"Richard Lawson" <sterman@uswest.net> wrote:

Coach grunted.  "This is a ten-rounder you're training for, boy.  If you
can escape a knockout in the early rounds, that means you'll have to
last longer than you ever have before.  Do you think Niiyama's going to
lower his head to make it easier for you to hit?"

Using dialog to get plot points across is fine, but you might want to be
a little less obvious about it. I noticed the same thing in the scenes
with the nuns.

Kosaku stared at her for a few seconds, then stammered a greeting.
"M-mother Abbess."

At least he's learned not to call her "nanny." :)

His anger was tempered a little by puzzlement.  That was an underhanded
compliment she had slipped through his defenses.  "Er, thank you."

Um, the life-as-boxing metaphor is nice, but don't overdo it.

Kosaku lifted a glove and waved at the crowd, who gave him scattered
light applause.  There were a lot more people than we was used to.  Most

he

They circled each other warily.  Kiiyama tried a couple of jabs which
Kosaku easily avoided.  Kosaku tried no attacks of his won, and the

Um... what?

round ended.

Kosaku stepped out of the corner, bitterly disappointed.  He simply had
no energy left.  He approached Kiiyama and tried a jab, surprised at
just how slow he was moving.  Kiiyama ducked under it.  Kosaku stepped

slowly

With a violent shove Angela pushed herself away from Mother Abbess.  She
ran across the yard, half-blinded by tears.  Of course she couldn't
stay, she was unworthy, she'd been test and found wanting, and now God

tested

had no use for her.

My gut feeling about this part is that Angela gives in to Mother Abbess'
judgement a little too easily. Wouldn't she ask for more time to
straighten out her feelings, still believing that she could work things
out? Dunno, just my own instinct here, but it just seems to me like she
should be more reluctant to give up her life's calling.

"Is... is that my whole life then?"  Angela wanted to shout, wanted to
scream, but kept her voice quiet.  "To be so dependant on one man that I

dependent

She produced a piece of paper.  "Here.  I've written the address of a
young married couple.  The wife attends services here, and she does
wonderful volunteer work.  Her husband is a chiropractor and a fine
young man himself.

Kasumi and Tofu? (I wonder how the heck the "Kasumi is a Christian"
rumor ever got started....)

He walked down the hallway, stepping over someone sitting against a
door.  He looked around, blinked, then turned.  The door was his own.
The someone was a young woman in a dress that was a little too small for
her.  She had been reading a book but she was looking at him now.
Closely-cropped dark hair, large brown eyes, a beautiful face, a cute
body.

"Akane? You're in the wrong fic."

Anyway, any and all thoughts you have on the story I'd like to know.
I'm not certain I'm happy with the final scene; I think there needs to
be more tension between Kosaku and Chieko/Angela.  Any views you have
I'd love to hear.

I agree with that, and I think the potential is there for it. After all,
she's given up the dream of a lifetime for this guy; most probably,
that's something she can remind him of anytime he doesn't say his
prayers, etc. And while Kosaku is obviously gonna be ecstatic about her
moving in with him, he'll probably feel pretty guilty about her
sacrifice.

All in all, a pretty nice story, and there's enough 1PG background that
it should be accessable to people who haven't read the series. And if
you continue it, you could title the sequel "Chieko and the Man." :-)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics