On Tue, Mar 09, 1999 at 03:09:08PM -0500, UkyoChan@aol.com wrote:
ok.... this is my first fanfic.......
My first C&C...
I haven't included any spelling/typo corrections... I figure you can use a
spell checker as easily as I can...
My first comment is just a general formating note. The story arrived
without any spacing after punctuation which was rather distracting.
Ryoko looked up from her perch atop the roof. The sun rised slowly
rose
over the country side. The blew and the cherry bloosms danced.
^ wind
She closed her eyes, she thought how lucky she really was.
^^^- change this she to "and" ?
She opened her eyes to find the beautiful orange and yellow sky. She
smiled and looked to her side. Ryo-Ohki lay, sleeping soundly. "We
weren't always this lucky, were we?" She asked the furry creature with a
soft voice. She sighed and looked back up, to her old home as she
remembered the past.
There are a slew of sentences starting with "She" here, consider rewriting
some of them to provide better variety.
*Aboard Sojh*
***
The whole flashback is written in the first person. This feels awkward to
me. First person segments almost always feel awkward to me. IMHO you'd be
better off writing this in the third like everything else.
"Ryoko!" Called Sasami.
c (?)
She was suddenly next to her.
"she" or "her" should be identified. eg "Ryoko was suddenly next to
her."
She had an angry face.
This should probably be melded into one of the other sentences. Perhaps
into the sentence where Sasami is calling.
A sweat drop formed on Ryoko's head. "Sorry Sasami." Ryoko
sighed.
Sasami frowned, "Are you ok Ryoko, you were in your own little world. "
Sasami began feeling her forehead.
I'd almost expect that Sasami would be more surprised by Ryoko's apologizing
then by her spacing out...
"I'm fine Sasami...just lost in thought.
"Oh?" Sasami looked at Ryoko couriously. She blinked and looked agian.
curiously again
Breakfest is getting cold! We've gotta go!" Sasami was once agian her cheery
"
self.
***
Ayeka walked into the room. Ayeka gave an evil glare to the demoness
^^^^^^^^
Try changing the above to "and". Having two sentences starting with "Ayeka"
feels repetitive.
who was smiling evily to the princess. "Ryoko! Get your hands off of Lord
Tenchi!" Ayeka's eyebrow started twitching.
Ryoko laughed at the purple-haired woman.
Ayeka snarled, all of a sudden logs surrounded Ryoko. Ayeka
unleashed her power.
Again, a bit repetitive. Also, doesn't this fight seem to have escalated
too quickly? Especially if this is the OVA universe... (Minagi being from
the manga which is OVA universe.)
Ryoko disappeared and sighed. She really wasen't in the mood for a
fight. She came up behind Ayeka from a distance.
Er... "from a distance"? What do you mean? If they are in the kitchen,
where is distant?
***
Ryoko brought up an energy ball, ready to use it. All of a sudden
she froze. Sweat streamed down her face...
*Love me daddy...*
I can't get used to the past tense first person used in the flash backs.
IMHO if it's going to be a flash back and it's going to be first person then
it should be present tense. The only time I can think of where first person
past tense is appropriate is a diary.
Today I was allowed outside my room. I wandered out. I looked
up to the man who some how got me to belive I was his daughter. I ran to
the man, my arms outstreched. "Daddy! I love you!" I smiled as I ran. A
powerful force hit my body. It was like a thousand knifes throughout my
body. Blood poured out my nose and mouth. I flew backward, hitting the
wall hard. This was the first time he ever striked me. "DON'T EVER DO
struck
THAT AGIAN!" He screamed at me. I started crying. "You got that crap
from my gift!" He took my television, smashing it to a million pieces.
"This was your first practice, do better next time. "He told me sternly.
"I want you to look at your wrist... see those jewels?" The evil man asked
me. I nodded my head slowly. "Thats where your power comes from, use it."
's
***
Nobuyki made his way to work, complaining about the long commune
commute
***
Ryoko sat up quickly. She was once agian sweating. She began to feel
dizzyness overwhelm her. She layed her head in her arms.
lay
***
Mihoshi started yelling, they all looked toward her. She had
changed the T.V. show to.... "KIDS TIME!" Mihoshi yelled, jumping up and
down. "YAY!"
When did Mihoshi get here?
The group got yet another sweat drop and fell backward.
Kiyone's head hit the coffee table with a *thud*
What's Kiyone doing here?
***
Ayeka sat in her room, reading her book quietly.
Sasami walked in the room. She sat down next to Ayeka. "Whatcha
reading?" She asked her older sister.
Ayeka put the book down. "It's a love novel Sasami." She
answered her sister.
"love novel"?
***
"LUNCH IS READY!" Called the small, pink eyed girl.
One by one they came in and all sat down to eat.
"Where were you all day my dear?" Washu asked her daughter.
"my dear"? This feels ooc to me for Washu. Washu is pretty callus in the
OVA's...
"Shouldn't you know!? You read my mind!" Ryoko told her
mother as she turned away.
Washu sighed, "I will not use my link if it bothers you so."
Washu said plainly.
Er... but she wasn't using the link...?
Mihoshi griped Kiyone's arm tightly. "Don't ever leave me agian
Kiyone!" Cried Mihoshi.
Kiyone sighed, trying to use her arm to eat. "You don't need me
ALL the time..."Pleaded Kiyone helplessly.
"YES I DO!!" Mihoshi balled.
Kiyone got a bad headache.
Where did this scene come from? I don't know how either of the characters
got here.
Washu sighed and walked to her lab. She felt very tired and sad.
She was a mix of emontions. She could see all of Ryoko's flashbacks.
It's not like she was trying...It just came to her. She had been there
the whole time. That was what really hurt. She couldn't be there for her
when her daughter needed her. She sighed as she buried herself in her
work.
The bell finially rang. He was now in his last hour. He had been
yelled at for not listening... not that he was listening there either.
There needs to be a better scene transition here. The jumps are too sudden.
Ryoko layed on the couch. "Bored, bored, bored..." Was all she
lay
could say.
***
Ayeka looked out the window in discust. "Poor Tenchi... that
monster woman is always hanging on him... or trys to rape him..." She
sighed and walked out to what she called a disturbance.
Both Mihoshi and Kiyone were sitting at the table. They were very
hungry.
Don't state the hunger explicitly, let it come out through action or speech.
(eg, stomachs growling or complaints).
***
An ellipsis (the indication that there are words omitted) has only three
periods (eg "...").