Greetings, folks.

Well, I posted the teaser for this about two months ago,
and since then Real Life has been tossing curveballs my
way.  That left little time for my writing... hence the delay.

But enough of *that*.  Here is chapter one of American
Vacation.

And yes, in case you were wondering, the idea came
about after a long night of watching anime and movies.  It
ended with back-to-back Ranma eps followed by Nat'l
Lampoon's Vacation (the original).  BAAAD combo to
watch before hitting the sack.  (I had nightmares about
the 'drag the dog' scene with Soun behind the wheel, 
Kasumi acting as copilot, and Genma-panda as the dog!)

Have fun with it, folks.  C&C's welcome.  Unless you think
it should be public, send 'em to me privately, ok? ;)


NOTE: This takes place sometime early in the _Anything 
Goes Martial Arts_ video series, before Ranma starts 
becoming a bit more comfortable with his 'feminine 
side'.  Also note that the characters used in this are 
the property of Rumiko Takahashi and various others 
and that I'm using them without permission.  Sorry.

-=sofaspud=-
sofaspud@ior.com
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud
"Sleep?  Isn't it that totally inadequate substitute 
for caffeine?"
--------------------------------------

-=sofaspud=-
in cahoots with
The Noisy Roommate from Hell
brings you

RANMA 1/2
American Vacation


Chapter One
Stripes on Akane?  Naaah....


   "RANMA SAOTOME!  You get back here right now!"  
Akane dived through the open window, fingers clutching 
at Ranma's shirt as he dodged out the door in his 
attempt to flee.
   "No way!  I'm not doing it!"  With that, Ranma tore 
himself free of Akane's grasp, leaving the girl with 
nothing more than a scrap of his shirt clenched in her 
fist.  He quickly disappeared down the crowded 
sidewalk.  Akane's face flushed with fury as she 
raised her eyes to the sky:
   "RAAAAAANNNNMMMAAAAA!!!!"

   "Crazy tomboy..." Ranma mumbled to himself as he 
examined the rip in his shirt.  His anger was added to 
by the unfamiliar surroundings; America, while pretty 
in spots, just didn't have the friendly, homelike feel 
that Japan held for him.
   Ranma sighed again.  Here he was, stuck in America 
on a stupid 'vacation', meeting stupid people and 
doing stupid things, and that stupid tomboy wanted him 
to... to... AAAAGGGHHH!!!  There was no way he was 
going to become a girl just so he and Akane could get 
in to the movies for half price.  He pounded his fist 
into the ground in frustration, ignoring the small 
crater he left behind.
   "[Problems, son?]"
   Ranma yelped and whirled, fists coming up in an 
instinctive guarding motion before his mind translated 
the words into a language he understood.  Carefully, 
he phrased his reply, hoping that his English was good 
enough to pass.
   "[No problem.]"  He froze in shock as he realized 
what the badge and gun most likely meant.
   The police officer smiled grimly.  "[That's good.  
Then perhaps you can explain to me why you JUST 
PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK!]"
   Ranma gulped nervously.  He hadn't understood half 
of what the policeman had said, but the man was 
angrily indicating the hole in the sidewalk.  He had 
strict orders from everyone, even Kasumi, to not get 
in trouble on this trip.  "[I... not mean to.  
Mistake.]"  <Ranma,> he cursed himself mentally, <you 
are going to learn English if it kills you.  You must 
sound like Shampoo!>
   The police officer glanced at the boy quizzically.  
"[Where ya from, kid?]"
   Ranma barely understood the man, but managed a 
reply.  "[Japan.]"
   The policeman flashed a gap-toothed grin.  "So how 
do you like America?" he said, in fluent Japanese.
   Ranma gaped.  "I-i-it's fine."  A moments pause, 
then he blurted out, "How do you know Japanese?"
   The police officer smiled.  "My wife and I hosted 
several foreign exchange students over the years.  
Most were from Japan, and they taught us their 
language while we taught them ours."  His face grew 
somber.  "I would like to know what is going on, 
though."
   "What do you mean?"
   "You just punched a hole in the sidewalk.  I have 
never even heard of someone who could do that."  He 
looked around.  "Is this for a movie or something?"
   "Ummm..." Ranma was sweating now.  <Oh, man, Akane 
is going to kill me!> he thought.
   "RANMA!  Where've you been?"  Akane was trotting 
towards Ranma, dodging the hurtling traffic as if 
she'd done it every day of her life.  She skidded to a 
halt as she caught sight of the police officer.  
"[Good morning, sir.  Is there a problem?]"
   The police officer blinked.  "[I don't know yet, 
miss.  That's what I'm trying to find out.  You 
wouldn't happen to be one of the movie crew, would 
you?]"
   Akane glanced at Ranma, who was edging away 
carefully.  "Movie crew?  Ranma, what have you done 
this time?"  She turned back to the officer.  "[No, 
sir.  Why?]"
   "[I give up.]"  The police officer sighed.  "[Look, 
kids, I've got a beat here.  Keep your friend out of 
trouble, ok miss?]"
   Akane nodded.  "Hai."
   The police officer leveled one more sharp look at 
Ranma, and then walked off.  "[Right.  Mom always told 
me there'd be days like this.]"

   "Honestly, Ranma!  How is it you manage to get in 
trouble all the time?"
   "Hey, it wasn't my fault!"
   "What do you mean it wasn't your fault?!  You broke 
the sidewalk!"
   "Yeah, well, if you hadn't tried to get me to turn 
into a girl-"
   "So you're blaming this on me?!"
   "What?!"

   "They're at it again."  Nabiki slouched against a 
lamppost across the street, eyeing the proceedings 
with a faint air of boredom.
   "Oh, my."  As usual, Kasumi had a slightly vacant-
yet-worried look on her face.  The vacation had been 
so much fun up until now too...

   "Uncute tomboy!"
   "Pervert!"
   "Hey, I'm not!"
   "Oh yeah?"
   "Yeah!"
   "You're still a dummy!  Dummy!"
   "Tomboy!"
   "Ooooohhhh!" Akane prevented further response from 
Ranma by punching him into the wall.  A loud, echoing 
crack sounded over the din of traffic as a Ranma-
shaped hole was pressed into the unyielding concrete.  
Akane turned away, crossing her arms defiantly.  
"Stupid Ranma.  Why does he always have to be so-"
   "[EXCUSE ME, MISS!]" The booming voice from just 
behind her caused Akane to jump.  One foot slipped as 
she landed, and she found herself windmilling her arms 
for balance as she teetered on the edge of the curb.  
Cars whizzed by, ignoring the flailing girl as she 
started to topple forwards into the busy street.
   "AAAAAAAA-" Akane started to scream, but it was 
choked short, "-AAAhhhhuhh?"  She felt something warm 
grasping her wrist tightly, preventing her from 
falling.  "Thank you," she started to say, but the 
words were barely starting to form when her breath was 
snatched away as the police officer who had caught her 
wrist now forced her facedown onto the sidewalk.  
Akane was too startled to struggle, and was quickly 
cuffed.
   "[You are under arrest.  You have the right to 
remain silent.  You-]"
   Akane lost the rest in the roaring that was 
building up in her head.  <Arrest?> she thought.  
<Under arrest?  I can't be under arrest!>  Her 
thoughts ran wildly in circles.  <What will Kasumi 
say?  What will Father say?!  What will _Ranma_ say?!> 
She began to cry.  Fingers snapping in front of her 
face brought her back to reality.
   "[I said, 'do you understand these rights as I've 
explained them to you?']"
   "H-h-hai." Akane sobbed, more from fear than 
anything else.  She really didn't, but felt that it 
wouldn't be wise to anger the police officer any 
further.


   Ranma's vision remained mostly dark, with patches 
of light and shadow playing tag in his eyes.  <What 
happened?> he thought.
   "[-me?  Can you hear me?]"
   "[Let's get him to the hospital, Joe.  I don't 
think it's broken.]"
   "[Funny, that.  It should be.]"
   "[Watch that sort of stuff, man.]"
   "[Oh, he can't hear us.]"
   "Ranma!  Ranma!"  Sounds of feet running.  <Hey, 
that sounds like - naaahh...>
   "[Watch it!  Joe, watch it!!!]"
   "[Huh?  Oh, sh- ooooff!]"
   "[Run for it!]"
   "Grrr....growr?"
   "AAAAAHHH!!!"  <Good ol' Pop.> Ranma thought to 
himself.  Foggy bits of his brain were starting to 
come back online - he remembered running from Akane, 
he remembered the cop, he remembered Akane talking 
them out of something, then... what?  <Akane probably 
hit me again,> he thought to himself.  <Crazy macho 
chick.>  Sounds of squealing tires, collisions, and 
gunshots jolted his mind back to the present.  His 
vision was still a bit wobbily, but he could make out 
a police car screeching to a halt at the curb beside 
him.  Shakily, Ranma raised his head to get a better 
view of his surroundings.
   "[Shoot it!  Shoot it!]"
   Ranma managed to get one clear glimpse of Genma-
panda disappearing into the park as bullets whanged 
off the gates before a sudden pain in the back of his 
head sent him whirling into unconsciousness again.
   The rookie cop, half out of his seat, paled as he 
looked down at the young black-haired head that he had 
just opened his car door into.  <This is not going to 
look good on my report,> he noted sadly, before 
raising his voice hesitantly: "Um... Sarge?"

   "[Didja see that thing, Joe?]"
   "[Yeah... <gulp>  What was it?]"
   "[I think it was a panda.]"
   "[I thought pandas was smaller than that!]"
   "[I dunno, man.  This city gets weirder every 
day.]"
   "[Tell me about it.  Ready?  One-two-three-lift!]"

   Across the street, Nabiki and Kasumi were both 
frozen in shock.  Events had happened so fast that 
they had had no time to respond, and already Akane had 
been bundled into the back of a police cruiser and 
taken who-knows-where.  More police officers were 
arriving every minute, and it looked as if they were 
preparing to hunt down Genma-panda.  Nabiki was 
startled when she noticed a couple of men lifting 
Ranma into the back of an ambulance.  Quickly, she 
turned to Kasumi.
   "Go get father and wait for us at the hotel, ok?  
Kasumi?"
   "H-h-hai," Kasumi said, eyes wide in fright.  "When 
will you join us?" she asked.
   "As soon as I can."  Nabiki turned, and Kasumi 
missed her parting comment.
   Nabiki was halfway across the street when the 
ambulance roared to life.  She tried to move faster 
across the rain-slicked surface, but the police 
officer in the middle of the street was screaming 
something at her, the cars on the road were all 
honking their horns at her, and some of the drivers 
were leaning out of their windows and yelling as they 
zoomed by.  All in all, it was terribly hard to even 
hear herself think.
   There's no doubt that Nabiki is bright.  But it's a 
good thing she couldn't understand half of what those 
drivers were saying... much less the cop.
   Nabiki finally made it across the street, just in 
time to see the ambulance roar away.  As if by magic, 
a path opened up in front of the ambulance on the 
crowded street... which was made even more crowded by 
the cop cars parked in it and several wrecks where 
people paying too much attention to the situation and 
not enough to the road had piled into each other.
   "Excuse me-" she began, but was unable to finish 
her question.
   As if on cue, the police officers around her 
suddenly roared en masse and charged down the street, 
waving their guns.  Nabiki climbed up on top of the 
rubble from the wall Ranma had been imbedded in to get 
a clearer view.
   Genma.
   Genma-panda was loping down the street after the 
slow-moving ambulance.  The police were chasing, but 
were holding their fire for the moment.  With a less-
than-mighty leap, Genma-panda managed to catch on to 
the back end of the ambulance and clamber aboard.

