In response to "Children of an Elder God", Part 5:

I'll just comment on the bits about which I have anything remotely 
useful to say.  All other sections have been wantonly snipped.  On a 
general level, I'd like to state that the writing is technically very 
well done, being easy to read and with several passages which show 
excellent usage of descriptive language.

For a moment, he wondered if he was in Kentucky and
dismissed the thought.  I'm dreaming, he thought.  Of course
it's weird.  Although normally he was alone in his dreams. 

Would someone from Japan really think of Kentucky at this point?  The 
connection would be obscure even in America.

"Just another slaver plying my trade as best I can," 
he said.  "What with the revolt of the slaves in Kled, I've
had to improvise.  Then I hit on the trick of picking up all
these fools who manage to dump themselves around here by
wrecking their own little private dreams."  He shrugged. 
"It's a lot of work, but my buyers seem to value those sort 
of people."

"Tell that to the ones you killed.  And you'd best
hope none of his relatives take it poorly."  The man
laughed.  "But my spells should keep them away until we
reach Dylath-Leen." 

The driver laughed.  "Little girl, what I do is
perfectly legal here.  Slaves have been brought to
Dylath-Leen by this road for millenia.  Millions have been
carried down the Skar, despite the complaints of those
lily-livered cat worshipping fools in Ulthar and Nir.  Take
your stupid horse and go back to Celephais where idiots like
yourself dwell."

I may be mistaken, but it appears that your geography is slightly off.  
While Kled is just north of Dylath-Leen, with Nir, Ulthar, and the Skar 
in between, Celephais is nowhere near there.  In fact, Celephais is on 
an entirely different continent.

"Never!  I am the Red Knight, one of the four
champions of King Kuranes of Celephais, the Knight of
Courage, and I have sworn never to retreat from a fair
battle.  Not that I would call this fair, as one of me is
easily a match for five of you.  Now yield, or I will cast
you naked into the river.  I think the crocodiles get quite
hungry this time of year."  Her voice was familiar to
Shinji, but something about it wasn't quite right.  Although
it might have been just the fact that she was shouting from
a distance.

I think there's a Call of Cthulhu Dreamlands adventure where the Red 
Knight betrays Celephais to Eibon the Black (of Book of Eibon fame).  I 
don't remember the title though.  Anyhow, I'm not sure how useful that 
information is, but perhaps you can find a use for it.

Much to her embarrassment, Asuka suddenly realized
she'd lost her train of thought from thinking about her
classmates instead of the problem she was doing, and her
hand had started to doodle part of the nightmare she had had
the previous night.  Quickly, she erased it, feeling
irritated with herself that she had fallen prey, even in a
dream, to her old fear of...whatever it was.  The thing that
had haunted her dreams for a time when she was a little
child. 

It had a single lidless red eye, and a body of
winged shadow, a formless shape, a crawling mass of black
tendrils, a thousand forms united by one thing, a mocking
voice and a contempt for her.  Okay, two things. 

Asuka's afraid of the Haunter of the Dark?  Whoa.  I hope this is 
expanded on in later episodes.

She noticed Rei's gaze following Shinji as he went
to the board;  she seemed more alert, and a little tense as
if she expected the chalk to suddenly become the next Angel,
which seemed strange since it wasn't her problem to solve. 

As she sat down by a girl named Hikari, the class
president, she kept an eye on Rei as well as watching the
board.  Shinji did a competent job, although he froze up for
a few seconds partway through it, then finished yawning and

  >did the last bit. 

Rei immediately relaxed, looking pleased in a way
that was hard to explain.  Was that a small hint of a smile
Asuka saw?  She wasn't sure at all.  As Shinji returned to
his seat, Rei's impassiveness returned.

I hope (and guess) the theme you are developing here with the growing 
bond between Shinji and Rei is an illustration of both cosmic and 
personal horror.  Cosmic horror in the ultimately pathetic and futile 
nature of human emotion in the face of the alien and malignant nature of 
reality.  Personal horror in the form of betrayal by a loved one and 
watching self/loved one losing their humanity.

Of course, I enjoy Shinji and Rei relationship stuff any how, an opinion 
based in aesthetics and the potential for reciprocity of events leading 
to future tragedy.  So, add a grain of salt to my praise... 

There's something weird about that girl, Asuka
thought. 

Thank you for sharing your grasp of the completely obvious...

"Umm...I've seen a few Godzilla movies,"  Shinji
said.  "And Rei was fighting it too.  She really did most of
the work."  He fidgeted nervously.

Insert your own gratuitous slam on last summer's American Godzilla movie 
here.

