Yeah!
Wait, that's not nearly enough.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!!
Sorry, but I had to get that out of my system.
Between work, Windows 95, hard drives with suicide pacts, and school, I
wasn't sure I was _ever_ going to finish this thing...
Samurai Pizza Cats: the Catatonic Saga
by Josh Green
Episode 4
'The Empress' Tea Party'
*****
Disclaimer:
Samurai Pizza Cats is copyrighted by Sotsu Agency, Tatsunoko Production
Co., Ltd., Saban International Services, Inc., and Saban International
N.V., all rights reserved.
Notes:
For other episodes, e-mail me at sort@bucket.ualr.edu or visit my web
site at http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/
* * = sound effects < > = thought
_ _ = emphasis [ ] = actions or descriptions
( ) = author's notes or information
*****
[Scene: the Big Cheese's apartment. Early morning light leaks through
the apartment's window. Jerry Atrick sits at a low table, nursing a cup
of tea.]
Narrator: Welcome once again to "Samurai Pizza Cats: The Catatonic
Saga." When we last left our heroes, they were triumphing of
the forces of darkness and evil. That hasn't changed, of
course, but what has changed-
Jerry: [Rubbing the bridge of his nose.] Do you have to be so loud?
Narrator: I'm the narrator! It's my job to fill in the audience on
current events, using a voice full of vigor!
Jerry: *Sigh.* Can you at least do it somewhere else?
Narrator: No.
[Jerry grumbles, but what he is saying can not be made out.]
Narrator: Now, as I was saying... what has changed-
[Seymour Big Cheese suddenly bursts into the room, causing the door to
slam against the wall.]
Seymour: I have it!
Jerry: [Surprised] Have what? The mumps?
Seymour: [Confused] No, I get an MIRV regularly.
Jerry: I think you mean an MMR.
Seymour: [Frustrated] Never mind. What's important is that I have a
plan that will ensure us victory and I want to implement it
ASPCA!
Jerry: [Puzzled] *Err...*
Narrator: *Ahem.* What has changed-
Seymour: [Excitedly, completely ignoring the Narrator.] We'll start an
ice cream company called Ben & Jerry's, adding secret
ingredients to our products, making them highly addictive.
Then we threaten to stop producing our product, which would
send everyone into withdrawal, unless they turn over Little
Tokyo to our control! *HAHAHAHA!*
Jerry: But your name's not Ben.
[Seymour facefaults, then stands back up.]
Seymour: You're right, it wouldn't work. [Dejectedly sits down next to
Jerry.] I'll never amount to anything.
Jerry: [Patting Seymour on the shoulder.] Don't worry. All you need is
a little TLC.
Narrator: *Grrr...* [Angrily] What has changed-
Seymour: [Suddenly brightens] Oh, I just love their home repair shows!
Jerry: [Pauses.] Perhaps you should call the Mysterious Figure and see
if he has any new items for us to use against the Samurai Pizza
Cats.
Seymour: I would, but I stored his phone number in this. [Pulls a Casio
Wizard from behind his back.] And I don't know how to get it
back.
Jerry: [Taking the palmtop from Seymour.] Don't worry, I'm very good
with PDAs.
Seymour: [Shocked] That's highly inappropriate! I mean, a little
snuggle now and then-
Jerry: [Very hurriedly interrupting] Well, not everyone can be PC
compatible.
Seymour: [Indignant] Are you kidding?! Everyone should respect other
people and their cultures!
[Both Jerry and Seymour look totally baffled after the last line.]
Narrator: What has changed... oh, forget it. I think it's time to end
this scene ASAP. (1)
*****
[Scene: the kitchen of the Samurai Pizza Cats' headquarters. Speedy
Cerviche enters, moving very slowly, and heads toward an automatic
coffee maker.]
Narrator: Early morning is a time of relaxing and enjoying the finer
things in life.
[Speedy pours himself a large cup of steaming coffee and begins walking
toward the dining room. Just as he reaches the doorway he lifts the
coffee mug to his lips, a large explosion is heard, and a blast of fire
comes through of the doorway leaving a blackened Speedy.]
Narrator: Unless, of course, you're the Samurai Pizza Cats!
Speedy: Now that's what I call coffee!
[Scene: the dining area of the Pizza Cats' headquarters. Tables and
chairs are overturned and thrown against the walls and the front door is
missing. The floor near where the front door was is scorched. Francine
and Polly Esther enter from upstairs.]
Francine: What happened?
[Speedy enters from the kitchen, looking burned but quite awake.]
Polly: [Suspicious] Have you been playing with your sword again, Speedy?
Speedy: It was the coffee!
Francine: Let's not go through all that again.
[An arrow flies through the front entrance and embeds itself into the
wall near Speedy's head.]
Speedy: Assassins! [He reaches for his sword, which he is not wearing.]
Francine: No! Look, there's a message attached.
[Francine removes a rolled up piece of paper from the arrow shaft.]
Francine: Listen to this... 'We are happy to announce that the grand
event of a Tea Party will be held this morning at precisely
ten of the clock. We are inviting a few close friends to take
part and we would be most pleased if you would join us. We,
we, we. That's funny, Momma. Don't interrupt, Vi. No, don't
write that down. Signed, Empress Freida of Little Tokyo. Pee
Ess, please dress appropriately.'
Polly: [Incredulous] They blew up our front door to invite us to a tea
party?
Speedy: [Under his breath] That definitely sounds like something our
Royals would do.
Outside Voice: How else was I supposed to do deliver messages when all
your windows are closed?
[Francine walks to the doorway and leans out.]
Francine: Do it again and I'll stuff you into our cannon and shoot you
to Australia! Next time, try the phone!
*****
[Scene: a red tile rooftop overlooking the Palace in Little Tokyo. A
rather short (by Little Tokyo standards) and skinny male dog with white
fur and a stubbed tail crouches on the rooftop, looking at the city. He
wears blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt.]
Narrator: But while the Empress prepares her tea party, others make
their own precarious plans that involve the precious Palace.
Dog: I have come to Little Tokyo with one purpose in mind.
[The dog stands up, balancing on the ridgepole.]
Dog: To steal the Empress' Crown Jewels and prove myself to be the
greatest thief of all time!
[He strikes a dramatic pose with his foot planted firmly on different
sides of the roof.]
Dog: I, Claudius Rex, will become known as the King of Thieves!
[A tile slips out from under his left foot and Claudius tumbles down and
off the roof, landing on his head.]
Claudius: Right after a short nap.
*****
[Scene: the dining room of the Samurai Pizza Cats' headquarters. All of
the Pizza Cats (Speedy Cerviche, Guido Anchovis, Polly Esther,
Francine, Good Bird, and Carla) are present.]
Good Bird: [Shaking his head wildly.] No! No way! I'm not going
anywhere near the Princess!
Guido: Considering what they did just to deliver the invitation, what do
you think they'll do if one of us doesn't show up?
[Francine grabs Good Bird by the collar and pulls him face-to-face with
her.]
Francine: We don't have the money to rebuild this place again! You're
going!
Good Bird: No! I refuse! You can't make me!
[Scene: the kitchen of the Pizza Cats' HQ. Francine is single-handedly
shoving Good Bird into one of the launch-tube ovens.]
Good Bird: [Muffled] Help!
Francine: Quiet and quit struggling! Or else I'll turn on the heat!
Good Bird: Go ahead! Better than getting anywhere near that brat!
Carla: I'm a little worried. Why is Good Bird so scared of Princess Vi?
Guido: [Snaps his fingers.] That's right, you haven't had to deal with
the Princess yet, have you?
[Carla shakes her head no.]
Speedy: [Laughing] Vi's got a bit of a crush on him.
Guido: I'd call it more than 'a bit.'
Polly: Don't worry, we'll all be there to make sure nothing goes wrong.
[Carla doesn't look relieved, but she nods her head. Francine slams the
oven door shut and wipes her brow.]
Francine: Okay! Everybody else into the launcher, _now_!
