"Reverse Psychology"
A Ranma 1/2 Fic
Ranma 1/2 copyrighted by Viz, et. al.
{...} indicate thoughts. No signs or foreign phrases necessary.
********
(The scene opens with a look at the Furkinhan High School. The camera fades into
a classroom, where a teacher is teaching. On the blackboard, the word:
"Psychology" is on the board.)
Teacher: Class, one of the best ways for people to get them to do something is
to not tell them to do it. Typically called "Reverse Psychology," it works in
many ways. Daisuke, can you tell me a way this can happen? (Daisuke stands up.)
Daisuke: Well...if two people love each other, but the parents hate the
match-up, if the parents say, "Don't you ever get married, or I'll tear your
arms off!"...they'll get married.
Teacher: Or if the couple does not want to marry each other. If the parents
insist, the couple will do everything they can to not get married, which drives
the parents to try even harder. Hmm...I wonder if I should get Lum to do
that...(She looks up at the clock.) I was told by the principal, that we are
suppose to let out early today, being a holiday and all. Therefore, there will
be no homework today. Oh, does anyone have a crowbar?
Ranma: Why, sensei?
Teacher: The Principal has locked himself in the teacher's lounge again. (She
sighs.) I do wish they would have put the copier machines somewhere *else.* Oh,
well. Dismissed.
(We switch the scene to the outside of the high school. We see Ranma reading his
Psychology book intensely. Akane comes over and notices him reading.)
Akane: You know, I've never seen you study like this before.
Ranma: Well, the teacher gave me an idea.
Akane: Act like we're in love and gonna get married?
Ranma: Yeah...you've thought of it too?
Akane: If that reverse psychology would work like she said it would. It's the
only thing that could work, since reasoning with Father is definately futile.
Ranma: Futile: Useless, stupid, don't even try it. As in, "Resistance is
Futile." (Akane looks strangely at Ranma.)
Akane: Since when have you studied vocabulary?
Ranma: Kuno's been leaving death threats posted on my locker door. At least I
need to know what he's sayin'.
Akane: Hmm...(Cologne hops on by.)
Cologne: Son-in-law. What are you doing here?
Ranma: I go to school here.
Cologne: I know that, but aren't you suppose to be fighting Mousse for the right
to Shampoo's hand?
Ranma: I would, but I've been thinking of a better idea. Reverse Psychology.
Cologne: Reverse Psychology?
Akane: Reverse Psychology. (Ukyou walks up.)
Ukyou: Is there an echo around here?
Cologne: Son-in-law, may I see your textbook? (Ranma gives the book to Cologne
and she starts to read it.)
Ukyou: Oh, that psychology book. I've been thinking about the same
thing...perhaps if I let Tsubasa date me once, he'll stop pestering me.
Akane: And if we act like we're in love and agree to marriage, then Genma and
Daddy would stop bugging us for a while.
Cologne: Interesting. I believe Shampoo should take a look at this book. Perhaps
by letting Mousse having his wish for a night, then we could satisfy his need
for a while.
Ranma: And then we could seriously talk about marriage.
Cologne: Son-in-law...you mean...
Akane: Of course we are. (Cologne looks suspiciously at Akane, then at Ranma.
Ukyou blinks for a moment.)
Ranma: Elder Cologne, we're not pulling a fast one on you. Frankly, I'm tired of
living in Japan. Everything is too darn expensive, and I'm clusterophobic. Why
do you think I wear Communist or Chinese clothing most of the time, anyway?
(Cologne nods; turns her head to Akane.)
Cologne: Good point. (To Akane) And you?
Akane: You need new blood don't you?
Cologne: Oh, yes. We always need new blood. Is there anything else?
Akane: Well, the Tomboy's Club is looking for a summer retreat sight, and your
village would do just nicely. Maybe the club can become members during the
retreat.
Ukyou: You're in *that* club, Akane?
Ranma: There's more than one? (Cologne whaps Ranma with her stick.)
Akane: Baka.
Ukyou: Served you right, Ranchan.
Cologne: Hmm...let me think about that one. (Cologne turns around, her face
turns pale.) {There's more than one tomboy?}
Ukyou: Tomboy's club, huh? You girls meet...
Akane: In the weight room. (Ranma gets up & holds up his hurting head.)
Ranma: Always watching your figure...(Akane drops a 200 kilo dumb bell on
Ranma's head. He falls on the ground again.)
Akane: Actually, we lift weights. 
Ukyou: You lift weights?
Akane: Yeah, after the meeting, we lift weights for about two hours. Dumbbells,
bar-bells, all sort of complicate weight equipment. It's really great. I can now
benchpress 210 kg. (Akane flexes her muscles, it's quite a considerate amount.
