Oh, heck. 

Here it is . . . 
Sorry, sorry

This is a MST of the MST by Mercutio.  
It's not meant to be informing, or even relevant.  
It's supposed to be worth a chuckle or two.
Perhaps a guffaw. 
Or not.

-Murmur the Fallen



-- Listar MIME Decryption --------------
-- Name   : MSTMST.TXT
-- Decode : from quoted-printable...

[MURMUR: Aloha, and welcome to Pseudo-Evangelical Babylon Theatre 5  4/5.  My regular co-reviewers, Uklesh and Kosh, are out sick today, so we have instead Van Fanel, king of Fanelia
[VAN: This can only end in disaster.
[MURMUR: Err . . . right.  And Paramour, patron diety of relationships gone horribly wrong.
[PARAMOUR: I really should be a major diety, especially in Rumiko Takahashi mangas . . . 
[MURMUR: Today we MST Mercutio's MST of Children of an Elder God 5.
[VAN: We're MSTing a MST?  Why?
[MURMUR: Nothing bettter to do . . .]


Once upon a time, there was a fanfic author.

[MURMUR: Yadda, yadda, yadda.]

LST1/2K: Lunatic Science Theatre 500.

[MURMUR: Oh, yes, quantum mechanics.  Which reminds me, I have to find a copy of "The Tao of Physics" . . . ]

Starring, in no particular order:

Mercutio: Executive Goofball. 

Hikaru Gosunkugi: Executive Assistant to the Goofball.


And now, let the funkiness.....BEGIN!!!!!

[PARAMOUR: Get down, get down.  Get down, get down. 
[MURMUR takes out a trumpet and begins bleating.]

-Begin LST1/2K-

Hikaru: Some of our regular readers (all three of�em) may be 
noticing at this point the absence of one of our teams principal 
MSTers; Mackie Stingray, the technical advisor. He couldn�t be here 
with us today.

Mercutio: <nodding sagely> Anyway, since Mackie is taking a
temporary leave of absence from our happy little crew....�

Hikaru: <muttering> Ever since you went into that catnip-induced
rage and shot him out a photon torpedo tube......

[PARAMOUR: *Pout*  And I liked Mackie.  He was one of my favorites . . .
[MURMUR: Thank you, Kris Overstreet . . .]

Mercutio: We�ve had to bring in another technical advisor.

<Mercutio guestures behind him, revealing a pretty young brown-
haired women wearing a NERV technicians uniform.>

Mercutio: Please say hello to our special guest , Maya Ibuki!!!!

Maya: Konbanwa, minna-san!!!!!! I�m happy to be here.

[MURMUR: Perky, isn't she?
[VAN fails to respond beyond a grunt.  PARAMOUR stares raptly at her.] 

Mercutio: We got Maya up here because we all really respect her
role and her abilities, and because this IS an Eva fic, after all.

Hikaru: I thought it was because she really needed work after EoE,
and you have a thing for spindly virgins in military uniforms.

[PARAMOUR: She wasn't a virgin . . .] 

Maya: Nani?!?!?!?!?

Mercutio: <sweatdropping madly> Agehehehe...... somebody,
start the fic! QUICKLY!!!!

John Biles & Rod M. Present

 Children of an Elder God

 Part 5

 "Wargames"

 -*-

 Misato roared through the streets of Tokyo-3 in her
 car as if all the Angels were chasing her.  Asuka laughed
 with delight while Shinji clung to his seatbelt, shaking.
 "Faster, faster!"  Asuka shouted, while Shinji prayed for
 engine failure.

Mercutio: Where�s Vext when you really need him?

[PARAMOUR: I don't know, but when I find the idiot -and I will- I'm going to take him down faster than the Omega Effect.

 "I'm gonna have to slow down soon, or I'll drive
 right through our apartment building.  I don't think the
 Andersons would like that."  Misato took the corner at about

[MURMUR: Meanwhile, in another Eva derived universe, a certain blue-haired girl (Not Rei) sneezed.  And you should participate more, Van.
[VAN: *Grunt*]

 fifty miles an hour without any trouble, thanks to the
 absence of any traffic.  Shinji, on the other hand, was glad
 he hadn't eaten dinner yet.

 "Where am I going to be staying?"  Asuka asked.

Maya: �We�ve decided that a youth hostel staffed by stern-yet-
fair nuns is the best place to break your spirits, Asuka.�

[MURMUR: Spanky, spanky.]

 "Since your guardian is staying in Germany for now,
 you'll be staying with me and Shinji.  You're not old enough
 to live on your own yet."

Hikaru: You ARE, however, old enough to live with the scantily-
clad drunk woman.

[MURMUR: Somebody has to take care of Misato, after all.]

 Asuka nodded.  "I suppose Rei lives with you too?"

Mercutio: Some days I trouble believing that Rei lives at ALL.

[VAN: HEY!  It's not easy piloting a giant robot, ok??!!]

 Misato shook her head.  "She'd be riding with us in
 that case.  We do have a penguin, though."

 "So she lives with Dr. Akagi?"  Asuka inquired.

 "No, she has her own place,"  Misato said, cutting
 another corner short and beginning to decelerate.  Shinji
 flew forward, thankful his seatbelt held.

 "But she's not any older than I am!"

 "She's very mature for her age,"  Misato said.
 "Shinji's father is her guardian, and he okayed it."

Hikaru: Because, of course, the man who abandoned his own son
in order to begin his plans for world domination is SOOO
qualified to make child care decisions.

[MURMUR: Who better?
[PARAMOUR looks onto the screen, and grins evilly.]

 "She's your sister?"  Asuka asked Shinji; the files
 she'd read hadn't said that.

 "No, no, he's just her...umm...ward?  No, I mean
 she's his ward."  Shinji said.

Mercutio: Yes. We use her to ward against demons, oni,
and flies.

[MURMUR: And she makes for the best life-like sex toy this side of Rysa.  Just ask our most satisfied customers.
[PARAMOUR: (as Gendo) Yes, the Rei is all that I could ask for in a woman: young, emotionally dead, killer bod., young . . .]

"We're not related at ALL."

Mercutio(Shinji): �Well, okay, she�s a clone of my mother, but
that�s IT.�

[VAN: Technically, she's a clone of his mother with Lilith spliced onto her DNA.  Which STILL doesn't make her as twisted as Dilandu.]