[Guido, Polly, and Carla jump into the three other ovens. Speedy
pauses, glancing at the launch controls.]
Speedy: Are you sure we should change into our armor?
Francine: [Smiling] Of course! The invitation said to dress
appropriately. What else could be more appropriate for the
Samurai Pizza Cats?
[Speedy shrugs and jumps into the same oven that Guido used.]
Francine: I'm certain it will make an impression, at any rate.
[Scene: outside the Pizza Cats' HQ. Mother and Son Dog are present, as
is a very large panda. The launching cannon raises and turns to face
toward the center of Little Tokyo.]
Speaker: [Francine's Voice]
The Empress is having a tea party for the social elites.
We don't know why we were invited, but we're going for the treats!
We have to close the restaurant and we won't be back until late.
We understand it's inconvenient, but society awaits.
[The launch of the Pizza Cats and their support staff is accompanied by
veritable rainbow of explosions: white, red, blue, green, orange, and
yellow. The launch gun begins to lower.]
Son: Does this mean that the Pizza Cats are fashionable now?
Mother: Let's put it this way: you won't be seeing them on the runways
of Paris anytime soon.
Son: I guess they'll have to go to New York, then.
[Mother Dog notices the panda, who is looking around in slight
confusion.]
Mother: [To panda] Oh, hello. You must be a relative of the Emperor's.
Panda: [Holding up a sign.] Emperor?
Mother: Oh, yes. He owns all of Little Tokyo. [The panda's eyes light
up.] His wife and daughter are having a tea party today.
Panda: [Flips sign around.] Daughter? [Flips sign again.] Is she
engaged?
*****
[Scene: a poorly lit, crumbling tunnel. The wooden slats of the tunnel
roof sag greatly. Seymour Big Cheese, Jerry Atrick walk through the
gloom, carrying torches. The Rat Pack (Moe, Curly, Larry, and Ford
Cheese) is following them.]
Jerry: I understand that we're sneaking into the Palace while many of
the servants and guards will be distracted with the tea party so
that we can kidnap the Princess and force the Emperor and Empress
to hand control over to you. [Takes a deep breath.] But how
will we deal with the Pizza Cats?
Seymour: Mr. Mysterious Figure, who likes to be called by his first name
but call him Misty and you die, has given me these magic orbs.
[Shows Jerry four orbs that looks like black golfballs.] When
hit against a sword, it will make the user invincible for a
short time. The Rat Pack will defeat the Pizza Cats and then
we will tie them up. Once that's done, no-one will be able to
stop us!
Narrator: *Hmmm...* I would have sworn my contract had an exclusive
exposition clause in it.
Seymour: [Flatly] The writer considers himself to be a modern-day
Shakespeare, no doubt.
[The wooden beams of the tunnel groan loudly.]
Jerry: [Nervously glancing at the boards braced against the tunnel
walls.] Are you sure this tunnel is still safe?
Seymour: Of course it is! This secret passageway into the Palace was
built hundreds of years ago. If it hasn't collapsed by now
then it will hold for another few minutes.
Jerry: You said earlier that there were two tunnels. Maybe the other
one would be safer?
Seymour: They were both built at the same time and they run parallel to
each other. Why would one be safer? Besides, we can't use the
other tunnel.
Jerry: Why not?
Seymour: It's for outgoing traffic only.
[Jerry face-faults. While picking himself up, the Rat Pack crashes into
him from behind.]
Jerry: What are you idiots doing?
[Seymour stops also.]
Larry: We don't like this tunnel.
Curly: Yeah, it's spooky!
Moe: And you two have the only torches.
Seymour: [Annoyed] Go ahead of me, then. I'll take the rear.
[Jerry shrugs and starts walking forward with the Rat Pack following
him. Seymour brings up the rear. Jerry and the Rat Pack pass by a
place where part of the wall has collapsed, leaving a hole to another
tunnel. As Seymour walk by the opening, he sees a reflection of
himself. He brings his torch close to the hole to inspect the
reflection. The reflection follows his movements. Seymour then steps
back and regards the reflection with a thoughtful expression and it
mimics the action.]
