Oh, good. I was thinking about emailing you to ask how this was coming along.
Comments and criticism (especially criticism) welcome.
Your wish is my command. :) All C&C strictly my opinion.
If you want to improve my C&C skills, please C&C my C&C by telling me what
helped, what was annoying, what really messed you up, and so forth. I'm
sending this because I like this story, and I really appreciated it when
people did this for mine, but I know I could be better at it.
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Ranma 1/2 "The Nature of the Curse"
Hard Battle Story by Douglas MacDougall
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Originally posted 11 Mar 1999.
The latest parts and revisions of this story are available at:
http://www.crosswinds.net/boston/~dougmacd/works.html
Not Rated. Parental Guidance Suggested.
{Dunno about YOUR parents, but I haven't even TRIED to explain Ranma 1/2 to
mine... :) }
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Part 9 Encyclopedia Jusenkyo: A Living Thesis
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Only, after their first meeting, she hadn't seem him again. He had
seen
Smiling, she turned around to see Akira walk into class, holding his
jacket away from his body. It, his shirt, and a the top of his pants were all
and the top
dripping wet. As least his wrist had healed; it was no longer in a sling.
He plopped his book bag on the table, and draped his jacket over the back
of his chair. Muttering under his breath, Akira had missed the look from
{Tenses; suggest}
Muttering under his breath, Akira missed the look
{or}
While muttering under his breath, Akira had missed the look
Nabiki and the intense stare from Kuno.
"Upperclassman Kuno!" Akira visibly shrank as the other boy approached.
Actually, seeing them together, she thought Akira might be the taller of the
two. It was hard to tell with the current bend in Akira's spine.
{Cute. Very cute. :) }
"Yes, sir." He pulled a slip out of his book bag and walked up to the
teacher in the front of the class. Professor Chokai glanced at the sheet and
placed in down next to his supplies.
placed it down
{reads a bit clumsily. Suggest "placed it on the table" or "put it down".}
"Very well, Mr. Tsu. But that doesn't excuse your current condition.
You're expected to come to school well-groomed and properly dressed. I won't
have this class turn into another 1-F."
Nabiki smirked at the teacher's reference to Ranma and Akane's homeroom.
No doubt that would be a nightmare for any teacher. Even Prof. Chokai. He
had been specifically assigned by the Vice Principal to deal with Takewaki
Kuno, and was perhaps the most strong-willed teacher at Furinkan.
{Nice reference to Hinako-sensei's Chaos Central, and logical extrapolation
from Kuno's known habits. I like this. Why the vice principal, though? I'd
have expected palm-tree-head to make such assignments, since Tatewaki's his
son...}
"What the hell is soup-bread?" Akira stared at the sealed plastic bag
containing a soggy roll, leaking some sort of yellowy-green fluid.
{"No, wait, there's no such thing." :) }
"Yes. I still had the sling then, plus I was trying to carry Xian-Pu
home, so I had real problems even though I managed to find an umbrella. By
the time I arrived home I was soaking wet."
"Weren't you staying at the hotel, then?"
hotel then?" {"then" meaning "at that time", yes?}
"Didn't they have shampoo in your room? Or the hotel lobby?"
"Excuse me?"
"Why on earth did you walk outside in that weather just to buy some
shampoo? You have some sort of favorite Chinese brand, or something?"
Akira gave her a weird look. "Buy Xian-Pu?"
"Yeah. You said you carried shampoo home."
"Yes. Back to the Cat Cafe."
"Back to-- Wait, you mean Ranma's fiancee Shampoo?"
{chortle. Nabiki's usually not this clueless, but it was worth it for
this exchange. Classic vaudeville.}
"Whatever! Just help me!"
"How about..." Nabiki paused, as if thinking, before naming exactly what
she wanted. "A packet of Instant Spring of Drowned Man?"
"Spring.. of... Drowned... MAN..." Kuno's smoldering turned into full-
fledged flames. Pretty impressive flames, too.
{Um... sudden image of Kuno the Burning Parrot, but it's not clear to me
what's going on here. Why's he repeating Nabiki, and why the emphasis?
Is the concept of Jusenkyo beginning to percolate though inches of bone?}
"What?" Now Akira did risk a look back at Nabiki. "Those things are
worth 37,500 yen!" Involuntarily, she raised her eyebrows in surprise. She
could get a good television set for as much!
"And you've got a dozen of these things in your bag?" the incredulous
bag?" The
words came out of her mouth before the could stop them. That was almost
before she could
half a million yen worth of merchandise!
{Ka-ching! :) Little yen signs appear in Nabiki's eyes, where a normal
anime-girl would get little hearts...}
Akira blinked. "Yeah. Thirteen, actually." He frowned. "How did you
know--?"