   Inside the ambulance, Joe looked up as he felt a 
jolt.  "[Hey Scott?  What was that?]"
   "[I dunno,]" Scott replied absently, tapping the 
siren once again to warn the Saab ahead to give way.
   "[Heh... Pothole.]"  Joe shrugged, and turned back 
to his magazine.
   "Zzzz...." Ranma said.  "Zzz... zzz... zzz..."

   "[Keee-rrriiisst!  Alright, guys, move it!  We 
ain't gonna catch that thing on foot.]" Sergeant 
Handley skidded to a halt, holstering his weapon.  
"[Back to the cars.  We'll radio dispatch and they can 
warn the ambulance crew.  Holliday!]"
   "[Yeah, Sarge?]"  A lanky young officer looked up.
   "[Go get some statements from witnesses or 
something.  And take the rookie with you!]"
   "[You got it, Sarge.  C'mon, rookie.]"

   //Dispatch to unit 12... come in unit 12.//
   Scott grabbed the mike.  "[Unit 12 to dispatch.  
Over.]"
   //12, we've been told by the police that you have 
a... *panda*... on board.  Confirm? Over.//
   Scott blinked at the mike.  "[Repeat that last, 
dispatch.  Sounded like you said 'panda'.  Over.]"
   //That's an affirmative, 12.  Police insist that 
you have a panda - repeat, panda - on board.  Over.//
   Scott snorted.  "[Dispatch, I don't know what 
they're talking abo-o-o-H MY GOD!]" Scott yelled in 
terror as a large, furry, black-and-white head 
appeared upside-down at the top of the windshield.

   Back at the dispatch office, the dispatcher on duty 
tore her headset off with a cry of pain.  She turned 
to the police officer hovering over her shoulder.
   "[I think they found it.]"

   Genma-panda stared curiously at the wildly 
gesticulating young man inside the ambulance.  His 
sign read (in Japanese, of course): <Whats the 
matter?>

   In the back of the ambulance, Joe had just a few 
moments to appreciate the sheer volume that Scott put 
into his scream before he was slammed headfirst into 
the back of the passenger-side seat.  Ranma, still 
strapped to his backboard, slid forward and was 
immediately buried in a blizzard of medical supplies 
as everything in the ambulance fell.  Shock-proof 
cabinets, advertised as impervious to sudden changes 
in velocity, proved their marketers wrong as they 
popped open and added to the mess.
   Dazedly shaking his head amidst the rubble, Joe 
could hear the screech of melting rubber as Scott 
stood on the brakes.
   On the front of the ambulance, Genma-panda had time 
to hold up a sign reading: <Oh no.> before inertia 
kicked in and flung him through the air.
   "[RUN FOR IT!]" Scott screamed (again) as he kicked 
open his door and bolted, clawing his way free of the 
seatbelt.  "AAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!"  Rapidly fading 
footfalls and screeching tires from other cars 
emphasized his abrupt departure.
   <What the hell got into him?> Joe wondered, before 
his attention was diverted by an muffled, angry-
sounding voice from beneath the pile of medical 
supplies.  "[Oh crap!  Hang on!]"  Joe began digging 
frantically through the pile.  His effort was rewarded 
within moments, as he cleared the medical supplies off 
the young girls face.
   Young girl?
   Joe looked again.  Yep, a cute young redhead, hair 
absolutely drenched with a burst bag of saline, lay 
strapped to the backboard and was apparently chewing 
him out... although for the life of him, Joe couldn't 
understand a single word she was saying.
   "-where the hell am I this must be akane's fault-"
   "[Now, miss, if you'll just calm do-]"
   "-and who are you calling miss you lousy rotten-"
   "[Lady, please calm down.  You're gonna be all-]"
   "-tter let me out of this thing before I kick-"
   "[QUUUIIIEEEETTTTT!]" Joe screamed, spittle flying 
from his mouth.  Outside, the birds stopped chirping.
   "-and twist it into a - EEP!" Ranma shut up, 
closing her mouth with a snap as the paramedic leaned 
close over her face with a maniacal grin.
   Joe leaned back.  "[That's better.]"  He looked 
around.  "[Hey, am I on candid camera or something?]"
   Ranma glared at the paramedic.  "Let me go!"
   "[I can't understand a word you're saying... but 
your voice is lovely.]"
   Ranma struggled within her bonds.  "LET ME GO!"
   Joe looked down again.  "[You know, you're 
absolutely beautiful when you're angry.  What's your 
name?]"
   Ranma froze.  <Hey, wait a minute!  Did he just...>
   