Ukyou gets this mental picture of Akane being as strong as Ryouga...she starts
to big-sweat.) I think once I build myself up to 225 pounds, I wanna get Ryouga
to teach me his break-rock techniques.
Ranma (weakly): Can someone get this dumbbell off of me?
Cologne: Son-in-law, surely you could remove such a small dumbbell.
Ranma (weakly): I can't lift it!
(Akane picks up the dumb-bell, but drops it on his groin. Ranma's eyes grows
really big.)
Ranma (in a very high pitched voice, but still on the floor): Akane! Why did you
do that, you uncute---(Akane picks up the the dumbbell and drops it on his legs.
He screams like a girl.) Okay! Okay! You're cute! You're cute!
Akane (grinning): Good. 
Cologne (blinks a bit): Hmm...Son-in-law will definately have to work on
increasing his strength. Perhaps we can talk about your induction into the
Amazon tribe over dinner tomorrow...on me, of course. (Akane bows.)
Akane: Very well. Ranma, let's go. We've got to plan how we'll get our fathers
to not let us get married. (She removes the dumb-bell from Ranma's legs.)
Ukyou: Hmm...and I've got a date with Tsubasa. (She shuddered.)
Cologne: Be not so fearful, child. It is just one date. It couldn't be that bad.
Ukyou: I hope so.
*******
(Akane walks, carrying Ranma home. He's still wincing in pain.)
Akane: Ranma, if I didn't drop that dumbbell on you like that, Cologne would
never had believed that you were that serious about marrying Shampoo.
Ranma (still in a high-pitched voice): But that hurts! You have no idea what
it's like hitting someone in the...(Akane glares at Ranma.) nevermind.
Akane: Good. Now stop sounding so high. You sound like Tsubasa. (Ranma nods.)
(Akane carries Ranma into Dr. Tofu's office. There's a couple of huge screams
from Ranma. The two walk out, Ranma looks nervously at Akane. Akane smiles as
she looks at Ranma.)
Akane: Now, Ranma, you dis anything about being a tomboy, and I'll make sure
you'll never be a man again. {That assertive training the club made me do really
works! Hmm, I wonder if I can get Kasumi to join...}
Ranma: {Hmm, I wonder if I can get Happousai to insult Akane...}
(As they walk towards the Tendou House, we see Kasumi in the kitchen baking
bread.)
Kasumi: {Oh, my! Akane & Ranma are home! I wonder what fights they've been in.}
(Nabiki is in the living room.)
Nabiki: {Hmm...Kasumi's looking outside, which means Ranma and Akane are home.}
(Kasumi gasps.) {Hmm, another fight.} (She gets up and looks outside. There, she
sees Ranma and Akane...kissing.) Oh, my.
Kasumi: Nabiki, that's my line. (Nabiki hands Kasumi a 100,000 yen bill.)
Nabiki: Still, I'd never seen that before.
Kasumi: Well, there's a first for everything.
(Soun and Genma are playing Monopoly.)
Soun (to the audience): Why are we playing Monopoly?
Genma (to the audiene): They had a Go spot in the game.
Soun: I liked the little doggy, too!
Genma: Well, anyway, you landed on Boardwalk with a hotel. (Genma grins. Soun
starts to big-sweat as he frantically look over his entire deed rack.)
Kasumi: Father! Mr. Saotome! Ranma and Akane are kissing. Deep kissing! Oh, my!
They're taking their clothes off!
Soun: Not in the yard!
Genma: That's my boy! (Nabiki hit him with her camera. He falls over. Then she
slaps her head.)
Nabiki: Nabiki Tendou...why did you do that! You could have made enough money to
leave this family!
Kasumi: That's okay. You'll have a wedding to make a nice profit off of. (Nabiki
nods in agreement. Ranma & Akane finally come in, but naked.)
Soun: Akane! Where are your clothes! (They both look down.)
Akane: Oh, I didn't realize...
Ranma (blushing): Nevermind that. We have an announcement. We've decided to get
married.
Soun: You! Get married!
Kasumi: Oh, my!
Nabiki: Did you really have to tell us that? You've telegraphed it to the whole
neighborhood!
Rest of the neighborhood's voices: And it's about time! (Everyone in the Tendou
Household face-faults.)
*******
(We see Cologne hunched over with Shampoo, over a bowling cauldron. This
conversation is in Chinese.)
Cologne: Alright, Shampoo, do you understand what we're trying to do?
Shampoo: We're trying to get Mousse out of the way by letting satisfy his desire
of screwing me. (Cologne nods.) But I don't understand, why would you permit
this?