 Asuka's hair whipped about as they cut into the
 parking garage, making a 100 degree turn.  After shoving it
 out of her eyes and mouth, she said, "So how big is our
 apartment?  I've got a lot of stuff."

 Shinji looked at Asuka's one suitcase and wondered
 why she was worried.  "It's pretty big, since Misato is a
 big-shot."

Maya: <tries hard to contain her laughter>

[MURMUR: Heh.  That's a bad joke, and you know it.]

 -*-


 Asuka was staring at Pen-pen, not having gotten past
 the living room yet, when the doorbell rang.  Misato said,
 "Shinji, go get the door.  I'll show Asuka her room."

 He opened the door and saw a wall of deliverymen
 with boxes on handcarts going down the hall and around the
 corner.  "Uh...hello?"

Mercutio: �Umm, is this where the AA meeting is?�

[MURMUR: (As Shinji): Boy, have YOU got the wrong place!]

 "We've got some stuff for a Miss Asuka Langely."  He
 looked at the delivery invoice.  "Asuka Soryuu Zeppelin
 Langely."

Hikaru: I�m sorry, all we have here is a Soryuu Asuka Langley
Zeppelin. You must have the wrong apartment. Goodbye.
<SLAM>

[VAN: How about Asuka Soryuu Langley Zeppelin?]

 Shinji's jaw dropped.  "All...that...stuff?"

 Asuka bounded over to the door, took the invoice,
 and signed it.  "That's me!  Bring it all in."

Mercutio: Tote that bale!!!!

[MURMUR: Crack that whip!]

<Snippy>

 "Actually, I left about a third of my stuff back in
 Germany to ship later.  And I finally threw out all my old
 clothing that doesn't fit any more."

 "I don't even own this much stuff, and I'm twice
 your age!"

 "Well, I have a trust fund from my parents, but NERV

[VAN: One of whom went insane and died, and the other never speaks to her.  Though, frankly, in this universe, it makes a lot more sense that Kyoko Zeppelin went insane.]

 has always paid all my expenses and..."  Asuka looked
 slightly embarrassed.  "It didn't look like so much stuff
 back home."

Hikaru: �Well, you can just march yourself back to Germany
and return this stuff, young lady!!! Go on, scoot!!�

 Misato shook her head.  "We're going to have to send
 at least half of this to storage. �

 "But...but...I NEED all this stuff!"

 "And I need to be able to move without tripping on
 all your stuff."  Misato opened one, which was full of
 letters and romance novels.  "Oooh, Melody's Pirate Passion!
 You can keep this box."

 Deflated, Asuka stared at all the boxes.  "How am I
 ever going to decide?"

 "Shinji, you start going through the boxes too;
 that'll be faster.  Anything with clothing, beer, food, or
 good books goes over in that corner."  Misato pointed.
 "Pointless things go over there."  She pointed to the far
 corner.  "Home electronics over there..."

Maya(Misato): And any and all porno goes to my room for
summary inspection.

[PARAMOUR: Why go for porno when you can have the real thing?  Kaji, woman!]

 -*-

 Shinji rode along in the maglev train, ignoring the
 countryside as it zoomed by, lost in his thoughts.  He was
 dreaming and knew it for once;  he had been exhausted after
 helping Asuka move her twelve tons of junk to a storage
 site, and both he and Misato had collapsed as soon as they
 got home.  Asuka had still been up when he passed out in his
 room.

Mercutio: Later that night, Asuka snuck into his room and duct-
taped him to the ceiling as revenge for pawing through all her
stuff.

[VAN: That reminds of the time that Merle did the same thing to Hitomi.  Ah, memories.]

<Section and subsequent MST snipped because, though it probably has some sort of meaning to it, I got bored.  Sue me.>

 Something shook him hard, then harder, and a voice
 tried to whisper something to him.  It was Misato.  He
 shouted.  "Misato!  HELP ME!"

 "Wake up, Shinji!  It's just a dream."

Hikaru: Or..... was it? BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!

[MURMUR, PARAMOUR, AND VAN: (Sim.) BUM, BUM, BUUUUUMMMMM!!!
[MURMUR: Scream.]

 And suddenly it was just a dream, and he was awake,
 his body slick with sweat.  Misato knelt by him, still
 shaking him.

 "I...how did you know I was having a nightmare?"

 "You screamed for help so loudly I'm surprised our
 neighbors haven't come running by now."

Maya(Asuka): �Hey Misato, there�s an angry mob of villagers
outside with pitchforks and torches!�

[PARAMOUR: They're here for the barn raising!]

 The door slid open, and a bleary eyed Asuka stuck
 her head in.  "What the hell is going on?"

 "Shinji had a nightmare,"  Misato said.  "And I
 heard you screaming too."

Maya(Asuka): �I was waxing my legs, okay!!!�

[VAN: Women and their vanities.  I dunno . . . it's all going to go to hell, anyway, so why bother?
[MURMUR: (to PARAMOUR) Geeze, this guy could give Shinji a run in the angsty robot-pilot department.]

 "I was NOT screaming,"  Asuka said.  "I've never
 talked in my sleep or screamed.  Ever."  She tried to come

[MURMUR: Which means that she constantly does scream out in her sleep.]

 in and banged her head on the doorframe instead.  "Ugh."

 "Nothing wrong with having a nightmare,"  Misato
 said.  "I once dreamed I was in world with no beer."  She
 shuddered.  "It was horrible.  I had to drink water.  Flat
 water."

 Shinji wondered how water could go flat.

Maya: It IS technically possible. If you distill water to the point that
there�s no excess chemicals in it all, just perfectly pure water, not
only will it go flat, it�ll taste pretty bad as well.

[MURMUR: Or you could just leave it in a place where it could go stagnant.]

As Misato began to ramble on, he slowly relaxed.  Her blather was
soothing, and sometimes funny.

Mercutio: Much like our MST.

[MURMUR: And ours as well, hopefully.]

When he finally slipped back into dreams, they were quiet and
pleasant, and utterly  forgotten by the time he got out of bed in
the morning.

 -*-

 "Yeah, we'll be in the same class,"  Shinji said.
 "There's only one class per grade because there's not very
 many people our age in Tokyo-3."

Hikaru: �The annual human sacrifices tend to scare the youngsters
away.�

[PARAMOUR: But they come back for the picnic afterwards.]

 He and Asuka were walking up the hallway to their
 classroom.  She yawned.  "You don't do that every night, do
 you?"

Mercutio: �No. Most nights I just masturbate a little and then go
right to sleep.�

[MURMUR: (as Shinji)Preferably over your comatose body.
[VAN: Urgh.]

 "What?"  He paused, his hand an inch from the
 handle.

 "Scream and wake us all up."

Hikaru: �I could scream and wake you all up in the middle of the
day, if you like.�

[PARAMOUR: (as Asuka) What you should do is go to Rei's and scream.  No one would notice, especially Rei.]

 "No.  Generally my dreams are pretty boring."  He

[MURMUR: Really, really, REALLY boring.  It all involves talking with himself and inspecting his ying-yang or something like that.]

 opened the door and stepped inside, Asuka close behind him.

 "Good.  I hate being woken up in the middle of the
 night."

 Touji and Kensuke waved, and most of the heads
 turned to see who it was.  A second later, Asuka came into
 sight and everyone stared.  "Hey, he's got a girl with him,"
 someone said.

 "A cute girl," someone else said.

Maya: Clearly, the people in this class are masters of observation.

[MURMUR: Well, what do you expect.  All those guys are potential Eva pilots, so NERV must have put toggles in their heads that dull their intelligence or something.  Like the CIA has done to the population of LA.

 "The new Eva Pilot,"  Touji said.

 Kensuke and Touji were over by them in an instant,
 followed a few seconds later by a tide of humanity.
 Asuka smiled and waved and said hello to three dozen people,
 quickly learning their names.

 Shinji, on the other hand, got dragged aside by his
 friends.  "Showing her around the first day?"  Touji asked.

 "Or is it something more?  I saw how she was hanging
 on you yesterday,"  Kensuke said, grinning.

 "It's nothing like that!  We're just living
 together,"  Shinji said.  A second later, he wished he had
 kept his mouth shut.

 "Shinji, you SLY DOG!" roared Touji.

 "You know, she seemed pretty fond of him from the
 start," noted Kensuke, pushing his glasses up.

Mercutio: What IS it with these people and their glasses? Does
NOBODY in Evangelion know to go out and buy a good pair of
nose clips?

[MURMUR: No, no, it's a clue that Kensuke is actually the SEELE plant in their midst that will betray them all to the Deep Shiny Happy Deadly Ones.]

 Asuka clenched a fist, strongly fighting the urge to
 clobber them both this instant.

Mercutio: FIGHTING the urge?

Maya: Who are you and what have you done with Asuka?

[PARAMOUR: I've kidnapped her so that Rei and Shinji could have a relationship that will go hellishly wrong.
[MURMUR: Because, after all, a triangle is the strongest shape.]

 "Idiots!  It's not like
 that!  I was just trying to make Kaji jealous!"

Mercutio: And failing miserably.

[PARAMOUR: Well . . .]

 "You're faster than my uncle,"  Kensuke said.
 "How'd you get her to move in with you?"  He got out a pad
 to take notes.

 "She was ASSIGNED to live with me and Misato."

 "Who?"  Kensuke asked.  "Wait...that woman at the
 docks?"

�Killer body?� said Touji.

Hikaru: At last count, Mistao�s body was responsible for 43 deaths
and several cases of blindness.

[MURMUR: Most deaths were caused by a heart attack, it should be noted.  But the rest were due to traffic accidents.]

 "Er, I guess," said Shinji, embarrassed.

 "Aah!  I envy you!" cried Touji.

 "So, these two always this idiotic?" Asuka whispered
 to Shinji.  He shrugged in reply.

 "I thought you were living with your Dad. Isn't he
 in charge of NERV?"  Kensuke asked.

 "Misato is my commander,"  Shinji said.
 "Father...he...I haven't lived with him since I was five."

Mercutio: EHHHH! Wrong! Yui died in 2004. Gendo ditched 
Shin-boy almost immediatly thereafter. So he�d be three, not 
five.

[VAN: I'm a bit surprised that Shinji would share this much about himself so soon after meeting a person.  Isn't he supposed to be introverted?]

 He stared at the ground, not wanting to think about it.

 "So what is she like?"  Touji asked.

 "Does she walk around the house naked?"  Kensuke
 said.  "I gotta envy you."

[MURMUR: Kensuke and Touji, they are very envious of Shinji.
[VAN: Something about that Touji . . .]

 "Completely irresponsible,"  Shinji said.  "We have
 nothing to drink in our house but beer and..."

Mercutio: �...and I prefer whiskey. More of a head
rush that way, y�know.�

 Touji shook his head.  "I think you're the only guy
 on Earth who would ever complain about that."

Hikaru: What about the Mormons?

[PARAMOUR: They've got their many, many, many wives to complain about instead.  Heh, heh, heh.]

 -*-

 Asuka ate lunch with Hikari, wishing the school had a
 cafeteria with decent food instead of having to eat rice and
 pickled vegetables out of a stupid looking box.  "So what
 does your dad do?" she asked Hikari.

 "He's a labtech on some secret NERV project he can't
 tell us about.  It has to do with genetics, I think.

Maya: �Something about breeding a hideous half-man, half-fish
hybrid to someday wipe us humans from the face of the Earth,
I think it is.�

[MURMUR: A planet where apes evolved from man?]

 Just about everyone in our class has parents working for
 NERV. And if they don't, they're doing some kind of support
 service, like running a grocery store so the NERV people
 have food to eat.  Company town, basically."

Mercutio: Yes, but in most company teams, you DON�T have to
worry about squished by gigantor Old Ones. At least, not on a
regular basis.

[MURMUR: However, most company towns do have to worry about the secret experiments being done in the underground laboratories.]

<Snippy, snippy?>

 -*-

 Physical education was another story from the other
 classes.  Most of the other girls didn't have a chance
 against her; they were doing running today, and she left
 them all behind her.  Well, she left almost all of them
 behind her.  When she turned back from looking at the others
 who were eating her dust, Rei was jogging alongside her,
 barely even breathing hard.

Maya(Rei): �My name is Ayanami Rei. I�m Kid Flash, the fastest
girl alive!!!!!�

[PARAMOUR: (as Rei) I have a brother so apathetic, he would just listen to music while the world ends.  My father barely acknowledges that I was born.]

Mercutio: That was SO bad it was almost funny.

[MURMUR: Such as the comedy stylings of Pauly Shore.]

 Asuka pushed up her speed, and Rei matched it.
 Asuka grinned.  A real challenge.  Such things were rare for
 her.  "Wanna make a bet?"

 Rei blinked and turned her head to look at Asuka,
 but said nothing.

 "The loser has to...to..."

Mercutio: The loser has to embark upon a slowly winding spiral
of emotional self-discovery and despair that will ultimately lead
to their untimely death and/or insanity in combat. Oh wait, you�re
doing that anyway. Never mind.

[MURMUR: Mmm, nope, that's Shinji.]

Asuka racked her brain, trying to think of something appropriate.
She had no idea what would embarrass Rei, or if anything would
embarrass her.

 "We're done,"  Rei said, suddenly stopping, faster
 than Asuka believed possible.

Maya: The air brakes we installed are working, apparently.

[MURMUR: Heh, heh, heh, air brakes.
[VAN: Stop that (whacks MURMUR with a sword)]

 The horde of other female students was closing in,
 but the two of them had completed their circuit of the track
 a good half lap ahead of the others.  The coach said, "Excellent.
 Interested in trying out for our track team?"

[MURMUR: (as Asuka) Well, I'd like to, but I heard that the track was a nexus point between two worlds.  And I just don't feel like getting involved in ANOTHER menage a toi situation.
[VAN: Shut up!]

Hikaru: Soryuu Asuka Langley; heroine, Eva pilot, defender of
humanity, and part-time track team member.

[VAN: Nothing wrong with that.  It could happen.]

 Asuka came back once she managed to stop, started to
 say something, then had her attention caught by the
 spectacle of the boys trying to do pull ups.  They were, to
 put it simply, failing to cover themselves with glory.

Hikaru: Hey, YOU try doing a pull-up with the average teenage
males upper body strength-to-body weight ratio, see how easy it
is for YOU!!!!!

[VAN: Heh.]

 More precisely, most of them were not doing very
 well.  Touji had finished already, and so had two other
 boys, but Kensuke was struggling with his third pull up and
 Shinji was moving at a snail's pace.  Most of the others
 were either flopped out on the ground or likewise putting
 more effort into getting one pull up done than many people
 might have to put into breaking a chair to pieces with their
 bare hands.

Mercutio: Actually, breaking a chair into pieces with your hands
is incredibly easy. Grab, pickup, smash, repeat. Shouldn�t take
much more than a minute.

[MURMUR: I believe what they meant was that they should try to rip it like paper.]

 Hikari came over to Asuka.  "Wow, you're fast!"

 "And they're pathetic," she said, pointing at the
 guys.  "I could do twenty of those in the time they're
 taking to do five.  Not to mention the way Shinji is
 slacking off."

Maya: Shinji wouldn�t know �slack� if it came up and bit him in
the ass.

[MURMUR: No, what Shinji does is vegetate.  Possibly calcify.]

 "What?"  Hikari asked.

 "He's GOT to be better than that.  They wouldn't
 make anyone an EVA pilot if they can't even manage some pull
 ups."

Maya: <blinks> Ummm..... upon what basis do you link together the
doing of pullups and the generation of an AT Field?

[MURMUR: Ok, let's see.  I'm good at connecting two seemingly unconnecting things.  Umm . . . an AT Field is an "Ego Barrier".  Doing pullups means that you're concentrating on yourself to the exclusion of the world (at least that has been my experience), which leads to the strengthening of your AT Field, and makes it easier to deploy your field.  Hmm . . .shaky, but I'm happy with this.]

 She started to walk over towards Shinji.  "I think
 I'll challenge him to a little contest later; 

Maya(Asuka): �Shinji!! You and me, belching contest, right now!!!!�

[MURMUR: No, no, that's Angel Daisy of Wedding Peach fame.]

<Snipperty dido!>

 -*-

 Standing naked in a big metal tube as multiple
 kinds of invisible radiation bombarded him and little
 machines detected everything about him was not Shinji's idea
 of a fun time.

Maya: How can he NOT find that fun? Sometimes me and Sempai
fire up the big metal tube just for kicks.

[MURMUR gets a mental picture, and smiles.]

 He wasn't totally naked; he did have little white
 patches stuck to his body at various points, most of them
 not too embarassing (like his wrists), with wires running
 from them.  Those didn't bother him too much.  It was the
 other ones, the ones he couldn't figure out why they really
 needed to know, that bothered him.

Mercutio: Apparently, Ritsuko is a graduate of the Washu Hakubi
School of Sample Taking.

[MURMUR: Strip 'em nekkid and talk dirty?  Works for me.]

 He could hear Asuka shifting uncomfortably, which
 was a little reassuring.  Rei, on the other hand, could as
 well have been dead as alive.  Finally, he said, "Are we
 done yet?"

 Ritsuko checked off a box on a clipboard.  "Almost.
 I see you've gained two pounds, Shinji.  You may be needing
 more exercise."

 Asuka cracked her knuckles.  "I'll see about that."

 Ever so slightly, Rei's eyes narrowed.

[PARAMOUR: Huzzah!  My influence is showing!]

Hikaru: Three miles away, a duck exploded.

[MURMUR: Howard the Duck has left the world he never made.}

 Shinji tried to figure out why he had said yes when
 Asuka had challenged him to some sort of...actually, he
 wasn't quite sure what she had challenged him to, since she
 had slipped into German when she said it, and he hadn't
 really wanted to know.  He'd only said yes because everyone
 had been egging him on, not that they'd known what he was
 agreeing to either.

Mercutio: Geez, for all he knows he just agreed to become her
personal slave-for-life.

[MURMUR: Crack that Whip!]

"I guess it's probably because Misato
 doesn't have anything healthy to eat."

 Ritsuko nodded.  "I'll tell her to buy you healthy
 food.  How she keeps her figure, I can't understand.

Hikaru: She�s one of three main female cast members in a popular
anime series. A perfect figure is in her contract.

[MURMUR: That and an annoying personality.]