Kuno finally snapped, "WILL YOU STOP IGNORING ME?!? Feel the vengeance
of heaven! Divine Retribution!!!" His last words were punctuated by a
crash of lightning just outside. From his ready position, it didn't even take
a second to bring the sword down.
"Sorry, comin' through!" A blue and black blur resolved into Ranma as
it perched temporarily on Kuno's face, and then launched itself back into
motion.
"Ranma! Watch where you're going!" Akane followed a few steps behind.
{Did Akane bounce off Kuno's face too? That'd be cute...}
Nabiki blinked at the passers-by, and watched Akira and Kuno, who were
frozen in place. Kuno was in mid-stroke, and Akira was holding his hands
above his head, trying to fend off the blow. The two held their positions for
five seconds. Ten seconds. "Guys?"
{Applause. I can just see this happening. Poor Kuno.}
"You knocked my lunch off the table. Now what am I going to eat?" She
batted her eyes innocently. Or at least a reasonable approximation thereof.
{She fakes sincerity so well, too. :) }
Akira blinked. A bit of rice fell out of his hair. He sighed, and pulled
out his wallet. Keeping her hand out, she continued to smile, as her placed
the bills in her hand. His training was coming along quite well.
{Akira's a cut above her usual mark, though. It'd be funny if he turns out to
be out of Nabiki's league.}
"Well, yeah! You-- Uh... You. Yuka! Yeah, Yuka has been acting
really weird, the past few days."
Akane frowned at him slightly. "You mean Sayuri?"
Ranma sighed in relief. Nice save! What was he thinking, trying to tell
Akane she was acting funny?
{Ranma's instincts are improving. He rarely used to be able to pull off saves
like that... but the stumbled-out-of-trouble feel is nicely done.}
There were other things, too. Like now. The past couple days she had
couple of days
been eating lunch with him, instead of her friends. Just now they had been
eating outside alone, and when it started to rain, they had come back to the
classroom, rather then eat with everyone else in the cafeteria.
{Suggest using contractions occasionally: she'd, they'd.}
"Perhaps you've heard the expression that 'a girl's hair is her life'?
It's like she's... giving up her life as a girl. Forsaking her femininity, or
something."
{I notice that before this point, we're given Ranma's POV, and after this
point, it's Akane's. This seems necessary the way you've written the scene,
but it can be confusing to some readers.}
Akane was surprised to see Ranma flinch at the remark. "Do you really
think that a girl's hair is her life?"
{Nice. Of course Ranma remembers that. If Akane knew what he was thinking,
the way we know what he's thinking, she'd be feeling pretty mushy about now.}
It was just the curse, she was sure. That was the only thing keeping him
away from her. If he weren't so worried about being 'half-a-man', he would be
able to admit his feelings. Having lived half a day as a boy herself, she
knew that the curse could cause... reactions that had nothing to do with your
sexual preferences. She tried not to blush at the thought, ruthlessly pushing
down the memory.
{Don't do that, Akane, this is important... oh, well, it'll be back. Good
tie-in to earlier events.}
"I just... I mean, if you had your hair long for a reason, then when it
got cut..."
"Don't worry about it Ranma. I got over it a long time ago." She
about it, Ranma.
unconsciously ran her hand up the back of her neck, running her fingers
through her ends of her hair.
"I mean, I think your hair looks better now, but I guess you had a reason
to grow your hair long in the first place..."
"So you like short hair?" she asked mischievously.
"I think it looks cute on you." The words must have slipped out of his
lips without his knowledge, because he instantly started to correct himself.
"Uh, what I mean to say is--"
{Nice slip, good reaction. The whole "hair" conversation works very well for
me. It's something both Ranma and Akane feel strongly about in ways that may
well lead to greater understanding between them, and you've written their
reactions convincingly: skirting around the edge of their feelings, not quite
daring to plunge right in, but not threatened enough to drive the other away.
Applause.}
"Hello there!" Akira poked his head into the doorway of the classroom.
She would rather have stayed alone in the room with Ranma, but she didn't
particularly want to give him the time to finish taking back his complement,
compliment
Akira looked a little offended, "It's just where my parents decided to
offended. "It's
live. They were found there by the villagers and decided to build a house
nearby."
"And none of you got cursed?"
He twitched, "We didn't live IN Jusenkyo; we lived near it."
twitched. "We
Akane grinned. "You'll have to forgive Ranma. He lives next to one
tiny little koi pond, and he manages to fall into it once a day. He can't
imagine someone living near a hundred pools and not falling into at least one
of them." She grinned at her fiance, who looked none too pleased by the
remark. "Anyway, you were saying...?"
{snicker. Nice shot, Akane.}
"Ah, yes. I spent most of my life near Jusenkyo, learning about it and
its history from Pii-Chu. I've decided to write a book about what he's told
me, to serve as a reference to his daughter. I hope to have it published, as
well. I'm titling it the Encyclopedia Jusenkyo.
