At 03:52 PM 3/12/99 GMT, you wrote:

Alan Harnum <harnums@thekeep.org> wrote:

Commentary's appreciated; public or private, your choice.

Commentaries? On something that's not a 3 kb spamfic? Whaddaya think
this is? :-)

I dunno.  Maybe I should have included a voting form that would have let
people decide what happens to Tofu or something.  ;)

    Then He seized him by the throat with the hand of gold, and
hurled him back down among the dead.  His eyes were plucked out
here too, and his screams silenced as they sliced out his tongue.
The dead passed eyes and tongue back and forth among themselves,
fondling them as if they were toys.  Too deep among they dead to
breathe.  Too deep among the dead to move.  Too deep, too deep,
too deep.

Nicely done torture scene; you're a little too good at this kind of
thing. ^_^

What can I say?  I have a vivid imagination.

    The vehicle they were riding in went over a bump in the
road, and Nabiki winced as the impact shook through her.  There
was no light anywhere; the windows must be covered.

Suggest 'the windows had to be covered.' (Past tense)

<nod>  S'better.  Will change.

    "Come on, Kasumi, talk to me."
    
    Nabiki had woken up a few minutes ago, and had been making a
futile effort to get Kasumi to talk to her.

May want to reword "talk to her" to avoid the repetition.

Good idea.  

    "He came in the house, Nabiki," Kasumi answered.  Her voice
was a whisper flat as a pane of glass.  "He came in the house and
he touched me."

No.. FIRST he touched her, and THEN....

You're the second person to make this joke, though in a different form,
Gary.  

    "Who are you guys?  Yakuza, right?"  She knew perfectly well 
that they weren't, but feigning ignorance often got people to 
reveal more than they would have otherwise.

    "We're much older than that," Unagi said conversationally.  

"Yakuza retirees, then?"

"We're Legitimate Businessmen.  I swear."

    He said nothing more.  A divide, steep-sided and empty, had
opened between them.  Nabiki watched him walk to the chairs and
pull one next to Kasumi.  When he spoke to his oldest daughter,
his voice was pitched too low for Nabiki to hear.  Old wounds, 
the buried pain of never being able to have any real closeness at 
all to her father even as a child, throbbed anew beneath the 
scars lain over them.  Akane had been Dad's student, the follower 
of the Art.  Kasumi had kept his house.  What had she done?  It 
wasn't surprising, in the end, that it had come to this.

    Kasumi never said anything back, but her father kept on

Did you mean Nabiki here rather than Kasumi?

Err, no.  Meant to be that Kasumi doesn't respond to Soun when he talks to
her.  Will try to make clearer.

    "Yes, of course he is," Yoko said, cutting her off.  "It
would not do to have him be anything but."  The way she said it 
made Nodoka realize for the first time how truly dangerous Yoko
was; the coldness of her tone left no doubt that she felt Ranma
lived only because she had chosen to let him.  An utter
ruthlessness was in her voice, though nothing but that.

Don't understand the meaning of that last phrase.

Will change.

    Kasumi was taken into the circle, the women parting for a
moment to admit her.  As if upon impulse, Nabiki stepped forward.

    "Take me instead."
  

Cool... Nabby's trying to make up for last time.

Yup.
  

    Yoko's head turned.  The black-glass gaze swept over Nabiki.
"No.  You are not fit.  She will not be harmed badly."

"In fact, she will be harmed extremely skillfully!"

"She will not be seriously hurt.  In fact, I think I'll probably laugh
while I'm doing it!"

    Yoko saw Kuronuma, the most potent of Fuhaiko's warped 
little creations, flow in a seething and monstrous mass from his
mistress's arm.  The command had already been sent, though.  

Mistress'

Halfway to her, Kuronuma was intercepted by the grim, silent
figure of Tatewaki Kuno.  

    The binding had been difficult.  Terribly difficult.  To
Yamiko, and to her.  He had fought hard.  But now he was theirs;
what she held within her robes guaranteed that.

*Ahem* But we won't go into what *that* is.... :)

Take a guess.  :)

    As Fuhaiko came down, Yoko threw her arms up.  A towering
pillar of black flame exploded around her, narrowly missing the 
gaunt woman.  Fuhaiko's hands were wreathed in light the sickly 

light, the

yellow-green of a festered wound.  She lashed out, and
Yoko stepped back.  Perhaps she'd be able to fight off the
effects of the carrion-mistress's touch, but she wasn't going to

carrion-mistress'

My English teacher says differently.  Either form is correct, I believe.

    "Mother's calling, Nabiki," Kasumi said.  Her smile was
beautiful in the darkness.  "We have to her.

Missing word.

Two missing words, actually.  It was late.  I was tired.

    In her hand, she held the embodiment of that.  A focus of
will, of hundreds of years of codified laws.  In the minds of 
tens of millions of people, she did own this land.  It was hers 
to do with as she wanted.

Clever way for her to go about this....

It's a similiar principal for a lot of magic; to control an image or
representation of something (a voodoo doll, a piece of clothing) is to
control the actual object.

Nicely done, with some good character development. This series is
getting more suspenseful by the chapter; can't wait to see what happens
next.

Have to wait longer than usual, I'm afraid.  I'll be off for the March
Break from this Sunday until next Monday, with no access to the Net or a
computer.  :)

Thanks for the comments, Gary.  Even if it wasn't a 3k spamfic.  :)

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum