HI,
Just a few comments. (all IMO. ^_^)
Very Good overall. Interesting idea. (though a bit confusing for
people like me who've never heard of spells R us. You might expand on
that a bit at the begining) Interesting plot twists. However some of
the characterizations seem a bit cliched (re: Akane/Ranma
"She is also apparently engaged to Ranma, doesn't like him very much,"
and Ukyo's
""NABIKI TENDO! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Akane-neko stared, wide eyed and ears flattened, at
the figure that had just leapt down into the alley.
"For what you and that bimbo have done to
me," Ukyou drew her spatula, "death!"
are more than a little over-blown IMO. This looks like recycling of
stock dialogue and characterization (ie just turn Ukyou into Ryouga)
and detracts from what looks like the begining of a GREAT fanfiction.
My suggestion, for what it's worth ^_^
is to re-think this just a little bit and flesh out the characters,
esp. the non-Nabiki ones :), rather than plug-and-play. Again this
looks like a GOOD begining, well worth spending more time with. Good
Luck
^_^
---metroanime@mindspring.com wrote:
was writing ideas for chapter 2, figured both scenes worked better
if they were added to chapter 1. so JUST the addition is posted here.
"and thank you for your support."
-----------------------------------------
"NABIKI TENDO! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Akane-neko stared, wide eyed and ears flattened, at
the figure that had just leapt down into the alley.
"For what you and that bimbo have done to
me," Ukyou drew her spatula, "death!"
"Yeah, right, Kuonji." Nabiki felt a little better
flanked by Ryouga and Shampoo. "You're the one who
used oil, electric heating devices, and that tempura mixed
with gunpowder crap! It's your OWN fault that it blew up
in your face when you tried to hit me with that stuff."
Her face swathed in bandages, and still wearing
her boy disguise, Ukyou screamed in rage at the three
confronting her. "My fault?! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE
DONE!" She ripped the bandages away in a sweeping
gesture.
"Pah! Is nothing. Hair grow back eventually
in most places. Doctors in Japan know how fix scars."
Nabiki was looking a little green. "It doesn't
change that this was YOUR grudge fight, and YOUR quest
for vengeance. YOUR tools and YOUR lack of judgement.
If you hadn't attacked me, you wouldn't have been fighting
me and Shampoo, and you wouldn't have had one of your
own bombs explode in your face."
"I'll get you, Nabiki Tendo! Sooner or later,
you'll pay for this." Ukyou fled.
Nabiki held up a hand to prevent Shampoo
from running after the target.
"You let him go?" Shampoo asked after a
moment. "Why?"
"It's a trap. The Black Rose and the Blue
Thunder, Kodachi and Tatewaki Kuno are nearby. Smell
the air. There's a faint hint of that perfume she wears.
Just another ambush. Though with all three of them
cooperating now, we'll have to be doubly careful."
---------------------------------------
A bell on the door jangled, as a number of people
moved into the cluttered shop.
A black cat led the way, stopping at a rack of candy
and meowing repeatedly.
The next one in was a short haired girl of seventeen,
who moved with a slight limp but otherwise had the typical grace of a
skilled martial artist.
A tether from her hand led to the belt of a confused
looking boy who had a bandana and was carrying an umbrella.
The final member of this group was a purple-haired
Chinese girl who had the expression of a warrior who has just
stepped behind enemy lines.
A man in a bathrobe stepped out of a room in the
back. "Ah, Akane Tendo. So nice to get a return customer.
We don't get many, you know. And you brought your sister
Nabiki, the eternally lost Ryouga Hibiki, and Shampoo of the
Nichieju Chinese Amazons."
"How do you..." Nabiki started then waved it off.
"Let me guess, a spell on the door. Gives you identities and
some basic dossier on those who ring the bell."
The old man adjusted his glasses. "So nice to do
business with someone who doesn't go through the usual
spiel."
"Then you already know we're here to see about
getting cures for curses, the one that this cat picked up
particularly."
"She should have read the fine print on the back."
The wizard shrugged. "We're not responsible for problems
that occur as a result of use or misuse of our products."
Shampoo looked up from where she was examining
the candy rack. "All candies look normal, but little print in
Cantonese on back. Almost need magnifying glass to read."
The wizard shrugged again.
Nabiki didn't waste time threatening a wizard capable
of turning a girl into a cat then rewriting history so that the girl
had never existed. "How much to cure the kitty cat?"
"25,000 yen." The wizard adjusted his glasses again
and looked directly into Nabiki's eyes. "Are you sure you want
to do that, though? Turning her back puts everything back the
way it was."
"MEOW!"
"What's different?" Ryouga blinked.
"The transformation apparently erased from existence
a little sister of mine, apparently named Akane Tendo. Just from
the questions she's asked and reactions she's displayed I can
make a few guesses. May I?" This last was directed to the wizard.
When he nodded, Nabiki continued.
"Akane is apparently the Heir to the Tendo School,
not I. She is also apparently engaged to Ranma, doesn't like him
very much, doesn't like Ryouga at all, and is a fair English
student."
The wizard cleared his throat. "Ryouga sleeps with
Akane in his cursed form as her pet 'P-chan'. Ukyou is NOT
scarred or insane and is seen as one of Ranma's fiancees. Nabiki
never got into music, drawing manga, OR the martial arts. I also
don't have anything labelled 'antidote' but perhaps something
else will approximate what you're looking for?"
========================
next
chapter 2: "like a kid in a candy store."
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