I have to agree that the first person perspective reads oddly, as if this
had been converted from script to prose with no tense changes.  

I like the basic plot, but I think Asuka calms down too quickly at the
end, although she hadn't really gone to full berserker yet.

John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

Bailesu:  But the plot had so many holes, I could fly the Yamato through
it.