's mouth opened in shock. "Hey! What kind of thing is
that to say?"
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Very very good
Alice sighed. "Come on, Rin, we were having such a good
time earlier today. Why are you sulking all of a sudden?"
Silence.
Go into why he's being silent.... You keep jumping in an out of your story
^_^ !! :)
Then, a light touch, a brush of wind, and for a wild, mind-
numbing moment, he thought Alice was with him again.
*sigh* Mokuren :)
But then it was gone.
Actually.... I don't think Mokuren left him after that ^_^
"Shion... Shion! Wake up!"
Excuse me while I drool.... SHION!! drool drool drool
This part is GREAT!!!! ^_^
A shock of ebony hair, hanging over large, slanted dark eyes
in a bronze-skinned face.
drool drool drool
OKAY ! The rest was very good. I have a friend who will swear to you though
that Shion never loved Mokuren... Don't ask me ^_^;; I love Shion and
Mokuren. However, my friend can read fluent Japanese and she keeps telling
me differently... but I don't care, I carry the Shion-Mokuren torch myself :)
For those who are interested in reading "what happened after the anime"
there is a cool site up now by Animec:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/6974/pmenu.html
Great job Krista! I think it needs a few tweaks, a little less retelling or
at least a bit more embellishment, and it will be perfect.
take care
misa
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