Cologne: I am not permitting this, great-granddaughter. I will come and
'discover' that Mousse has made love to you and seeing that you are clearly
pregnant, I'll kill him, as Amazonian Law dictates.
Shampoo: Sex by someone else who clearly not engaged to the girl is classfied as
rape, right, Great-Grandmother?
Cologne: Exactly. And if nothing else my mislabeling the cheeses with all of
those hentai-strength passion spices will do the trick. (Wagging a finger at
Shampoo.) I hope you realize what sacrificing your virginity is worth!
Shampoo: Marriage with airen-Ranma and having violent girl as a strong member of
the Tribe. You actually saw her drop that dumbbell on Ranma?
Cologne: Three times, I saw it with my own eyes. Ranma is serious about marrying
you. I am so happy that our work has finally borne fruit, and perhaps a strong
and healthy child.
Shampoo: Children! I want lots of children! (She sighs. Cologne nods.)
Cologne: Good. (Mousse enters, riding a bike. He puts the bike away. Shampoo
finished tasting the cauldron.)
Cologne: Mousse, Shampoo, I must go to the Chinese Embassy. I've recieved a
message from the tribe. It seems they've found an entire village in America that
wants to join the tribe.
Mousse: An entire village?
Cologne: Yes, they've even named the village after us: Amazonia, Missouri.
Mousse: Missouri...isn't that a river?
Shampoo: Yes, stupid duck, but it's also a state.
Mousse: Oh.
Cologne: Yes, I must go and confer with the Tribe. Sometimes I wonder about
these telecommuniting conferences...
Shampoo: Well, good luck, Great-grandmother!
Cologne: I will be back very, very, very, don't-wait-up-for-me, late. I'll
probably spend the night at the Embassy. (Mousse and Shampoo nod.) Don't do
anything rash, now. (She stares at Mousse.) That goes double for you, Mousse.
(Mousse nods. Cologne leaves.)
Shampoo: Well, I guess that means I can figure out how to get Ranma to love me
tonight. (Mousse shakes his head. Shampoo glares at him.)
Mousse: Hmmpf. (He leaves and goes into the kitchen to eat. He reaches up on the
top of the shelf and gets a huge bottle of wine. We close in on the contents of
the passion spice and we read a warning. "Warning, do not mix passion spice with
alcohol...heaven knows what happens, we've never tried.") Well, I've always
wanted to get drunk, and seeing that I'm not in the mood to convince my sweet
Shampoo to give up this fruitless quest, I'm gonna drink away my sorrows, along
with eating Cologne out of house and home.
Shampoo: Mousse, why do you talk to yourself so much?
Mousse: Oh, it's pointless.
Shampoo (smiling): Now, that we're alone, I was wondering if you would like to
practice with me.
Mousse (looks at Shampoo): Practice?
Shampoo: Your mother called. They've found a woman for you. A nice girl. As you
know, I can not say who the woman is, but I was granted the honor of allowing
you to practice with you. (Music plays that signals of impending doom.)
Mousse: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (He starts to sob.) I-I-I thought I could get
away from my Mother, but no...she finally caught up to me. (He cries. Shampoo
hands him a kleenix. He accepts and blows his nose.) Well, I might as well get
this over with. (He pours all of the liquor he could find into the punch bowl.
Then he rips the top off of all of the cans and dumps all of the passion spices
into the drink.)
Shampoo (thinking): {Oh, oh...Great-grandmother warned me that drinking and
driving one's sex into another is a bad combination...who knows will happen...}
Er, Mousse...you do need to pay attention so that you can please your future
wife well.
Mousse: Hmm, you might be right, but seeing that I can't get you instead of
whomever Mother has selected, I'll take my chances. (And with that, Mousse chugs
the entire punch bowl of spices, alcohol, and whatever else was in there.)
Shampoo (to the audience): Shampoo doomed. (Mousse turns to Shampoo. His eyes
shine, mouth drooling, and he's wearing the same kind of suit & tie that
Beetlejuice wears.)
Mousse: Ittt'ssssssssss Showtime! (Mousse takes Shampoo in his arms and goes to
her bedroom, since he doesn't have one of his own. He drop all of his hidden
arts weapons at the door. Shampoo drops her bonboris. He then rips up his robe,
he's wearing nothing underneath that, and he's very chistled.
Shampoo: Ia ya...
Mousse: Come on, Shampoo, my sweet, time is a wasting! (Shampoo fumbles around
reaching for her buttons. Mousse jumps on Shampoo and rips her clothing, bras,
panties up to shreads. He grabs her and put her on the bed.) That stuff tasted
like Passion Spices...you were trying to get Ranma here to cook you a meal, huh?