Seymour: I don't remember there being any mirrors in this tunnel.
[The 'reflection' of Seymour now begins to look nervous.]
Jerry: [From further into the tunnel] Hurry up!
[Seymour turns toward Jerry.]
Jerry: We want to be in position before the tea party starts.
[Seymour nods to Jerry and turns back to the hole, finding his
'reflection' gone.]
Seymour: *Aaah!*
[Seymour runs forward and jumps onto Jerry's back, trying to climb onto
his head. The Rat Pack watch wide-eyed.]
Seymour: [Scared] The tunnel is haunted!
[The Rat Pack swiftly surround Jerry and Seymour, facing outward. They
draw their swords and try to look brave, but they press their backs
against Jerry hard enough that he can no longer move at all.]
Jerry: [Voice strained from Seymour clinging to him and the Rat Pack
pressing against him] Terrific.
*****
[Scene: in front of the Palace of Little Tokyo. All of the Samurai
Pizza Cats make a perfect landing. Speedy Cerviche, Guido Anchovis,
Polly Esther, and Good Bird are now wearing their armor. Francine and
Carla are wearing decorative kimonos.]
Narrator: After spending several hours calculating angles and
trajectories, Francine manages to land the Pizza Cats without
any major mishaps.
Francine: After all, it just wouldn't do to ruin my attire.
Polly: [To Francine] Why am I wearing armor while you and Carla are in
dresses?
Francine: Don't be so silly. Carla and I don't have any armor.
[The door to the Palace opens and a female servant rabbit exits. While
she wears a clean kimono, her face has a smudge, her blue hair is very
frizzled, and her eyes have a slightly glazed look to them.]
Carla: What happened to her?
Polly: Must be because of the tea party.
Francine: What kind of party does _that_ to a person?
Good Bird: The kind of party that Princess Vi attends!
[Good Bird tries to make a break for it, but Guido and Speedy restrain
him. The servant approaches and bows toward a spot somewhere near the
group.]
Servant: Please put these on.
[The servant holds out three black elasticized bowties that she is
carrying, offering them in the guys' general direction at least. Speedy
and Guido each take one and also manage to get one around Good Bird's
neck.]
Servant: [Still not quite looking at the group.] Follow me.
[The servant enters the Palace and begins walking unsteadily down a
corridor. The Pizza Cats glance at each other before following her.]
*****
[Scene: a small, nondescript room of the Place. Seymour Big Cheese
rushes in and quickly closes the door. He reaches up and removes a
mask, revealing the face of Claudius Rex (the rest of his body still
looks like The Big Cheese's).]
Claudius: [Confused] Why was The Big Cheese inside those tunnels? I
knew I should have studied more politics!
[Claudius opens the door, briefly looks out, and then closes it.]
Claudius: I'll just have to find a better disguise.
*****
[Scene: Speedy Cerviche, Guido Anchovis, Polly Esther, Francine, Good
Bird, and Carla are following the servant girl through the passages of
the Palace. Big Al Dente exits from a side room.]
Polly: Hi, Big Al!
[Big Al flinches slightly, but falls in step with the group.]
Big Al: What are you doing here today?
Polly: [Confused] We were invited to the Empress' tea party. Surely you
knew about that?
Big Al: Oh, of course! It must have slipped my mind briefly.
Speedy: [Whispering to Big Al] By the way, do you know what happened to
her. [Thumbing at the servant.]
Big Al: [Glancing at the servant.] I suppose the tea party has been a
little... energetic?
[The groups reaches a corridor junction. The servant continues straight
ahead, though slow and wobbly.]
Big Al: I must be off! Matters of utmost secrecy and defense of the
state, you understand!
[Big Al turns and strides briskly down a different hallway.]
Francine: Don't you think Big Al is acting a little odd?
Good Bird: He's probably seen what they're doing at the tea party! If
you ask me, he's got the right idea!