I'd like to interview curse victims to learn their specific experiences
"I'd {Quote-mark not needed when ending a paragraph within a speech, but IS
needed when starting the next paragraph... or perhaps you know that, and it's
a typo?}
with the springs. I was wondering if you might allow me to write a chapter
about you and your experiences."
And so, while it looked like Ranma was just about to refuse, Akane
And so, when {?}
answered, "Sure! He'd love to!"
Ranma shot her a startled glance, but just shrugged off any objections he
might of had. "OK. Whatever."
might have had.
{I'd expect him to protest a bit more before giving in, but your call.}
"First of all, how did you get cursed?" Akira asked the question eagerly,
holding a pen up to his book.
As Ranma started talking, the boy took notes.
{I think you can cut this last sentence, as it's hard to imagine any other
reason why Akira would be holding a pen at this point, and it breaks the flow.}
"So your father is cursed as well? Shonmaonichan?"
"Uh, yeah. What you said. Spring of Drowned Panda."
"I've got to interview him, as well."
"Whenever you want. It's not he has anything better to do with his time."
{Ouch! Good shot.}
"Excellent. But back to your experiences. What was that like, when you
acquired the curse? The first time you actually transformed?"
Ranma blinked a few times. "I guess I never really though about it
thought
"I finally managed to scramble out of the water, and sucked in the sweet
air. Only my balance was still off and I felt light-headed. And heavy-
chested.
{snicker. Nice turn of phrase. "Sucked in the sweet air" strikes me as a
bit too poetic for Ranma, though.}
So I look down, and there's these," Ranma made a cupping gesture
these." Ranma
at his chest.
Ranma gave him a dirty look. "My body changes; not my mind."
changes, not
"Ok. So what was your reaction when you found out you could change back
{"OK" or "Okay"}
"Really? You didn't immediately know how to use your new body?"
"Nope."
{Ranma and Akira probably have different definitions of "use" here, with
Ranma's criteria being far more stringent. Heh.}
Akira should his head and mumbled to himself. "Amazing." In the minute
shook
"Well he knocked me in."
"Well, he
"You don't feel it was because of a failing on your part? I mean,
couldn't you have dodged the blow?"
Ranma stood up. "What're you trying to say? That it's my own fault I'm
cursed?" Ranma wondered why he was taking the question so personally. It WAS
his old man's fault, but there was just something about blaming it on him that
made him feel guilty, for some reason.
Akira waved him arms, "No, no! I'm just trying to gauge what your
his arms. "No,
{BTW, when does Ranma sit down again? He seems to be sitting at the end...}
"Surely you've done more then that!"
more than that!"
Akane blushed a little, "Well, I mean, he's never been female for a whole
little. "Well,
Ranma grabbed Akane and covered his mouth. "Geez, not so loud, Akane!"
her {I hope. :) }
"So what do you do," repeated Akira. "I mean, I imagine you wouldn't
do?"
want to wear a tampon, what with what would happen if you were to change
back into a guy..." Akira visibly shuddered, as did Ranma. Maybe Akane did,
too.
{Owie owie owie. I sure did...}
"It's always on the same day as Akane and Nabiki's."
Akane's eye started twitching.
{So did mine. Yeep.}
"You'll explain NOW!" Akane
{Verb missing... I hope. :) }
"I guess she was goin' to find out sometime. Better now than when I'm
looking in their box."
{must... suppress... hentai... imagery... (as Freemage-sensei would say.)}
Akane had kept silent, trying to keep her emotions under control. She was
trying to be nicer to Ranma, but after hearing about Ranma feminine hygiene
problems, and his... unique solution, she couldn't help be shocked into old
couldn't help but be
habits of insulting him.
She had been the one to agree to this little question and answer period
for Ranma. It hadn't been his idea, and he was starting to regret it, no
doubt in part due to her reaction. If she, who was supposed to know him well,
called him a pervert, what would stranger reading about him think?
would a stranger reading {or} would strangers reading
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End Part 9 Next Time: "Behind the Invisible Barrier"
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I'm looking forward to it!
The interview with Akira really held my attention. I can't imagine a better
way to pry into the the effects of the curse, and how Ranma feels about it,
and how Akane feels about it... and I can see him spilling the beans that way
to Akira, when anyone else trying that would have gotten nowhere (save
possibly punted into the sky). For once, Ranma's tendency to speak without
thinking may actually do him some good in the long run. This is going to
have major consequences, good, bad, and amusing.
The characterizations worked for me; where you diverged significantly from
"mainstream" manga characterizations, you explained why in the text.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Network Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/ updated 1998Jun04
CSUS hired me to build their network, not to speak for the university.