Well, that's gonna really backfire! Woohoo!
(Mousse takes his phallus and slams it into Shampoo's pussy. He bangs her
around, it doesn't help that an earthquake occurs while they're having sex.)
Shampoo: Mousssee...please, don't rough me up so hard...
Mousse: Hah! After what you've done in beating me up! Oooh....Ohhh...(he starts
to really grunt.)
Shampoo: Well, don't get me pregnant! Waa...waaiii....aieyaaaaaa (She screams.)
Mousse: I...I...nowwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! (We see the jism splut into Shampoo's
waiting vaginal oriface...the Mutual Orgasm continues. However a door opens, and
Cologne comes in.)
Cologne: I've forgot...Mousse! You have raped my Precious Shampoo!
Shampoo (while screaming): Great-grandmother! Mousse has drunk alcohol along
with the passion spices.
Cologne: Which kind?
Mousse (sounding delusional): Foster's, I believe! (groans) Oh, Shampoo, I can't
believe how huge your pussy is! 
(Cologne gulps. Then she attempts to attack Mousse, but Mousse through the
alcohol induced spices turns around. Shampoo's head hits her bedpost and she's
knocked out cold. Mousse grabs Cologne and breaks her neck faster than Cologne
could do counter it. Then He throws her to the wall, causing her hurling body
becomes an Pollack-like art piece. Mousse then turns around, bumping his head
onto the other post of Shampoo's bed (it's a Canopy bed, if you haven't figured
it out) and slumps on Shampoo and the interlocking couple falls onto the bed.
The scene fades into purple still of the slumped non-couple...)
*******
(We see Ukyou walking over to Tsubasa's house. She's looking at a map, and it
looks like she got it off of Mapquest or some other internet sight.)
Ukyou: Okay, it's just one date. Like that old prune said, it's just one date.
(Ukyou walks up to the front door. She rings the doorbell. A grown man, wearing
a pink dress, opens the door.)
Man: Hello. (He adjusts his tiara.)
Ukyou: Um, I'm wondering if Kurenai Tsubasa is here?
Man: Sure. (screaming in a Scream, the Movie-like voice) Hey, son, there's a
girl here to see you!!! (Ukyou falls over. The man walks outside and leaves.)
Ukyou (as she's getting herself up): {Figures...} (Tsubasa comes in wearing a
two-piece bikini. Ukyou blinks.)
Tsubasa: Ukyou! W-w-wwh...come in! Come in! I hope my father didn't scare you
like that.
Ukyou: Well, actually...
Tsubasa: Don't mind my father. He's just delivering a dress to Calvin Klein.
Ukyou: Calvin Klein?!
Tsubasa: Yeah, he's Mr. Klein's right-hand man.
Ukyou: But he's wearing a dress!
Tsubasa: That is true, but he's actually delivering a hundred million American
dollars in jewelry that's in the dress's bustery region. He's wearing a black
jumpersuit underneath. Besides no one in the pink parts of Tokyo wouldn't notice
anyway.
Ukyou: Pink parts?
Tsubasa: He's gay. (Ukyou blinks.)
Ukyou: So, w-w-why is he married?
Tsubasa: He wanted a son.
Ukyou: Are you gay? (Tsubasa blinks.)
Tsubasa: I-I-I don't know...I've never really lusted after a boy before,
although Konastu is kinda cute.
Ukyou: So why do you keep wearing girl's clothing?
Tsubasa: You try wearing a pair of cotton Fruit-of-the Looms undies all day!
Ukyou: Hmm...don't say that I have. {What the heck am I saying? I'm just here to
ask Tsubasa on a...}
Tsubasa: So, you want to go on a date with me.
Ukyou (her face blanches): Y-y-yeah.
Tsubasa: 'Bout time! That Ranma isn't gonna marry you, you know that and I'm
glad to see you've finally come to your senses. (Ukyou nods.)
Ukyou (faking a tear): H-h-he told me eariler that he was going to announce his
marriage to Akane to his family. He mumbled something about them knocking some
sense into him. (Starts to fake crying. Tsubasa reaches and hugs Ukyou.)
Tsubasa (quietly): Hey, hey, that's okay. (in a louder voice) Maybe that Reverse
Psychology bit failed.
Ukyou (she stops fake-crying): Reverse Psychology?
Tsubasa: Yeah, telling someone to not do something so that he'll actually do it.
Sometimes, however, if the person repeatedily resists doing a command to the
point where they'll do it just so they don't have to hear it anymore. And of
course, one can not tell what one will respond. After all, the reaction to a
reverse psychology bit is that they actually do it. (Ukyou starts to big-sweat.) 