[Good Bird attempts to follow Big Al, but Guido and Speedy grab him once
again and begin dragging him. They finally reach the end of the hall
and the servant lifts a shaking finger to point at the large double
doors.]
Francine: That's where the tea party is being held?
[The servant nods, then flees in the opposite direction.]
Good Bird: I've got a _bad_ feeling about all of this.
[Francine opens the doors and they all peer into the room. The tea
party is being held in a spacious room with large windows facing the
East. Burn marks, craters, broken pieces of furniture, and unconscious
bodies decorate the room. A group of animals with frizzy hair and
holding tasers is huddled into one corner of the room. Lucille sits in
another corner, which has more than average burn marks, delicately
sipping a cup of tea. Big Al Dente is tied to a spinning wheel, knives
stuck in the wood around him.]
Narrator: Good Bird had no idea just how right that wrong feeling was.
The Empress had decided to start the tea party a little early
and the lucky invitees had been busy playing games of the
Princess' devising.
Speedy: [Incredulous] Big Al is here?
Guido: Maybe he's having an out-of-body experience.
Good Bird: Sounds like a good plan to me.
[Empress Freida and Princess Vi appear in front of the group. Both are
toting huge rocket launchers.]
Empress Freida: [Looking at their outfits.] Oh, good! You came
prepared for the games!
[The Pizza Cats look nervously at the rocket launchers.]
Empress Freida: So, what should we play first? Taser tag? [Levels
rocket launcher at the Pizza Cats.] Or hide and go
heat-seek?
[Francine starts to back up, but Polly catches her arm.]
Francine: I just realized that I could probably put together a couple of
extra suits of armor from spare parts. We wouldn't want you
to stand out, now would we?
Polly: [Smiling insincerely] Don't trouble yourself on my account.
[Princess Vi skips up to Good Bird and smiles sweetly at him.]
Princess Vi: I'm really glad you could come, Good Bird.
Good Bird: <I've got to get away!> [Frightened] Where's the little
boys' room?
Princess Vi: [Thinks for a moment, tapping her chin.] Go straight until
an intersection, then turn left. Go that way until you can
go right and take that turn. Take the two next right turns
and go straight until you can turn right. Go to the left.
You can't miss it.
[Good Bird nods vigorously and leaves. As Good Bird races out, Empress
Freida and Princess Vi wink at each other.]
*****
[Scene: Seymour Big Cheese, Jerry Atrick, and the Rat Pack sneaking
through the Imperial Palace.]
Jerry: This really is more of a job for us Ninjas; you shouldn't have
come, Master.
Seymour: Nonsense. I'm an integral part of this plan.
Jerry: How so?
Seymour: Who else would be able to find Vi here in the Palace? She's up
to something, I can feel it in my tail.
[The troop stops at an ornately painted door.]
Seymour: It won't be as simple as opening the door to the Princess'
chambers-
[Seymour slides the door open. Princess Vi is inside the room, putting
on a large diamond necklace.]
Jerry: And finding her with the Crown Jewels?
Princess Vi: [Surprised] What are you doing here?
Seymour: We've come to kidnap you, your Highness! What do you have to
say to that?
Princess Vi: Quite rude, I would say.
Jerry: Better than being chased by the paparazzi.
Princess Vi: That's true. [Opens a fan and leans dramatically against a
wall.] Ah cruel fate, blind to the toils of man! The
fortune of fools ever tries the patience of the righteous!
[Slumps to the floor.] (2)
[Seymour and Jerry look at Princess Vi in disbelief. Vi, still laying
on the floor, begins to look nervous.]
Narrator: The Big Cheese has managed to capture the virulent Vi, but one
must wonder whether it's the real Princess or perhaps an
impostor.
Jerry: Yes, one certainly must.
Princess Vi: [Jumps up.] Let me go or I'll send you to Prisoner Island!
Seymour: I think that answered the question. Tie her up, boys! We've
got an empire to overthrow!
*****
[Scene: the tea-party room of the Imperial Palace.]