"You will obey, or you WILL be sent to play with
your toys like the child you are.  Do not fail me again. 
Dismissed."  He sat down hard. 

You may wish to read the Robert Bloch story "The Shadow from the 
Steeple," as a lens with which to view Gendou Ikari.  The parellel 
between Nyarlathotep as Dr. Ambrose Dexter and the development of the 
atomic bomb with Gendou Ikari and the development of Evangelion should 
be quite informative.

Six charts, each a week apart, were swiftly flipped
past her.  "Note the first four are identical except for the
synchro waves becoming more regular.  But these last
two...since the battle with the Cherubim, there have been
some irregularities here and here."  She pointed to two
spots.  "Hypothalamic activity and...hmm." 

She flipped through two more charts from another
pad.  "And slightly enhanced hormone levels.  Perhaps it's
just a phase of puberty, but it could also be a sign she's
going to start having seizures like subject #34 did.  I will
NOT be pleased if we lose her." 

Neurology information vaguely recalled from high school - the limbic 
system is a series of structures in the brain which are closely tied to 
the production and experience of emotion.  Thus, if Rei has a crush on 
Shinji, Ritsuko would also observe increased activity in the limbic 
region/structures.  However, I might be incorrect, so double checking 
this would be wise.

Prince Shinji kneeled before the throne of his
father, King Gendo of Tokyo-3, who sat on his great basalt
and onyx throne, his gloved fingers pursed to form a
triangle.  "You have done well so far in your twelve labors,
Shinji, but a single task remains before you complete these
tasks and recieve the greatest reward of all." 

I'm almost positive that the phrase "who sat on his great basalt and 
onyx throne," is straight from _Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath_.  But, I 
can't recall who it refers to.
					

Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, Kaji, Maya, Makoto, Touji,
and Kensuke stood to one side, robed in white greek robes,
moving in unison as they asked, "And what reward is that?" 

Interesting that Rei does not appear here, or in fact in any of Shinji's 
dreams.  I assume this is an indication of her tainted nature?

They hurled him into the lake as he screamed, and
the lake rose up and pulled him under.  It suffused him,
leaking in through his pores and sphincters, eating away at
him and replacing him with itself.  He became LCL and it was
him.  And the black fluid became a void, and around him, all
was filled with the idiot flautings of a dozen mindless
tentacled frog-things, which capered and played a dance for
the beings who capered about in a great circle, ringing
something to which he had his back.  The part of him that
was still his 'real' self knew something horrible was there,
but the god Shinji turned to gaze upon its master, giving a
great incoherent cry of soulless joy. 

Court of Azathoth...this is not a good thing.  Will the arrival of this 
on Earth be the equivalent of the Third Impact?

Kensuke nearly drooled.  "You've got to let me come
play it some time!  I started learning German because I got
sick of waiting for someone to translate it into Japanese!" 

Like myself (and undoubtedly others here) and manga...

He ran across the yard and fell to his knees before
Asuka and Hikari, who were eating lunch together.  "You have
to let me come play Invasion of Earth with you!  I'll do
anything!" 

Asuka laughed.  "Sure.  I'd be happy to." 

Isn't this excessively nice/pleasant/gracious for Asuka?  Wouldn't she 
taunt Kensuke a bit before agreeing, at the very least? 

An hour later, she and Kensuke were still going at
it, while most of the others were descending into a drunken
haze.  Shinji and Rei had most of the chips between them for
two reasons.  One, they were the only completely sober
players.  Secondly, Rei had the ultimate poker face. 

Rei, poker face...everyone saw that coming a mile away.  A very old 
joke.

"And Rei...blue...blue...A princess from the kingdom
beneath the sea." 

And, this of course is a reference to Cthulhu's crypt in R'lyeh, and 
Rei's (probable) Deep One taint.  

Great work.  An excellent series reinventing NGEva along obvious lines 
(if you know Lovecraft, at least).  I hope something here provided 
useful C&C for you (although, I find that highly unlikely, given my 
track record of uselessness).				 

BTW, the animated intro to "Children of an Elder God" on your site is 
excellent.  My congratulations to whoever created it on their skilled 
design.

**********
OFF-TOPIC:
I am in need of help with an concept for a Neon Genesis Evangelion 
fanfic.  The foremost being: �Is this idea worth pursuing?,' followed by 
questions regarding the history of certain characters, Rei Ayanami in 
particular.  Help in this matter would be appreciated from any 
knowledgable person on this list.  Please reply privately.

I repeat, on this matter, do NOT reply to the FFML.
*********

Thank you,	
Chris Nichols


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