Ukyou: {Oh, no...you don't suppose Soun and Genma would react the wrong way...}
Tsubasa: Well, enough of Ranma. Where would you like to go and...wait. Maybe
this isn't the right place to go. We need to go to my house. (Ukyou looks
strangely at Tsubasa.) What?
Ukyou: Your house?
Tsubasa: Yeah, I have my own private island on the southern end of Japan.
Ukyou: Private island? (She starts to look scared.)
Tsubasa: My parents are very, very rich. I got my own island for my birthday
when I was twelve. It isn't much, but there's a volcano on it giving me more
land every day.
Ukyou: A-a-a tropical island.
Tsubasa: Yeah. It's kinda cool. You'd like it.
Ukyou: You know, why didn't you tell me that you're rich before?
Tsubasa: Because I don't want to marry someone who only wants my money. Of
course, in your case, I'll make an exception.
Ukyou: ....
Tsubasa: In fact, I think that would make a wonderful date.
Ukyou (looking dazed): So...h-how do we get to your 'island?'
Tsubasa: By plane off course. (He looks down at his bikini.) Um, we're gonna
have to change our clothes.
Ukyou: Um, don't you think this is alright.
Tsubasa: Not for my chaffeur. He refuses to drive me anywhere unless I wear
manly outfits. And obviously, I don't have a plane here in the backyard. (We
glance at the backyard. There is no plane, but a submarine is strangely out of
place.)
Ukyou: And what does he consider manly?
Tsubasa: A tuxedo, usually, but he'll accept a suit & tie. I don't know why we
hired a Frenchman for a driver. You'll have to wear one of my dresses. He hates
it that women these days can wear just about anything. (Ukyou looks amazed.)
Ukyou: What did he do before he was a chaffeur?
Tsubasa: I think he was a French Fashion and Film Critic. But, let's go up to my
little closet and get some clothes.
Ukyou: Um, what about my privacy?
Tsubasa: Dear, I've been around models and supermodels dressed, naked, fucked,
drugged, drunk, and then trying to imitate Kate Moss. I can handle seeing you
naked. My body, though, that's another matter.
Ukyou: B-b-but...
Tsubasa: Ukyou Kuonji, I'm going to have to find a dress that meets your height
requirements. You are about as tall as I am. But not quite. Besides, it'll only
be for a while. (Ukyou really starts to cry.) W-wh-what's wrong?
Ukyou (crying): I don't like wearing dresses! (Tsubasa blinks.)
Tsubasa: I'm sorry, but that the way this archaic neathderthal is. At least you
won't have to wear a bra. (Ukyou cries some more. Tsubasa takes her by the hand
and leads her up to her room.)
********
(It's Monday Morning. The teacher is looking at her schedule. She looks up and
there's several students looking very mad at her.)
Teacher: Um...what's the problem, students? You do realize that this is
unbecoming of a student to be mad at one's teacher...
Akane: Ah, shut-up! You and your 'Reverse Psychology' bit...(She holds up a
wedding ring.) It cause Ranma and I to get married!
Shampoo (rolling up in a wheelchair): Reverse book caused Mousse to kill
Great-Grandmother and to get Shampoo pregnant! Shampoo yet to walk!
Ranma (looks like a train wrecked him, he hobbles in on crutches): Yeah, and
that's nothing compared to what Akane did on our wedding night...
Ukyou (showing up in a red dress, pink ribbons in her hair): Yeah, and Tsubasa
proposed to me while naked in his closet! And why didn't anyone tell me he's
worth half a billion yen! A-a-and he made me love wearing a dress!
Teacher: So, sometimes psychology backfires, class. If you had all been awake
Thursday, you would have learned that. If you weren't all punks and tomboys...
Akane, Ranma, Shampoo & Ukyou: WHAT?!
Teacher: You are. You are all improperly trained in social skills and handling
life's difficulties. You couldn't say 'hi' to our Emperor if your lives depended
on it. And certainly, none of you could raise any children...they'd be
miserable!
Akane: B-b-but...the rest of the weekend was terrible! 
Teacher: Well, that is your problem. Besides, I have to go now. Our principal
was mysteriously killed last night and we have to find a new one. I need to go
and send in my resume.
Akane: W-w-what happened?
Teacher: Well, it's a long story...
*********
...so much so that there will be a sequel. I'm blaming this on Gary Kleppe,
watching too much TLC, and watching an operation on female breast reduction
(which is opposed to male breast reduction, which was on next after this).
Sorry. C&C and comments are appreicated. 
---Andrew