[Speedy Cerviche, sporting a few bandages and carrying a small plate
with a piece of cake, runs through the view, being chased by a
bazooka-wielding Princess Vi. Francine scrambles across the scene while
a swarm of mini-missiles apparently try to destroy the cup of tea she's
trying to drink. Carla sneaks by, holding a teapot for protection.
Guido Anchovis and Polly Esther, carrying a table with a full tea set
over their heads, attempt to dodge the grenades laughingly tossed at
them by Empress Freida.]
[Speedy, Guido, Polly, Francine, and Carla eventually crash head-first
into each other and fall to the ground.]
Polly: Do you think they'll let us rest here for a minute?
Guido: We can only hope.
Francine: All I wanted was to drink some tea and maybe meet a nice rich
socialite.
[Speedy raises his head and looks around the room for the Empress and
Princess. He sees two straw-stuffed, scarecrow-like figures that
vaguely resemble the pair.]
Speedy: Look at this!
[The others turn their heads toward the straw figures.]
Narrator: That's right! The Royal Family has been replaced by a pair of
dummies.
Guido: I think that happened years ago.
Speedy: Where did they go?
Polly: [Snaps her fingers.] I bet they're trying to get Good Bird to
marry the Princess again.
Carla: Again?!
Guido: [To Polly] He did go to the bathroom a long time ago.
Carla: [Worried] What do you mean by 'again'?
Speedy: [To Guido and Polly] We'll start searching for him there! C'mon!
We've got to rescue him!
[Polly and Guido follow Speedy out the door.]
Carla: I wish someone would tell me what's going on.
Francine: I'll explain as we follow them to the bathroom. I need to go
anyway after drinking so much tea.
Carla: You actually managed to drink some?
Francine: It's all in the wrist.
*****
[Scene: a large room lavishly decorated with white flowers and ribbons.
The single visible door opens and Good Bird enters. He quickly shuts
the door behind him.]
Good Bird: [Relaxes against the door and sighs.] <I never thought I'd
find this place... not even Princess Vi would come after me
in the men's restroom.>
[Good Bird finally looks at his surroundings, his eyes becoming wider
each second.]
Good Bird: Wait a second! This doesn't look like a bathroom!
[Princess Vi, dressed in a white western-style wedding dress, appears
beside Good Bird and grabs his arm.]
Princess Vi: Now we can get married!
Good Bird: What?! No way!
[Vi begins dragging Good Bird toward Empress Freida. An elderly deer in
the garb of a Roman Catholic Priest stands next to her.]
Good Bird: But I can't marry the Princess!
Empress Freida: Nonsense! We're got the marriage license and prenuptial
agreement right here! [Shows Good Bird several, already
signed, documents.]
Good Bird: But I'm a Bhuddist!
Princess Vi: Don't worry! We're very liberal.
Priest: Dearly beloved-
Empress Freida: We don't have time for all that. Skip to the good
stuff.
Priest: Do you, Good Bird, take Princess Vi to be your lawfully wedded
wife?
Good Bird: No!
[Good Bird breaks free of Princess Vi's grip and starts a dash toward
the door but is intercepted by a falling hammer.]
Empress Freida: Good Violet! You've remembered what I taught you.
Princess Vi: Right! If they won't join you, beat them!
[Carla and Francine enter.]
Carla: ...but this is the men's room.
Francine: Look! [Points toward the 'wedding' party.]
[Carla flips the light switch near the door.]
Carla's voice: Run, Good Bird!
Princess Vi's voice: Hey, watch it!
Francine's voice: That's my tail!
Priest's voice: I don't think Priests get hazard pay for weddings.
[The lights turn back on, Francine the only one left in the room.]
Francine: [Looking at the room in awe.] So this is what a men's
bathroom looks like?
*****
[Scene: a room high in the Imperial Palace. A large window overlooks
the city of Little Tokyo. Seymour Big Cheese, Jerry Atrick, the Rat
Pack, and a tied-up Princess Vi are present. Speedy Cerviche, Polly
Esther, and Guido Anchovis enter the room. Seeing the captured Princess
Vi startles them.]