 Although at least she doesn't eat pizza four times a day
 anymore.  I'd get up in the morning and trip on a pizza box
 and nearly bust my head."  She ticked off another box on the
 chart.  "Rei, come with me once you've got some clothing on.
 Asuka, Commander Ikari wishes to speak with you once you get
 dressed.  And Shinji, I believe Maya wanted to talk to you
 about something."  She gave Maya a quizzical look, and Maya
 simply smiled.

Maya: Mweh. Heh. Heh.

Mercutio: This evil laugh brought to you courtesy of Andrew Huang.

 "Okay,"  Shinji said.

 "The synchro rates are up for all of you, which is
 good.  Overall, I'm pretty pleased,"  Ritsuko said, smiling.
 "I shall have to send Dr.  Himmelfarb a copy of your records
 for this test, Asuka.  I believe she'll be pleased too."

Hikaru: Gotta keep those Germans happy, or they�ll try to take
over Europe again.

[MURMUR: And lose again.  If there are two things that Americans like doing, its bashing the Germans and the French.]

<Snipperty doo da, snipperty yay!>

 Asuka boggled.  "WHAT?"  That just wasn't possible.

 "He's got quite a knack,"  Maya said.  "He had to
 fight an Angel the first day of his training."

 Asuka felt her brain beginning to melt.  "He beat
 an Angel with NO training?"

 "Umm...I've seen a few Godzilla movies,"  Shinji

Hikaru: The Fifth Maxim of Anime; all teenagers magically
possess inherent mecha piloting skills.

[VAN: Well, yes, technically it was a "Magic" ability.  But it had its price, too.  Piloting Escaflowne hurt like hell.]

 said.  "And Rei was fighting it too.  She really did most of
 the work."  He fidgeted nervously.

 "We shared the kill,"  Rei said quietly.  "He did
 his best."

 "Anyway, we need to get you all moving,"  Ritsuko
 said.  "Commander Ikari dislikes waiting."

Mercutio: A lesser, more perverted man could find a double
entendre there.

[MURMUR: I resent that comment.  Somewhat.  Heh.]

 "You've got to let us out first,"  Asuka pointed
 out.  Maya laughed.

 -*-

 Gendo looked up at the knock at his door.  "Come in,
 Langely."

Mercutio: �Just walk right over there, and stand on that pentagram.
I�ll get the goat�s blood, and then we can begin.�

Maya&Hikaru: <chanting> �Ia Shub-Niggurath, Ia Shub-Niggurath...�

[MURMUR: Well, this just convinces me that I have to read those Mythos books . . .]

 Asuka came in, wearing her school uniform.  She
 walked over to the desk and saluted.  "Reporting as ordered,
 Commander."

 He blinked, though he continued to frown, and
 briefly saluted back.  "I've called you here to review your
 performance against Amaliel."

 She nodded.  "Yes sir."

 "Are you familiar with the concept of obeying
 orders?"

Maya(Asuka): �I�m familiar with bludgeoning other people to obey
my supreme will, if that�s what you mean, sir.�

[MURMUR: Told you.  Now all we have to do is wait for them to go to Canada, then we'll see some French bashing, but good.]

 "You chose to disobey the orders given you during
 your battle with Amaliel, despite being told multiple times
 to only capture him."  His voice was harsh.

 "He bit my hand off!"

 "You still have two hands."

 Asuka stepped forward, then stopped herself.  "How
 the hell was I supposed to CAPTURE him with only ONE hand?
 And you KNOW what I meant!"

 "A stump can generate an AT-field as well as a
 full hand.  You could still have followed your orders.  Even
 without that, you still could have simply battered him
 unconscious, rather than dismembering him.  They're still
 finding small pieces of him scattered about the docks."

Mercutio: �And the fish are starting to mutate AGAIN.�

 "Easy for you to say when you're sitting behind a
 desk instead of RISKING YOUR LIFE!"

 "I think you rather conclusively demonstrated that
 Amaliel was no real threat to an EVA even when it is piloted
 by an idiot."

 This time Asuka couldn't stop forward.  She lunged
 ahead and pounded both fists on the desk.  "I AM NOT AN
 IDIOT!"

Mercutio(imitating Nixon): I AM NOT AN CROOK!!!!!

[VAN: He's just a hopeless egomaniac who blustered to the point of insanity, according to Henry Kissinger.]

 "You have been training for eight years to pilot
 an EVA.  Shinji made fewer mistakes on his first day, going
 into battle with the first Angel, than you did against what
 will probably be the weakest Angel any of you will face.
 Most importantly, Shinji didn't endanger the future of NERV
 through disobedience.

Hikaru: Give him a few episodes, and he�ll fix THAT.

 We could have learned a lot by
 studying Amaliel, things which might make the difference
 between the survival and destruction of humanity.  I do not
 need petulant children who go berserk when they scrape their
 finger."

 "HE BIT MY HAND OFF!"

 "After you wasted time playing around with him.
 Pointlessly abusing the weak is pathetic.

All: Look who�s talking!!!!

[PARAMOUR: He doesn't POINTLESSLY abuse the weak.  He had a point, a twisted point, but a point nonetheless.]

 I do not want someone piloting EVA who wastes time and
 cannot control themselves.  This is your warning. Do not do
 this again if you wish to pilot EVA.  You can be replaced."

Mercutio: Isn�t that Rei?

[VAN: We can all be replaced.  This can only end in tragedy.]

 She narrowed her eyes.  "I know how hard it is to
 find another pilot.  It could be months or years before you
 find another pilot who can stay sane!"

 He frowned.  "Who told you that?"

Maya: �The strange voices in my head, that�s who!!�

[MURMUR: You hear them too?]

 "Dr. Himmelfarb."

 He reached up and pushed his glasses back up his
 nose.  "And what other classified information did she tell
 you?"

Maya(Asuka): �Just the stuff about your entire master plan. Other
than that, not much.�

[MURMUR: (as Gendo) Oh, you mean how I'm going to sell the souls of all the people in the world for the resusrection of my wife?
[PARAMOUR (as Asuka) Nooooooo, just that you're planning on being a television executive.
[MURMUR: (as Gendo) NO ONE MUST KNOW!]

<Snip.  Yes, this is getting gratuitous, but what are you going to do, eh?>

 Asuka wilted.  "I...it..."

