dreiser1@ix.netcom.com wrote:
Obsession
By: Dreiser
I can feel my wings grow weak as I collapse brokenly onto the
street below. A shadow grows over me and I lift my head slightly to
look at the figure hovering above me.
"Mousse," she said. "What happened?"
The use of the pronoun 'she' has no antecedant, as there is no
indication of the speaker's gender or identity previously. Keep the
pronoun neutral at first, then lead into the fact that a girl/woman is
speaking to Mousse.
<snip>
I slowly wake to the sight of weathered abandoned walls and I
immediately know I'm in the Nekohaten. I thought that I had left this
place long ago. The memories here... the thought of them make me
want to break down into tears.
"Well," a low sensual voice drawled. I bristle upon hearing it
and turn my eyes towards the sound of it.
'Drawled' probably isn't the best choice of verbs here. It implies that
the speaker is something of a redneck or un-educated hick.
<snip>
She shrugged at this, feigning like she didn't care about what
everyone knew to be her one true love. "There are other things
besides money."
"Not to you. Even I know that."
"I'm hurt."
My eyes narrow at this. She's playing with me. Just like they
played with me. All of them. I've had enough with being played with.
'enough of'
I'm nobody's toy.
"I'm giving you nothing. I never asked you to save me. It
would have been better if you left me to die on that road. I have
nothing to live for anymore."
She blinks at this. I think I've actually confused her. This is the
first time I've ever seen it. It's sort of amusing to watch actually. Not
comma after 'watch'
<snip>
"She's gone back to China. With Ukyo."
"Ukyo?"
Shock laces her voice and frankly I can't blame her. I would
have never believed it myself if I hadn't seen it myself. When I came
back from my search for the ancient scroll that would help Shampoo
annul her marriage to Ranma, a scroll that never existed I might add, I
comma after 'existed'
found them training together in the mountains with the old ghoul. They
had already been there for several weeks and were planning on leaving
the next day to challenge Ranma. I followed her faithfully as I had
always done but when the time came when she was victorious over
comma after 'done' You have a compound sentence here, and there needs to
be a comma between the component sentences.
Ranma in battle it was not I who held Shampoo in my arms but Ukyo.
comma after 'battle'
If you aren't sure about where to put commas, try reading the sentence
aloud. If you can't do it comfortably without taking a breath, you need
to add a comma somewhere for the necessary pause, or else start a new
sentence.
She ran to Ukyo not me.
Ukyo.
Ukyo.
Ukyo.
"So it's true then."
Her voice snaps me out of my reverie and I lift my gaze to
hers. She looks almost sympathetic. I want to rip the expression off
her face. I don't want sympathy. I never have and I never will.
"What do you mean?"
"I heard that they had gotten... closer but I didn't believe it.
comma after 'closer'
<snip>
"She never loved you. Why do you care?"
My jaw tightens and I snarl at her.
"How dare you say that! Shampoo loved me! I know she did!
This is just a--"
"You're a fool, you know that?"
"What did you--"
"She never loved you. She could barely stand you Mousse.
Comma before 'Mousse.' This is called Direct Address. Whenever a speaker
refers to a person by name, always include a comma before the name.
You stalked her the Kami's sake. You tried to ruin all her chances with
'for the Kami's sake.'
<snip>
"Think about it. Think about all those times she told you to go
away Mousse. Think about it long and hard. Did it really seem like she
was only pretending?"
The images flash before my mind and I can't stop them from
invading. A single phrase echoes in my mind.
Me hate you.
Me hate you.
Me hate you.
After going through the entire manga and a fair amount of anime, I'd
really question Shampoo hating Mousse. Akane screams that she hates
Ranma all the time - when nothing could be further from the truth. It
isn't always clear that Shampoo has strong positive feelings for Mousse,
but I'd never go so far as to suggest that she hates him. I think this
has become yet another fanfic cliche.
Which isn't to say that you can't say Shampoo hates Mousse, but I think
it would deserve a more developed story than what you have presented
here.
<snip>
I smile at this and reaching up I touch her as I was never
allowed to touch Shampoo. She doesn't wilt from my touch but
instead she smiles back.
"Don't waste your love on things. Love is meant for people not
comma after 'people'
unfeeling objects."
She closes her eyes at this and I can feel her tremble. I scoot
up into sitting position and I hesitantly cup her chin in my hands. I say
her name lightly like the breeze.
"Nabiki."
Her eyes open and I can see her as she can see me. We know
what is in our hearts better than the others with their judgments and
accusations. Our eyes are clean.
"Could you love me?"
Whoa! Moving a little fast here, are we, Mousse?
An empty silence fills the air and her shoulders slump.
"I don't know."
She's telling me the truth.
And for once it doesn't hurt.
"Good, because I don't know either."
She smiles at this and I smile in turn. Suddenly the future
doesn't seem quite so bleak after all.
-End-
As a series of vignettes, this might work out a bit more convincingly.
As a stand-alone, I'd say no, the development was too much, too fast. My
advice would be to write a few more vignettes with these two, then tie
them all together with a unifying theme and see what happens.
Jamie
--
"Why are they wearing bras?"
-Rachel Wilde, age 4,
while watching the Dirty
*ahem* Lovely Angels...
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