with delight while Shinji clung to his seatbelt, shaking.
 "Faster, faster!"  Asuka shouted, while Shinji prayed for
 engine failure.

Mercutio: Where�s Vext when you really need him?

Bailesu:  Who?

 "I'm gonna have to slow down soon, or I'll drive
 right through our apartment building.  I don't think the
 Andersons would like that."  Misato took the corner at about
 fifty miles an hour without any trouble, thanks to the

 absence of any traffic.  Shinji, on the other hand, was glad

 he hadn't eaten dinner yet.

 "Where am I going to be staying?"  Asuka asked.

Maya: �We�ve decided that a youth hostel staffed by stern-yet-
fair nuns is the best place to break your spirits, Asuka.�

Asuka:  Do they have a Grail shaped beacon?

 Asuka nodded.  "I suppose Rei lives with you too?"

Mercutio: Some days I trouble believing that Rei lives at ALL.

Rei:  [cool, ominous glare at Mercutio]

 Misato finally shoved her way over to Asuka, "Did
 you bring the entire contents of Germany with you?"

Maya: �Of course not!! I left my collection of antique Pith
helmets back in Hamburg!�

Asuka:  And my Panzer collection.

 The man laughed faintly.  "You are what you eat."

 "I don't eat spiders!"  the thought revulsed Shinji,
 though he would have prefered eating a spider to pilot his
 EVA over drinking LCL.

Maya: Oh, the LCL isn�t that bad. I have a big glass every night
before bed.

Asuka:  Which would probably explain why you can't even get a kiss in EoE,
when even SHINJI gets one.  Well, I didn't, but there was no around to
kiss me.  Yeah, that's it.

 The driver laughed.  "Little girl, what I do is
 perfectly legal here.  Slaves have been brought to
 Dylath-Leen by this road for millenia.  Millions have been
 carried down the Skar, despite the complaints of those
 lily-livered cat worshipping fools in Ulthar and Nir.  Take
 your stupid horse and go back to Celephais where idiots like
 yourself dwell."

Mercutio: It would appear we�ve entered the obligatory �drop as
many Lovecraft references as humanly possible� segment.

Driver:  Just discussing the local geography.  

I have seen the monastery of the Priest Who is Not to be
Named and stood in the shadow of the Plateau of Leng."

Hikaru: I hear Leng�s lovely this time of year.

Driver:  No, it's the rainy season until May.

 "You know, she seemed pretty fond of him from the
 start," noted Kensuke, pushing his glasses up.

Mercutio: What IS it with these people and their glasses? Does
NOBODY in Evangelion know to go out and buy a good pair of
nose clips?

Ritsuko:  It's a side effect of Second Impact, which has marginally
increased the effects of gravity on glasses.

 Asuka clenched a fist, strongly fighting the urge to
 clobber them both this instant.

Mercutio: FIGHTING the urge?

Maya: Who are you and what have you done with Asuka?

COAEG Asuka:  Unlike that other wretch, I have some sense of discipline.

Asuka:  WRETCH?  I'll show you wretch!  [chases COAEG Asuka off into the
distance]

 behind her.  When she turned back from looking at the others
 who were eating her dust, Rei was jogging alongside her,
 barely even breathing hard.

Maya(Rei): �My name is Ayanami Rei. I�m Kid Flash, the fastest
girl alive!!!!!�

Rei:  I prefer to go to Cosplays as XS, actually.

 "What?"  Hikari asked.

 "He's GOT to be better than that.  They wouldn't
 make anyone an EVA pilot if they can't even manage some pull
 ups."

Maya: <blinks> Ummm..... upon what basis do you link together the
doing of pullups and the generation of an AT Field?

Asuka:  What use is a physical incompetent ina  giant robot?

 Standing naked in a big metal tube as multiple
 kinds of invisible radiation bombarded him and little
 machines detected everything about him was not Shinji's idea
 of a fun time.

Maya: How can he NOT find that fun? Sometimes me and Sempai
fire up the big metal tube just for kicks.

Misato:  I see Ritsuko still has the 'doctor' fetish, then.

 "After you wasted time playing around with him.
 Pointlessly abusing the weak is pathetic.

All: Look who�s talking!!!!

Ikari:  Are you insinuating something?

 I do not want someone piloting EVA who wastes time and
 cannot control themselves.  This is your warning. Do not do
 this again if you wish to pilot EVA.  You can be replaced."

Mercutio: Isn�t that Rei?

Ikari:  Humans are like interchangable parts, except more obnoxious.

 Commander Ikari pointed to the chair, and Kaji sat.
 "Exactly.  We plan an operation in northern Canada."

Mercutio: �You are to hunt down Chris Davies, and squish him
into teeny-tiny little bits for my personal amusement.�

Ikari:  Sssh, he'll notice!

 Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, Kaji, Maya, Makoto, Touji,
 and Kensuke stood to one side, robed in white greek robes,

Mercutio: This is what, a fraternity hazing?

Bailesu:  Greek Chorus.

 "I'm going to practice my cello, so no, I don't need
 it."

Mercutio: Ikari Shinji, UNPLUGGED!!!

Bailesu:  Now appearing on VH1

 Shinji blinked.  "Oh, she lives by you?"

 "Yes.  Two doors down."

Maya: Hey! As if I�d ever live in that pit she calls her home!!
Dear God, that�s the kind of building that drug houses consider
to be prime real estate.

Ikari:  In the COAEG universe, I did not hire slumlords to design the
housing.  

 The microwave dinged and he extracted two boxes of
 ramen, passing one to her.  "Breakfast for you.  Then you'll
 have to help me wake everyone up."

Maya: Ummmm..... how do you cook ramen in a microwave? That
violates about three different laws of physics.

Bailesu:  [shrugs]  I've seen microwavable ramen.

 "The snow is simulated by Magi and fed into your
 visual perceptions the same way your sensor displays and
 other things not really being seen by your EVA is."  Kaji
 said.  "Originally, I planned to simulate the Angel as well,
 but it ate up too much of MAGI's processing capacity.  If we
 can refine the code, we may do that eventually."

Hikaru: Oh boy, program  the MAGI to simulate virtual angels. Why
don�t you throw open the system and just invite Iruel right on in while
you�re at it?

Ikari:  Geez, give away all my plans.

 "She performed adequately, obeying all orders to the
 best of her ability."

 "Good. Inspector Kaji?"

Hikaru: Kaji�s an Inspector? When did THIS happen?

Kaji:  That's technically my job title in the canon.  Don't ask me what it
means.

Hikaru: Indeed. Rod and John seem to have captured the
Lovecraftian style quite well. Whether or not this is a GOOD
thing remains to be seen.

Bailesu:  Thanks!

Mercutio: Yeah. I also find it weird that in a world where the stakes
seem to be even HIGHER than they were in mainstream Eva, all
three pilots are WAYYYYYY more normal.

Bailesu:  You can fall further from normality than abnormality.  What fun
would a Lovecraft story be where the protagonists were already insane?

Reviewer�s Notes: Man, this thing took FOREVER. I must�ve
invested at least sixteen hours of effort into this over the past few
days, which is probably not as long as it took the authors to write
the bloody thing in the first place.

Bailesu:  It took me more than 16 hours, I think, and I GREATLY appreciate
the effort.  I've done MSTs and I know they're a lot of work.





John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

Bailesu:  But the plot had so many holes, I could fly the Yamato through
it.