 He leaned forward.  "There is NO room for error!
 This time you got away with your errors because Amaliel was
 truly the Angel of Weakness.  But against one with real
 power, against the ones you will face in the days to come,
 such stupid, petulant, childish behavior will get you
 KILLED.  And it will get Shinji and Rei killed as well.  And
 if we fall, humanity falls.  It will make the Second Impact
 look like a picnic!"

Mercutio: And Gendo lays the smack down on Asuka! Boo-yah!!!

[MURMUR: Lord, slang.  Old slang, too.]

 Asuka stepped back.  "I...I didn't..."

 "You will obey, or you WILL be sent to play with
 your toys like the child you are.  Do not fail me again.
 Dismissed."  He sat down hard.

 She stormed out, cursing to herself in German.

 He watched her go, then shook his head.  "I should
 have taken more care to insure the quality of her
 upbringing, but I never expected Himmelfarb of all people to
 produce someone undisciplined."  He frowned.  "And what else
 does she know that she shouldn't?"

Mercutio: �Dear God, what if she know about my secret mini-fridge?�

[MURMUR: The one with the heads of all his advisors that he talks to at night?  No, wait, that's Cartagian.]

 -*-

 Shinji sat down by Maya, feeling much happier now
 that he had clothing on.  "So what did you want to talk to
 me about?"

 "That story in the newspaper.  Did you see it?"

Mercutio(Shinji): �Yeah, pork prices have risen AGAIN!!! This is
outrageous!!!�

 He blinked.  "There's a lot of stories in the
 newspaper, you know."

 "The one about you and Rei.  Did that bother you?"

 "Not as much as all the teasing I got from it.  I
 dunno how whoever did it even got that picture."  He relaxed
 a little more.  He had been afraid he was going to be chewed
 out or told some bad news.

 "I'm glad you and Rei get along.  She really needs
 a...friend...her own age."

Mercutio: I believe at this point, we�ll MST via MUSIC!!!!!

o//Sometimes I feel like I don�t have a prob-lem, o//
o//Sometimes I feel like my only friend, o//
o//Is the city I live in, o//
o// This city of Angels... o//

 She does make me look like I'm extroverted, Shinji
 thought.  "She's been a lot of help to me, and I'm really
 grateful.  And even though she can be kinda creepy
 sometimes, she's a nice person."

 "Just nice?"  There was a touch of insinuation.

 "Huh?"

Hikaru: Boy, and people say RANMA has no sex drive.

[PARAMOUR: Shinji has a sex-drive, it's just that his is very suprressed.]

<Snip.>

 He sounded irritated for no apparent reason.

 "Yes, sir.  You want me to design one for the
 Children?"

 Commander Ikari pointed to the chair, and Kaji sat.
 "Exactly.  We plan an operation in northern Canada."

Mercutio: �You are to hunt down Chris Davies, and squish him
into teeny-tiny little bits for my personal amusement.�

[MURMUR: (as Gendo) For our private war cannot be contained in but three universes.]

His voice was starting to relax.

 Kaji blinked.  "That's gonna take a damn long
 extension cord."

 "We have battery packs we wish to test.  They're
 just to tide us over until the S^2 engines are ready.  They
 will have a half-hour operating time."  By now, he was all
 business again.

 Kaji frowned.  "That's still not very long."

[VAN: Didn't they have those portable generators?  Ah, they should just use an Energist like I do.]

Mercutio(Gendo): �I know, I�m having elective lengthening
surger- oh wait, you were talking about the EVA�S, weren�t you?�

 "We will have a mobile recharging center, but not
 as mobile as we would like.  That's why we need to plan this
 wargame; they have to learn how to use their power wisely."

Hikaru: Behold, the power of cheese!!!!

 "No berserker rages like at the docks."

 Commander Ikari nodded.  "Exactly.  Against the
 less intelligent Angels, such mistakes can be overcome, but
 they will likely become more cunning as this progresses.  We
 must become more cunning, faster.  How soon can you prepare
 the wargame?"

 "I'll talk to Ritsuko-chan and get right on it."

Maya: Hey! Only _I_ get to call her that! And then only during our
*ahem* �special� experiments really late at night.

[MURMUR: Drool, drool.]

 Commander Ikari blinked, then nodded.  "Good.
 Make it so."

[MURMUR: He immediately whips out a mirror and asks, "Am I going bald?"]

<All>: Engage!!!!

 The race was a dead heat, with each of them
 alternately pulling ahead just a foot or two, then falling
 behind.  He got a substantial five foot lead at one point,
 only to lose it when he crashed clumsily into the wall at
 the far side of the pool while Asuka lithely bounced off it,
 then pulled ahead for a while.  She grinned, finally looking
 more like he was used to seeing her.

Mercutio: So, with the water getting in his eyes AND the fact
that if she�s ahead she�s facing AWAY from him, he can tell that
she�s grinning.

[MURMUR: Actually, Shinji, like most Eva pilots, has the ability to astral project himself.]

 By the time they finished the first lap, Shinji was
 getting into it.  He was doing a lot better than he had been
 doing in physical education today.  Maybe my legs have
 gotten stronger, but not my arms, he thought.  It was
 certainly fun, whatever the reason.

 -*-

 Rei walked down the corridor, heading for the
 elevators so she could leave the Geo-Front and go home.  She
 walked in silence, content to be alone.

Mercutio: <lights up a cigarette>I walk my path alone..... who would
walk with me?

Hikaru: VERRRRRYYYY clever, Mr. Constantine.

[MURMUR: The reason why John "walks alone" is mostly because the only person he HASN'T screw with is mmm Gemma, I think.]

<Snip.  Now I'm just being silly.>

 He saw Asuka clutching her
 head as well, and then his vision faded to black as the pain
 caused by the scream forced him to flee into unconsciousness
 to escape.

 -*-

 Gendo clutched his forehead, his eyes closed, as he
 sat at his desk.

Hikaru(Gendo): �Dammit, Satan, not now! I�m busy, call back
later.�

[PARAMOUR: Heh.]

<Dream sequence snipped again.  Same reason as before.>

<and yet another snip.>

 -*-

 'The Invasion of Earth' was a fairly simple wargame.
 Its creators had simply copied the paranoia that had
 prevailed just after the Second Impact and turned the common
 fear that it was the first step of an alien invasion into a
 game.

Mercutio: Kinda like Area 51 for the twenty-first century?