Seymour: [To the Pizza Cats] There you are at last! I knew we would
soon have a showdown!
Narrator: Of course. The story's mostly over already.
Speedy: I should have known the Big Cheese was behind all this! It
started with the tea party and then he hid the bathrooms. Now,
he's kidnapped the Princess! Is there no end to your
hideousness?
Seymour: I know all about you, Speedy Cerviche, every fault and
weakness. Admit it! You're a coffee lover, aren't you!
[Jerry, the Rat Pack, and Princess Vi gasp. Guido and Polly look
nervous.]
Speedy: Tea is for wimps! Coffee is the drink of true heroes!
Seymour: Coffee stinks. Literally. Tea is much better tasting.
Speedy: Coffee!
Seymour: Tea!
Speedy: Coffee!
Seymour: Tea!
Princess Vi: A little bit of me? [Snickers.]
[Everyone in the room gives Vi an odd look and she sweatdrops.]
Seymour: [To the Rat Pack, pointing at the Pizza Cats] Tie them up!
Speedy: It won't be that easy!
[Speedy and Guido draw their swords and Polly draws her dagger. The Rat
Pack also pull out their swords, each of them smashing a small black orb
against the blades. The orbs crack and a black aura covers the weapons.
Their eyes glaze over.]
Guido: [Eyes the darkly glowing swords.] This doesn't look too good.
[The Rat Pack crash into the Pizza Cats and quickly disarm them. The
Pizza Cats are tied up and their weapons are dropped into a pile
nearby.]
Jerry: Now all we have to do is find Princess Vi's parents and force
them to turn over control of Little Tokyo.
Guido: That reminds me, where _is_ the Emperor anyway. We haven't seen
him at all today.
Narrator: The Emperor decided to leave the tea party completely up to
his wife and daughter.
[Flashscene: Emperor Fred sitting in a large bubble bath. He waves a
fan in the air.]
Polly: Maybe he's not as dumb as we thought.
[Seymour is suddenly wearing the Crown Jewels, including a delicate
tiara.]
Seymour: [To Jerry] What do you think? Should I wear them at my
coronation as the new Emperor or just in private?
[Good Bird runs into the room, screaming, and tries to hide behind the
bound Pizza Cats.]
Good Bird: You've got to save me!
Guido: Us save you?! Don't you have that backwards?
[Carla enters the room, panting slightly, and heads toward Good Bird.
Seymour and Jerry watch curiously. The Rat Pack simply stare into
space.]
Carla: She's certainly persistent.
Polly: Who are you two running from?
[Princess Vi bounces into the room.]
Second Princess Vi: You can't hide forever, sweetheart!
[Everyone in the room freezes. The most recent Princess Vi peers
suspiciously at her duplicate who looks slightly annoyed.]
First Princess Vi: Oh, well. These ropes were starting to chafe.
[The fake Princess Vi's ropes come undone and she backflips away from
Jerry Atrick and the Big Cheese. Upon landing, Claudius Rex is once
again in his usual blue jeans and white shirt.]
Claudius: Behold, I am Claudius Rex, the greatest thief from the
beginning of the world 'til the end of time!
[Claudius pulls the Crown Jewels out of his pocket and dangles them at
Seymour.]
Claudius: And here is the proof!
Seymour: [To Rat Pack] Get those jewels!
[The Rat Pack lunge at Claudius. Claudius pulls a long dagger out of
his pocket and attempts to defend himself but is quickly disarmed. He
jumps away and rebounds off a wall, heading toward the window. Ford
Cheese intercepts him in mid-air, causing him to drop the Crown Jewels.
Jerry Atrick catches them.]
Jerry: I have them, Master. [Notices the Rat Pack advancing on him.] Uh
oh.
[Jerry tosses the Crown Jewels to Seymour. The Rat Pack's glazed eyes
follow the jewelry through the air and they jump toward Seymour, who
panics and throws them to Claudius.]
Claudius: Here! Fetch!
[Claudius throws the jewelry to Carla. The Rat Pack dashes toward her.]
Carla: These aren't mine. [Tosses them to Princess Vi.]