   <rrrip>  POW!  <crunch>  "Urr...."

   "That felt good." Ranma commented as she undid the 
leg straps.  Joe was slumped against the wall of the 
ambulance, mumbling something about 'pretty lights'.
   "Growr?"  Genma-panda poked his head over the 
drivers seat.  He was missing a few patches of fur and 
looked like he'd had better days.
   "Pop!  How did you get hit with water?  And what 
happened to you?"
   Genma-panda held up his sign.  This one read: 
<Tripped.>  He flipped it: <Crashed.>  He flipped it 
again: <Ow.>
   Ranma only shook her head.  "Whatever.  Look, we 
gotta get back.  Akane's gonna kill us."
   Genma-panda growled and held up another sign: <She 
was arrested.>
   "What?  Akane was arrested?  Oh, man, I just KNOW 
she's gonna blame that on me!  C'mon, we gotta find 
her."  Ranma pushed open the rear doors and jumped 
down, followed by Genma-panda.  The curious crowd that 
had gathered around the ambulance scattered in terror 
as the huge panda waddled out, growling and wheezing 
like a old pickup.  Ranma took a quick look around 
then jerked her head to indicate the park.  "C'mon, 
pop.  We'll take a shortcut."

   //Dispatch to unit 12... come in unit 12... Scott?  
Joe?  I know you can hear me...//



   "[Ok, you bunch.  Ten minutes for phone calls.]"  
The stout police matron glared at the assembled women, 
then stepped away from the door.  Akane hung back as 
the group filed out of the holding cell and towards 
the bank of phones.  Most of them seemed completely at 
ease here and a few even nodded at various officers in 
recognition.  Akane huddled in a corner of the cell, 
arms wrapped around her knees.  When the police matron 
looked in a few minutes later, Akane was still there.
   "[Well, girl?  You got anyone to call?]"
   Akane shook her head.  "[N-n-no.  We are on 
vacation.]"
   The matron blinked.  "[Lemme guess... You're 
Japanese, right?]"
   Akane nodded, pleased.  "Hai!"
   The matron glowered at her.  "[Great.  Just 
great.]"  She leaned back, still filling the doorway, 
and shouted in the direction of the offices:  "[Hey 
Kelly!]"
   A faint reply drifted back.  "[Yeah, whaddya 
want?]"
   "[Handley knows Japanese, don't he?]"
   "[Yeah... but he's busy right now.]"
   "[What's that old fart up to now?  Sleeping?]"
   "[He's chasing a panda around Central Park.]"
   The matron blinked.  <A panda? Whatinhell?>  
"[Well, get him back here!]"
   "[No can do.  Half the force and a dozen guys from 
Animal Control are chasing the bugger.  They just 
called out one of the choppers.]"
   "[Fine.]"  The matron pursed her lips in 
frustration.  She cast a look at Akane again, still 
huddled in the corner.  Sighing, the matron raised her 
voice again: "[Hey Kelly!]"
   "[What is it now, McCrady?]"
   "[Call the Japanese embassy, would ya?  See if they 
can loan us a translator or something.]"
   "[McCrady, you've got to be out of your mind!]"
   "[Just do it, ok?]"
   "[FINE.  Whatever.  YOU explain this to the 
Captain, though.]"  The sound of a slamming door 
punctuated the mans last statement.
   McCrady sighed.  "[Still the same old Kelly.  Ok, 
_ladies_, back into the cell.]"  She looked at Akane 
again.  "[What's your name, hon?]"
   Pleased at being able to fully understand a 
sentence for once, Akane introduced herself.  "[Akane.  
Akane Tendou.]"
   McCrady just shook her head.  "[Akane... right.  
Kinda cute... Hey!  I said time's up, ladies!  Move 
it!]"
   Akane remained huddled in her corner as the other 
women filed back in.  They were all engaged in 
animated conversation, and no one paid any attention 
to the young foreigner.  That suited her fine, as she 
was lost in her thoughts so deeply that it was 
doubtful anybody could have caught her attention 
anyway. She was torn between blaming Ranma for her 
current predicament and hoping he would come and get 
her out.
   With a sob, Akane buried her face in her arms.  <Oh 
Ranma, where are you?!>

   For her part, Ranma would have been quite happy to 
trade places with Akane at the moment.  She and Genma-
panda had been on the run for a long time, trying to 
avoid the police who seemed determined to blast Genma-
panda right out of existence.  Ranma crouched behind 
the bush and examined the cut on her leg.  Superficial 
at most, but painful nonetheless.
   <Stupid flimsy park benches...> Ranma thought.
   "Gwra?"  Genma-panda loomed over Ranma as she 
frantically cast about.
   "Hot water.  We need hot water.  Where?"
   "Growr."  Genma-panda pointed at a small, distant 
outbuilding.  Ranma nodded.
   "Right.  We might find hot water there.  Let's go!"  
With that, she leapt from her hiding spot and took off 
at a run for the outbuilding.  Genma-panda waddled 
after her as best he could.

   //Sky-Eye to search party.  Come in, search 
party.//
   "[Roger that, Sky-Eye.  Whaddya got?  Over.]"
   //Target is chasing a girl through the park.  She's 
heading for the restrooms near Wollman Rink.  Over.//
   "[Roger that, Sky-Eye.  On our way.  Out.]"  
Sergeant Handley clipped his radio back onto his belt, 
checked his sidearm, and took a deep breath.  "[LISTEN 
UP!]"  The half-dozen men nearby all turned to him.  
"[That bear is chasing a girl through the park.  She's 
running for the restrooms near Wollman Rink.  Let's 
move!]"
   With a roar, the police officers (and two animal 
control 'experts') drew their weapons and ran down the 
path.
   The crowd of curious onlookers they had attracted 
were understandably confused:
   "Bear?  Did he say-"
   "Did you hear?  Bears are chasing all the girls -"
   "Rabid bears escaped from the zoo?  Oh my!"
   "Yo, dude.  Hear this chick's runnin' from some 
bears or sumthin... wanna check it out?"


   There seems to be a natural law in effect wherever 
crowds gather.  Some sort of racial telepathy, 
perhaps, unconscious eddies of thought borne on the 
breeze; or maybe just cell phones.  At any rate, 
reporters and news networks have uncanny ways of 
finding out where news is happening.  This effect is 
most prominent in large metropolitan areas, such as 
Seattle, Washington D.C., Los Angeles, and of course, 
New York.
   This helps explain the speed at which reporters 
gather, like vultures to a carcass.  And, like most 
eager reporters, their first victims... er, witnesses, 
need have no real clue as to what's going on, as long 
as they can look distraught and tell a convincing 
story.
   It's amazing how many people in New York can tell a 
convincing story.

----------
Chapter Two coming soon! ;)