[MURMUR: And yet another EXODUS comment flies by.]

 Given the current situation, it didn't seem as
 paranoid an idea to either of them as it had in 2002 when it
 came out.

Hikaru: Well, technically, the GOO aren�t really all THAT alien;
they WERE here before us, after all.

[MURMUR: But they didn't originate from Earth, so there.]

 They'd flipped a coin; Shinji was the aliens.  The
 game designers had gotten a little silly, naming the alien
 races after various thinly disguised German noble houses.
 (It was a German game).  The only one Shinji recognized were
 the 'Zopplin' who looked like gondala-less blimps.

 Shinji was winning, although he was sure it was pure
 luck; he'd chosen his strategies mostly on aesthetic
 grounds.  The dice just seemed to love him; he couldn't roll
 less than a ten on two dice if he tried.

Hikaru: I know AD&D players how would sell their souls for that
ability.

 He rolled and actually got a seven, which was the
 worst he had done the whole game.  His pile of four
 'Hindenborgs' died horribly, and Asuka cheered.  "FINALLY!"
 It looked like the Russians had once again turned back an
 invasion.

Mercutio: You know, I can never understand just WHY people
persist in invading Russia.

Hkaru: Yeah. It�s a cold, lonely, and generally unpleasant country.

Maya: Yet for some reason the other Europeans persist in
sending millions of people to their deaths in attempts to conquer
it.

[VAN: It's like a mountain.  You conquer it because it's there.]

 Shinji had made three efforts to take Moscow, but
 had been turned back every time.  However, in the interval,
 he had overrun Africa and the Middle East.  Things weren't
 looking good for Asuka's forces, although Europe and Asia
 still held fast.

 He shrugged.  "There's more Hindenborgs where those
 came from."  He had turned northern Iran into a Hindenborg
 breeding center.

Mercutio: The Ayatollah CAN�T be happy about that.

[MURMUR: But who cares about him anyway?}

 They were tough on attack, but poor on
 defense, and Asuka had beat off the first two waves by
 taking advantage of that.  However, she'd gotten so obsessed
 with it, she kept not noticing his attacks elsewhere until
 it was too late.

 "Not anymore."  She played a 'Nuclear Strike' card
 and blew up the Hindenborg breeding center, flicking the
 counter off the board.  "You know, I'm surprised they
 haven't tried nuking the Angels."

Maya: That�s because nukes are obsolete now. Everybody uses
N2 devices.

 "They did,"  Shinji said.  "The day I arrived in
 Tokyo-3, they nuked the first one, but he got better.
 Akagi-san says it has something to do with them being made
 of material that obeys different physical laws or
 something."  He shrugged.

 "What...so they can't be hurt by Earth stuff?"

 "I guess."  He stared at the board, trying to
 decide what to do next.

 Asuka frowned.  "Then how can an EVA hurt them?
 It's made out of Earth stuff.  Right?"

Mercutio: Suuuuuurrrrrreeeee it is. You just keep on thinking
that.

 "Maybe they used Moon rocks?"  He scratched his
 head.  "Maybe Misato knows."

[MURMUR: So THAT'S the FreeMason's plot, eh??]

 Misato looked up from watching Sazae-san on the
 TV.  "What?"

 "How can EVAs hurt an Angel if a nuke can't?"
 Asuka asked.

Maya: �That�s need to know information, and YOU don�t need
to know.�

 "A nuke CAN hurt an Angel.  The problem is that
 Angels are incredibly hard to kill.  They partly exist in
 another dimension, or some such rot.  You'd have to ask
 Ritsuko for the details.  EVAs can kill them because they
 can generate an AT-field, which disrupts the one that holds
 the Angel together."

 "Like the way the one Rei and I killed kinda
 popped like a bubble once we used our AT-fields on it
 enough."

 Misato nodded, getting up to get a new beer.
 "Exactly.  The difference is that the Angels innately have
 an AT-field, while an EVA makes one with technology."

 "So what is an AT-field?"  Asuka asked.

Maya(Misato): �It�s short for AT&T Field. We�ve harnessed the
unlimited evil of the telephone companies for our own dark
purposes.�

[MURMUR: Much like Largo in UF.  Yes, I'm an Eyrie fanboy . . .]

 Misato opened the fridge.  "Some kinda
 forcefield-like thing.  You could ask Ritsuko, but I dunno
 if you'd understand the answer.  I didn't.  I know what it
 does, and that's enough for me."

 Asuka nodded.  "It's still my turn, right?"

 In the end, the game Earth was assimilated by the
 Hindenborg.  Resistance was futile, much to Asuka's
 displeasure.

Maya: I can just imagine an assimilated Asuka....

Mercutio: �WE ARE BORGYU. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU
WILL BE ASUKA-LATED......�

[ALL: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!]

 -*-

 Gendo looked at Ritsuko's report in his office as
 she sat nearby.  "So the latest test subject got out of
 control."

 "We had gotten as far as an actual plug test.  The
 subject merged with the LCL and began to transform
 into...well, we never found out for sure, since we aborted
 the test."  She frowned.  "Which I was not informed of."

Mercutio: �You got the memo, same as everybody else.�

[MURMUR: I never got the memo . . .]

<Snipperty>

 -*-

 "Did you do the homework for math?"  Touji asked
 Shinji.  Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke were eating lunch
 together.

 "No, I got caught up in this silly wargame with
 Asuka.  'The Invasion of Earth'.  By the time I won, we didn't
 have time to do all our homework.  Misato got mad at us."

 "She's got 'The Invasion of Earth'?"

Mercutio(Shinji): �No, I made the whole thing up just so you
wouldn�t  suspect that I�m really just to lazy to be bothered.�

[MURMUR: I haven't bothered with an excuse in many a year.]

 "Yeah."

 Kensuke nearly drooled.  "You've got to let me come
 play it some time!  I started learning German because I got
 sick of waiting for someone to translate it into Japanese!"

 "It's not mine; you have to ask Asuka,"  Shinji
 said, then shoveled rice into his mouth.

 He ran across the yard and fell to his knees before
 Asuka and Hikari, who were eating lunch together.  "You have
 to let me come play Invasion of Earth with you!  I'll do
 anything!"