Princess Vi: [Watching the Rat Pack approach her.] This is more of a
job for a warrior, not a princess. [Throws the Crown
Jewels to Good Bird.] You keep them safe, honey.
[The Rat Pack doggedly follow the jewelry, but are obviously getting
tired. Good Bird draws his sword, but Claudius snatches the Crown
Jewels from his hand.]
Claudius: Sorcery most foul shall not triumph today.
[Claudius flicks his hand, sending daggers flying toward the Rat Pack.
The swords come up into blocking positions, seemingly on their own, but
the daggers strike the Rat Pack's hands. Moe, Larry, Curly, and Ford
drop their swords, their eyes return to normal, and they collapse.
Claudius sends another flight of daggers toward the Pizza Cats, cutting
their ropes. They quickly gather their weapons. Speedy, Polly, and
Guido smash into the Rat Pack, sending them flying out the window.]
Seymour: Looks like it's time for my escape plan. [Starts glowing red
and grabs Jerry in a tight hug.]
Jerry: Not this again!
Seymour: They beat me every time! I just can't stand it!
[Seymour explodes, sending Jerry and himself through the roof of the
Palace.]
Claudius: Well, I've done more than enough good deeds for today. Off I
go!
[Good Bird grabs Claudius around the neck, lifting him off the ground,
and takes the Crown Jewels from him.]
Good Bird: You didn't think you were actually going to get away with
these, did you?
Claudius: [Pointing at the Crown Jewels.] Sparkles.
Good Bird: What?
[Good Bird turns his head to look at the Crown Jewels in his hand. When
he looks back toward Claudius, he finds that the thief has disappeared
and he's holding an inflatable rubber doll.]
Princess Vi: *Aaah!* My ears!
[Everyone turns to look at Princess Vi, who no longer has any ears on
top of her head.]
Princess Vi: And that was my favorite pair!
*****
[Scene: a flat rooftop somewhere in Little Tokyo. Claudius Rex lands on
the roof and looks around, then pulls Princess Vi's ears, which look
like a headband with bunny ears attached, out of his pocket.]
Claudius: Not exactly the Crown Jewels, but...
[Claudius turns and looks toward the Palace.]
Claudius: As I hoped, there are many worthy opponents in this glorious
city. I shall train myself further in my subtle Arts and
return when I am ready to challenge them once again to a
contest of skill and wit.
[Jumps off the building and into shadow... landing in a trash bin.]
Claudius: Aw, yuck!
*****
Speedy: Next time on Samurai Pizza Cats, the Catatonic Saga!
Narrator: When the Samurai Pizza Cats have to guard a valuable diamond
overnight at the Little Tokyo museum, they have trouble
staying awake until Speedy Cerviche comes up with a brilliant
idea. So the Pizza Cats begin sharing _scary_ stories with
each other. But are these works of the imagination or
something far more real? Find out in 'Cat of Nine Tales,'
next time on the _Catatonic Saga_!
*****
End Notes:
(1) I think a few words of explanation might be necessary.
(Note that most of these have several other meanings as well.)
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
ASPCA = American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
(quite appropriate, no?)
MIRV = Multiple Independent Reentry Vehicle
MMR = Measles, Mumps, & Rubella (Vaccine)
MRI = Magnetic Resonance Imaging
(what The Big Cheese really needs)
PC = Personal Computer _or_ Political Correctness
PDA = Personal Data Assistant _or_ Public Display of Affection
(this one really caused me some confusion once)
TLC = Tender Loving Care _or_ The Learning Channel
(2) I did look at _Henry V_, but this isn't supposed to be a quote of
any sort, so don't bug me about it -- Claudius simply has an
overdeveloped sense of the dramatic.
P.S. Just to make in clear, Claudius is in no way, shape, or form
supposed to be myself. He was more-or-less based on my dog Spots,
a Rat Terrier (he was such a spastic little dog). So I suppose
this is a PI (Pet Insertion) rather than an SI. :) Claudius
_will_ be in this series again, but not for a while.