Very well done.
Some specific reactions:
Well, I waited for quite some time, but haven't gotten enough comments
on
chapter 10 to bother revising it significantly (outside of a spell
check)
>from the version I accidentally posted here. If enough people want me
to,
I'll repost it, though... In the meantime, here's Chapter 11 (which
was
completed a while ago, but I was waiting (and I'm still waiting-
Freemage,
where are you!?) for one of my prereaders to reply to both this and
chapter
10...
Chapter 11
Ahem...
As I posted to the list earlier this week, I am back. And I am back
on duty. Send me Chap. 12 when you're at the preread stage.
Ranma stuck his tongue out at her quickly before helping her to her
feet.
Donning a robe of his own, he brushed a strand of hair out of Akane's
mildly reddened eyes. "Come on, let's go clean you up and get ready
for
school, okay?"
This bit was very nicely done... a good "morning after jitters" scene.
Ukyou nodded. "I need to talk to Ranma, and he's been coming to class
early the past few days, so..."
"Right... well, see you later," Ryouga said. With a smile and a nod,
Ukyou
was gone.
I like the new, self-aware Ryouga. His recognition of his own
selfishness was well-handled.
The mess from his backpack was subtly handled, as well.
"Er... well, uh, they are kinda worth looking at," he stammered in
reply.
Nice dialogue in the first half of this scene.... Just the right amount
of subtext to the conversation.
Ranma blinked, twisting his neck to see what she was pointing at.
"Weird.
You think it might have something to do with my curse?"
This conclusion didn't quite work for me. If they had found it on Ranma
first, then Akane, I might see how he could think that. But his curse
wouldn't affect Akane in any fashion, at least not enough to be a "first
suspect". If I had been prereading, I actually would have had her
notice the mark on him, him speculate on a link to the curse, then he
notice her mark, dispelling the curse theory and prompting her to ask
the succubus.
'Um... I could give you some ideas that would make it better for you
two
when you have to make love as girls in the future,' Iria said, trying
to
distract Akane.
'We don't want to do that ever again,' Akane said, shaking her head.
[And the Hentai legions were wroth.]
"Ah, we miss school all the time. We could always say something
important
came up..."
"Like what?" Akane asked, releasing him. "What excuse could we use
that
they wouldn't have heard from us before?"
Hell, as often as they miss, I'd think any excuse would be plausible....
Ranma thought for a moment, taking time to look at his fiancee
carefully.
Suddenly, much like Akane had in her Mythology class the previous day,
he
felt the desire to do something rather... impulsive. "We could elope,"
he
suggested, his voice level enough that it could either be taken
seriously
or as a joke.
Hedge those bets, Ranma!
"Well... we could always hold a ceremony afterwards- maybe after we
resolved some of the feuds which would tear the wedding apart
otherwise. I
want Ukyou there, and maybe even Shampoo... I can imagine you might
want
Ryouga to attend..."
"That pig?" Akane growled, tensing up.
Gee, I take it you're not a believer in the "School of Instant
Forgiveness"?
"Well, I can pool together enough money for the marriage license and
another few hours at that love hotel, so I was thinking that I could
take
you on a honeymoon this time, and you could take me on one NEXT
time...."
Now THAT'S a woman you marry....
"What?" Ukyou cried, gawking. She couldn't believe her ears.
"You heard me, child. Ranma and Akane have betrayed humanity by aiding
an
evil spiritual being."
"Hmm... interesting," the mythology teacher considered. "Perhaps Ranma
and
Akane deserve extra credit for that..."
@_@
That was just so... right.
"Very well- but don't say I didn't warn you," Cologne sighed and shook
her
head. 'She might as well find out that Ranma's made his choice.'
I'm surprised Cologne doesn't warn her... or is she hoping that the
shock will induce Ukyou to kill Ranma so Shamp's honor will be restored?
* * * * *
"I now pronounce you... husband and wife."
What?!? No last-minute interruptions? The JoP's niece wasn't betrothed
to Ranma in exchange for letting Genma out of jail ten years ago? Not
even an alien invasion? You do realize, of course, that we may have to
revoke your Ranma-license. Can't have fic writers totally blowing off
established forms and such, now can we? Why, that might lead to...
*hushed whisper* originality....
^_^
"I'm in Nerima- Ranma asked Ukyou to put me up while I'm here, so I'm
here
at the Ucchan. Oh, bring Katsunishiki to protect you- there's
something
dangerous in the area you should know about..."
Oh, yeah, by all means. Bring the giant pig--I'm sure the Oni woould
never even think of possessing a half-tom mountain of muscle and
tusk....
"WHAT?!" Ukyou cried. "And Ranma went ALONG with this?"
"And the skies thundered, and the seas trembled, and the earth split.
And even the Devil on his throne quaked in fear, for all knew that the
Destroyer was about to be released...."
~_~
"Good bye," Nodoka said to Cologne, seeing her start her way out of the
house.
"We'll be back later to talk to Ranma," the Amazon matriarch said.
"He'd
better be here."
Oh... this is getting good. And I found no technical flaws at all.
Good job all around.
--Freemage
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