Subject / Verb agreement:  Asuka is talking about a single person,

ergo the

term should be child, not children.

Actually, I think that 'children' is the authentic term from the
anime...which I have never seen so I could be wrong.

 Shinji just stands there, silent, seemingly oblivious to the

challenge in 

 Asuka's voice. A few seconds in silence passes - Asuka seems to

start to 

 want to say something when Shinji beats her to the punch.

Again, grammaticaly, it should be "Stood there", not stands there. 

Also "A

few seconds passed in silence" flows better than what you have, and

I would

use "Asuka was about to say something" instead of your prhasing. 

and it

should be a singular "beat" instead of 'beats'.

Ummm... The entire fic is in present tense so this s probably acually
correct.

 "Look down there, Asuka." Shinji points down to the many lights

of Tokyo-

 3. "Every one of those lights is at least one person, one person

who 

 depends on us to save them. And, yet... why does it feel that I

can't 

 connect, that I don't see people, only dots of light in the dark."

"pointed" not 'points'

Again, present tense.

<snip>
  

 Asuka will have none of that. "What do you mean, nothing? Are you

calling 

 me self-centered? My God, Ikari, with the way you act, you have

no right 

 to judge me like that."

"Asuka would have none of that", or "Asuka clearly didnt believe

him" work

better than 'will have'.  In fact, Ive realised what is going on

here.  your

trying to use present tense storytelling, when third person fiction

primarily

relies on past tense.  Present tense is commonly used for first

person tales,

not third.  As a rule of thumb, if you stick with  past tenses

though, you

wont go wrong.

Depends. One isn't acually superior to the other, present tense is
just harder to work with...in my experiance, at least.

 "You're right... I'm sorry."

Shuuuure Shinji.  try and stuff that Jinn back in its bottle. Isn't

gonna

happen, brudda.

It's in charachter, tho.
  

 "You're damn right you should be sorry! How dare you pity

yourself for 

 not relating to people, when you don't even want to try! In fact,

you 

 should probably thank me for adding some sense into that stupid,

bleak, 

 grey world of loneliness you seem to want to live in."

Ah, Asuka's normal personality finally arrives home.  I wonder why

it didnt

show up the same time Asuka did.
  

 Asuka looks at Shinji, mentally daring him to make a response.

After a 

 few moments of silence on the 3rd child's part, Asuka is about to

leave 

 in disgust when Shinji suddenly turns his head to Asuka, with a

very 

 slight smile on his face.

again, past tense "looked" instead of 'looks', "was" instead of 'is'

and

'turned' insted of 'turns'

Yes, but he's not USING past tense, so this is correct.
  

 "Thank you."
 
 Asuka stops in her tracks. She seems to think for a moment, then

joins 

 Shinji in leaning on the balcony railing, looking at the stars

overhead 

 and the lights of Tokyo-3.

"stopped" instead of 'stops', "thought" instead of 'seems to think',

and

'joined' instead of 'joins'.

Present tense reminder #4.
  

 "You're welcome."
 
 Finis.

<snip>

The only other really usefull comment that I can add is to repeat

what I noted

earlier.  Those of us from english speaking countries tend to expect

third

person stories to use past tense, not present.  Even first and

second person

storytelling tends to use past tense, since in general you are

describing

something that happened to you or someone else after it has

happened.  The one

place where present tense does work to any degree is in script style

fiction,

where the author is describing the "blocking" or other action, etc...

Expected is not the same as forced, generally is not always. Present
tense is rare, not rejected. I find that it lends a sort of immeiacy
to a story...but that's just me.

Be well.

Nathan Baxter



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