Maya(Asuka): �Anything? Okay, put this leather thong and
blindfold on, and meet me at this address on the stroke of
midnight. Oh, and bring some ointment for afterwards.�

[MURMUR: Crack that whip!]

 Hikari said, "Get a grip!  You look like an idiot!"

 Touji nodded.  "She's right, you know."

 Asuka laughed.  "Sure.  I'd be happy to."

 "Woo woo!  I'm in heaven!"

Hikaru: No, that�s not until AFTER Third Impact.

[PARAMOUR: And even then it's ambiguous.]

 -*-

 Shinji answered the door.  "Hi, Kensuke.  Here to
 play with Asuka?"

 "Sounds kinky,"  Misato said from the living room.

Mercutio: Hey hey hey, WE�LL make the amusing comments
around here, thank YOU very much!!!

 Shinji let them in, then yelled for Asuka.  "Hey,
 Asuka, Kensuke's here for the game."

 "I won't lose this time!!"

 "Shinji really beat you?  I thought he made that
 up,"  Kensuke said, grinning.

 "Hey!"  Shinji exclaimed.  "I did win!"

 "The dice cheated in his favor, so I exiled them and
 got some more from another one of my wargames,"  Asuka said,
 putting the game down on the table.  "You don't need this
 for homework, do you, Shinji?"

 "I'm going to practice my cello, so no, I don't need
 it."

Mercutio: Ikari Shinji, UNPLUGGED!!!

 "You play music?"  Touji asked.  "Can you play 'Fly
 Me to the Moon'?"

 Shinji blinked.  "Who composed that?"

 "Umm...Frank Sinatra?"

[MURMUR: I used to know who composed it, but I have since forgotten.  However, it was not the chairman of the board, nor any of the rat pack.]

 "I don't know any non-classical music.  I suppose I
 could try to fake it if you hum it, but...>  
He looked faintly embarrassed.

<Snip.  Sorry.>

 Ritsuko simply smiled, while Misato snorted.
 "Stray cat follow you home, Ritsuko?"

 Kaji looked over at the table.  "Ahh, 'The Invasion
 of Earth'.  A fun game.  It's hard for the humans to win,
 though.  Not very realistic."

Mercutio: And fighting off killer Cherubim and koosh-ball
shaped terrors from beyond time IS?

 Misato snorted again.  "Oh, you think it would be
 easy to throw off an assault by vast alien hordes?  Going to
 criticize my..."

Mercutio: Command form?

Hikaru: Degenerative habits?

Maya: Entire lifestyle?

[PARAMOUR: Yes, yes, and yes.]

 He shook his head and went over, hovering over
 Kensuke.  "Any aliens capable of travelling here in vast
 numbers would have technology that would make N2 bombs look
 like cherry bombs.  And they'd probably have the resources
 of dozens of worlds.  It would be like Monaco versus Russia
 in a war to the death.

Mercutio: Actually, if Monaco bribed the right people, they�d have
a better-than-even chance.

[MURMUR: Remember, fight to the death.
[VAN: Or to the pain.]

<Sigh, snip.>

He blinked.  "What, did you get a psychic message?"

 "Kaji told us."

 "Right.  Come on in."

 Rei trailed a few feet behind the other two.  Makoto
 made a beeline over to Misato, while Maya went over to
 Ritsuko.  "Hi, commander.  Up for a poker game?"

[MURMUR: Heheheheheh, Poker, Poke Her, heheheheheh.]

 "Sure!  I'll crush you both and get my money back I
 lost to...hey, Shinji, lose the cello.  It's time for me to
 win back your big hoard of money."

Mercutio(Shinji): �I�m sorry, Misato, but I already blew it all on
Pachinko.�

 "Uhh..."

 "We're going to teach Rei to play poker,"  Maya
 said.  "I think she'll be a natural."

 Rei didn't look so certain as she frowned slightly.
 "Perhaps."

 "Do you have any money to bet with?"  Misato asked.
 Rei shook her head.  "Shinji, loan her a stake."

Hikaru(Shinji): �Okay!� <whips out a t-bone and hands it to
Rei>

[MURMUR: *Choke*, Good lord.]

<SNIP!>

 "Hey!  We missed two!"  Misato said.  "Kaji, put
 them with the others."

 They were soon herded into Shinji's room.  Touji
 had passed out just a few seconds earlier.  Shinji said,
 "I'm glad this doesn't happen every night."

 "I think I'd better go home."  He forced Touji to
 mostly wake up.  "Have a good night," he said, dragging off
 the half-conscious Touji, which wasn't easy.

 This left the three Children staring at each other.
 "So you play cello, Shinji?"  Asuka asked.  "I play violin.
 How about you?" she asked Rei.

Maya(Rei): �I play bass in Aoba and Hyuuga�s punk band,
�Wyld Stallions�.�

[PARAMOUR: (as Maya) But whenever they see a phone booth, they just hop in there and disappear.
[MURMUR: (as Makoto) Same thing with her and Police Boxes, whatever they are.] 

<ENDING SNIPPED BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.>


Reviewer�s Notes: Man, this thing took FOREVER. I must�ve 
invested at least sixteen hours of effort into this over the past few 
days, which is probably not as long as it took the authors to write 
the bloody thing in the first place.

I apologize for my blatant Canada-bashing. My town was just buried
under the worst snowstorm in eight years that originated from 
Canada, and I�m a little testy. That, and the fact that the Canadians 
are out to get all of us.

[MURMUR: But of course they are.  But we have the CIA on our side . . . mostly, and they're chock full of Nazi goodness!]

If anybody cares, this MST was composed to music provided 
exclusively by Queen, and one song in particular: �Seven Seas of 
Rhye.� If anybody out there is writing either in Eva or in Lovecraft, 
I HIGHLY recomend listening to it; it�s like the whole thing was 
written with one or both series in mind.

[MURMUR: While doing this, we all listened to the "NIGHT AT THE OPERA" album by Queen.  It's spooky how much the Prophet's Song is so relevent.

[MURMUR: Until next Posting, I remain . . .

-Murmur The Fallen]

<Most snips done because I couldn't come up with anything clever to say.>
[Ending stolen from Jim McLaughlin of Wizard Magazine fame.]
[Uklesh and Kosh stolen from J Micheal Stazynski and his wife.]
[Paramour stolen from Keith Griffen]
[Van stolen from those guys that made Escaflowne.]